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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 193
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 11th Sep 17, 9:51 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Sending you hugs Iris. It's another filthy day here too, it really doesn't do much to lift the spirits does it.

    I had plans to go shopping but I have woken up feeling quite wretched this mornjng, my back is killing me and my tummy isn't happy. So what with feeling below par and the weather I might just give it a miss.

    I'll have a nice long soak in the bath and try a few yoga stretches and see if I feel any better, if not then I'll stay put.

    Re being solely responsible for household maintenance etc. it can come as quite a shock to realise that we are in charge if everything. I agree it can be daunting.

    In a way I am fortunate in that even before my husband got sick he was never much of a diyer and he did work away from home a lot so I just either rolled up my sleeves or got someone in, plus of course I had worked in construction so was unfazed by the mysteries of diy sheds.

    With the computer......you know there must be dozens of teenage nerdy types stuck in their bedrooms who could offer you tech support for a bit of pocket money. Perhaps if you ask around your community someone might have a techie minded grandchild.

    My youngest son is my tech support, he sorts out my friend too and his elder brother. Even as a young teen he often helped out some of our neighbours.

    The other way is to see if there are any of those computing for senior classes. Although my friend did one and she still needs my son when she gets in a mess. so I don't know how useful they are.

    I think it's easy to feel overwhelmed when you are on your own. My advice would be to try and build up a trusted team of tradespeople. Personal recommendation is best. And once you have found one, they can usually point you in the right direction. They all tend to know each other or of each other.

    Can your neighbours recommend people to you.

    Not sure what the week holds. I suppose I will need to entertain the Venezuelan lot a couple of times. I am cooking for them on Wednesday - something very English, not sure what yet. TBH I just feel shattered today so the thought of being a chauffeur this week and keeping them entertained fills me with dread. I just don't feel like it. Like you I feel a bit low...... No real reason, just empty and blah.

    Hey ho.......time for a bath and a bit of a pamper. See if I can shake off the Blues.
    • wort
    • By wort 11th Sep 17, 12:22 PM
    • 416 Posts
    • 6,920 Thanks
    wort
    Hi and thank you LL, I suppose it helps to have people who understand here, and give us perspective. I hope you are feeling better after your bath and can muster up the hostess with the mostest when needed.
    Iris hope you are ok, I too have always been the decorator and diy er , apart from power tools. But for some reason the new boiler that was fitted whilst hubby was in hospital, has a remote panel that needs setting now that heating might be required, and the instructions seemed easy till I tried them!! Luckily my brother in law, is going to call and run through it with me.
    I still need to get the alarm looked at, it's not worked since we had a new door put on over a year ago. But I will feel more secure if I can get it running again.
    Defrosted the freezer this morning , and the weather here is atrocious! I need to visit the gp later this afternoon re my sick note, but I'm not looking forward to the walk there in this weather!!
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • iris
    • By iris 13th Sep 17, 8:36 AM
    • 1,086 Posts
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    iris
    Hope everyone is ok.

    LL how are you feeling today?
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Sep 17, 1:11 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Hi Iris. .........thanks for asking. I actually feel tons better although my back is giving me gyp. but thankfully my digestive system is back on track.

    A back "episode" generally lasts a couple of weeks and it usually needs a couple of massages before it's right again. I've got to wait until the week after next. In the meantime I'm doing yoga/Pilates type stretches so at least it's not completely seized...... and lashings of tiger balm.

    i am feeding the masses tonight. "Posh" Shepherds pie is done (I tart it up a bit with red wine in the meat and add cheese to the mash) veg all prepped and I am afraid I've cheated for the puddings. Bought a sticky toffee pudding and a lemon meringue pie.

    It's all good old fashioned English "grub". Nothing fancy but I think it will go down well. The Venezuelans just seem to love our traditional English dishes.

    Because of my back I have not been able to take them out and about much but as they are only just back from Dublin and are off to Barcelona at the weekend I don't think they are too bothered. I think they are glad for a bit of a rest. The weather has not been that great here this week, very cold winds and I know they find our weather "challenging" sometimes.

