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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    • 11,310Posts
    • 64,067Thanks
    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 192
    • poppy811
    • By poppy811 5th Sep 17, 9:42 AM
    • 24 Posts
    • 427 Thanks
    poppy811
    good morning
    Welcome to the new posters. It is just over a year since my husband died and I can totally identify the feeling of going backwards at times.

    I have recently had support from the community mental health team which has made such a difference. I am waiting for a response from the hospital regarding the delays in my husbands treatment. I hope protocols can be tightened up so no-one else goes through the same thing.

    Iris, I had to travel by train recently with a change at Bristol Temple Meads. I nearly didn't go but it was fine, just allow plenty of time to find the next platform etc. I was really pleased that I managed it. Seems that our confidence takes a terrific knock after bereavement.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 5th Sep 17, 10:10 AM
    • 30 Posts
    • 119 Thanks
    White_musk
    Dreadful day here too....so dark, like mid winter.

    Hey ho, just going to crack on, a bit more painting then a good clear up. DS2 popping over. We legally complete on Thursday so need to get all the utilities switched over etc. Bless him he'll do that for me. If I try to do it all on line, it will take me a month of Sundays and I'll get in a right old muddle. Me and technology don't make easy bedfellows.

    White Musk I understand what you are saying about regretting the move. I still miss the old family home. I sold it in 2012 for financial reasons - no choice I'm afraid - and I haven't really settled properly since then. I am buying DS2s house for now because I simply couldn't make a decision about where I wanted to live. And it gave him an easy sale so he and his girlfriend could move in together.

    For those new to the thread, I moved in with DS2 after my husband died, it was supposed to be temporary!!!

    We have been renovating this one....it has taken an eternity partly because of problems encountered along the way, and partly because I had to deal with three deaths and the subsequent aftermath.

    I have cleared three houses and dealt with three estates and it's been a rough ride. So for now I'm happy to remain in this house for another year or so and then I really must search for a "forever house". Whilst we have turned it into a lovely home it won't be suitable for me in the long term, too many steps and stairs.

    White Musk. Yes it's a good idea to start thinking about the mechanics of how you are going to actually move and start getting a rough idea of costs. Removal costs really aren't that bad and it saves you an awful lot of hassle.

    I am finally learning that we really do have to pace ourselves now and not overdo things. Getting some help and someone to do the muscle work will make life easy for you.

    I am just so pleased I finally took my Late mothers advice and decided to buy in some help.

    She was right - I am not 30 any more. I have finally swallowed my pride and admitted that maybe I'm not wonder woman after all.

    From now on if I need help I will pay for it. I am lucky in that my boys live close by. They can help if they wish, if they are free and it's not too much hassle for them but they have their own lives to lead and I am not going to lean on them or be clingy. I want to be independent and not a burden to them.
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    It's true, I'm not wonder woman any more either It's hard to accept I can't do the things I used to but it is what it is.

    I'm going to have to decorate if I do move, while I'm sure the decor in the bungalow is 'modern' it's not my taste, the wallpaper in the lounge is black! I shall be pacing myself and having decorators come in as I can afford it. My daughters locally are too busy with babies and education and I have this need to make them think I'm totally self sufficient so they don't worry.

    It's so difficult as my husband was so handy, there was nothing he couldn't turn his hand to. He built our kitchen in our first marital home along with fitting all the carpets, decorating, making shelving etc, so I'm now having to deal with all the building, repairing, prettying myself.

    I shall prevail
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • elona
    • By elona 5th Sep 17, 1:44 PM
    • 11,250 Posts
    • 59,967 Thanks
    elona
    white musk

    When you said the decor in the bungalow was modern I was pleased for you as I inherited decor that was a very old person's taste even in the seventies or early eighties

    I ended up changing everything downstairs with plain rather than "swirly" carpets , a new kitchen diner and bathroom and two bedrooms knocked into one big one. My take on modern is pale light reflecting colours on the walls, plain and neutral carpets, pale laminate on the floors etc.

    Black wallpaper sounds overwhelming. I hope it is just on a feature wall and is an easy peel off paper than can be replaced quickly.

    The only feature wallpaper I have is an upstairs bedroom with a faux wall of books which sounds over the top but looks stunning.

    LL

    Had you thought of getting cheap crystals and wire and twining some on the cream chandelier so they reflect light ?

    I was planning on contacting a handyman for a few odd jobs but will wait till bank payments go in later this week.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 5th Sep 17, 3:31 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 119 Thanks
    White_musk
    white musk

    When you said the decor in the bungalow was modern I was pleased for you as I inherited decor that was a very old person's taste even in the seventies or early eighties

    I ended up changing everything downstairs with plain rather than "swirly" carpets , a new kitchen diner and bathroom and two bedrooms knocked into one big one. My take on modern is pale light reflecting colours on the walls, plain and neutral carpets, pale laminate on the floors etc.

