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    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 1st Apr 15, 7:13 AM
    • 64Posts
    • 234Thanks
    How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?
    • #1
    • 1st Apr 15, 7:13 AM
    How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear? 1st Apr 15 at 7:13 AM
    My mother has been going through a challenging time after an unexpected relationship breakdown where she came out financially carrying the can. So we have been paying some of her bills and bought her a car (only a cheap run around!) after her fancy one got repossessed.

    About two months ago she announced out of the blue that she had had a rather large windfall a few months earlier (while we had still been paying her bills btw!) and after speaking to her financial advisor that as a thank you she would like to gift us a house deposit. We were flabbergasted as we have been stuck in the rent trap for years due to our location/jobs.

    She assured me the windfall she had received would allow for her to gift this sum yet still be big enough to get her things she wanted (rebuying the same fancy car that got repossessed for example and pay for the house she bought outright)

    My OH and I were ecstatic! We spoke to the bank, popped in for the interview and got the MIP almost immediately and went a looked at a house that was perfect for us. Made an offer and started to get the ball rolling.

    Last week she casually called up and advised she had changed her mind.

    Now to the point of my post.

    I have been unbearably sad ever since. I just canít shake this deep unhappiness itís like small black cloud that follows me around. My OH thinks itís because I canít be properly angry with my mother as itís her money and she has the right to change her mind.

    He is baffled that I am this upset as in his eyes nothing changed, we had nothing before and we have nothing now. Whereas I feel like I am mourning the loss of an opportunity, to have a beautiful home that was ours, something we have always wanted but circumstances have conspired to place out of our reach.

    It resulted in a bit of a row this week where I was told that I am moping about like a love sick teenager and I need to pull myself together. (to be fair to the OH he is truly baffled by this as I am a strong and resilient individual and the rock on our relationship) He pointed out I was genuinely less upset when I was diagnosed with cancer several years ago!

    Anyone else ever been like this mourning something you never had and was never yours?
Page 8
    • Thistle-down
    • By Thistle-down 3rd Oct 16, 9:17 AM
    • 825 Posts
    • 2,884 Thanks
    I've been wondering how things have worked out for you and hoping your mother has not forced her way into your home.

    Any updates?
    ~ Thistle
    WD Fund £12.49
    Weight loss 3 / 93
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 3rd Oct 16, 11:50 AM
    • 4,327 Posts
    • 9,751 Thanks
    Wow, Elinore, I've just read the whole thread.

    You are far too nice. Thank goodness you have had the strength not to cave in to not only your mother's but your whole family's demands!

    If your mother does move near to where you are, things will continue to be very difficult - possibly even worse than they are now. It will be all too easy for her to turn up on your doorstep at all hours of the day or night, and that will be much harder to deal with than when she phones with the same issues. Rather than 'just' telling your family that your mother will have to fend for herself if she moves mear you, if it's not too late I'd suggest also telling them that you won't be staying in that area ....... After all, why do they think she should move to near you if it's not because they expect you'd have to pick up the pieces if she was there ......

    If she does arrive, perhaps you should consider taking Thorsoak's advice and moving without giving any of them your new address? Having just moved it's probably the last thing you'd want to do, but it might save an awful lot of stress in the long run.

    Stay strong - you've done incredibly well so far. I wish you all the very best.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 3rd Oct 16, 12:14 PM
    • 35 Posts
    • 59 Thanks
    Chalk it up to experience and NEVER ask anything of your mother again. Don't call her, don't contact again and let her do the chasing. Never believe a word she says, never lend or help. Very mean of her to do this.
    • sheramber
    • By sheramber 3rd Oct 16, 2:01 PM
    • 2,599 Posts
    • 1,999 Thanks
    Since your mother has a house to sell she will have money to pay rent therefore the council will not get involved.
    • psychopathbabble
    • By psychopathbabble 3rd Oct 16, 2:05 PM
    • 5,842 Posts
    • 38,779 Thanks
    So i am now feeling terrible. He has made me feel so selfish and petty.
    Originally posted by Elinore
    Do not let anyone make you feel like this. I wouldn't have my mother live with us in a million years... my DH would probably let her stay, as it's the 'right thing to do' but no-one else can truly understand the relationship between the two of you and everything that has gone on in the past.

    By the sounds of it, having her stay with you would make you miserable and bring up plenty of old emotions... how is that the 'right thing to do' for yourself and your emotional well-being?

    Stand your ground and stay strong. Tell the family the truth about her behaviour and your reasons for why you refuse if you need to. I had all my family try to get me to mend my relationship with my mother until they saw the side of her that I grew up with... now most of them barely tolerate her at all!

    Became Mrs Scotland 16.01.16 Became homeowners 26.02.16 Baby due 04.11.16

    Debt Paid = £3888.89/£12,185.99 (32% paid off)
    • ThomasMJacobs
    • By ThomasMJacobs 11th Oct 16, 10:22 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    Even though your husband is right, but you still have a right to be upset!
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