    As you know Venezuela is struggling at the moment, there's very little in the shops so they have been doing quite a bit of shopping whilst they are here. Stockpiling up on OTC meds, vitamins, underwear etc

    Every so often my son and DIL do actually send them a parcel of things they just can't get at the moment but I think they enjoy the novelty of being able to go shopping.

    Their second daughter is a doctor over there and even the hospitals are struggling to get supplies. It does make you realise just how fortunate we are here.

    Wort......I love power tools..... my darling husband was so ham fisted (an early sign of his illness perhaps) we couldn't trust him with them. My kids used to think it was hilarious when I got out the chain saw. not sure I could even lift one now.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 15th Sep 17, 6:36 PM
    • 1,401 Posts
    • 2,546 Thanks
    jaybee
    So, now it's my turn to join you all. Technically I am not a widow as we weren't married but he had been my partner for 36 years - exactly half my age! He was 10 years older than me.
    Today was his cremation. It was a Direct Cremation (think David Bowie and Anita Brookner). His first wish was to leave his body for medical research but, due to his many problems, it wasn't possible so this was decided to be the next best choice.
    There had to be a Post Mortem and now it has been referred for an Inquest which will be next May!!!
    I know what I am feeling is *normal* for now but devastated doesn't even come close.
    I know you all understand and I just wanted to *join in* with like minded people.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 15th Sep 17, 7:00 PM
    • 869 Posts
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    thepurplepixie
    Hello jaybee, so sorry to hear your sad news. It must make it so hard to have the inquest hanging over you for such a long time.

    I don't think the technicalities matter after 36 years, you are his widow in every sense that matters.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 15th Sep 17, 8:28 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 119 Thanks
    White_musk
    Jaybee, I'm so, so sorry, please accept my condolences. At this time the only advice I can offer is to do things in your own time, in your own way and put you first. You are as raw as it gets at the moment so must do things as you're able. (((hugs)))
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • elona
    • By elona 15th Sep 17, 8:37 PM
    • 11,250 Posts
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    elona
    Jaybee

    I am so sorry for your loss. It must make things even more difficult with the inquest taking so long.

    Take care of yourself and sending gentle virtual hug.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • iris
    • By iris 15th Sep 17, 8:40 PM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    iris
    So sorry to hear your sad news jaybee and my heart goes out to you.

    I know exactly how you are feeling as my husband's death was also referred to the Coroner, however, the Inquest date was brought several months forward and so I was able to get a 'proper' death certificate in order to apply for Probate. I found that the Interim Death Certificate was sufficient in most cases.

    Take care Iris
    Last edited by iris; 15-09-2017 at 8:46 PM.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 15th Sep 17, 9:08 PM
    • 10,161 Posts
    • 57,149 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Hello Jaybee. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. How awful that you have such a long wait for the inquest. That's a burden you could live without.

    Sending you virtual hugs. X
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 15th Sep 17, 9:11 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Well today I just so happened to receive an offer in my email that i couldn't refuse......

    A last minute cruise at a bargain basement price. So, dear ladies, I booked it......

    I can finish the decorating when I get back.
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 16th Sep 17, 1:49 AM
    • 4,503 Posts
    • 10,402 Thanks
    itsanne
    I'm very sorry you've had to join us, jaybee, but thirty-six years more than qualifies you.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • iris
    • By iris 16th Sep 17, 6:29 AM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    iris
    Well today I just so happened to receive an offer in my email that i couldn't refuse......

    A last minute cruise at a bargain basement price. So, dear ladies, I booked it......

    I can finish the decorating when I get back.
    Originally posted by lessonlearned

    How exciting LL. Tell us more. Where are you going?
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Sep 17, 9:06 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Morning......

    Same cruise line, different ship.

    Heading out to A few ports along western France, northern Spain, Portugal and Gibraltar. 12 nights starting 2nd October.

