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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 193
    • elona
    • By elona 7th Sep 17, 12:55 PM
    • 11,146 Posts
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    elona
    Iris

    Would something like a mini chopper or blender help? There are special grips for jars and bottles and also battery tin openers that could be useful.

    I treated myself to a faux pearl necklace on am***n that had a magnetic fastening so I did not have to fiddle with it.

    Made a massive effort and have lots of towels etc on the line outside. Rain is forecast in the afternoon so I might have to dash out and grab laundry in a hurry.

    The cleaner comes round this afternoon so will ask her to bring down any towels and laundry so don't have to go upstairs. There were five family staying over at the weekend and I am still trying to get all the laundry dry. My super king duvet cover is in the washing machine and I might have to resort to the tumble drier.

    I had a delivery from approved food and still have tins of soup, diet drinks, pickles, laundry liquid etc to put away so will do that while the cleaner is upstairs.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 8th Sep 17, 7:21 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 119 Thanks
    White_musk
    Well, I went to see the bungalow, it has a couple of issues but they're small ones and nothing that couldn't be got around. I didn't realise from the Estate Agent blurb there was a utility room which is a real plus. There are a couple of other things the blurb either didn't show or mention. went to DD for dinner and a family conflab to see what we all thought. I have to confess, the moment the car drove into the village I felt such longing to be back there. The street the bungalow leads from is where my house stands, it's that close.

    I'm going to see it again but I think my mind is made up, the only fly in the ointment is there is someone else who is also very, very keen so I don't have the time I would have liked because if I drag my heels too much I could loose it.

    I have a lot of things to think about, figures to go through and a quicker than perhaps I would have liked decision to make.
    Last edited by White_musk; 08-09-2017 at 7:25 PM.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • iris
    • By iris 8th Sep 17, 8:02 PM
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    iris
    Keeping everything crossed for you.

    Iris
    • wort
    • By wort 10th Sep 17, 2:29 PM
    • 329 Posts
    • 6,209 Thanks
    wort
    Hugs to all,
    Margaret I'm only 11 weeks into widowhood, and I'm understanding completely how you feel, I think the forum here helps in that at least you know you aren't the only one feeling that way. I found counselling helped with that too.x
    I'm lucky my family are close by and so far don't think I've had a day on my own, but I don't mind my own company. What I find though is that whilst chatting with people quite innocently they mention they've been out for the day with their hubby, or that they've booked a holiday, and I really feel like I've been punched in the stomach, it's a empty feeling inside that I realise I'm not going to be doing that anymore, and part of my future has gone, the hopes and dreams we had .

    Has anyone else felt the need to do or change the house decor, I seem to have been doing it without realising. Wether it was to keep busy or not ,I'm unsure. I have been a kondo convert for quite a while, so found it easy to send hubby's clothes etc to new homes. But I've been painting and moving furniture round ,changing up the garden, I don't know if I'm trying to get it all in order before I return to work.
    Yesterday I painted the kitchen , even the ceiling, which I don't normally do as I have a dicky neck.
    But hubby had painted it after a leak over a year ago and it was patchy, so I bit the bullet and did it whilst I was changing the wall colour.
    My lovely daughter paid off the mortgage so I happily haven't needed to move and I'm so grateful to her for that, we moved in here as a new build ,our 1st home as a couple, as before we came here I'd moved into his house. Hubby always left all the decor to me ,as he didn't have much idea ,the same with the garden ,so I don't feel I'm getting rid of his personality from the home,by changing things.
    Oh! I just realised what I wrote, as I was going to say I hope it doesn't come over that I'm clearing all the memories out.
    It does help me feel more in control I suppose by having everything, neat tidy and organised.
    And when you feel helpless over his death then every thing to make life easier helps I guess.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 10th Sep 17, 3:46 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Well it's a real foretaste of winter here today - a cold wind and gloomy leaden skies. Hey ho. At least now that the main thrust of the renovations are done I can be nice and cosy here.

    Wort .....don't feel bad about making changes to your home, changing your decor, and making things nice. I think it's important that we nurture ourselves and having warm, comfortable and attractive surroundings are all part of that. After all we have been through, We deserve that much at least.

    Of course it doesn't come over that you are clearing out all trace or memory of your husband . You can still honour and cherish his memory, changing the colour of your walls doesn't mean you are "casting him out".

    Its good that you are now mortgage free too, it will make you feel more secure. What a lovely daughter to do that for you.

    Yes I can relate to your feeling "punched in the stomach" - that empty bleak feeling when people happily tell you about their days out, booked holidays etc. It's hard not to feel isolated and that the future seems empty and bleak. They are all happily getting on with their lives whilst we feel that we have been somehow stranded and left behind. I think this is where those feelings of loneliness and isolation really bite.

    We have been robbed not just of our loved ones but also our future - the "what might have been" and "the what ought to have been" Our future paths are very different from what we had envisaged or planned but I guess we just have to try and face our uncertain futures
    with courage and hope in our hearts.

    Not always easy I know......
    • iris
    • By iris 11th Sep 17, 7:20 AM
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    iris
    Good morning everyone, hope you are all doing ok.