    Black wallpaper sounds overwhelming. I hope it is just on a feature wall and is an easy peel off paper than can be replaced quickly.

    The only feature wallpaper I have is an upstairs bedroom with a faux wall of books which sounds over the top but looks stunning.
    Originally posted by elona
    I agree. This bungalow was all freshly decorated when I moved in, that was part of the reason I chose it. All light and airy with cream paint all through and light laminate. Just what I like.

    I will have a better idea Friday (obviously) but from the web site photographs it's going to need decorating right through. It's all very clean and looks as though it's not that long ago it was decorated but I really couldn't live with black wallpaper in the lounge
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 6th Sep 17, 2:38 AM
    • 37,824 Posts
    • 34,216 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    I have been invited to go and stay with friends, but I need to travel there by train, as it would be a long difficult journey by car. I will also need to change trains in Birmingham. I have only ever travelled by train once before (December 2016) and I remember feeling anxious amongst so many people. Initially I accepted, but now I am having second thoughts, as staying at home seems easier. Is this normal?
    Originally posted by iris
    I'm sure it's perfectly normal. Birmingham New Street is, as others have said, quite large, but I've found you a station map. It'll probably put you right off, but you can make it larger (link beneath the map), and you can also get a good idea of which platforms your trains normally come and go from by looking up the live departure boards beforehand - the 10.11 is likely to do the same thing every day so you can check a day or so beforehand.

    (I've got an app on my phone which also does this while I'm on the train, but I realise you may not be that techy, and it does depend on being able to connect!)

    Also on a long distance train the other day, the train manager was announcing which platform we were coming in on, and which various other trains were leaving from. I don't know if that always happens, and sometimes the announcements are inaudible, but it was helpful.

    What I have found confusing about Birmingham is that if you use the lifts you sometimes come up on the wrong side of the barrier, maybe that's sorted now as they were doing a lot of work when I was heading 'oop north' more frequently. However staff are very helpful, and I guess used to people being in the wrong place!

    If any part of your journey uses Virgin trains then upgrading to first is SO worthwhile. And the lounge at New Street is good too.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 2 shawls, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 1 seaman's hat ...
    Current projects: 1 shawl, another seaman's hat
    • iris
    • By iris 6th Sep 17, 6:38 AM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    iris
    Thank you for your help LL, savvy_sue and poppy811. I have decided not to go, maybe next year.

    I am feeling too anxious at the moment and want to stay at home. It is one year today since my husband died.
    Last edited by iris; 06-09-2017 at 7:00 AM.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 6th Sep 17, 8:29 AM
    • 10,161 Posts
    • 57,154 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Bless you Iris. Just do what you feel comfortable with.

    Sending you hugs today. Hope it's not too bad. Xx
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 6th Sep 17, 10:59 AM
    • 872 Posts
    • 1,563 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Iris it is understandable that you don't feel up to it but I just wondered if this might help in future? When my late MIL used to visit us she booked assistance with the station. She would be helped onto the train and her luggage safely put away for her and her seat identified, then at the other end someone would be waiting to help her off. If she needed to change trains they would meet her off one train and put her on the next. It is a free service, I think it is normally shown as help for disabled but MIL was never asked about any disability and they were always very helpful.

    The other thing to look at is if you can change trains somewhere else, as an example I live in the south west and if I book a train to visit friends in the East Mids it shows a change at Birmingham New St but it is far easier to change at Cheltenham, a lovely station and I don't even need to change platforms. I found this by just looking at the route of the whole train, if you are interested in that but not sure how to do it I would be happy to look it up for you if you gave me your starting station and destination, you could PM me if you don't want all your details to be public. It might not work for your journey but might be worth a look.

    Hope you are coping OK today.
    Last edited by thepurplepixie; 06-09-2017 at 11:02 AM.
    • iris
    • By iris 6th Sep 17, 11:23 AM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    iris
    Thank you so much purplepixie for your offer of help, it is much appreciated and I will look into what you have suggested and if I need help I will send you a pm.

    Today is not good. I have received a bouquet from our daughter and another from our grandchildren, but all I really want is to be with them, but I know that is not possible.
    • elona
    • By elona 6th Sep 17, 1:01 PM
    • 11,250 Posts
    • 59,967 Thanks
    elona
    Iris

    Just sending you a hug.

    If you can't get to them could you skype?
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • iris
    • By iris 7th Sep 17, 7:50 AM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    iris
    Iris

    Just sending you a hug.

    If you can't get to them could you skype?
    Originally posted by elona
    Thank you Elona for your post. I spoke to our daughter yesterday for a very long time. She is trying to arrange to come and visit, but because of her job it is difficult and I do understand this. And 'yes' I could visit her, but this isn't possible at the moment, again because of her job.

