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    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    • 11,591Posts
    • 67,009Thanks
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 181
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 18th Jun 17, 5:18 PM
    • 4,508 Posts
    • 10,409 Thanks
    Julie, unless you have a reason to think there's something in it there's no reason not to go. If it turns out that he has other ideas, it's easy to put him right. Chances are that he wants someone to talk to, just as the rest of us do.

    It's good to talk with other people who know what it's like, and unless you have a lot more people to socialise with than me there's no point in ruling out half the population.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • juliethemuse
    • By juliethemuse 18th Jun 17, 5:39 PM
    • 640 Posts
    • 2,955 Thanks
    Ooooh, Julie, have you been? Did you fly?
    Originally posted by dorothy52
    No it was ferry then coach. we loved it. it was so beautiful I filled up with tears. dont often do that when I'm happy I can tell you.
    We loved the Swarovski museum. it was amazing for a bling lover like me.
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 18th Jun 17, 5:43 PM
    • 457 Posts
    • 1,490 Thanks
    LL the UK ones are so good. Hotels are basic and often airport ones, so you are a bit out of the way for an evening stroll IYSWIM, but so reasonable. We were in our Forties on the first one and by far the youngest, but recently there have been younger people. My ex in laws went to Austria by coach when I first met the ex and they seemed really old but looking back they will have been younger than me lol. Yes, I have looked at the Italian ones, fancy those as well. Flying to Florence in August eugh. It's not the flying per se it's all the faffing about in the airport, delays, the bun fight for overhead lockers cos every one seems to bring their entire wardrobe in their hand luggage rather than pay for a case. Boats and coaches, much more civilised.
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 18th Jun 17, 5:45 PM
    • 457 Posts
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    Oh Julie you have really made me want to go now. Gonna book it for next year, and if Mr Dot doesn't want to go I will offer his ticket on here lol
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 19th Jun 17, 1:58 AM
    • 37,968 Posts
    • 34,401 Thanks
    Well Julie, if you decide to meet him, then the usual advice applies: somewhere public, and in this case for a first meeting I'd try to fit it in between other things, rather than setting aside a whole morning or afternoon.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 2 shawls, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 1 seaman's hat ...
    Current projects: 1 shawl, another seaman's hat
    • iris
    • By iris 19th Jun 17, 6:51 AM
    • 1,087 Posts
    • 3,364 Thanks
    Hi Iris. Glad to hear you had a nice time. Your holiday sounds really good. I know I'm booked for the "biggie" next year but I have been thinking that perhaps a few short breaks might be a better option in future. It would break up the "alone" periods. Does your friend live near you.

    My son has now semi moved out, spends 4 or 5 nights a week with his girlfriend so I have finally had to embrace aloneness at last. I was very lucky to have my son with me all this time but even good things have to come to an end and it won't be very long now before I too will be living au solitaire.

    I am currently looking at joining a meet up group but have been struggling with their website so I need to try and get to get grips. I'm not much of a "joiner" if I'm honest but I'm prepared to give it a try.

    I tried the "Jolly Dollies" - a group for widows - but our local group doesnt seem very active so no joy there.

    Hey ho. Anyway I really need to concentrate on health and fitness. I joined a gym but it is currently closed for refurbishment but I do intend to be a little gym bunny when it reopens. And then if I can get my knee sorted I would like to try dance classes.

    It's very difficult isnt it. Looking at all these options they are only really "time fillers". What I really need is A sense of purpose not just a way of passing time. I am not used to being without direction. It makes me feel adrift.
    Originally posted by lessonlearned

    Hi LL - my friend lives about an hour's car journey away from me, but her available pick up places/times suited us. I am surprised our trip wasn't cancelled, as the coach was only half full, but it did mean that we could try different seats. There were two single ladies on our coach, but everyone made them welcome and at meal times they joined different tables. We are now looking for another break in September/October.

    Have you tried joining U3A LL? Why don't you go to one of their monthly meetings in your area, then you could see what it is like and also meet the members. Have a look on line and see when they meet. Lots of U3A groups also arrange coach trips and larger ones also offer trips abroad/cruises. The one I belong to is only small, but the members have been very welcoming and I have made friends.

    I agree with your comment about 'passing time'
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 19th Jun 17, 1:16 PM
    • 10,334 Posts
    • 59,006 Thanks
    Iris.....thanks for reminding me about U3A. Had forgotten about that.

    Have been doing a lot of thinking and I have decided I am not prepared to settle for "passing time". It's just not good enough and I know my husband would want more for me iyswim.