    What a lovely post LL.

    I have been feeling very low recently and the weather doesn't help, as I worry about our bungalow and fencing. I have also been having problems with my computers, but don't know how to sort them out.

    Will I ever get used to being on my own?
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 11th Sep 17, 9:51 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Sending you hugs Iris. It's another filthy day here too, it really doesn't do much to lift the spirits does it.

    I had plans to go shopping but I have woken up feeling quite wretched this mornjng, my back is killing me and my tummy isn't happy. So what with feeling below par and the weather I might just give it a miss.

    I'll have a nice long soak in the bath and try a few yoga stretches and see if I feel any better, if not then I'll stay put.

    Re being solely responsible for household maintenance etc. it can come as quite a shock to realise that we are in charge if everything. I agree it can be daunting.

    In a way I am fortunate in that even before my husband got sick he was never much of a diyer and he did work away from home a lot so I just either rolled up my sleeves or got someone in, plus of course I had worked in construction so was unfazed by the mysteries of diy sheds.

    With the computer......you know there must be dozens of teenage nerdy types stuck in their bedrooms who could offer you tech support for a bit of pocket money. Perhaps if you ask around your community someone might have a techie minded grandchild.

    My youngest son is my tech support, he sorts out my friend too and his elder brother. Even as a young teen he often helped out some of our neighbours.

    The other way is to see if there are any of those computing for senior classes. Although my friend did one and she still needs my son when she gets in a mess. so I don't know how useful they are.

    I think it's easy to feel overwhelmed when you are on your own. My advice would be to try and build up a trusted team of tradespeople. Personal recommendation is best. And once you have found one, they can usually point you in the right direction. They all tend to know each other or of each other.

    Can your neighbours recommend people to you.

    Not sure what the week holds. I suppose I will need to entertain the Venezuelan lot a couple of times. I am cooking for them on Wednesday - something very English, not sure what yet. TBH I just feel shattered today so the thought of being a chauffeur this week and keeping them entertained fills me with dread. I just don't feel like it. Like you I feel a bit low...... No real reason, just empty and blah.

    Hey ho.......time for a bath and a bit of a pamper. See if I can shake off the Blues.
    • wort
    • By wort 11th Sep 17, 12:22 PM
    • 329 Posts
    • 6,209 Thanks
    wort
    Hi and thank you LL, I suppose it helps to have people who understand here, and give us perspective. I hope you are feeling better after your bath and can muster up the hostess with the mostest when needed.
    Iris hope you are ok, I too have always been the decorator and diy er , apart from power tools. But for some reason the new boiler that was fitted whilst hubby was in hospital, has a remote panel that needs setting now that heating might be required, and the instructions seemed easy till I tried them!! Luckily my brother in law, is going to call and run through it with me.
    I still need to get the alarm looked at, it's not worked since we had a new door put on over a year ago. But I will feel more secure if I can get it running again.
    Defrosted the freezer this morning , and the weather here is atrocious! I need to visit the gp later this afternoon re my sick note, but I'm not looking forward to the walk there in this weather!!
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • iris
    • By iris 13th Sep 17, 8:36 AM
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    iris
    Hope everyone is ok.

    LL how are you feeling today?
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Sep 17, 1:11 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Hi Iris. .........thanks for asking. I actually feel tons better although my back is giving me gyp. but thankfully my digestive system is back on track.

    A back "episode" generally lasts a couple of weeks and it usually needs a couple of massages before it's right again. I've got to wait until the week after next. In the meantime I'm doing yoga/Pilates type stretches so at least it's not completely seized...... and lashings of tiger balm.

    i am feeding the masses tonight. "Posh" Shepherds pie is done (I tart it up a bit with red wine in the meat and add cheese to the mash) veg all prepped and I am afraid I've cheated for the puddings. Bought a sticky toffee pudding and a lemon meringue pie.

    It's all good old fashioned English "grub". Nothing fancy but I think it will go down well. The Venezuelans just seem to love our traditional English dishes.

    Because of my back I have not been able to take them out and about much but as they are only just back from Dublin and are off to Barcelona at the weekend I don't think they are too bothered. I think they are glad for a bit of a rest. The weather has not been that great here this week, very cold winds and I know they find our weather "challenging" sometimes.

    As you know Venezuela is struggling at the moment, there's very little in the shops so they have been doing quite a bit of shopping whilst they are here. Stockpiling up on OTC meds, vitamins, underwear etc

    Every so often my son and DIL do actually send them a parcel of things they just can't get at the moment but I think they enjoy the novelty of being able to go shopping.

    Their second daughter is a doctor over there and even the hospitals are struggling to get supplies. It does make you realise just how fortunate we are here.

