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  • FIRST POST
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 1st Apr 15, 7:13 AM
    • 75Posts
    • 283Thanks
    Elinore
    How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?
    • #1
    • 1st Apr 15, 7:13 AM
    How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear? 1st Apr 15 at 7:13 AM
    My mother has been going through a challenging time after an unexpected relationship breakdown where she came out financially carrying the can. So we have been paying some of her bills and bought her a car (only a cheap run around!) after her fancy one got repossessed.

    About two months ago she announced out of the blue that she had had a rather large windfall a few months earlier (while we had still been paying her bills btw!) and after speaking to her financial advisor that as a thank you she would like to gift us a house deposit. We were flabbergasted as we have been stuck in the rent trap for years due to our location/jobs.

    She assured me the windfall she had received would allow for her to gift this sum yet still be big enough to get her things she wanted (rebuying the same fancy car that got repossessed for example and pay for the house she bought outright)

    My OH and I were ecstatic! We spoke to the bank, popped in for the interview and got the MIP almost immediately and went a looked at a house that was perfect for us. Made an offer and started to get the ball rolling.

    Last week she casually called up and advised she had changed her mind.

    Now to the point of my post.

    I have been unbearably sad ever since. I just can’t shake this deep unhappiness it’s like small black cloud that follows me around. My OH thinks it’s because I can’t be properly angry with my mother as it’s her money and she has the right to change her mind.

    He is baffled that I am this upset as in his eyes nothing changed, we had nothing before and we have nothing now. Whereas I feel like I am mourning the loss of an opportunity, to have a beautiful home that was ours, something we have always wanted but circumstances have conspired to place out of our reach.

    It resulted in a bit of a row this week where I was told that I am moping about like a love sick teenager and I need to pull myself together. (to be fair to the OH he is truly baffled by this as I am a strong and resilient individual and the rock on our relationship) He pointed out I was genuinely less upset when I was diagnosed with cancer several years ago!

    Anyone else ever been like this mourning something you never had and was never yours?
Page 8
    • Thistle-down
    • By Thistle-down 3rd Oct 16, 9:17 AM
    • 908 Posts
    • 3,105 Thanks
    Thistle-down
    I've been wondering how things have worked out for you and hoping your mother has not forced her way into your home.

    Any updates?
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 3rd Oct 16, 11:50 AM
    • 4,377 Posts
    • 9,884 Thanks
    itsanne
    Wow, Elinore, I've just read the whole thread.

    You are far too nice. Thank goodness you have had the strength not to cave in to not only your mother's but your whole family's demands!

    If your mother does move near to where you are, things will continue to be very difficult - possibly even worse than they are now. It will be all too easy for her to turn up on your doorstep at all hours of the day or night, and that will be much harder to deal with than when she phones with the same issues. Rather than 'just' telling your family that your mother will have to fend for herself if she moves mear you, if it's not too late I'd suggest also telling them that you won't be staying in that area ....... After all, why do they think she should move to near you if it's not because they expect you'd have to pick up the pieces if she was there ......

    If she does arrive, perhaps you should consider taking Thorsoak's advice and moving without giving any of them your new address? Having just moved it's probably the last thing you'd want to do, but it might save an awful lot of stress in the long run.

    Stay strong - you've done incredibly well so far. I wish you all the very best.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 3rd Oct 16, 12:14 PM
    • 39 Posts
    • 66 Thanks
    andydownes123
    Chalk it up to experience and NEVER ask anything of your mother again. Don't call her, don't contact again and let her do the chasing. Never believe a word she says, never lend or help. Very mean of her to do this.
    • sheramber
    • By sheramber 3rd Oct 16, 2:01 PM
    • 2,722 Posts
    • 2,108 Thanks
    sheramber
    Since your mother has a house to sell she will have money to pay rent therefore the council will not get involved.
    • psychopathbabble
    • By psychopathbabble 3rd Oct 16, 2:05 PM
    • 5,856 Posts
    • 38,806 Thanks
    psychopathbabble
    So i am now feeling terrible. He has made me feel so selfish and petty.
    Originally posted by Elinore
    Do not let anyone make you feel like this. I wouldn't have my mother live with us in a million years... my DH would probably let her stay, as it's the 'right thing to do' but no-one else can truly understand the relationship between the two of you and everything that has gone on in the past.

    By the sounds of it, having her stay with you would make you miserable and bring up plenty of old emotions... how is that the 'right thing to do' for yourself and your emotional well-being?

    Stand your ground and stay strong. Tell the family the truth about her behaviour and your reasons for why you refuse if you need to. I had all my family try to get me to mend my relationship with my mother until they saw the side of her that I grew up with... now most of them barely tolerate her at all!

