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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    • 11,368Posts
    • 64,777Thanks
    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 200
    • wort
    • By wort 14th Nov 17, 8:37 AM
    • 444 Posts
    • 7,108 Thanks
    wort
    Thanks LL, I suppose, I feel everyone should know. He was my world and how can they not ha e any idea he's gone. But I will play it by ear, and see what happens.
    Great news becoming a grandma, my grandson is the light of my life, definitely my favourite person in the world.
    The trip sounds fabulous, I hope you enjoy it.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 29th Nov 17, 9:52 AM
    • 4,507 Posts
    • 10,408 Thanks
    itsanne
    It's not an easy time of year - I hope you're all doing as well as you can be.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 29th Nov 17, 10:16 AM
    • 937 Posts
    • 1,645 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    I've blown November's budget! Got 3 of my children, and two partners, home for Christmas. So ten days feeding them all, so I have decided to stock up to spread the cost and making the final shop easier so cleaning things well stocked up, staples in the cupboard well stocked up, next week I will be filling the freezer. It is nice but expensive and exhausting. Hope you are all doing OK.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 29th Nov 17, 10:44 AM
    • 10,216 Posts
    • 57,566 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    It's not an easy time of year - I hope you're all doing as well as you can be.
    Originally posted by itsanne
    Yes, It’s a difficult time of year.......

    I have had one or two melancholy days, the odd little weep - oddly enough whilst out walking. I guess that’s my time for allowing my thoughts to roam free and just lately they have roamed into “missing my husband territory”again. No idea why because on the whole life isn’t too bad. I guess you just have to go with the flow.

    Had the first of my vaccinations yesterday ready for my Amazon trip in January. Feel a bit worse for wear today so just going to take it steady. Will try and walk later, altough my right arm really aches. So no “arm swinging” walks today, maybe just have to put my hand in my pocket and keep the arm still.

    My knee is holding up well, I now average 7k steps a day without my knee brace. Don’t know if I’ll get up to the required 10k a day by Christmas but I’ll be happy if I can just keep slowly increasing my activity levels.

    Other than that not a great deal of news. Life trundles on. I am “happy enough”.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 29th Nov 17, 11:38 AM
    • 29,842 Posts
    • 55,813 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Hi Wort ....glad to see you are coping so well at work.

    Sadly there is no easy way to say that someone has died, you can use all the euphemisms you like but it doesn’t change the material facts. I guess you just have to play it by ear rather than have a prerehearsed script.

    I think You will find that the “Jungle telegraph”tends to work well. I found it surprising how many people actually knew without me having to tell them. For the rest well if they asked me how I was then I just told them the truth. I would say quite simply that I was doing ok but did they know that my husband had died and I would just tell them when and leave it at that. I didn’t elaborate unless they asked and even then I didn’t go into detail.

    Perhaps it was different for me because most people knew that my husband had been so ill for so long that his death was just a matter of time and in many ways when it came it was a blessed relief. It might be more difficult when the illness has been short or the death was unexpected. Perhaps others will be able to help you more with that scenario.

    In any way try not to overthink things, just be yourself and see how it goes. Sometimes you might get upset when trying to talk, another time you might be able to be more matter of fact. I found my reactions did vary.

    Well now all is good here. I went to see Paddington yesterday. I can thoroughly recommend it, a lovely gentle feelgood movie that gives you a warm glow and makes you smile......a perfect Christmas film.

    I have been out and about a bit, with some ladies from the jolly Dollies and I also had some friends to stay last week. I am still working on my fitness levels, walking more and managing without my leg brace so making good steady progress.

    Have booked the vaccinations for the Amazon and went to the dentists today. Theres a lot of preparation involved for this trip, not like hopping on a plane for a few days in the Med. I have bought a Brazilian Portuguese language guide to try and learn a bit of the lingo.
    My boys are going to club together and buy some binoculars/small telescope for Christmas so I can star gaze and watch the wildlife.

    I have booked some excursions and more or less planned my wardrobe. Just need to get some proper heavy duty wet weather gear - it’s not called the rain forest for nothing. 6 weeks and probably three seasons of weather needs careful thought. Luckily no real weight restrictions unlike when you fly.

