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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    • 11,128Posts
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 198
    • wort
    • By wort 12th Oct 17, 5:49 PM
    • 361 Posts
    • 6,460 Thanks
    wort
    Itsanne, Thank you, I do torment myself sometimes, and I suppose it's natural, looking at it from the point of view you suggest does help.

    Been at work today, and one of the girls was telling g me her husband has left her for someone else, and how hard she's finding it, and I really didn't know what to say, I realise she's upset, but I found it hard to be sympathetic.
    Also I seem to be hearing about so many people with cancer,or brain tumours, I do wonder if people realise what they are saying when they talk about it to me.
    Maybe I'm being too sensitive, a lot of people are obviously going through terrible anguish too, I need to be more compassionate.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 12th Oct 17, 8:58 PM
    • 1,401 Posts
    • 2,546 Thanks
    jaybee
    Many, many thanks again. I do worry about bringing the thread down - or dragging you all back to an area you have progressed from. You are so generous. I do love reading of your new adventures and 'know' that one day I shall be on that path.

    Today has been good. A lovely local handyman came and sorted out the desk for me. He had it done and dusted within an hour! I can see that I shall be calling on him frequently!!

    Had a few 'moments' which were mostly music related. Three songs on the trot with significant words (popular music) and a few particularly poignant classical ones which were special to us both.

    I only managed two hours sleep last night - I gave in and got up just after midnight so I am more than tired. Hopefully that means I shall sleep rather better tonight.

    I have kept myself deliberately busy today - changed my bed and got t dried outside (bonus - it's been a beautiful day), managed to get the grass cut and did a bit of garden tidying (I am not a gardener!!), sorted out some some more paperwork and old photos (not keepers). Faffed around arranging bits on my new desk space! I eve treated myself to a glass of vino collapso (without the collapso bit I hasten to add!)

    Its all swings and roundabouts isn't it.
    • elona
    • By elona 13th Oct 17, 2:15 PM
    • 11,194 Posts
    • 59,323 Thanks
    elona
    jaybee

    When I found I could not sleep one of my dds bought me a pillow spray from "This Works" and it did seem to help a bit. It is a lavender scent which I found calming and somehow reassuring. Boots sell it and probably other big chemist shops.

    I enjoyed the trip to the seaside last week and also meeting up again with three of DH's cousins who were like brothers and feel pleased with myself at getting a nice modern porch light bought and fitted.

    Son in law replaced a light bulb for me last weekend and I have ordered a few more bulbs online and sorted out spare toilet rolls, toiletries, cans of soup and veg etc.

    A meat delivery arrives on Monday and hopefully an order from approved foods with good deals on cans of tomatoes, marinades, veg, pasta etc. Now the weather is changing and days are getting shorter I want to get stocked up as much as possible so I don't have to carry heavy bulky items or go out if it is cold and wet unless I choose to do it.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 13th Oct 17, 6:12 PM
    • 22,611 Posts
    • 58,099 Thanks
    pollypenny
    Itsanne, Thank you, I do torment myself sometimes, and I suppose it's natural, looking at it from the point of view you suggest does help.

    Been at work today, and one of the girls was telling g me her husband has left her for someone else, and how hard she's finding it, and I really didn't know what to say, I realise she's upset, but I found it hard to be sympathetic.
    Also I seem to be hearing about so many people with cancer,or brain tumours, I do wonder if people realise what they are saying when they talk about it to me.
    Maybe I'm being too sensitive, a lot of people are obviously going through terrible anguish too, I need to be more compassionate.
    Originally posted by wort


    Think of it this way - you lost your husband, knowing he loved you. You were probably the love of his life and he'd never have given you up.

    This colleague has been totally rejected as worthless by her husband.

    Not trying to minimise your loss, wort. It's my fear.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • elona
    • By elona 13th Oct 17, 7:14 PM
    • 11,194 Posts
    • 59,323 Thanks
    elona
    wort

    I agree with polly. We all know as a family how hard DH tried to stay with us for as long as possible and did everything he could so our memories are not "tainted" by his having chosen to leave us by divorce etc. For everyone else who is widowed we know our loved ones were "taken" and had not rejected us.