    Became Mrs Scotland 16.01.16 Became homeowners 26.02.16 Baby girl arrived 27.10.16


    Debt Paid = £5040.27/£12,185.99 (41% paid off)
    RBS CC RBS LOAN MBNA 1 MBNA 2 BED FINANCE
    • ThomasMJacobs
    • By ThomasMJacobs 11th Oct 16, 10:22 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    ThomasMJacobs
    Even though your husband is right, but you still have a right to be upset!
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 25th Nov 16, 7:02 AM
    • 75 Posts
    • 283 Thanks
    Elinore
    So, an update. I feel so stupid, but i have been boxed into a corner ...

    Yup, you guessed it shes coming here. I have made it abundantly clear much to the disgust of the rest of the family that its a last resort and the offer is not set in stone.

    Her house sale is to complete at the end of Jan and she genuinely has no where else to go - i have reluctantly agreed she can move in from then.

    I have advised that she will be paying lodging fees of £400 per month (to which there was uproar until i sent a screen shot from spare rooms showing that this is the norm - in fact as she will have an ensuite wiith a little living room area as well we could charge much more!)

    I am hoping that alone will put her off as that kind of rent where she is could get her really nice two bed rather than just a room.

    Currently I i am in a spin cycle of emotions. Angry at me for allowing her here, angry at her for not being a grown up, sad that shes so alone, worried because shes such a negative and chaotic person and thats coming into our lives after i fought so hard to distance us from it, guilty as shes on her own lonely and sad, irritated that she chooses to be passive in her life and take no responsibility for her actions, guilty that i feel so negatively towards her. resentful that once again shes being palmed off on me by the rest of the family like an untrained and unwanted puppy after Christmas.
    Last edited by Elinore; 25-11-2016 at 7:19 AM.
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 25th Nov 16, 7:26 AM
    • 75 Posts
    • 283 Thanks
    Elinore
    Oh and much to my annoyance in a email from a relative they advised 'I cant believe as your Mother paid a significant contribution towards your deposit you would not repay her kindness in this time of need'

    It transpires that my mother mentioned her offer to the family when she was going to do it (because it made her look good, no doubt) and not subsequently told them that she didn't actually cough up. So though shes not actually said she paid towards our house she also didn't correct peoples assumptions that she had.

    that made me SO MAD.
    Last edited by Elinore; 25-11-2016 at 7:32 AM.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 25th Nov 16, 7:45 AM
    • 15,201 Posts
    • 35,235 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Oh Elinore - worst possible news for you. I feel so sorry for you.
    The description of your emotions towards your Mother is heart-rending.

    Can you guarantee that she will pay up every month?
    What will you do if she doesn't?

    Awful woman to paint herself in such a good light to the rest of the family.

    I hope things work out for you.
    • -taff
    • By -taff 25th Nov 16, 7:50 AM
    • 6,458 Posts
    • 3,730 Thanks
    -taff
    You can change your mind, women are allowed to apparently . If she can pay rent, then find her somewhere to rent and let her move there.
    There's not much point in making yourself and your family ill over a woman who is a complete [insert appropriate word].....
    Just don't. Life is short.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 25th Nov 16, 8:14 AM
    • 20,671 Posts
    • 52,587 Thanks
    pollypenny
    I would put all my energies into finding her another place to rent. She will come between you and your husband. She needs to grow up.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • Mrs Optimist
    • By Mrs Optimist 25th Nov 16, 8:29 AM
    • 1,063 Posts
    • 1,206 Thanks
    Mrs Optimist
    I trust you have put your family member right with regard to the non existent deposit? If not, why not?

    In fact I would be telling everyone in the family the whole story (people can only know what you tell them). They may have more sympathy.

    With regards your mother, she clearly has the funds to rent privately. If she (or other family members) complain about the rent she is paying you (and make sure you start as you mean to go on and actually collect the rent) invite them to take her in to live with them rent free.

    Personally, I would have stood my ground, as the next instalment will no doubt be that she isn't paying rent, she's blowing her money on expensive goods, and once the money runs out, you will be keeping her for free.
    • Gingernutty
    • By Gingernutty 25th Nov 16, 8:31 AM
    • 3,085 Posts
    • 9,307 Thanks
    Gingernutty
    Oh and much to my annoyance in a email from a relative they advised 'I cant believe as your Mother paid a significant contribution towards your deposit you would not repay her kindness in this time of need'

    It transpires that my mother mentioned her offer to the family when she was going to do it (because it made her look good, no doubt) and not subsequently told them that she didn't actually cough up. So though shes not actually said she paid towards our house she also didn't correct peoples assumptions that she had.

    that made me SO MAD.
    Originally posted by Elinore
    Please tell me you put the cousin straight. That's outrageous.

    Of course, that will explain your family's appalled reaction to you charging rent....
    Don't know what I'm doing, but doing it anyway...
    • Person_one
    • By Person_one 25th Nov 16, 8:35 AM
    • 25,999 Posts
    • 89,284 Thanks
    Person_one
    Do you ever watch 'Can't Pay Won't Pay'?

    Whenever they evict someone, they direct them to the council and as they are genuinely homeless they are usually put in emergency accommodation. Children get priority but I'm pretty sure an older woman on her own would be found somewhere safe to stay even if its a hostel or B&B.