    I was looking at a UK break but given that the weather is likely to be colder here I decided to opt for a last crack at the sun before the winter sets in. Though TBH it was the price that settled the matter, it works out at just £64 per day - all in. That includes travel, accommodation, food and entertainment. Bargain!! You could barely find a decent UK hotel for that price and then you've still got to travel and eat.

    It's sad but true, but I find that unless you are part of a couple or group then Uk holidays can be rather expensive by comparison with some of the deals you can get. Although I have noticed you can do UK cruises so that might be an option one day.

    Without wishing to whinge I have been feeling a bit down this last couple of weeks.....no real reason, but I've had a bit of a fibro flare up, some stomach problems, backache etc and of course the ongoing problems with my knee. And I just thought "Why not". There's nothing holding me back, perhaps a little holiday will do me good.

    I shall be travelling alone of course but I don't mind. I have found cruises really suit me. As a single woman I feel safe and secure, some ports I am happy to wander around alone but then if I think it might be better to team up with someone then I either go on a guided tour or just pal up with someone.

    That's the beauty of the company I use. They do allocate quite a few cabins for solo travellers so there are always opportunities to chat to people and make friends. Theres never any pressure to "mingle" if you don't want to, so I can always spend some alone time if I need it.

    Re the knee, I have given in and booked a steroid injection for next week. And I managed to get a cancellation at the physios last Wednesday so my back feels a bit better. I still need to nurse it a bit though. Let's face it, I'm just a wreck.

    I am supposed to be meeting up with the Jolly Dollies tomorrow but it's a good hours drive to the meet point and I am not sure I am up to it. I might have to pass on that.

    Hope you are all well. The weather has turned quite cold hasn't it. I still have to try and tackle the garden. I have bought some bulbs and a couple of shrubs so hopefully I can sort those out next week.

    The rest of the house stuff can wait until after my holiday. There's no immediate hurry. I am warm and cosy and the bulk of the decorating is done, it's only few bits and pieces left now,

    As my Late husband used to say "there's nothing spoiling".

    I am happy enough but oh how I still miss him though. Guess I always will. Hey ho. I just keep busy and try to find reasons to be cheerful. And a little sunshine break should help in that department.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Sep 17, 12:57 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Just Had a call with one of the ladies I met through the Jolly Dollie, the one I had a drink with a few weeks ago. She has very kindly offered to pick me up tomorrow so I don't have to drive. Wasnt that nice.

    So Cinderella gets to go the ball after all, well the coffee morning.

    Just managed to have a little walk to the shop, strapped up my knee so as not to make matters worse. Going to potter about now, a bit of cooking and a spell in the garden, and then hopefully some yoga.

    It's a quiet life, far removed from the hustle and bustle I'm used to, but that's ok.

    What is it that saying......."theres a time and a season for every purpose under heaven".
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 16-09-2017 at 1:08 PM.
    • elona
    • By elona 16th Sep 17, 8:13 PM
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    elona
    LL

    It is from Ecclesiasties and "to everything there is a season". It makes me cry but is comforting too.

    I love the sound of your cruise. especially going to Gibraltar as DH and I went there when we were newly married and loved the place.

    Have a lovely time and get yourself relaxed and healthy.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Sep 17, 8:47 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Thanks for that. I knew it originates from the bible but wasn't sure which book. To be honest I half recalled it from a song called "Turn, Turn, Turn". Recorded by the Bryds and then later covered by Mary Hopkins.

    Yes it does have a comforting ring to it.

    Yes I think a holiday will do me good. I have been quite low today, just a tad melancholoy and physically a bit below par. My sister upset me this week....up to her old tricks........I won't bore you all with the details.

    I shouldn't be surprised at her antics and I really mustn't let her get under my skin but she still has the power to shock and hurt me at times.

    A change of scene and a bit of sun should help give me a lift.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 16-09-2017 at 9:02 PM.
    • elona
    • By elona 16th Sep 17, 9:07 PM
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    elona
    LL

    I am so sorry sister has stayed true to form and upset you.