    I put that clumsily but hope you know what I mean and that I have not hurt anyone's feelings.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 13th Oct 17, 7:29 PM
    • 1,401 Posts
    • 2,546 Thanks
    jaybee
    Thanks Elona I shall look out for the Pillow Spray - I do love lavender anyway.
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 14th Oct 17, 10:12 AM
    • 47,681 Posts
    • 172,866 Thanks
    beanielou
    The pillow spray can also be a good quality lavander spray.
    The This Works one are quite small & think are quite pricey.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** **Weight loss 2 stone 2 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.*** ***Keep plodding***
    • wort
    • By wort 14th Oct 17, 12:03 PM
    • 361 Posts
    • 6,460 Thanks
    wort
    Thank you all, I divorced my ex when I was 24 we had been together since I was 14. We had 2 children, and he went out all the time and had other women, so I sort of know where she comes from, she just hasn't got to the bit where you start to feel angry with him for being a b@#*@#$ .
    I hope she finds someone worthy of her as I did and gets to enjoy 30 wonderful years with him.

    Re the lavender you can use the essential oils, but don't use too many drops as it can have the opposite effect. Thanks for the reminder I'd forgotten about lavender, I will dig some out and try tonight.

    Jaybee, the thread is here to help each other, I've found it very helpful to express how I'm feeling without being judged by people who have no understanding of what I'm going through.
    I also find music is what brings me tears, so much . It's funny how I really listen to the lyrics now.
    I found I was keeping myself busy, getting everything organised too, I hope you slept better last night,take care.x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Oct 17, 1:29 PM
    • 10,074 Posts
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    lessonlearned
    Good morning all you lovely brave people.

    I’m back and happy and content .......but more of that later.

    Wort.......good to see you back at work. I’m sure it’s tiring but I think being back in the mainstream swim of life might help you to rebuild your life. Don’t mean that to sound patronising but I think you catch my drift.

    Re pillow sprays. You can make you own for pennies. A cheap plastic spray bottle, add some drops of essential lavender oil and fill with water. Cheap as chips and smells divine. I also do a citronella oil version in the summer to keep the beasties away, especially on holidays to mosquito areas......they eat me alive.

    To all those who fear you might be “bringing the thread down”. Stop that right now. This thread is meant to support and comfort each other when we need it most. So never never worry that you are dragging us back, we are all travelling on the same journey.

    Speaking of travelling ......well I had a truly lovely holiday.

    I’ll do a separate post. I have got lots to tell you.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 16-10-2017 at 1:47 PM.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Oct 17, 1:46 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Well as you know I have now been widowed just over three years and this was my third solo holiday.

    It was lovely. No tears, no sadness, no melancholy. Just nice sunny days, relaxing and visiting some very pretty ports. La Rochelle, Bilbao and la Corunna were my favourites and I also enjoyed my revisit to Lisbon. Gibraltar was ok but not bothered about a revisit.

    There were over 130 solo travellers on board, all ages from around 50s to 90. Met a charming gentlemen aged 90 who had been an architect, he was an outrageous flirt and an utter delight.

    Speaking of flirts......well yes I did my fair share. Lots of nice men to have some lighthearted fun with. Many of them widowers, some of them very recently widowed and rather vulnerable. I have to say I seem to find that we women seem to be able to withstand the rigours if widowhood better than most men. Some of them were definitely on the lookout for replacement wives because they canít face life alone.

    But I digress.

    Anyway.....let me tell you the tale of the two J*hns.

    Yes not one but two men paid me some very flattering attention. I had a gentle flirtation with J1 but he was quickly relegated to the rank of ďjust good friendsĒ. A nice man but not for me.

    Now J2 is a rather more interesting proposition altogether.

    However, Iím not holding my breath. If he contacts me then well and good, if not then no harm done. Whatever happens or doesnít happen with J2 I have learned one thing. That is, I am now ready for another relationship. I have realised that I can now let another man into my life and still cherish my husbands memory. And I know I have my husbands blessing.

    No Iím not husband hunting but Iím ready to live again. J2 May or may not be my next love but he was a delightful companion. No oil painting, just a nice funny, intelligent and gentle man. Only time will tell if thereís more.

    Watch this space.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 16th Oct 17, 1:55 PM
    • 22,611 Posts
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    pollypenny
    That's good, LL.