    A friend rang yesterday and insisted that I went to spend the day with her, she is lovely, (if a little bossy but in a good way).

    Today I have been invited to spend the day with another friend, so I won't be on my own. But then it is the dreaded weekend on my own.

    Hope everyone is ok.
    Last edited by iris; 07-09-2017 at 7:57 AM.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 7th Sep 17, 10:19 AM
    • 30 Posts
    • 119 Thanks
    White_musk
    Due to my disability I struggle with housework. Thankfully just being me and the fur boys we are almost always tidy and never get dirty. However, I spied a thread here about doing h/w so joined and so far am managing to do some of the jobs which has boosted my moral. To be able to join an able body thread and do some of the 'normal' things they do as routine is nice.

    Tomorrow is V day and I confess to terrible nerves. I want this move so much and have just about convinced myself anything that could go wrong will, starting with me hating the bungalow. The area is lovely, it's a village but close to major shopping hubs.

    I'm going to try to put it all out of my mind for today or worry and stress will kick off a flare up.

    Iris.

    I lost my husband in January by July I was totally alone. It was the most difficult period of my life, from a wife and mother to a living alone widow. Time has been my salvation (2 and a half years since widowhood) and now I love solitude, I've been known to tut out loud at the phone ringing or a knock at the door. Treat yourself kindly and allow yourself time to heal and adjust to your new normal. I miss my husband terribly and still chat to him but day to day living has become easier as I learn to please myself and cope with things in my own way.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • iris
    • By iris 7th Sep 17, 11:16 AM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    iris
    Thank you for your kind words White_Musk.

    I also have a disability and my husband used to help with so many things, that I now struggle to do, such as chopping food etc. I tried to get a bracelet off my wrist the other day and ended up breaking it, so had to take it into a jewellers to be repaired.

    I hope you will be happy in your new home and that your move goes smoothly.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 7th Sep 17, 12:53 PM
    • 10,161 Posts
    • 57,154 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Iris. One of my hobbies is jewellery making.

    One thing I have done with my costume jewellery, necklaces etc is to fit them with magnetic clasps, or larger less fiddly fastenings. Most of the bracelets watches etc can be slipped on, sort of bangle types or "stretchy".

    I still struggle with the "good" jewellery my husband bought me though, the fastenings are so fiddly so I can only wear them when I've got someone around to help me. Such a shame because a lot of the time they just sit in the safe but I will never part with it. I would love to wear them more often. Rather than mess with them and run the risk of damaging them I was thinking I could take them to a jewellers and see what they can do.

    I also have my mothers jewllery, some broken and some which is not really my style. I was thinking Of taking that too getting it remodelled etc. It's such a shame because currently that too just sits there in the safe.

    It's the little niggly things isn't it, like back zips on dresses. What I really need is a traditional lady's maid.....

    Apart from the fibro and osteoarthritis I think I am quite fit and healthy but i have my moments. The other day my hands were really stiff and I gave myself a nasty cut opening a tin. It was a ring pull but somehow it just slipped. I also have a coffee table with I keep bruising my legs on so I'm going to get rid of it.

    I am still decluttering and streamlining everything to make life more manageable, finding what works best for me. I Have also bought a few gadgets to make jobs easier or myself more comfortable.

    The big one for me is having an automatic car. It's an absolute godsend, I don't think I could cope with gear changes now.

    Have either of you looked on the Old Style board, there is a thread about Old Style and Poor Health......sorry I can't do links. But there are lots of helpful tips and ideas on there, which gadgets work best, different ways of doing everyday tasks etc. Although I am not disabled I have picked up lots of helpful tips from that thread.

    WHitemusk.....try not to get too stressed about the viewing tomorrow. Just take your time, you don't have to make a snap decision......go back for a second viewing or even a third viewing.

    Says she.....who ended up buying her sons house because she couldn't make a decision about what or where to buy. I will move eventually of course but for now I am happy. The stairs and steps will mean I can't stay here for the long term but for now I love this little house. We have legally completed today.

    Re living alone......I am adjusting and adapting to a solo life. I do actually quite enjoy the quiet and solitude.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 07-09-2017 at 1:52 PM.
    • elona
    • By elona 7th Sep 17, 12:55 PM
    • 11,250 Posts
    • 59,967 Thanks
    elona
    Iris

    Would something like a mini chopper or blender help? There are special grips for jars and bottles and also battery tin openers that could be useful.

    I treated myself to a faux pearl necklace on am***n that had a magnetic fastening so I did not have to fiddle with it.

    Made a massive effort and have lots of towels etc on the line outside. Rain is forecast in the afternoon so I might have to dash out and grab laundry in a hurry.