    Maybe it is a blessing in disguise as if she were decent and thoughtful for even a few months it would be understandable for you to be fooled by her and wondering if you had misjudged her somehow.

    The reading from the bible actually has "turn, turn, turn" so maybe the songwriter took it directly from the bible reading.

    Having had teachers in primary school who thought the 20 minutes of registration should be used by pupils reading their bibles, and being a very good, quick and precocious reader I have an odd memory of certain passages especially the less salubrious ones

    Would it be cheeky to ask what company you use to travel?
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Sep 17, 10:20 PM
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    lessonlearned
    No not cheeky at all. This is a place where hopefully we can share tips and information about issues such as solo travel. I am more than happy to share what I am learning about travelling alone and I would be delighted if anyone else woukd like to give tips and advice. This solo living malarky is such a steep learning curve isn't it. There's such a lot to take on board. (No pun intended)

    The cruise line is called Cruise and Maritime. You can book direct or through an agent. This time I am using an agent called Iglu. Not used them before but as I say it was a good deal. Iglu are agents for other cruise lines too.

    C&M seem to be one of the best for low single supplements. They allocate around 25 per cent of their cabins for solos. They seem to have cottoned on to the fact that the numbers of solo travellers are increasing and they are really gearing up to that market, with a lot of their excursions, dining arrangements and on board entertainment aimed at appealing to solos. Some of the other cruise lines and travel companies haven't quite grasped that yet and still charge high single supplements. And not all of them think to make special arrangements to make solos feel comfortable or that they are valued customers. They just seem to go the extra mile.

    C &M also operate a reward scheme with good discounts for returning guests. You don't have to book direct to get the scheme benefits, they are also available when you book through an agent.

    Some passengers who have travelled with the likes of Cunard or P&O are sometimes a bit sniffy about C&M. Apparently the ships are less luxurious etc but I have had no complaints, especially when you weigh up the price differential. I find them very comfortable and quite "homely". I don't think I would fancy some of the huge floating gin palaces, I imagine they might feel a bit impersonal.

    TBH I think you always get the moaners. Some people are just never happy unless they have something to complain about. I don't know why some of them even bother going in holiday if they are so picky. To hear them talk they must live in luxurious palaces the size of Chatsworth.....

    The C&M ships are small and intimate compared with the likes of Cunard etc but that means they can get into ports that the larger ships can only access by tender.

    Having said that I think if I was crossing the North Atlantic to say either New York or Canada I would probably look at Cunard, preferably the QUeen Mary 2. Or maybe P&O. The Atlantic can be rough and I think the bigger ships are probably better stabilised for heavy seas.

    My friend is currently in Canada and she crossed the Atlantic in a small ship last week after hurricane Irma. It was a bit "choppy" apparently. She said she was glad to get on dry land.!! And she is usually a very good sailor, even sailing to the Falklands on a smaller ship so it must have been rougher than normal for her to comment.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 16-09-2017 at 10:30 PM.
    • elona
    • By elona 16th Sep 17, 10:39 PM
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    elona
    LL

    Thanks so much for the information as I had not heard of the company. It sounds much more accessible and compact for someone like me as I had been looking at some of the bigger fancier ships which scared me in terms of price and feeling comfortable there and not out of my depth if you all will pardon the pun!

    Re "moaners" - I remember over twenty years ago hearing an assistant in the small local newsagent saying to someone she did not see the point in going on holiday if it was not five star! To me the point would be where you were going and why and a hotel was where you slept and got washed and dressed so you could enjoy the sights of the country.

    My dream was always to see Pompeii and I found a cruise that would do this for £1500 last year and was dubiously considering it as a once in a lifetime trip.
    My DDs and SIL found a family holiday with flights and airbb for a bit less than £500 each and we all went in April. Not only did we see Pompeii but also Herculaneum and Pasteum and a car trip round the bay of Naples which was wonderful.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
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