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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    • 10,885Posts
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 180
    • irishjohn
    • By irishjohn 13th Jun 17, 11:28 PM
    • 1,244 Posts
    • 1,939 Thanks
    irishjohn
    I think its inspired to buy DS2's house, especially if it is not to be your "old and dottery" place. You know it has been renovated well and you can escape a lot of the expense of moving and save your son some fees too. You will no doubt tweak it a bit to put your mark on it - even though you have been involved in what has been done so far and it will give you a few good years to soar before gliding into the next place you buy. Well done. But just the one question - is it just a sitting in sort of garden or can it handle "pegging out" - something we oldies still love to do when the spring arrives!
    John
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 14th Jun 17, 7:05 AM
    • 13,184 Posts
    • 36,076 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    - I've got my uses

    Sometimes an outsider looking in can see a different angle - and I know what I've been picking up loud and clear in your posts over time is you being unclear about moving on the one hand and you clearly like your son's house and seem to feel quite happy there.

    Think that's what they mean by a "win win" sitation for you to buy it off him - always good on those rare occasions where the chance arises.
    ploughing my own furrow...

    No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
    • warby68
    • By warby68 14th Jun 17, 7:09 AM
    • 804 Posts
    • 8,783 Thanks
    warby68
    Its a bit like shoe shopping LL, look in 20 shops and then go back for the first pair you saw lol

    I must say its felt like you were almost forcing yourself to look for a property and then blowing hot and cold. There must have been a reason.

    What a perfect, if not permanent, solution - you always sound so 'at home' where you are. Does this mean the puss gets to stay where he is too?

    I think you can celebrate by putting that underfloor heating in
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 14th Jun 17, 9:19 AM
    • 9,802 Posts
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    lessonlearned
    Thanks guys....

    We are still negotiating about who gets custody of the cat.

    Yes Money. It's a win win scenario. I could happily live here as long as I can manage the stairs. And as you all say we will save a fortune in fees. Surveys etc. We Will arrange it so that DS2 gets a clear £50k of equity. That should still leave me with a decent profit when I do decide to sell, so yes definitely win win.

    Re the garden. Well I might get some decking down to give me a nice little seating/dining al fresco area. Currently I just sit out at the top of the path. I might even plant a flowering cherry tree or two. I love those.That won't add value as such but it will be the final flourish to add "saleability".

    Anyway I feel happy it's all decideD. DS2 is thrilled and I'm sure his girl will be happy too. And of course I'm still close to DS1 and DIL. Only 5 minutes by car.

    Anyhow in all my prattle about houses I haven't said hello to Julie. Hope you are ok my dear. Please don't think I'm prying and only share if you want to, but how did you get on at the doctors. Was it helpful.

    Anyhoo. I'm off to see the othopaedic surgeon. Just when I think I'm
    Doing ok and that it's healing and that I'm going to be wasting his time it gives me a painful reminder that it's not happy. So I guess there is something going on and the sooner it's sorted the better. Worst case scenario will be keyhole surgery which I'm told is no biggie.

    Beautiful day here. Hope you all have a good one.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 14-06-2017 at 9:25 AM.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 14th Jun 17, 9:48 AM
    • 29,214 Posts
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    seven-day-weekend
    Glad you have made a decision LL and it sounds the perfect solution for both of you. You don't have all the hassle of moving and he gets to move on. Great!
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 14th Jun 17, 4:54 PM
    • 439 Posts
    • 1,475 Thanks
    dorothy52
    Pegging out,IJ, another lovely old fashioned term, you can tell we are all of a generation here lol.
    • irishjohn
    • By irishjohn 14th Jun 17, 5:00 PM
    • 1,244 Posts
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    irishjohn
    Aye Dorothy but I notice LL glossed over it - I suspect she is a Tumble Drier sort of gal!!
    John
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 14th Jun 17, 5:44 PM
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    lessonlearned
    I'm Both a "pegger" and a TD gal.

    It just didn't get what you meant by pegging out....

    Round here it also means dying so I was a bit confuzzled. Lol
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 14th Jun 17, 5:48 PM
    • 439 Posts
    • 1,475 Thanks
    dorothy52
    Oh God help us if us oldies love to shuffle off this mortal coil when the spring arrives! Made me chuckle. Sunny days and pegging out yer washing"...........bliss
    • juliethemuse
    • By juliethemuse 16th Jun 17, 9:00 AM
    • 640 Posts
    • 2,945 Thanks
    juliethemuse
    Managed to get all the benefits sorted out until I get a job. handed out loads of CVs at the local job fair the other day. I really need a job to stop me sitting at home crying and drinking all day. I know that sounds bad.
    Hope everyone is well.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 16th Jun 17, 10:05 AM
    • 512 Posts
    • 988 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Julie that is great, it doesn't sound bad you have been coping that is all. Good luck with the job search, I think you are right and it will be great for you. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Jun 17, 10:29 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Good to hear from you Julie.

    Great that you have got all the benefits sorted out. One to cross off the to do list.

    Good luck with the job hunting, hope something comes your way.

    You sound much brighter and stronger today..

    Baby steps.......

    Have had a mini health MOT today.....a few minor issues but I can work on them. Saw the knee surgeon last night, definitely a meniscal tear and possibly a bit of Osteoarthritis. Oh the joys of aging.

    Awaiting an MRI scan to assess the damage and work out a treatment plan. It's not too bad at all at the moment so the rest is definitely paying off.

    Out with friends for dinner tonight and then a nice quiet weekend pottering in the garden (no kneeling!!!) and soaking up the sun....
    • elona
    • By elona 16th Jun 17, 11:15 AM
    • 11,069 Posts
    • 58,098 Thanks
    elona
    Julie

    Fingers and toes crossed for a job for you. Hope you can find something you can enjoy as well as occupy your thought.

