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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    • 9,934Posts
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    kittie
    Self help thread. I am a widow. Coping, getting on with it
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    Self help thread. I am a widow. Coping, getting on with it 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    This is a support thread for those who have been widowed and newly bereaved and those who have lost a much loved and close partner. The aim of the thread is to offer support and help and to show that little steps are important in finding a way forward when all seems hopeless

    The thread has many many supporting and uplifting postings on it and much help for the newly bereaved and others. I am so sorry for your loss.

    The thread has re-opened. I sincerely hope it stays on track in the spirit in which it was started

    Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I speak from experience
    Last edited by kittie; 04-02-2016 at 7:43 AM.
Page 92
    • candygirl
    • By candygirl 20th Sep 16, 9:35 PM
    • 24,974 Posts
    • 99,922 Thanks
    candygirl
    Still reading and thinking of you all.You are all doing so well.Am thinking especially of Iris, and send many (((hugs))) xx
    "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf"

    (Kabat-Zinn 2004)
    • Sue14
    • By Sue14 20th Sep 16, 10:50 PM
    • 901 Posts
    • 10,378 Thanks
    Sue14
    Sue, hugs from me. These first steps are so very hard. We widows understand what you are going through. Look for those white feathers and signs on the way home. You feel alone but he will be with you every step of the way. One day your house will become your nest again and you will enter and breathe a sigh of relief. Too early for that yet but that time will come
    Originally posted by kittie
    I see white feathers all the way along my route to and from work, I like to think that at least some of them are signs from my DH. As I was going to work yesterday, feeling really fed up and weepy, a feather fluttered down right in front of me, maybe that was him telling me to cheer up?

    I am glad I went to see my husband in the Chapel of Rest. I feel much calmer now.


    I had a little wobble when I first saw him, but he looks so peaceful. I stayed for about an hour and brought him up to date with all that had happened. I also left a little note in his pocket. I don't think I shall visit him again, but then again I may change my mind.
    Originally posted by iris
    I'm glad you got some comfort from seeing your husband in the chapel of rest, I'd always recommend it. I went to see my husband 3 times, the day before the funeral which I thought would be the last time, I just couldn't leave him, even though I knew the funeral director was probably waiting to go home. He made me a cup of tea and said to take my time, then later said that I could go and see him for a little while the next day, so I did and it really helped.


    I found that I actually put on weight after my husband's diagnosis and am now trying to lose it and reduce the weight on my joints.
    Originally posted by elona
    I also put on weight while my husband was ill, as he was in and out of hospital and I was living on junk while visiting him, even when he was home he didn't have much of an appetite and when he did want something it was usually high calorie stuff like biscuits and cakes, and as he'd been told he only had a few weeks, I didn't push him to eat low calorie stuff, and I ate the same. Consequently I've now got back into bad habits, that we'd worked so hard to break before he got ill, and most of the time I can't stop eating rubbish. I have started trying to cut down for the past couple of days, and I'd like to start going down the gym again, but DH and I used to go together and I know it will be hard to go without him.
    Total weight loss 26 lbs
    • kittie
    • By kittie 21st Sep 16, 8:36 AM
    • 9,934 Posts
    • 48,228 Thanks
    kittie
    I too have weight problems. I initially lost weight, I had to make myself eat but am back to my normal weight, which is overweight for my height, however I am mindful of my mum`s stroke ward being full of thin women, so over weight is not all bad but is definitely bad for joints. Little by little is key for me and I have bought myself a coffee grinder and a separate coffee machine. I have been using a nespresso machine until I woke up to the price of capsules. I have put the nespresso stuff away for now and it will re-emerge when I have a family gathering as it is easy and I still have lots of pods. I am going to become ritualistic wrt my coffee and started this morning with my first real home (burr) ground cup. It was lovely with steam heated milk and I am hoping now that this will distract my mind from wanting that piece of toast with marmalade. A bit at a time to lose weight

