Tips for maintaining friendships whilst paying off debts

Gaia2014 · 28 March 2015 at 4:54PM

I'm 18 months shy of being rid of my debts and am on a stringent budget because I want to be DF as soon as possible. This has meant that my social life is next to non existent partly by my own doing (because not everything costs money) and partly because my mood has been quite low up until now...

The main problems though is that the majority of my friends are well off in terms of receiving help from family over the years and unfortunately one or two of them like to tell me how much money they have

... they obviously don't have anything more interesting to talk about :rotfl:.... Seriously though, this really annoys me but because they don't know my circumstances, so I can't really expect them to be sensitive to my situation. Although people who talk insistently about wealth IMO don't seem to have much else going on in their lives so maybe it makes them feel better.

I'm in danger of being a total recluse at this rate because I'm wanting to spend less and less time with these people and everyone else seems to be married, in long-term relationships or too far away etc. (I separated from my LT partner a year ago)... I have a good rapport with colleague (thank goodness) but I don't work at weekends and that is where the problem lies.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a poor me post. That's not my intention. My question is how do folk maintain friends during this difficult period without going into too much detail about circumstances? I only have one other friend who is in a similar situation (i.e been on a DMP but now self managing), but she doesn't live close by. Thoughts? (sensible answers please

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miketaff1408 · 28 March 2015 at 4:59PM

Explain your financial situation to them. Nothing yo be ashamed about.

Your true closest friends will understand, and will socialise with you in a way that will not cost you money.

Those that don't understand and get annoyed that you aren't going out anymore obviously aren't true friends to you. Don't waste any money on them.

sourcrates · 28 March 2015 at 5:02PM

Well, first off, i always made sure i had budgeted correctly for going out on the odd occasion, i was in debt, i wasn't dead, and i liked to have the odd beer or two.

I know it may not ring true saying this on a DFW site, but don't skint yourself completely, you have to blow off the cobwebs on occasion, don't much like the sound of your mates though, people who constantly Bragg about how much money they have wouldn't last 5 mins before id want to punch em !!!!!!!

ICantPayYou · 28 March 2015 at 5:05PM

Sorry, I don't know your age/circumstances etc, but I would keep in touch with your REAL friend by email etc and the others who like to let folk know how well off they are, really aren't the sort of people you need to be mixing with.
You have to deal with this and have done really well so far. Ditch the !!!!!es who tell you how much they have! Seriously, I would rather have no friends than those sort.... By the way, I have no friends lol but really feel at home on here

phoenixx · 28 March 2015 at 5:21PM

Hi there - I would agree with sourcrates on this. a) these friends who talk about their money a lot don't sound very nice and b)you must leave a little something in the budget to keep a bit of social life going - it's not healthy to have no life at all. Take a sense check of every friend and ask yourself 'Does this person enrich my life?' If they don't have a positive impact, detach yourself. Life's too short for people who don't have your back. Being in this DMP has shown me my true friends - it's been tough at times but I know who I can trust and want to spend time with. Ways I have found to socialize on a DMP...
1. Picnic and sometimes a game of rounders in the park when weather permits
2. Dinner at home - take turns to visit each other. Come Dine with me without the judgement
3. Movie night at home or I have asked for cinema vouchers for Christmas or birthday
4. Games nights including murder mystery
5. Taste card for eating out combined with nectar points - once managed Pizza Express with 3 courses and wine for £4.80
6. Beach Barbecue - again is weather dependent but very cheap
7. Walk to a pub for couple of drinks built into budget.

It is tough but can be done. Hope you work out some ways to keep your social life going.

Gaia2014 · 28 March 2015 at 6:01PM

Thanks for the replies...

All useful advice. I'd like to invite people around to mine. But, I live in a very small flat (almost a studio) and I simply don't have the space to entertain friends outside a cup of coffee and toilet stop...