    LL

    Good luck with the knee problems and enjoy the weekend. I have a hospital appointment on Tuesday to follow up on the PEs on the lungs a few months ago.

    I managed to get an appointment for a haircut tomorrow and will try to find the phone number of a local cleaner to help me sort out the house. Going to York this afternoon to treat a dd to watching "Wonder Woman" at the cinema.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • elona
    • By elona 17th Jun 17, 10:40 AM
    • 11,069 Posts
    • 58,098 Thanks
    elona
    LL

    This may be a stupid suggestion but if everything else is all right and the steep staircase is the only niggle, then how about a really good stairlift? (Only when the time comes )

    It would be a lot cheaper than EA and legal fees never mind removal fees etc.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 17th Jun 17, 12:05 PM
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    lessonlearned
    I don't really think it's stair lift friendly, very steep and quite narrow. Then one step up to the corridor which leads to the bedrooms. Plus a flight of deep steps to the front door itself. Typical Victorian terrace. So I don't think it has the potential for a forever house.

    I think I will probably stay here another year to 18 months and then consider my final move. I don't want to leave it too long otherwise I might reach a stage where I just can't face it.

    I still really fancy building my own. Buying DS2s leaves me enough capital to buy a plot of land without having to take out a mortgage. Then sell this, release the rest of my capital and then rent whilst the next house is being built.

    Or something along those lines. Nothing's written in stone. I am still young and fit enough to be fairly flexible. As long as I don't have To live on a building site again.

    Today I have started painting my dining room furniture. Now that I'm staying here on my own I am going to make a few changes to make it a bit more "me".

    So I'm going in for a bit of French Style shabby chic. Ooh la la.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 17-06-2017 at 12:07 PM.
    • juliethemuse
    • By juliethemuse 18th Jun 17, 9:30 AM
    • 640 Posts
    • 2,945 Thanks
    juliethemuse
    Can I ask your opinions please? A man I used to work with 30 years ago has asked to meet me for a coffee and chat. He lost his wife a few years ago.
    Working together he always made me laugh. however others used to laugh AT him as they thought he was a bit 'odd' as he is very religious.
    I dont know what to do. I certainly don't want to give him the wrong idea. although I'm sure he wouldn't.
    But I feel a bit guilty going. if my husband was alive he would not approve. even though it is entirely innocent. and putting it mildly I wouldn't fancy him in a million years. but I yearn to talk to someone outside the family, as my kids are the only people I seem to talk to.
    • warby68
    • By warby68 18th Jun 17, 9:43 AM
    • 804 Posts
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    warby68
    Morning Julie

    I say go and try. You will soon see if the type of company he is offering is good for you.

    Even on a very basic level, just something different to do is good.

    You sound like a person who can be frank if they need to and if he is immediately after his next wife or just a bit too 'odd' for you I'm sure you will be able to make it a one off. A coffee meet can be quick too.

    I'm not sure why you say your husband wouldn't approve though unless you feel instantly there is a man/woman rather than friend/friend bit to it. But you say not and, brutally, life is different now and ultimately you have to do what is right for you xx

    Nothing ventured, nothing gained

    That's my take but I'm not a widow so I do accept if there are some angles I'm not appreciating.

    So glad as well that you are looking forward and out Julie, this and the job. You sound like there is a lot of strength underneath and much as you don't want to live with what's on your plate, you know already what you need to do to make a go of it

    PS And this is for everyone really, I should imagine today is one of those 'trigger' days. It certainly is for me so be kind to yourselves xx
    Last edited by warby68; 18-06-2017 at 9:46 AM.
    • juliethemuse
    • By juliethemuse 18th Jun 17, 10:05 AM
    • 640 Posts
    • 2,945 Thanks
    juliethemuse
    My husband wouldn't approve as he was a little bit on the jealous side. but i'm never going to be looking for anyone else. for loads of reasons. and one of those reasons is I could never potentially go through this heartbreak again.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 18th Jun 17, 10:05 AM
    • 9,802 Posts
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    lessonlearned
    Yes indeed Fathers Day is a trigger day. I don't know how others deal with it but I have purposely not drawn attention to it with the boys. It is the first one without my own father and whilst my FIL is still alive he has dementia and doesn't know me any more, so we have gone from 3 Dads to no Dads.

    Julie......I have not been placed in your position regarding a man asking me out for coffee...... but I think I tend to agree with Warby. He may just be being kind and offering the hand of friendship without the thought of anything else even crossing his mind.

    You won't really know unless you meet with him......I guess you can't really ask "his intentions" beforehand, I'm sure you will soon be aware of any ulterior motives he might have.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 18th Jun 17, 11:15 AM
    • 512 Posts
    • 988 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    Can I ask your opinions please? A man I used to work with 30 years ago has asked to meet me for a coffee and chat. He lost his wife a few years ago.
    Working together he always made me laugh. however others used to laugh AT him as they thought he was a bit 'odd' as he is very religious.
    I dont know what to do. I certainly don't want to give him the wrong idea. although I'm sure he wouldn't.
    But I feel a bit guilty going. if my husband was alive he would not approve. even though it is entirely innocent. and putting it mildly I wouldn't fancy him in a million years. but I yearn to talk to someone outside the family, as my kids are the only people I seem to talk to.
    Originally posted by juliethemuse
    I think you need to think about what have you got to lose? Maybe an hour or two and what would you be doing with that time otherwise? What have you got to gain? Well possibly a friend who understands where you are coming from, someone to talk to. I'd say go for it.
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