    I need to get myself going on a definite project, to keep my hands busy and now that the weather is getting colder and darker, I find I am needing trousers of a good quality material. Personally I hate polyester and not only for the fact that they cling to me but in winter, I get quite large shocks when I touch anything. I have looked online but very pricey and bound not to fit my mature short figure. So I have a very well worn pair that fit me beautifully through thick and thinner, I have worn them for 12 years, the original good quality m and s ones. I love them and the fit but time to get rid and the best way for me is to unpick all the stitches, so I have a perfect pattern, just needing to add seam allowances. That is my project for today and it is a nice one if I am honest. I still need to do some of my own clothes sorting and this will help me with that

    I need projects to fill my day and stop me sitting to procrastinate. When young, with babies, I always tried to do one positive thing in my day ie not housework but something to add to the quality of my life. Making some bulk food, a bit of house maintenance, sewing, knitting, making a cushion, clearing a space, making a table cover (which I will be doing soon). I need to revert back to that positivity now, things to keep me uplifted as the winter gloom approaches, so I don`t get sucked in
    • Biggles
    • By Biggles 21st Sep 16, 8:46 AM
    • 6,793 Posts
    • 4,232 Thanks
    Biggles
    I have finished my Eulogy and I hope I will be ok to read it next Tuesday.
    Originally posted by iris
    Well done, Iris, I'm sure you'll be OK and afterwards you'll be glad you did it.
    • iris
    • By iris 22nd Sep 16, 7:26 AM
    • 988 Posts
    • 3,009 Thanks
    iris
    I have now found out that I will have to apply for Probate, which is just an added complication I could do without (sigh).


    I found that after my husband's diagnosis the weight just dropped off me without even trying. I have gone from a size 16 to a size 10. I seem to be stable at the moment and I don't want to lose any more weight. However, I am kept very busy looking after our bungalow and garden. I did have a price for cutting back some shrubs just in our front garden and they wanted £450 I have been doing this myself over the last 12 months, so I think I will carry on for a while until I can find someone whose charges are more reasonable.


    Today I shall clean the windows. As I said before, we live in a bungalow so window cleaning is easy and I don't even need steps.


    I have noticed that I keep using the word 'we', when I should be using the word 'I'.
    • Biggles
    • By Biggles 22nd Sep 16, 7:50 AM
    • 6,793 Posts
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    Biggles
    I have now found out that I will have to apply for Probate, which is just an added complication I could do without (sigh).
    Originally posted by iris
    It's normally very straightforward and nothing to worry about, Iris. But check with whoever holds the accounts that are in his sole name, as I have been surprised to find that some banks will release quite sizeable sums purely on receipt of a death certificate and some minor paperwork.
    • elona
    • By elona 22nd Sep 16, 9:17 AM
    • 10,379 Posts
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    elona
    iris

    It has been over a year and I still use "we" automatically. Perhaps because the family stay over now and then and also pop in a lot.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 22nd Sep 16, 9:38 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Good morning all

    Iris.....I understand that Kittie also had to go to probate. She said she found she found it straight forward. She did it herself and not through a solicitor. I am sure if you gooogle you will find DIY guides for this.

    And Biggles is right not all banks and financial institutions insist on probate before releasing funds. For some a death certificate, a certified copy of the will and a copy of your marriage certificate plus your own ID is all they need.

    I got several copies of the death certificate and my solicitor provided a couple of certified copies of my husband's will.
    • missbiggles1
    • By missbiggles1 22nd Sep 16, 9:52 AM
    • 14,820 Posts
    • 26,682 Thanks
    missbiggles1
    I have now found out that I will have to apply for Probate, which is just an added complication I could do without (sigh).


    I found that after my husband's diagnosis the weight just dropped off me without even trying. I have gone from a size 16 to a size 10. I seem to be stable at the moment and I don't want to lose any more weight. However, I am kept very busy looking after our bungalow and garden. I did have a price for cutting back some shrubs just in our front garden and they wanted £450 I have been doing this myself over the last 12 months, so I think I will carry on for a while until I can find someone whose charges are more reasonable.


    Today I shall clean the windows. As I said before, we live in a bungalow so window cleaning is easy and I don't even need steps.