    And now the real big news.........I am going to be a grandmother next year. Wahoo. Life turns full circle .......just a shame my darling can’t be here to see his first grandchild.....he would have made the perfect grandfather. Hey ho......I shall just have to do what I can to take his place. Maybe I should find a nice man to act as surrogate grandfather......

    John 1 - from the cruise - is still in touch but he’s not the one. We are just “pen pals”.......I have joined a dating website but I’m not Holding my breath. So far my “matches” have been somewhat lacklustre so I haven’t bothered with any of them.

    Fussy??, Moi? You betcha.!!!
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    Congratulations, LL, what a lovely thing to happen xxx
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    'Let me tell you this one thing. When you fall out, as you will, don't get blaming each other. Look inside yourself first'. - Hilda Ogden, to Sally on her wedding day to Kevin, Coronation Street 1986. '
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 29th Nov 17, 3:32 PM
    • 10,216 Posts
    • 57,566 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Thanks SDW.

    My poor DIL doesn’t seem to be having an easy pregnancy. Still it’s early days yet. Perhaps once she’s past the first trimester she might pick up. . But right now she’s absolutely washed out.
    • elona
    • By elona 30th Nov 17, 3:05 PM
    • 11,294 Posts
    • 60,461 Thanks
    elona
    The old wives tale was that the worse the early pregnancy, the better for the baby as it meant there were strong pregnancy hormones.

    My first pregnancy was twins and the first few months I was constantly sick and nauseous, DH said I had gone green.

    Best wishes for DIL and little one.

    It started to snow around lunchtime which was quite a surprise so I am staying home with lots of hot drinks and staying cosy.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • wort
    • By wort 30th Nov 17, 5:27 PM
    • 444 Posts
    • 7,108 Thanks
    wort
    LL, I find that my walk to work is a time I have to battle to keep the tears away, I think as you say that it's because you have nothing to occupy your mind. I do try mindfulness, but it's difficult.

    Yesterday I saw a spirit medium, and she was fabulous, she answered all my questions without me asking them. She knew exactly what had happened, even though I'd not given her anything but my 1st name. It has brought me great comfort, to know he's around me, and I made the right decisions.
    I hope everyone is well and coping with the season s activities. X
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 30th Nov 17, 8:00 PM
    • 937 Posts
    • 1,645 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    LL, I find that my walk to work is a time I have to battle to keep the tears away, I think as you say that it's because you have nothing to occupy your mind. I do try mindfulness, but it's difficult.

    Yesterday I saw a spirit medium, and she was fabulous, she answered all my questions without me asking them. She knew exactly what had happened, even though I'd not given her anything but my 1st name. It has brought me great comfort, to know he's around me, and I made the right decisions.
    I hope everyone is well and coping with the season s activities. X
    Originally posted by wort
    I find having a cry when I'm walking the dog is quite cathartic. I don't know why, it is definitely easier on dark nights as I am not one of those people who cry nicely, I do it with red eyes and snotty nose so not a good look.

    I'm glad you feel comforted, never been to a medium but if it makes you feel better then it can't be a bad thing. I hope you are feeling OK.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 1st Dec 17, 11:42 AM
    • 937 Posts
    • 1,645 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Well my Christmas overspending has been sorted. Just renewed my house and car insurance plus the emergency cover for the central heating, drains etc. All in I saved £280 on the renewal with existing companies, all I need to do now is get the car MOT done and pay the road tax and I will be starting the New Year with everything in order.

    Feels like a good morning's work.
    • wort
    • By wort 7th Dec 17, 8:25 AM
    • 444 Posts
    • 7,108 Thanks
    wort
    Well done purple pixie, it's always been my job to get renewal s but I hate doing it, and it's great when it's done.
    LL, not long now ! Holiday excitement must have kicked in.!!