    So I'm going to do "something". Not quite sure what yet

    But yes, I'm definitely going to get some proper projects on the go.

    I need to get my thinking cap on but my first steps are to get fit and healthy.

    Get my knee sorted out and lose weight. Cholesterol and blood pressure need to come down pronto. I have also noticed what looks suspiciously like another basal cell carcinoma on my face (maybe two).

    No big deal I had one removed in 2006 and have always known that I would probably get more as the years go by. 11 years is good going.

    Just another little bump on life's highway.......
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 19-06-2017 at 1:18 PM.
    • juliethemuse
    • By juliethemuse 21st Jun 17, 11:43 AM
    • 640 Posts
    • 2,955 Thanks
    Well we had a coffee/lunch/chat it was ok, he can still make me laugh but I don't really want to repeat the experience just in case he gets the wrong idea.
    Afterwards I came home and felt so sad. I want to go out with my husband. I want to talk to HIM. I hate this existence, can't even call it a life.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 21st Jun 17, 12:45 PM
    • 1,004 Posts
    • 1,752 Thanks
    Julie glad it went OK but sorry you felt so sad when you got home. It is difficult.
    • elona
    • By elona 22nd Jun 17, 9:35 AM
    • 11,394 Posts
    • 61,692 Thanks

    I think it was really brave of you to go and am sorry it made you even more aware of your loss.

    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 22nd Jun 17, 10:19 AM
    • 10,334 Posts
    • 59,006 Thanks
    Well done Julie. It was a big step for you.

    I can understand that it made you feel worse than ever though. It's only natural that it would highlight your loss even more.

    I still find this even now. I go out with friends, have a lovely time and then come back and have no one to "share" with.

    I am afraid I don't know the answer to that one.........maybe there just isn't one.

    Like Iris.......she had a nice holiday and then had to come back to an empty house and feeling alone again.

    This is the big one, our new reality, being alone for much of the time.

    MRI scan for my knee on Saturday.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 24th Jun 17, 9:43 AM
    • 10,334 Posts
    • 59,006 Thanks
    Good morning.......

    Will these tsunamis never end.......

    Sorry but I have to share today - I just feel terrible. It has been the week from hell.

    It's bad enough being a widow and having to face stuff alone but when you have toxic family members to deal with too then it becomes just too much.

    I believe I may have touched on " sistergate" before.......well it all came to a head this week. I won't go into details and bore you all to death but I have finally taken the plunge and "divorced" her.

    Easier said than done......the aftershocks have been dreadful, chest pains, panic attacks, stomach in knots, sleepless nights's been up there with losing my husband.

    I know I have done the right thing. It's for the best but it doesn't make it any less painful.

    Today I have my MRI scan.......not the best way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

    Really missing my husband

    Sorry for such a downbeat post......hope you are all feeling better then I do today.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 24th Jun 17, 1:10 PM
    • 30,018 Posts
    • 56,227 Thanks
    Lesson awful Hugs coming your way xxxxx
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”: C.S. Lewis
    LOving and caring Corbynista to Jacob Rees-Mogg : 'Why don't you F*** off and die?' J.R-M 'If I do, will you please pray for my immortal soul?' '
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 24th Jun 17, 2:36 PM
    • 457 Posts
    • 1,490 Thanks
    Oh LL love, I am sorry you are having such a rubbish time. You mentioned that your sister had been challenging during your dads last days, and that you had distanced yourself, she had held out the olive branch and you had taken it. So it's all kicked off again eh?

    I know it won't make you feel any better but I am having a nightmare with step DD1, it really is affecting mine and Mr Dot's relationship and we are both heart sick. I have come to work for a few hours just for a bit of respite!

    I think we are similar, LL, will put up with all sorts for a quiet life and family harmony, but it gets to a point when it all becomes too much and you just HAVE to walk away for your own sanity. I certainly want to do that but..........hey........we shall see. So I really do feel your pain and am sending you a strengthening hug.

    I thought you had been quiet this week, have thought a lot about your DS moving out and you making the transition to living alone. My MIL was only 49 when FIL died, and her eldest DS split with his wife at the same time and moved back home, it was such a comfort for both of them.

    I hope the results from the MRI are encouraging. Oh well, better get some work done now I am here, but I really don't feel like it. It's times like this when I wish I drank lol
    • Michaelio
    • By Michaelio 24th Jun 17, 2:41 PM
    • 8 Posts
    • 31 Thanks
    Am so sorry to hear, and I also agree with penny
    • elona
    • By elona 24th Jun 17, 3:02 PM
    • 11,394 Posts
    • 61,692 Thanks

    Good Luck with the MRI and I hope the results are what you hope for or if not , that something can be done to help.