    Re pillow sprays, I spray mine with lavender Febreeze as I iron them.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • irishjohn
    • By irishjohn 16th Oct 17, 6:08 PM
    • 1,249 Posts
    • 1,952 Thanks
    irishjohn
    No Iím not husband hunting but Iím ready to live again. J2 May or may not be my next love but he was a delightful companion. No oil painting, just a nice funny, intelligent and gentle man. Only time will tell if thereís more.

    Watch this space.
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    Well Well LL good for you. There's a lot to be said for these Cruises, especially the smaller ship type you favour. I had not realised there would be so many singles, worth remembering when I am looking for other ways to travel as a change from my Canary islands escapes.

    I'm sure its no coincidence that this revelation has come to you just at the point where you "finished" the role of parenting now both DS handed over to their very own helpmates. DH would have wanted you to fulfil that task on behalf of you and he and as you say will now be very happy to see you considering alternatives to being alone.

    I hope its a good new adventure for you with whoever pops up. And good choice of name too!!

    Irishjohn - sitting watching very blustery bushes!!
    John
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Oct 17, 6:44 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Very windy here too and we had that weird orange sky thing earlier.....something to do with hurricane Orphelia whipping up sand from the Sahara and the smoke from the Portuguese fires apparently.

    And yes......John is a good name.

    Ps how is the diet going.
    • candygirl
    • By candygirl 16th Oct 17, 7:16 PM
    • 25,827 Posts
    • 104,623 Thanks
    candygirl
    Oooh LL , i'm excited for you, and glad you had a fab hols😁
    Thanks for the tip re lavender spray too x
    "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf"

    (Kabat-Zinn 2004)
    • irishjohn
    • By irishjohn 16th Oct 17, 7:37 PM
    • 1,249 Posts
    • 1,952 Thanks
    irishjohn
    Very windy here too and we had that weird orange sky thing earlier.....something to do with hurricane Orphelia whipping up sand from the Sahara and the smoke from the Portuguese fires apparently.

    And yes......John is a good name.

    Ps how is the diet going.
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    I hope to get two certificates this Wednesday at SW - 2.5 st off and hitting target nor bad for 4 month's effort. started n 18th June
    John
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Oct 17, 8:25 PM
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    lessonlearned
    John.......Wow!!! Well done you. Thatís quite an achievement.
    • elona
    • By elona 17th Oct 17, 10:37 AM
    • 11,194 Posts
    • 59,323 Thanks
    elona
    John

    Well done on the weight loss. I need to get my head into doing the same.

    LL

    I am so pleased you enjoyed the holiday and are embracing life.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • wort
    • By wort 17th Oct 17, 2:11 PM
    • 361 Posts
    • 6,460 Thanks
    wort
    LL - thank you, yes I understand what you're saying, it's just getting used to the new normal,and work is part of that. I'm so glad you had a good holiday, I admit mine was daunting as it was my 1st, but it was relaxing. John is definitely a good name my John was wonderful.
    Irishjohn -that is some achievement, well done.
    I'm feeling a bit bored as I'm having to stay off my foot after the injections, though my work friend is picking me up tomorrow ,to go out for lunch. Too much time to think isn't good,is it.
    I spent some time trying to decide what to have on the little memorial stone, I'm putting in the cemetery on his parents grave, I still have his ashes here,but feel the need to have something with his name on. I was scouring the net and a hymn book for a nice line of a verse to go on it, but it's hard as I want it to be perfect, and reading them was very emotional.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • irishjohn
    • By irishjohn 17th Oct 17, 4:40 PM
    • 1,249 Posts
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    irishjohn
    Thank you all for your kind words -
    I have to admit - am chuffed to bits at my achievement - lighter than I have been in 25 years and the compliments are flying when folks see me. Next job is to buy new clothes. I have tended to buy good stuff, mainly from out of town outlet shopping centres ad am wearing Ralph Lauren shirts which are at least 17 years old! Now its time to re-stock and help out the charity shops. Its not that long since i had one pair of trousers in my wardrobe that fitted me - now none fit me - for very different reasons!
    John
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 17th Oct 17, 5:12 PM
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    • 56,617 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    For the best of reasons. !!!

    Go you.
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