    I've done the Xmas cleaning, and yesterday put the outside lights round my porch ,and moved furniture ready for tree on Sunday. Dgson will help put it up. I played some music whilst doing my jobs and did lots of sobbing.
    The tree was always up for hubby's birthday, which is on Monday, I'm not working which is a blessing , but I'm apprehensive as to how I'll feel. My niece has booked us to see a different medium that evening, she didn't know I'd been, and the fact it's on his birthday, seems a sign I should go.
    I know it's not for everyone,but if the reader is genuine, then they are quite amazing.
    This month is massive with regard to firsts and I know I'll get through but hell it's scary!!!!!!
    Last edited by wort; 07-12-2017 at 8:26 AM. Reason: Sp
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 7th Dec 17, 10:23 AM
    • 10,216 Posts
    • 57,566 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Hello Wort......sound likes you are bracing yourself .......just hold on sweetheart, you will get through it. Let the tears flow, in a funny sort Of way they do help. Those series of “firsts” can hit hard but you can do this. Hope the trip to the medium goes well and that you derive comfort from the meeting.

    Well now, just a month till my trip, as you say getting excited. It’s amzing how being away for 6 weeks takes so much planning. I have had all my vaccinations, I have felt a bit rough and still not quite hundred percent but at least I’ve had them in plenty of time.

    I’ve ordered new glasses and sunglasses online, half the price of my last lot. Fingers crossed I’ve not messed it up. It was hard to decipher the prescription.

    DS1 put the tree up, just need to decorate it and wrap the presents. Hopefully should get that done this week.

    DS2 is “doing Christmas” so I don’t have to. I did it for 37 years so I’m more than happy to sit back this year and let someone else take the strain.

    I’ve had and will continue to have a very expensive month, dentists, opticians, steroid injection to my knee, car MOT, new kitchen tap. I will have to go on a strict economy drive after the holiday.

    In fact, after appraising my wardrobe, I have decided to try and go a year without buying any clothes next year, excepting undies. I have wardrobes and cupboards full, enough to open a small boutique.

    I met Up with the Jolly Dollies last Sunday for lunch. I can recommend joining them when you feel up to it. I shall also be looking at meet up groups next year.

    As we approach the years end I have been reflecting on 2017 and thinking about 2018.

    2017 got off to a shocking start and the business with my sister knocked the stuffing out of me. My health took a nosedive but as we approach the year end I feel happier and healthier than I have done for years. I still miss husband of course but it’s now 3 years and I’m doing ok. Better than ok actually.

    I am looking forward to 2018, my trip, my first grandchild and I have all sorts of ideas about what I want to do and what I want to achieve next year.

    If don’t get back to you, I wish you all peace and joy this Christmas and health and hope for 2018.

    I’m off to Chatsworth next week, it’s a Christmas tradition for me and one that signals The start of the festive season.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 7th Dec 17, 10:53 AM
    • 937 Posts
    • 1,645 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Well done purple pixie, it's always been my job to get renewal s but I hate doing it, and it's great when it's done.
    LL, not long now ! Holiday excitement must have kicked in.!!

    I've done the Xmas cleaning, and yesterday put the outside lights round my porch ,and moved furniture ready for tree on Sunday. Dgson will help put it up. I played some music whilst doing my jobs and did lots of sobbing.
    The tree was always up for hubby's birthday, which is on Monday, I'm not working which is a blessing , but I'm apprehensive as to how I'll feel. My niece has booked us to see a different medium that evening, she didn't know I'd been, and the fact it's on his birthday, seems a sign I should go.
    I know it's not for everyone,but if the reader is genuine, then they are quite amazing.
    This month is massive with regard to firsts and I know I'll get through but hell it's scary!!!!!!
    Originally posted by wort
    Thank you, the car is being MOTd as I type so I am hoping that doesn't spoilt it all. I know it won't be cheap as it is having a full service as well but I don't think that is a waste as I am off on Christmas visits this weekend so doing a 500 mile round trip, I think skipping the service would be a false economy.

    I think music can be a big emotional trigger but sometimes I think a good sob can be good for us. I am watching a BBC drama, can't remember what it is called but it is on Thursdays and it about a registry office. The first episode included a story about a young man registering his baby's birth and marrying his terminally ill partner and then registering her death. I wept buckets and TV programmes rarely make me cry. I felt washed out afterwards but I actually slept really well and felt quite good the following day. Maybe it is just me but I don't cry easily and sometimes I think I need to.