    I have noticed that I keep using the word 'we', when I should be using the word 'I'.
    Originally posted by iris
    I use we quite often and I don't care - it can mean whatever you want it to mean.

    A close friend told me off because I'd kept the message on the answer machine the same as before "x and y are unable to speak to you now", because she said it freaked her out. I still have the same message but see far less of the friend!
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 22nd Sep 16, 3:06 PM
    • 1,464 Posts
    • 6,736 Thanks
    Mrs Money
    I use we quite often and I don't care - it can mean whatever you want it to mean.

    A close friend told me off because I'd kept the message on the answer machine the same as before "x and y are unable to speak to you now", because she said it freaked her out. I still have the same message but see far less of the friend!
    Originally posted by missbiggles1
    I'm in complete agreement with you MissB! (and everyone else!)
    I also use "we" all the time, also because family members are often in and out and helping with house renovations so it's still "we" and I don't care if anyone catches me saying it with reference to myself and my husband either. Anyone that I know wouldn't dream of even mentioning it to me! Not an issue for them - at least I don't think so!
    • Biggles
    • By Biggles 22nd Sep 16, 3:28 PM
    • 6,793 Posts
    • 4,232 Thanks
    Biggles
    I still use 'we' quite often and it's been 6Ĺ years now. Nobody bothers, least of all me!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 22nd Sep 16, 3:31 PM
    • 14,753 Posts
    • 33,910 Thanks
    Pollycat

    A close friend told me off because I'd kept the message on the answer machine the same as before "x and y are unable to speak to you now", because she said it freaked her out. I still have the same message but see far less of the friend!
    Originally posted by missbiggles1
    The last sentence really made me laugh, missb.
    Actually I'm on the bus into town and I got a few funny looks for it.
    • Sue14
    • By Sue14 22nd Sep 16, 4:36 PM
    • 901 Posts
    • 10,378 Thanks
    Sue14
    I have now found out that I will have to apply for Probate, which is just an added complication I could do without (sigh).


    I found that after my husband's diagnosis the weight just dropped off me without even trying. I have gone from a size 16 to a size 10. I seem to be stable at the moment and I don't want to lose any more weight. However, I am kept very busy looking after our bungalow and garden. I did have a price for cutting back some shrubs just in our front garden and they wanted £450 I have been doing this myself over the last 12 months, so I think I will carry on for a while until I can find someone whose charges are more reasonable.


    Today I shall clean the windows. As I said before, we live in a bungalow so window cleaning is easy and I don't even need steps.


    I have noticed that I keep using the word 'we', when I should be using the word 'I'.
    Originally posted by iris
    I still use we and our/s, don't think that's changing any time soon. As others have said, you don't always need probate for getting money from bank accounts etc., I've had no problems so far getting things transferred with just certificates, but of course your situation may be more complicated than mine. I really wish I could have lost weight while my husband was ill, especially as he lost nearly 2 stone, but I'm an emotional eater and eat more when I'm upset.

    I use we quite often and I don't care - it can mean whatever you want it to mean.

    A close friend told me off because I'd kept the message on the answer machine the same as before "x and y are unable to speak to you now", because she said it freaked her out. I still have the same message but see far less of the friend!
    Originally posted by missbiggles1
    While my husband was in hospital he called a couple of times, and left messages on the answerphone, the messages are still on there and I can't bear to delete them now he's gone, as I can listen to his voice if I want to.
    Total weight loss 26 lbs
    • elona
    • By elona 22nd Sep 16, 5:28 PM
    • 10,379 Posts
    • 51,643 Thanks
    elona
    DD's have been suggesting for months now that I get round to supermarket shopping online as it would save me carrying heavy stuff and also give me more independence.

    I have been ordering things like shampoo, shower gel and toothpaste online for a while. I also found a good site for low fat meat so have been ordering that and freezing it.

    I finally bit the bullet and registered with a local supermarket and ordered a lot of frozen onions, peppers, mushrooms and a lot of fresh vegetables and fruit so I can make a lot of home made soups etc. If I have done it right it should arrive on Sunday afternoon.