    Wort......I love power tools..... my darling husband was so ham fisted (an early sign of his illness perhaps) we couldn't trust him with them. My kids used to think it was hilarious when I got out the chain saw. not sure I could even lift one now.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 15th Sep 17, 6:36 PM
    • 1,391 Posts
    • 2,528 Thanks
    jaybee
    So, now it's my turn to join you all. Technically I am not a widow as we weren't married but he had been my partner for 36 years - exactly half my age! He was 10 years older than me.
    Today was his cremation. It was a Direct Cremation (think David Bowie and Anita Brookner). His first wish was to leave his body for medical research but, due to his many problems, it wasn't possible so this was decided to be the next best choice.
    There had to be a Post Mortem and now it has been referred for an Inquest which will be next May!!!
    I know what I am feeling is *normal* for now but devastated doesn't even come close.
    I know you all understand and I just wanted to *join in* with like minded people.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 15th Sep 17, 7:00 PM
    • 577 Posts
    • 1,040 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Hello jaybee, so sorry to hear your sad news. It must make it so hard to have the inquest hanging over you for such a long time.

    I don't think the technicalities matter after 36 years, you are his widow in every sense that matters.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 15th Sep 17, 8:28 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 119 Thanks
    White_musk
    Jaybee, I'm so, so sorry, please accept my condolences. At this time the only advice I can offer is to do things in your own time, in your own way and put you first. You are as raw as it gets at the moment so must do things as you're able. (((hugs)))
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • elona
    • By elona 15th Sep 17, 8:37 PM
    • 11,146 Posts
    • 58,816 Thanks
    elona
    Jaybee

    I am so sorry for your loss. It must make things even more difficult with the inquest taking so long.

    Take care of yourself and sending gentle virtual hug.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • iris
    • By iris 15th Sep 17, 8:40 PM
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    iris
    So sorry to hear your sad news jaybee and my heart goes out to you.

    I know exactly how you are feeling as my husband's death was also referred to the Coroner, however, the Inquest date was brought several months forward and so I was able to get a 'proper' death certificate in order to apply for Probate. I found that the Interim Death Certificate was sufficient in most cases.

    Take care Iris
    Last edited by iris; 15-09-2017 at 8:46 PM.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 15th Sep 17, 9:08 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Hello Jaybee. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. How awful that you have such a long wait for the inquest. That's a burden you could live without.

    Sending you virtual hugs. X
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 15th Sep 17, 9:11 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Well today I just so happened to receive an offer in my email that i couldn't refuse......

    A last minute cruise at a bargain basement price. So, dear ladies, I booked it......

    I can finish the decorating when I get back.
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 16th Sep 17, 1:49 AM
    • 4,499 Posts
    • 10,394 Thanks
    itsanne
    I'm very sorry you've had to join us, jaybee, but thirty-six years more than qualifies you.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • iris
    • By iris 16th Sep 17, 6:29 AM
    • 1,083 Posts
    • 3,357 Thanks
    iris
    Well today I just so happened to receive an offer in my email that i couldn't refuse......

    A last minute cruise at a bargain basement price. So, dear ladies, I booked it......

    I can finish the decorating when I get back.
    Originally posted by lessonlearned

    How exciting LL. Tell us more. Where are you going?
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Sep 17, 9:06 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Morning......

    Same cruise line, different ship.

    Heading out to A few ports along western France, northern Spain, Portugal and Gibraltar. 12 nights starting 2nd October.

    I was looking at a UK break but given that the weather is likely to be colder here I decided to opt for a last crack at the sun before the winter sets in. Though TBH it was the price that settled the matter, it works out at just £64 per day - all in. That includes travel, accommodation, food and entertainment. Bargain!! You could barely find a decent UK hotel for that price and then you've still got to travel and eat.

    It's sad but true, but I find that unless you are part of a couple or group then Uk holidays can be rather expensive by comparison with some of the deals you can get. Although I have noticed you can do UK cruises so that might be an option one day.

    Without wishing to whinge I have been feeling a bit down this last couple of weeks.....no real reason, but I've had a bit of a fibro flare up, some stomach problems, backache etc and of course the ongoing problems with my knee. And I just thought "Why not". There's nothing holding me back, perhaps a little holiday will do me good.

    I shall be travelling alone of course but I don't mind. I have found cruises really suit me. As a single woman I feel safe and secure, some ports I am happy to wander around alone but then if I think it might be better to team up with someone then I either go on a guided tour or just pal up with someone.

    That's the beauty of the company I use. They do allocate quite a few cabins for solo travellers so there are always opportunities to chat to people and make friends. Theres never any pressure to "mingle" if you don't want to, so I can always spend some alone time if I need it.

    Re the knee, I have given in and booked a steroid injection for next week. And I managed to get a cancellation at the physios last Wednesday so my back feels a bit better. I still need to nurse it a bit though. Let's face it, I'm just a wreck.

    I am supposed to be meeting up with the Jolly Dollies tomorrow but it's a good hours drive to the meet point and I am not sure I am up to it. I might have to pass on that.

    Hope you are all well. The weather has turned quite cold hasn't it. I still have to try and tackle the garden. I have bought some bulbs and a couple of shrubs so hopefully I can sort those out next week.

    The rest of the house stuff can wait until after my holiday. There's no immediate hurry. I am warm and cosy and the bulk of the decorating is done, it's only few bits and pieces left now,

    As my Late husband used to say "there's nothing spoiling".

    I am happy enough but oh how I still miss him though. Guess I always will. Hey ho. I just keep busy and try to find reasons to be cheerful. And a little sunshine break should help in that department.
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