    I hope the reading goes well for you, not something I've ever done but a close relative found it very comforting and if it helps it can't be bad.
    • elona
    • By elona 7th Dec 17, 2:56 PM
    • 11,294 Posts
    • 60,461 Thanks
    elona
    wort

    Good luck with the reading if that does not sound a bit flippant.
    DH's birthday was 21st January so we had Christmas and New Year over with and a couple of dd's birthdays in October. The two younger ones had birthdays in January and February so all the "firsts" were crowded into about four months.

    LL

    I hope you have a lovely time on the cruise. It sounds very exciting.
    I am "doing Christmas" myself and dds are putting up a tree in the conservatory which we use as a dining room and getting excited about setting up a beautiful table.

    Finally got my downstairs walk in shower fixed which is such a relief
    as clambering in the upstairs bath was a bit precarious.

    Tomorrow is a musical evening in Leeds with Michael Ball and Alfie Boe. My daughter's mother in law was bought a couple of tickets but her DH and dd did not want to go with her and my DD and SIL were working late so could not do it.

    I even managed to get a hairdresser's appointment tomorrow afternoon as I am getting the eccentric dragged through a hedge backwards appearance.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 7th Dec 17, 7:50 PM
    • 937 Posts
    • 1,645 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Oh elona I have lost my hairdresser. He has moved 100 miles away and he was the best hairdresser I've had in 40 years. I hope your's looks lovely, nice to have a new hair do for Christmas.

    The MOT wasn't great news but it is done now.
    • elona
    • By elona 8th Dec 17, 1:07 PM
    • 11,294 Posts
    • 60,461 Thanks
    elona
    pixie

    I would settle for not looking like Professor Trelawny in the Harry Potter films

    Glad you got the MOT done and drive safe in the bad weather.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 8th Dec 17, 2:06 PM
    • 937 Posts
    • 1,645 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    pixie

    I would settle for not looking like Professor Trelawny in the Harry Potter films

    Glad you got the MOT done and drive safe in the bad weather.
    Originally posted by elona
    Thanks, bit worrying with the weather. Hope I don't get stuck in the snow. I'm not a Harry Pottery fan so I will have to look up Professor Trelawny.
    • elona
    • By elona 10th Dec 17, 9:26 AM
    • 11,294 Posts
    • 60,461 Thanks
    elona
    pixie

    Think of Emma Thomson with very buck teeth, huge old fashioned glasses and long hair sticking out at all angles and dishevelled.

    I now look more human and feel much better for making the effort.

    Really enjoyed the concert and woke up yesterday with a streaming cold so stayed inside and kept warm with lots of hot drinks. Phoned and e mailed dds to say I would not be cooking lunch today and suggested they avoid me for the next few days as I don't want to pass on the germs.

    Snow is forecast today so might rouse myself to get dressed and go to the nearby shop for tissues, eggs, milk, bread and enough fresh food so I can stay inside for the next few days.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 10th Dec 17, 9:12 PM
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    • 1,645 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Well I can understand why you didn't want to go for that look. Glad to hear your new look was a success. Don't know what I am going to do, I wear my hair very short, think Judy Dench, so I need someone who can cut well as mistakes can't be easily put right. Maybe a barber would be better than a hairdresser.

    My journey was tiring, 500 miles round trip and the roads were icy and very busy. I can't believe people who were speeding in bad conditions. Well I have done my duty so just need to get ready for my kids to arrive which will involve buy ridiculous amounts of food for sons and SIL who appear to have hollow legs.
    • wort
    • By wort 11th Dec 17, 10:41 AM
    • 444 Posts
    • 7,108 Thanks
    wort
    Thank you all.
    Elona- I hope you shake off the cold.x 21st January was my lovely mums birthday.
    Today is hubby's birthday, I've been singing happy birthday -a la Stevie Wonder - in my head all morning. Dgson gone to school , so I allowed myself a sob in the bedroom,before I had a shower.
    I don't think I'm going to get much time to myself all day. 1 of my sisters and husband is due at 11, my other sister is picking me up to go to a local garden centre, I. E. Not a big one.
    My dd2 is coming with dgson after school, and my niece is taking me to the medium at 6pm.
    My dd1 was going to come tonight, but as I'm not sure what time I'll be back and she doesn't live nearby I told her not to come. So she will no doubt ring.
    I feel exhausted already.
    LL have a wonderful time and merry Christmas x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
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