    I am so sorry about "sistergate" and can't imagine what she managed to come up with to top her past behaviour. I had hoped that the "olive branch" was genuine for your sake but had a nasty feeling it was just another of her "tactics".

    The irony is that because you are a decent and sensitive person, you are going through the mill in reaction to the situation while she is probably oblivious or else has convinced herself that you do not really mean it and that you will come around in time.

    For your own sake, please don't as she will only find yet another way to hurt you or to let you down.

    Hugs (wish I could help).
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 24th Jun 17, 3:49 PM
    • 10,334 Posts
    • 59,006 Thanks
    Well the MRI scan was pretty straightforward. Because it was my knee I didn't have To be fully immersed in the chamber, so not too bad at all.

    Dorothy.....sorry to hear about your step DD. Must be extremely difficult for you, bad enough when it is immediate family but probably even harder with a blended family.

    Since I have opened up about my sister lots of people have told me their own stories of family discord. I have been astonished by how many similar stories I have heard, how many people have had a similar experience, some far worse than mine.

    At least we get to choose our friends......

    And no Elona.....I won't backtrack, not this time. I gave her one last chance and she blew it. She's burned her bridges. I drew a line and she crossed it. She had fair warning and chose to ignore it.

    I appreciate I might sound harsh and unforgiving but she has put me through hell. This week my blood pressure has been sky high. Well I just said enough, I am not going to risk a stroke or a cardiac arrest on her behalf. Thankfully my BP has started to come down again. Phew.

    I have started "shabby chiccing" some furniture. Slow and painstaking work but very absorbing, almost like a form of meditation. With a paintbrush in my hand I just go into "the zone".

    Whenever I'm troubled I like to work with my hands, it helps me switch my brain off.

    Just sitting in the garden, it's cooler today, much more comfortable.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 24-06-2017 at 4:02 PM.
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 24th Jun 17, 4:46 PM
    • 457 Posts
    • 1,490 Thanks
    Elona was absolutely spot on - another wise woman on our lovely, supportive thread. It's we sensitive ones who suffer the most, while the antagonists just go their merry way, unaware or not caring about the anguish they leave in their wake.

    I am still at work, like you, happily in the zone - there is something so soothing about the quiet tapping of a lone keyboard in a massive empty office.

    You do not deserve to be treated so badly, my virtual friend, and neither do I - we will get over this....we will
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 24th Jun 17, 5:30 PM
    • 10,334 Posts
    • 59,006 Thanks
    lessonlearned have that so right. Yes they leave a trail of destruction in their wake and then go on their merry way. We are left to pick up the pieces.

    One of the things my sister threw at me just before our father died is that I "don't show enough emotion".

    My sister is emotionally incontinent. She goes in for public displays of emotion, weeping and wailing all over the place, grabbing sympathy and attention, posting every detail on FAce Book.

    Like most HSPs I tend to maintain the old stiff upper lip in public, very Jackie Kennedy...... and then go home and shed my tears in private.

    Of course the downside to bottling up emotion is that you get sick.......stomach upsets, hypertension, migraines, fibromyalgia, chest pains.My sister conveniently forgets that and accuses me of being unfeeling.

    Just because I find it hard to shed tears doesn't mean I don't feel anything. I support her through her immediate storms of grief and then she ignores my delayed reactions and refuses to acknowledge that I might be grieving too.

    Grief takes so many different forms, we don't all get the vapours and collapse in a heap. Some of us have to soldier on and get through the bureaucratic nightmare first before we can allow ourselves the luxury of tears.

    One of Dads nurses summed it up very well. When dad passed, My sister was giving it her all, sobbing uncontrollably to the point of collapse, whilst I remain dry eyed.

    The nurse asked if my sister was going to be alright, should she get the doctor to give her a sedative. Then she turned to me and said "more to the point are you going to be alright". I said yes I was fine. She looked me straight in the eye and said. "Yes of course you are, you just won't be able to get out of bed tomorrow".

    And yes she was dead right. I couldn't.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 24-06-2017 at 5:32 PM.
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 24th Jun 17, 6:01 PM
    • 457 Posts
    • 1,490 Thanks
    That's what so great about this thread.....I am too embarrassed and private to talk about this inRL. I too keep my troubles to myself, yet will lend a sympathetic ear to others. I dread Mr D going before me, I really, go, having to deal with the Princess of Darkness's histrionics, and as for mirror wills, oh dear God, can't bear to think of it. I am home and Mr D and I are walking to the pub......see I have turned to drink after all. Chin up my friend
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