    As I "maintained" when I got weighed yesterday I want to get back to basics and want to make sure I have plenty of fruit and veg and lean meat. I would love to have lost two stone by Christmas and even then I would like to lose a stone or two more if I can.

    I managed to get a lot done even before probate was completed with some copies of the death certificate, the will, marriage certificate and birth certificates. I did have probate completed before selling our house and buying a new one just for me but with the space to have the family over sometimes and stay.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 22nd Sep 16, 5:48 PM
    • 8,181 Posts
    • 46,207 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    How I wish I had a recording of my husband's voice. It was one of his most distinctive features, he had a wonderful voice and was a great raconteur and wit. He could hold a room spellbound with his stories. Why oh why didn't I record him when I had the chance.

    His deteriorating speech was one of the first early symptoms that alerted me to his illness and which prompted me to drag him off to his GP in the first place. I never dreamt he would lose the power of speech so quickly so I have nothing, not even a telephone message.

    Re the weight......I have now finally bitten the bullet and am tackling my weight. I need to get my blood sugars down before I develop full blown diabetes so I am doing the 5:2 intermittent fasting, combined with the Blood Sugar Diet/Paleo protocol.

    I am finding it surprisingly easy.

    I adopted Paleo about 1 year ago and managed to "cure" my IBS, GERD and Fibromyalgia.

    Yes I realise there is no cure as such but if I eat right then I stay well and pain free.

    I too,have at least 2 stones to lose, preferably 3. Not easy but I am determined. I want to be fit and well.

    I have started doing a lot more online shopping too. I love it. It's so civilised to sit on the sofa with a cuppa or a glass of wine whilst I do my shopping.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 22nd Sep 16, 6:31 PM
    • 9,934 Posts
    • 48,228 Thanks
    kittie
    I am another who always says we, I have no problem with it as I am still we through and through.

    I also do online shopping for absolutely everything, I don`t have time to hunt for stuff when I can just google and get it ordered in minutes and don`t want to carry stuff anyway, even in my funky shopping trolley

    I had to send some new clothes back today, all three items, they looked so not me and anyway were far too long and wide, expensive too so I am definitely going to have to get into that sewing room of mine. Tried on a skirt I made last year, made it to fit and it is now big on the waist and hips I will alter it as it is a nice quality denim so looks like a bit of weight has come off but not enough at all

    Today was good, nother positive day. I have screwed holders to the insides of two fitted wardrobe doors and now can display all my bags and scarves I am so chuffed, I can even shut the wardrobe doors. I got the holders from ` a place for everything`

    I decided to protect my wooden table from the sun and children as the light oak has developed a darker patch, probably a spilled drink. So table protector is on and fabric arrived from JL. It is a light beige so will keep the light theme in the room. I also want to brighten a big squashy brown chesterfield which id full of cushions. I think I will knit cushions in garter stitch, they are very pricey to buy and I have the yarn, had the yarn for ages, cotton cashmere so will have the right texture

    I am still working on making the house work for me, it is all part of the healing process, having something to look foreward to

    Probate was fine really. I downloaded the form and took my time, being as honest as possible. They want to know about the value of assets. I suppose it was good in a way because it focused me onto exactly what money I had. I did probate very soon after the funeral and at that time I was so sick of all the letters and forms coming day after day. Don`t let a solicitor or accountant near probate, I think the stadard charge for a professional is 3% of the value of all assets, including the house. Doing it myself cost something over £200 and swearing the oath was cathartic. I went to a local place for a late breakfast after that, it was the first time for me, going out to eat on my own. Writing this is making me so very glad to be so far forward now, the first few months are truly terrible so it does get very much better
    • mumps
    • By mumps 23rd Sep 16, 11:47 AM
    • 4,943 Posts
    • 10,364 Thanks
    mumps
    I was watching The Doctor who gave up Drugs on BBC1 last night. I found it really interesting and quite surprising. The treatments for pain and depression seem to be doing alot of harm.
    Sell £1500

    2831.00/£1500
    • elona
    • By elona 23rd Sep 16, 12:24 PM
    • 10,379 Posts
    • 51,643 Thanks
    elona
    LL

    I did probate for my dad about ten years ago and it was straightforward. Ironically the only real problem I had was with the will which had been made in the hospice. After a few visits and phone calls I managed to get it sorted out.

