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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    • 11,384Posts
    • 64,945Thanks
    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 197
    • iris
    • By iris 7th Oct 17, 7:26 AM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    iris
    Morning wort.

    Good luck with your return to work and with the foot treatment.

    Re your problem with BT internet - I am with BT and recently had a problem. I spoke to someone in their Bereavement department and they were so helpful and sorted everything out for me. They followed up with phone calls and any charges incurred were refunded (although this needed to be ok-ed by a supervisor). They also sorted out a cheaper deal for me.

    Hope the above information is helpful and that you soon get your internet sorted.
    • wort
    • By wort 8th Oct 17, 9:24 AM
    • 452 Posts
    • 7,197 Thanks
    wort
    Thank you Iris, I'll bear that in mind, I'll see if my nephew will call round first, then hopefully avoiding all the phone calls.
    At the moment it feels like one thing after another, and I still want to get everything in order before going back to work! Maybe so I have somewhere to come back to after a day in work that needs no thought or worry, sort of a haven a the end of the day where I can let go .. If that makes sense???

    My lovely friends are coming round shortly to take me out for a spa day- as their treat to me, so here's to a relaxing day for all .x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 8th Oct 17, 4:19 PM
    • 948 Posts
    • 1,656 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Lovely friends indeed, hope the spa day is lovely.
    • elona
    • By elona 9th Oct 17, 9:01 AM
    • 11,321 Posts
    • 60,696 Thanks
    elona
    wort

    I hope you enjoyed the day and it gave you a boost. My two youngest dds are doing the same thing today and yesterday and were anticipating it eagerly.

    I am going to U3A in York this afternoon to see a silent film classic and will try to pick up a prescription on the way as I keep forgetting to pick them up and I like to be a few weeks ahead if I can.

    Hug to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • wort
    • By wort 9th Oct 17, 3:30 PM
    • 452 Posts
    • 7,197 Thanks
    wort
    I had a lovely day at the spa, my wonderful friends paid for everything ,meals ,mud treatment, I didn't even pay for a drink! We arrived back after 8 PM, and my kind friend even got out of the car and came in with me, to make sure I was alright. I managed to stay awake for Victoria, though my eyelids were heavy. Then went to bed , I didn't get off straight away but slept well apart from a couple of hot flushes! Only getting up at 10 am! !!!
    Today I've cleaned and changed bedding, made sure my uniform is ironed ready for work, shoes clean and packed lunch ready. I'm feeling nervous, which seems ridiculous.
    Dgson is coming after school for tea, and is sleeping so we'll get up and ready together , I can even walk with him to school as it's on way for me to work, and I only need to be there for 9.30.
    Elona hope you had a good day also, I haven't watched a film in ages.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • elona
    • By elona 9th Oct 17, 7:28 PM
    • 11,321 Posts
    • 60,696 Thanks
    elona
    wort

    I had a really good day thanks. It was a film from the 1920's and quite a change of pace from the speed and action in modern films.

    I did not manage to get my prescription filled as I tried two different branches of B**ts while I was in York with no success so will try again tomorrow once my grocery delivery arrives.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • wort
    • By wort 11th Oct 17, 9:52 AM
    • 452 Posts
    • 7,197 Thanks
    wort
    I hope everyone is well.
    I was allowed to work backstage in the stockroom yesterday, so avoided too much interaction with people, but it involved quite heavy lifting etc. So I came home aching and tired, had an early night, and woke early too, I'm hoping to get into a better sleep routine.
    That may be difficult tonight though ,as I'm going to the pub quiz with my sisters, which only starts at 9.30pm!
    I managed to fix the dyson !!!! And the outside light that my brother in law , replaced for me when hubby was in hospital, has suddenly righted itself and now also seems to work properly. !! The light was staying on all day after it clicked on at dusk, it s a pir light so should of turned itself off. Bil replaced and the replacement still did it, so we replaced again , and it still did it. I resorted to switching it off every morning , but very often forgot so it was on all day. So I turned it off for a week or more, then the other night I went in the garage, switched it on as the switch is in there. Then in the morning it had gone off.
    Weird* but glad it's working.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 11th Oct 17, 11:43 AM
    • 948 Posts
    • 1,656 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    I hope everyone is well.
    I was allowed to work backstage in the stockroom yesterday, so avoided too much interaction with people, but it involved quite heavy lifting etc. So I came home aching and tired, had an early night, and woke early too, I'm hoping to get into a better sleep routine.
    That may be difficult tonight though ,as I'm going to the pub quiz with my sisters, which only starts at 9.30pm!
    I managed to fix the dyson !!!! And the outside light that my brother in law , replaced for me when hubby was in hospital, has suddenly righted itself and now also seems to work properly. !! The light was staying on all day after it clicked on at dusk, it s a pir light so should of turned itself off. Bil replaced and the replacement still did it, so we replaced again , and it still did it. I resorted to switching it off every morning , but very often forgot so it was on all day. So I turned it off for a week or more, then the other night I went in the garage, switched it on as the switch is in there. Then in the morning it had gone off.
    Weird* but glad it's working.
    Originally posted by wort
    Sounds like alot of positive stuff going on. Well done on fixing the Dyson.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 11th Oct 17, 6:40 PM
    • 1,401 Posts
    • 2,546 Thanks
    jaybee
    Oh dear! Today has been a bad day. Stupidly I thought I would be able to assemble a flat-pack desk. Err . . . no. Apparently I cannot follow instructions and failed at Stage 2. Fortunately I have found a Man Who Can who will come and do it for me. That will be next week sometime.