    The cleaner comes round this afternoon so will ask her to bring down any towels and laundry so don't have to go upstairs. There were five family staying over at the weekend and I am still trying to get all the laundry dry. My super king duvet cover is in the washing machine and I might have to resort to the tumble drier.

    I had a delivery from approved food and still have tins of soup, diet drinks, pickles, laundry liquid etc to put away so will do that while the cleaner is upstairs.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 8th Sep 17, 7:21 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 119 Thanks
    White_musk
    Well, I went to see the bungalow, it has a couple of issues but they're small ones and nothing that couldn't be got around. I didn't realise from the Estate Agent blurb there was a utility room which is a real plus. There are a couple of other things the blurb either didn't show or mention. went to DD for dinner and a family conflab to see what we all thought. I have to confess, the moment the car drove into the village I felt such longing to be back there. The street the bungalow leads from is where my house stands, it's that close.

    I'm going to see it again but I think my mind is made up, the only fly in the ointment is there is someone else who is also very, very keen so I don't have the time I would have liked because if I drag my heels too much I could loose it.

    I have a lot of things to think about, figures to go through and a quicker than perhaps I would have liked decision to make.
    Last edited by White_musk; 08-09-2017 at 7:25 PM.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • iris
    • By iris 8th Sep 17, 8:02 PM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    iris
    Keeping everything crossed for you.

    Iris
    • wort
    • By wort 10th Sep 17, 2:29 PM
    • 418 Posts
    • 6,929 Thanks
    wort
    Hugs to all,
    Margaret I'm only 11 weeks into widowhood, and I'm understanding completely how you feel, I think the forum here helps in that at least you know you aren't the only one feeling that way. I found counselling helped with that too.x
    I'm lucky my family are close by and so far don't think I've had a day on my own, but I don't mind my own company. What I find though is that whilst chatting with people quite innocently they mention they've been out for the day with their hubby, or that they've booked a holiday, and I really feel like I've been punched in the stomach, it's a empty feeling inside that I realise I'm not going to be doing that anymore, and part of my future has gone, the hopes and dreams we had .

    Has anyone else felt the need to do or change the house decor, I seem to have been doing it without realising. Wether it was to keep busy or not ,I'm unsure. I have been a kondo convert for quite a while, so found it easy to send hubby's clothes etc to new homes. But I've been painting and moving furniture round ,changing up the garden, I don't know if I'm trying to get it all in order before I return to work.
    Yesterday I painted the kitchen , even the ceiling, which I don't normally do as I have a dicky neck.
    But hubby had painted it after a leak over a year ago and it was patchy, so I bit the bullet and did it whilst I was changing the wall colour.
    My lovely daughter paid off the mortgage so I happily haven't needed to move and I'm so grateful to her for that, we moved in here as a new build ,our 1st home as a couple, as before we came here I'd moved into his house. Hubby always left all the decor to me ,as he didn't have much idea ,the same with the garden ,so I don't feel I'm getting rid of his personality from the home,by changing things.
    Oh! I just realised what I wrote, as I was going to say I hope it doesn't come over that I'm clearing all the memories out.
    It does help me feel more in control I suppose by having everything, neat tidy and organised.
    And when you feel helpless over his death then every thing to make life easier helps I guess.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 10th Sep 17, 3:46 PM
    • 10,161 Posts
    • 57,154 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Well it's a real foretaste of winter here today - a cold wind and gloomy leaden skies. Hey ho. At least now that the main thrust of the renovations are done I can be nice and cosy here.

    Wort .....don't feel bad about making changes to your home, changing your decor, and making things nice. I think it's important that we nurture ourselves and having warm, comfortable and attractive surroundings are all part of that. After all we have been through, We deserve that much at least.

    Of course it doesn't come over that you are clearing out all trace or memory of your husband . You can still honour and cherish his memory, changing the colour of your walls doesn't mean you are "casting him out".

    Its good that you are now mortgage free too, it will make you feel more secure. What a lovely daughter to do that for you.

    Yes I can relate to your feeling "punched in the stomach" - that empty bleak feeling when people happily tell you about their days out, booked holidays etc. It's hard not to feel isolated and that the future seems empty and bleak. They are all happily getting on with their lives whilst we feel that we have been somehow stranded and left behind. I think this is where those feelings of loneliness and isolation really bite.

    We have been robbed not just of our loved ones but also our future - the "what might have been" and "the what ought to have been" Our future paths are very different from what we had envisaged or planned but I guess we just have to try and face our uncertain futures
    with courage and hope in our hearts.

    Not always easy I know......
    • iris
    • By iris 11th Sep 17, 7:20 AM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    iris
    Good morning everyone, hope you are all doing ok.

    What a lovely post LL.

    I have been feeling very low recently and the weather doesn't help, as I worry about our bungalow and fencing. I have also been having problems with my computers, but don't know how to sort them out.

    Will I ever get used to being on my own?
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