    Academically I could have done the same for DH but I was just so stunned and devastated I let the solicitor handle it which I do not regret under the circumstances.

    I have been tidying up the integral garage again and have some things that need to go to the tip and things like floorboards which I will ask son in law to take to the outside garage for me at the weekend. I have masses of coat hangers which I have been sorting out and will take to a charity shop eventually.

    Middle dd has popped back for her car last night and kindly left me a machine load of washing which is now outside on the line.

    I need to lose at least three stone and possibly more if I were being strict with myself. I am on slimming world just now and trying to avoid bread which I have no off button for. Deliveries of meat and veg arrive at the weekend.

    DDs have been hinting I get back to making soups with comments like "I love sweet potato and red pepper" or "What about leek and potato" "I love carrot and coriander!" Strangely when I was actually cooking these most days there was much less vocal appreciation.

    Kittie

    There is a site called just last season that sells makes like Dash, Jacques Vert, Planet and Precis which does a "petite range" which could be worth looking at. I get e mails from them when they have a special sale sometimes only lasting for 24 hours. Last time I got "tall" jeans that should have been £39 for the grand price of £9 and some tops that should have been £49 for about five or eight pounds each. I have some smart dresses in my wardrobe that should have been £99 rrp but I only paid about £25 and I could send back anything that I did not like. Some of the things I got are so nice that dds get disappointed now if I buy something less posh for everyday.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 23rd Sep 16, 12:41 PM
    • 8,181 Posts
    • 46,207 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Mumps......I watched it too.

    I am a firm believer in that, as a society, we have become far too reliant on drugs.

    In fact it's a bit of a hobby horse of mine......

    The point is that most drugs do not work for the long term, many of them should only be used as an interim measure whilst the underlying condition is addressed.

    At best most of them, especially painkillers, only mask symptoms. Then the body adjusts and the dosage has to be increased for the drugs to be effective. This starts a vicious circle of increasing medication with decreasing results and often unpleasant or dangerous side effects. Then you need more drugs to combat the side effects, and so it goes.

    The NHS Spends gazillions on useless drugs which don't work, people remain sick and the drug companies are raking it in.

    (My late husband did a stint with a well known drug company - they had money to burn).

    I'm afraid that although Dr Chris is spot on with his findings he will have a tough job trying to convert the medical establishment and I don't see him winning over many patients.

    I'm afraid he's just a voice crying in the wilderness. There are a few of us, but most people regard us as crackpots.

    Far too many people suffer from what I call "Dr Kildaire Syndrome".

    By this I mean they expect doctors to be miracle workers and they place all their faith in "miracle cures".

    In general most people are either too ignorant or too fearful to put the work in and sort out their health issues. They just get a script from their GP and hope for the best.

    And before anyone shouts at me, I'm not talking about serious diseases like cancer, or the kind of neurological conditions that destroyed my husband. Lifestyle changes won't make any difference in such cases.

    But there are a number of common conditions, diabetes, chronic pain, depression etc that will respond to appropriate lifestyle changes and supporting therapies such as exercise, counselling, improved diet etc.

    But of course if a GP can only spend 10 minutes with a patient then we can't really expect for anything better. All they can do is offer a quick fix and then move on to the next patient.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 23rd Sep 16, 12:47 PM
    • 8,181 Posts
    • 46,207 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    I am a great fan of justlastseason too. I have had some serious bargains from them. I have just bought a beautiful winter coat, £99 instead of £349. And my Best Buy was a stunning lace evening gown. £349 down to £49.

    I find Jacques Vertes sizing is perfect for me. I am 5ft 7 and often struggle to find dresses the right length. JV is always spot on.

    JV, Planet and Pr!cis all do petite ranges.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 23-09-2016 at 12:52 PM.
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