    You can change your mind, right now, you can say stop, this isn't happening, I should have trusted my judgement and never should have said yes. I don't know why you are still communicating with some of these family members and I certainly don't know why you are continuing to let them believe things that aren't true that make your mum look good and you look like the villain of the piece!

    Change your locks, don't let her in!
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 25th Nov 16, 8:42 AM
    • 4,563 Posts
    • 12,367 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    So she can "get a really nice two-bed where she is"?

    So why doesn't she? You may have to do the legwork though and you may even have to pay the deposit (this doesn't mean that you'll be regarded as a guarantor for her rent though...make that perfectly clear) but surely it's worth it to keep her in her own place?

    If it were me, I'd be sending a link to this thread, to everyone in the family. Her selective memories may well fool the rest of the family but perhaps if they actually heard your side of the story, they'd be a bit more sympathetic.

    I can understand your feelings of guilt but she wants to be with you and she would happily break up your relationship so that she has you where she wants you. You're not a little girl any longer, you are perfectly entitled to live your life as you see fit. You don't owe her anything, nor should you feel bad at not accommodating her, she has to grow up at some point, and take responsibility for her decisions. She has money, she is able to house herself. You're making a big mistake in putting her up and you know it. And if you really think she's going to pay £400 each month, you really are kidding yourself.
    What are you going to do when she pleads poverty, kick her out? Keep her away now and save yourself the hassle. It's got nothing to do with the rest of the family so tell them to !!!!!! off.
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • Rain Shadow
    • By Rain Shadow 25th Nov 16, 9:01 AM
    • 1,397 Posts
    • 2,558 Thanks
    Rain Shadow

    Yup, you guessed it shes coming here. As soon as I saw this thread was back I knew that would be the outcome.

    I have advised that she will be paying lodging fees of £400 per month You do know you won't see any of that, don't you?.
    Originally posted by Elinore
    I would put all my energies into finding her another place to rent. She will come between you and your husband. She needs to grow up.
    Originally posted by pollypenny

    This will be the real problem.
    You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose.
    • LannieDuck
    • By LannieDuck 25th Nov 16, 9:15 AM
    • 2,174 Posts
    • 6,696 Thanks
    LannieDuck
    How were you boxed into a corner?

    Her house sale completes end of Jan, so she can stay in a B&B until then?
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
    • LannieDuck
    • By LannieDuck 25th Nov 16, 9:21 AM
    • 2,174 Posts
    • 6,696 Thanks
    LannieDuck
    Due to phone issues (Rural locale with poor signal) I had an attempt at a non confrontational email exchange with my mother and mentioned ‘I am a bit upset that we are unable to move forward on the house, especially as we have dreamed of being home owners for such a long time’ whose response just dismissed the whole thing as me being ‘overly emotional about the whole thing and life is full of disappointments’ she also advised she was under no obligation to explain her change of her mind.
    Originally posted by Elinore

    May i remind you of your earlier post? I suggest you change your mind about letting her stay and reply with her own words.
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 25th Nov 16, 9:27 AM
    • 224 Posts
    • 194 Thanks
    badmemory
    Please don't do this! She will never get a job, the money will run out, she'll catch you as you are leaving for work and make you late. She needs you to lose your job to provide her audience. And what is the worst of this is that she will tell your husband lies about you, or you lies about him because she needs to divide to conquer. Neither of you deserve that. So I repeat - please don't do it.
    • Diary
    • By Diary 25th Nov 16, 9:46 AM
    • 416 Posts
    • 457 Thanks
    Diary
    Oh and much to my annoyance in a email from a relative they advised 'I cant believe as your Mother paid a significant contribution towards your deposit you would not repay her kindness in this time of need'

    It transpires that my mother mentioned her offer to the family when she was going to do it (because it made her look good, no doubt) and not subsequently told them that she didn't actually cough up. So though shes not actually said she paid towards our house she also didn't correct peoples assumptions that she had.

    that made me SO MAD.
    Originally posted by Elinore

    Please don't let her move in.

    Change your mind, not because she changed her mind about your deposit, but because it's a terrible idea. You are entitled to a quiet, peaceful life - this will disappear. Your husband doesn't deserve this and nor do you. Can you comfortably afford to keep her in the lifestyle she forged for herself. Forget getting any rent.

    Guilt is a terrible, destructive thing but it's time you grew up and out of the constant abuse.

    She will not be homeless. Your father can have her despite the excuses you think he has and is allowed to have and is believed to have.

    Why are the whole of your family allowed to wash their hands of her but you're not. Think about this. They don't feel guilty for letting her be homeless as they put it. Why do you?

    You aren't her responsibility anymore - she made that crystal clear. So why now do you think she is your responsibility. It doesn't make sense.
    .Master Apothecary Faranell replied, “I assure you, overseer, the Royal Apothecary Society dearly wishes to make up for the tragic misguidance which ended so many lives. We will cause you no trouble. We seek only to continue our research in peace.
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