    I thought I was doing okay until I had a 'phone call this evening from the Critical Care After Care Team to check up on me and see if I was coping alright. Well, I thought I was until she asked. Cue falling apart again. I know it's 'normal' etc. but it really struck a raw nerve this evening. Mostly I am very much struggling with thoughts and feelings and things that were or weren't said. I'm sure you all have been there and understand what I mean.
    Tomorrow will be a better day . . .
    • elona
    • By elona 11th Oct 17, 8:20 PM
    • 11,321 Posts
    • 60,696 Thanks
    elona
    jaybee

    Hugs even if only virtual. You are doing well even if you don't feel it and I hope that tomorrow is better for you.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 12th Oct 17, 2:16 AM
    • 1,401 Posts
    • 2,546 Thanks
    jaybee
    Thank you Elona. Deep down I do know that things will get better but I think a lot of is that I have always been the one who can cope with everything. Right now that isn't the case and I don't even feel that I want to cop any more. Yes, I can smile and carry on with things on the surface but, like the proverbial swan, I am seen to be calm on the surface but peddling like mad underneath. This really is the hardest thing . . .

    Reading about how you are all coping and getting on with it gives me strength.
    • wort
    • By wort 12th Oct 17, 9:43 AM
    • 452 Posts
    • 7,197 Thanks
    wort
    Jaybee, it's very hard isn't it ,we all understand though and are sending love to you.
    Just now I'd been thinking wether or not he knew he was dying, as we didn't tell him, and I struggled to say what I wanted to say, it never seemed enough .
    You will have all these things go through your head, remind yourself it's normal, and let the grief out.
    I hope today you are feeling better ,and got some rest. X
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 12th Oct 17, 1:12 PM
    • 4,508 Posts
    • 10,409 Thanks
    itsanne
    Thank you Elona. Deep down I do know that things will get better but I think a lot of is that I have always been the one who can cope with everything. Right now that isn't the case and I don't even feel that I want to cop any more. Yes, I can smile and carry on with things on the surface but, like the proverbial swan, I am seen to be calm on the surface but peddling like mad underneath. This really is the hardest thing . . .

    Reading about how you are all coping and getting on with it gives me strength.
    Originally posted by jaybee
    Unfortunately, the peddling like mad underneath is normal and this is very hard. If you think about it you understand that it is bound to be hard, but nothing prepares you for the reality. However, it does become more manageable. (I didn't like that word when it was first suggested, but it probably describes how it is pretty well.)

    You'll also still have 'bad' days, sometimes for no reason you can fathom, but there will be more 'good' days and you'll be more confident that the bad ones won't stay. Gradually you'll feel like a 'coper' again.

    In the meantime, try not to overdo things. This is surprisingly tiring, not just because of difficulty sleeping, and it's easy to become exhausted. Being over-tired makes it harder to manage.

    I hope today is one of the 'easier' ones.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 12th Oct 17, 1:16 PM
    • 4,508 Posts
    • 10,409 Thanks
    itsanne
    Jaybee, it's very hard isn't it ,we all understand though and are sending love to you.
    Just now I'd been thinking wether or not he knew he was dying, as we didn't tell him, and I struggled to say what I wanted to say, it never seemed enough .
    You will have all these things go through your head, remind yourself it's normal, and let the grief out.
    I hope today you are feeling better ,and got some rest. X
    Originally posted by wort
    Wort, struggling to say what you wanted to say means that you did say enough - he'll have known what you were trying to say. Try not to beat yourself up about the 'right' words - there aren't any.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • wort
    • By wort 12th Oct 17, 5:49 PM
    • 452 Posts
    • 7,197 Thanks
    wort
    Itsanne, Thank you, I do torment myself sometimes, and I suppose it's natural, looking at it from the point of view you suggest does help.