I know I need to factor in entertainment money but having previously had a fairly decent set of friends I now have less than I can count on one hand including the braggers... hmmm. I think I need to make some new friends. I literally feel weighed down by my debts and the sooner they are gone the better IMO... I feel ashamed. I don't know how I let my self get into debt. I'll probably never get a mortgage now and it stings

I'm generally quite an optimistic person. But one relationship breakdown and other stressful events have taken their toll, (one of the reasons we split because apparently I'm hopeless with money, even though he wasn't much better and owes a lot more than I do. Only difference being he could just about afford the repayments and wasn't on a DMP. Main aggravation wasn't that I couldn't afford to go on holiday).

Some of my family are quite money orientated as well, which I hate. If only they knew that you can't take it with you... Values completely wrong. They don't know I'm on a DMP but they wonder why I still live like a student in my early 40's :eek:

Anyway, it's nearly Spring. Time for new beginnings (including friends if necessary) because I feel like billy no mates at the moment, even though it's mainly my own doing. Keep in touch with some good friends via email etc, but rarely see them because we live in different parts of the country.

Anyway, I'm going to try and think of things I can do on the cheap for the next 18 months and quite frankly people are going to have to understand that I can't do Christmas and birthday presents in the meantime. If I was younger than I am I would pay less towards my debts, but if I'm to achieve my life goals (one being to have a child) I need to crack on...:j

barbarawright · 28 March 2015 at 6:37PM

Can you take up a new hobby -evening classes can be very cheap or check out your local university. It will probably have a lecture programme for free that anyone can attend. Running doesn't need to cost more than than price of a pair of shoes (look for last season's leftovers) and will take up your time and get the endorphins working. Or see if there's a local walking group - they tend to either be free or cost a couple of quid to pay the leader and the price of a drink at the end. If your old friends won't support you - time to make some new ones!

FatVonD · 28 March 2015 at 6:54PM

I say this so many times I should just add it to my signature but...

You need a weekend pub job, seriously. It will get you out of the house and being paid to socialise, you will make lots of new friends and give yourself some extra pocket money to either pay down your debts quicker or be able to go out one night a week without reducing your debt repayments.

Red-Squirrel_2 · 28 March 2015 at 7:20PM

I think you do need some new friends, it sounds as though you don't actually like the ones you have!

Before giving up on them though, I would give them a chance, tell them your situation and see how they respond. You never know, they might have had absolutely no idea and be really supportive when given the chance.

Try not to burn bridges with people you do care about, there's no reason to completely cut off all birthday and Christmas presents (did you see my post in your other thread about how I get all mine with free Amazon vouchers from surveys?) and there are still loads of ways you can socialise cheaply.

You sound really down with everything, which is understandable, but have you thought about going to your GP at all for a chat about how you're feeling?

Gaia2014 · 28 March 2015 at 7:50PM

Again, thanks for the replies and suggestions. Red-Squirrel you hit the nail on the head. I am down. Mixture of circumstances and lonliness but also regret about mynaivity with regards to finances in my 20's. Feel like I'm never going to catch upnow and the thought of throwing my hard earned money into private renting for the rest of my career depresses me.

I do have a lot be thankful for. It's sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees. I've been to the GP. He won't prescribe medication because I'm not clinically depredded. Going to ask for fertility counselling though becsuse being childless and 40 is also a bigeee. My debts are a bit of a red herring and not insurmountable.

I need to get out more. But my mood is making it harder to do so. Ironically I'm ok when I'm at work because I'm busy. It's a very stressful job but great team. Don't think I could work at weekends but walking group sounds good. I'll get there...:T

Bobarella · 28 March 2015 at 8:12PM

It can be lonely living on a very restricted budget. That's one of the brilliant things about the network of people on this site. Ok so none of us knows each other IRL but I always think about the people and their news and successes. So in that sense they are real friends. I lost a lot of friends when I went self employed because I simply couldn't keep up on the socialising front. I have no idea of the last time I went to a pub and would probably cry at the price of booze these days even if I could drink (pregnant) I arrange to meet the friends I do have in coffee shops. Or at their homes. Parks etc. A nice walk and a flask of coffee are always a nice mood booster.
Good luck. You have a fixed end point which is fantastic. You will be out the other side before you know it.

Tips for maintaining friendships whilst paying off debts

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