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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 98
    • Silvertabby
    • By Silvertabby 7th Oct 16, 6:46 PM
    • 1,779 Posts
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    Silvertabby
    Sorry I missed your post Silvertabby. I don't think there is an answer for your friend. I think she just has to do what she feels comfortable with. It does sound like she is becoming a hoarder but I doubt you can do anything to help her with that.

    Sounds a but facetious I know but in situations like this I am always minded of an old joke.

    "How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb"

    Answer......"Depends on whether or not the lightbulb wants to change"..........
    Lessonlearned - that's very true. Thank you (and Miss Biggles) for your responses - I guess that as she knows that I'm here if she needs help, that's all I can do.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 8th Oct 16, 11:35 AM
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    kittie
    ebay for lampshades, fantastically well made by hand and half shop price, very recommended. So already alittle bit of a colour tweak in the bedroom. Trying to do it as cheap as possible, not changing the massive plain taupe dunhelm curtain as it looks good now, after re-arranging it, Some thoughts in my head for now, I have good headboards in a taupe and ottoman in a light cream, all too neutral. Am thinking of slip covers, may well start with covering the ottoman, which I use for out of season bedding. Maybe later same for for the headboard. I am thinking pinks/lilac to go with the lamps

    Getting cooler rapidly now and want to get the tweaks done so I can do calm winter hobbies soon. Evening time is getting to me a bit lately, makes me feel a bit `on my own` and a bit wobbly. Got to try and get into something more in the evenings but there is a limit. Am glad to get into bed at 10 or earlier. I need to get into watching films again. Back to feeling that the days are just passing to getting older but I know it is a winter phase and others are much worse off particularly those that get SAD.

    Radio is a godesnd at night, really is and I don`t even wake long enough to get that loo urge. I have an old style roberts radio which will re-charge, so there is no light on it at all at night
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 8th Oct 16, 3:37 PM
    • 1,582 Posts
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    Mrs Money
    All your hard work in the house sounds wonderful Kittie. I feel overwhelmed by the work needed in my bedroom (new ceiling, plastering, painting,blackout blinds, wardrobe) and I'm feeling it now the dark evenings are here, a need to have the room finished, cosy and nice to be in.
    I'm also feeling a bit wobbly, (that "on my own" feeling you mentioned) as the house, the garden all needs work and some of it I can do (and some not!) but whatever, I'm trying to keep positive and shut out the thoughts that it's all pointless and the future ahead is empty and bleak - and expensive! I count my blessings - children, grandchildren (and probably more of those to come!) and reasonable health at the moment. But the empty days and quiet house does get to me - I'm waiting for my adjustment to my situation to get better - and hoping it will!
    Last edited by Mrs Money; 08-10-2016 at 3:44 PM.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 8th Oct 16, 5:26 PM
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    kittie
    I am stopping any more `designing`. I just changed my sheets from white cotton to homely flannelette and suddenly it looks cosy, so that will do me. Its hard going at the moment for you mrsM. Maybe just changing a light bulb will help. I changed my bedside bulb to a 9w biobulb that I already have and it is light enough to read but has a warmth to it that kind of makes the room look much cosier plus it isn`t bright enough to cause sleeplessness in the night if I want to go to the bathroom . Maybe it is the change of season that is causing the struggle for us
    • elona
    • By elona 8th Oct 16, 5:54 PM
    • 11,243 Posts
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    elona
    I just got a phone call to say my new blinds are not ready to be fitted by Monday but will be a week or so later which is a bit disappointing.

    Had a lovely morning shopping with middle dd who found a couple of tops and a dress she liked in the sales and left here after a quick light lunch loaded done with three home cooked frozen meals and two frozen cartons of home made soup and a couple of books as well.

    DD, her husband and another dd are coming round for lunch tomorrow so I bought a brisket and loads of fresh veg and will do a quick tidy round before they arrive.

    missbiggles1

    Thanks for the suggestion and I have ordered some capsules of turmeric with free delivery as well as some more reusable soup cartons.