    Been at work today, and one of the girls was telling g me her husband has left her for someone else, and how hard she's finding it, and I really didn't know what to say, I realise she's upset, but I found it hard to be sympathetic.
    Also I seem to be hearing about so many people with cancer,or brain tumours, I do wonder if people realise what they are saying when they talk about it to me.
    Maybe I'm being too sensitive, a lot of people are obviously going through terrible anguish too, I need to be more compassionate.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 12th Oct 17, 8:58 PM
    • 1,401 Posts
    • 2,546 Thanks
    jaybee
    Many, many thanks again. I do worry about bringing the thread down - or dragging you all back to an area you have progressed from. You are so generous. I do love reading of your new adventures and 'know' that one day I shall be on that path.

    Today has been good. A lovely local handyman came and sorted out the desk for me. He had it done and dusted within an hour! I can see that I shall be calling on him frequently!!

    Had a few 'moments' which were mostly music related. Three songs on the trot with significant words (popular music) and a few particularly poignant classical ones which were special to us both.

    I only managed two hours sleep last night - I gave in and got up just after midnight so I am more than tired. Hopefully that means I shall sleep rather better tonight.

    I have kept myself deliberately busy today - changed my bed and got t dried outside (bonus - it's been a beautiful day), managed to get the grass cut and did a bit of garden tidying (I am not a gardener!!), sorted out some some more paperwork and old photos (not keepers). Faffed around arranging bits on my new desk space! I eve treated myself to a glass of vino collapso (without the collapso bit I hasten to add!)

    Its all swings and roundabouts isn't it.
    • elona
    • By elona 13th Oct 17, 2:15 PM
    • 11,321 Posts
    • 60,696 Thanks
    elona
    jaybee

    When I found I could not sleep one of my dds bought me a pillow spray from "This Works" and it did seem to help a bit. It is a lavender scent which I found calming and somehow reassuring. Boots sell it and probably other big chemist shops.

    I enjoyed the trip to the seaside last week and also meeting up again with three of DH's cousins who were like brothers and feel pleased with myself at getting a nice modern porch light bought and fitted.

    Son in law replaced a light bulb for me last weekend and I have ordered a few more bulbs online and sorted out spare toilet rolls, toiletries, cans of soup and veg etc.

    A meat delivery arrives on Monday and hopefully an order from approved foods with good deals on cans of tomatoes, marinades, veg, pasta etc. Now the weather is changing and days are getting shorter I want to get stocked up as much as possible so I don't have to carry heavy bulky items or go out if it is cold and wet unless I choose to do it.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 13th Oct 17, 6:12 PM
    • 23,160 Posts
    • 60,003 Thanks
    pollypenny
    Itsanne, Thank you, I do torment myself sometimes, and I suppose it's natural, looking at it from the point of view you suggest does help.

    Been at work today, and one of the girls was telling g me her husband has left her for someone else, and how hard she's finding it, and I really didn't know what to say, I realise she's upset, but I found it hard to be sympathetic.
    Also I seem to be hearing about so many people with cancer,or brain tumours, I do wonder if people realise what they are saying when they talk about it to me.
    Maybe I'm being too sensitive, a lot of people are obviously going through terrible anguish too, I need to be more compassionate.
    Originally posted by wort


    Think of it this way - you lost your husband, knowing he loved you. You were probably the love of his life and he'd never have given you up.

    This colleague has been totally rejected as worthless by her husband.

    Not trying to minimise your loss, wort. It's my fear.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • elona
    • By elona 13th Oct 17, 7:14 PM
    • 11,321 Posts
    • 60,696 Thanks
    elona
    wort

    I agree with polly. We all know as a family how hard DH tried to stay with us for as long as possible and did everything he could so our memories are not "tainted" by his having chosen to leave us by divorce etc. For everyone else who is widowed we know our loved ones were "taken" and had not rejected us.

    I put that clumsily but hope you know what I mean and that I have not hurt anyone's feelings.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 13th Oct 17, 7:29 PM
    • 1,401 Posts
    • 2,546 Thanks
    jaybee
    Thanks Elona I shall look out for the Pillow Spray - I do love lavender anyway.
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