    It was lovely to be able to go round the shops this morning without my knees being painful, I had not realised how much it had slowed me down.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • Biggles
    • By Biggles 10th Oct 16, 6:14 PM
    • 7,474 Posts
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    Biggles
    When did Miss Biggles get PPR'd? I've never seen her say anything out of order.
    • irishjohn
    • By irishjohn 10th Oct 16, 6:48 PM
    • 1,249 Posts
    • 1,953 Thanks
    irishjohn
    She has not said anything out of order on here - hope it is short term PPR

    Just checked her posts - still posting last night but there are some comments on the effects of immigration in a post which may have been considered to be inappropriate
    Last edited by irishjohn; 10-10-2016 at 6:52 PM.
    John
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 10th Oct 16, 10:48 PM
    • 22,876 Posts
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    pollypenny
    Oh, no, not again! Missbiggles is strong-minded but doesn't deserve that!
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • Biggles
    • By Biggles 11th Oct 16, 10:31 AM
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    Biggles
    She has not said anything out of order on here - hope it is short term PPR

    Just checked her posts - still posting last night but there are some comments on the effects of immigration in a post which may have been considered to be inappropriate
    Originally posted by irishjohn
    The whole thread was about the effects of immigration and hers was one of the milder comments. Unless something's been deleted?

    Oh, no, not again! Missbiggles is strong-minded but doesn't deserve that!
    Originally posted by pollypenny
    It's happened to her before?
    • kittie
    • By kittie 11th Oct 16, 5:03 PM
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    kittie
    oh my goodness, I am definitely out of my comfort zone, being a scientist and never arty in my whole life. I have to make a 3D model for my next carving and wouldn`t I pick something small and intricate and flat but in three dimensions. I just ordered some small metal tools from amazon, they look like mini dentist tools and I have to make it with plasticine. I worked on one the whole morning and have decided to scrap it, my choice. Think a mouse, acorns and oak leaves all in 6". Haha, well it is good being stretched, that side of my brain needs stretching, the arty airy fairy side. I have to have art dna in me, somewhere, where the heck is it?

    I am sharing this because it is good to leave the zone of easy comfort, not just to meet new people but for the brain exercise. It is so uncomfortable that the brain does not drift into the past to dwell and there is a sense of excitement in learning something new and maybe achieving and getting a `well done`
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 11th Oct 16, 8:29 PM
    • 1,582 Posts
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    Mrs Money
    You're so lucky Kittie to have classes etc near you. Yes I'm sure you'll do your 3D model but perhaps a simpler version?
    I've not managed to find a German language class for the winter - all French and Spanish unfortunately. Like you, I find the concentration needed for a class overrides all those unwanted sad thoughts. I could do yoga or Pilates as I've done before, but I still find my mind wandering back to sadness in those kind of classes - too much time to think.
    All I can do is keep looking for something- hopefully there'll be something eventually. When I check those "find a class/group/event near you" search boxes on websites, everything is 30-40 miles away from me and in the evening too! My area is a bit of a dead zone!
    • kittie
    • By kittie 11th Oct 16, 8:52 PM
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    kittie
    open university was good, they had meetups and summer school. Then I studied an alternative system of medicine, weekend attendance, that took four years and lots of work. My two craft groups are 40 miles away but I go for a whole day, right through lunch. There must be a local FE college and they may likely do weekend classes, I knew an older person who did plumbing and I did proper woodwork once. You would likely get dressmaking or jewellery making. When I was young I went to knit and natter, as tbh it was lonely with a baby on a housing estate. There are crafts like punching designs in metal, thay look interesting. The aim is to learn a new skill, something we would not normally do. One lady I know in one of my groups bought herself a lathe never having used before, there are courses in using these things. Pyrography looks good, I can make coasters, beads and so on. There are groups like photography, learning to horse ride, learning a musical instrument. I am just trying to think of things that are a bit unusual and which focus the mind outwards

    Yoga and pilates, yes I agree the very nature makes the mind go inwards. I could not do an evening class here, I am too rural and am finding night driving too difficult. In winter I even leave my craft groups a bit earlier, to drive in the light
    • elona
    • By elona 11th Oct 16, 10:53 PM
    • 11,243 Posts
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    elona
    I met DH about 35 years ago at an OU course so it would raise too many memories at present. DDs have sent me some links to library volunteering and university of the third age so I might investigate that further as well as the idea of starting to take short breaks by myself.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 12th Oct 16, 7:03 AM
    • 22,876 Posts
    • 59,024 Thanks
    pollypenny
    The whole thread was about the effects of immigration and hers was one of the milder comments. Unless something's been deleted?

    It's happened to her before?
    Originally posted by Biggles


    Yes, and just after she lost her husband, too.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • bugslet
    • By bugslet 12th Oct 16, 1:55 PM
    • 5,666 Posts
    • 27,889 Thanks
    bugslet
    What? Miss B been PPR'd

    Sometimes did, sometimes didn't agree with her, but she was never rude IMO.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 12th Oct 16, 6:18 PM
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    kittie
    I did as you suggested mrsM, a simpler version and it looks great. It took the whole afternoon but I am glad as it was again very quiet today. I don`t know what to do tomorrow, I don`t like open-ended days and shopping for what I don`t need is pointless. I might actually delve into a drawer or two with a view to doing a bit more clearing, depends on the mood I suppose. Not sleeping too good now, are you?
    • elona
    • By elona 12th Oct 16, 11:15 PM
    • 11,243 Posts
    • 59,876 Thanks
    elona
    kittie

    There is a pillow spray made by "this works" and it is very relaxing and helpful. I find if I have a cold drink, a good book, and a thermos or hot water dispenser to make a hot drink if I cannot sleep that it helps to have a backup. Thinking I will have a drink and read a book for a while if I cannot sleep actually helps me to get back to sleep.

    I did treat myself to a tea*m**d but the first one did not work , the second one worked for a couple of weeks and the third one did not work at all! I decided to stick with my small alarm clock and have a small hot water dispenser in my bedroom with tea bags, coffee sachets and mini milk cartons in a small ornamental tin instead. It makes a mug of tea or coffee in about 30 seconds which saves a lot of electricity in the long run and has a small footprint on the side table.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 13th Oct 16, 6:38 AM
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    kittie
    I bought that pillow spray elona, it came yesterday, nice calm smell, I also took one htp earlier in the day and I slept well again. I do have mallow tea from napiers, which also contains chamomile, so I`ll have a cup of that this evening too. I think my pillows were too high, I was trying to protect my shoulder as I am a side sleeper, anyway I chucked one off and put a wool pillow cover on the remaining one, so it was high enough. It seemed to work, I didn`t keep waking up

    So now today? I have no list, no urgent jobs and a freezer containing hm ready meals. I have knitting I want to finish and spinning for a christmas present. Maybe I will get around to sorting bedlinen for the spare beds, I want to try and keep it in the same bedroom as the bed, makes it easier when I have visitors. I have a couple of clothing items to chuck. It is all faffing tbh, no real purpose but I suppose keeping on top of things helps for future comfort. Makes me appreciate how useful my allotment has been in getting me out and busy
    • kittie
    • By kittie 13th Oct 16, 9:40 AM
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    kittie
    I had a cuppa with a friend in the village yesterday, only stayed 30 minutes but something she said did strike me. She loves her `stuff` and has lots but all good old quality, just say lalique. She said that in 20 years she will gladly get rid of everything and de-camp to a small flat with a nice view. She will be 80 then. It makes sense and kind of set me into a psychological tizzzy, so now things will start to go from here, things I don`t use at all or things I no longer love, things that I thought I could not let go

    Underbed in a spare room this morning and the rigid roller plastic store is going, will soon be replaced with zipped, moth proof storage for bed linens, which I have too much of, just in case visitors come, winter ones and summer ones. The christmas/birthday packaging in there is now sorted and I am only keeping basics, they will fit into a drawer I just emptied. Ok, I am shuffling things about but in process am getting rid of obvious unusables and have two black bags already.

    I uncovered three items of husbands clothing which I originally kept but they are going now, they have no scent and have no energy in them, none that I can sense. I have ties and some trinkets that I will keep. I think that I am getting more of a protective shell around me. I find that I can keep the memory going via me carrying on his practical work and carving hobby. In my second year now and maybe this is the time when bonds start to unwind and is probably a healthy thing for me, as long as I remain able to adapt
    • iris
    • By iris 13th Oct 16, 11:17 AM
    • 1,086 Posts
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    iris
    I am feeling so sad, tearful and miserable. I have been doing lots of paperwork/form filling, which in turn makes me very depressed, but I have no one to help me.


    I attended the harvest supper at the village hall last Sunday, in the hope of meeting people and perking myself up, but ended up feeling more depressed and wondering why I was there. I also hated the walk back home in the dark (forgot to take my torch) and going back to an empty bungalow was awful and started me crying again.


    In an attempt to get out of the bungalow today, I am going to a U3A meeting in the nearest town (15 miles), and I might join some of the groups.


    My family all live 150 miles away and my future life looks so bleak.
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