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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    • 11,058Posts
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 179
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 12th Jun 17, 6:31 PM
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    lessonlearned
    La la la ..I'm not listening.

    Stream will flood!!! Ha ha.

    Yeah you're probably right. It would at the moment because it's choked with vegetation but it's far enough away from the house not to be a real worry.

    But yes I can check for flood risks with the environment agency.

    I once fell in love with a cottage, till I checked it out......near the confluence of three rivers. I soon changed my mind on that one.

    The larger cheaper bungalow with the big garden is in a cul de sac, the bus route into the city centre just around the corner in the next street so not too bad.

    Actually, when I say "away from civilisation" it's not the back of beyond - just a suburb of the city. A bit sprawling but now that they have released so much green belt my city and its satellite villages are all joinjng up to form one vast conurbation anyway.

    Theres no such thing as splendid isolation until you get at least 10 miles out - most villages are less than half a mile from one of the main arterial roads into the city.

    The nearest parade of shops, which includes a chemist, is about a good 10 minute walk, all on the level, no hills so if push came to shove, then although I have joked about it, a mobility scooter would fit the bill if I couldn't drive.

    I would imagine a taxi into the city centre, or railway station, main hospital would be around £10.

    The Big plus about the second larger property is is that it's completely wheelchair friendly.

    As a carer for my wheelchair bound husband........he had one of those large tilt in space chairs because he couldnt sit unsupported, and then my mum and her Zimmer frame, I learned lot about the needs of wheelchair users and those with limited mobility.

    Easy flat access, wide corridors with no tight corners, large rooms, wide doorways etc, tarmacced or block paved drives and footpaths. Wheelchairs and gravel don't mix......

    There's always a compromise isn't there, no house is ever perfect. You just have to weigh up the pros and cons.

    The smaller, more expensive house, is in a slightly nicer location, but tbh there is not a lot in it. Neither are exactly crime infested ghettos. Lol. However, the driveway is tight.......I would need to spend money on creating a turning circle, the house itself needs about £20k spending on it, and there is the upkeep of the private road to consider. (It has not been adopted by the council). Again bus stop in the next road, £10 taxi rides but there is a local co op and a chemist within an easy 5 minute walk.

    Swings and roundabouts spring to mind.......

    Anyway DS2 will take a look tomorrow. He's even more picky than I am so he will be quick to pounce on any negatives.

    There was a third bungalow that took my fancy, quiet city centre location but realistically too expensive because again it needs a lot of TLC and wads of cash.

    Hey ho.....it will all come out right in the end.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 12-06-2017 at 6:52 PM.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 12th Jun 17, 7:08 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Will it be my final home....

    I don't think so.

    If I live long enough I will probably eventually move into a sheltered facility or a city centre apartment. Although the boys have talked about granny annexes or "pods" in their gardens.

    My answer is always "not yet".

    I was once a manager in a sheltered housing complex. They aren't all grim and if you find the right one they can be a perfect compromise, fending off the need for the dreaded nursing home.

    I would rather end up in a sheltered housing complex than a nursing home, but even then, they are not all bad.

    My FIL is in a very nice home, he loves it there. Admittedly he has dementia and he thinks he lives in a hotel.

    But as long as he is happy and well cared for that's all that matters.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 12th Jun 17, 7:12 PM
    • 29,369 Posts
    • 54,830 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    La la la ..I'm not listening.

    Stream will flood!!! Ha ha.

    Yeah you're probably right. It would at the moment because it's choked with vegetation but it's far enough away from the house not to be a real worry.

    But yes I can check for flood risks with the environment agency.

    I once fell in love with a cottage, till I checked it out......near the confluence of three rivers. I soon changed my mind on that one.

    The larger cheaper bungalow with the big garden is in a cul de sac, the bus route into the city centre just around the corner in the next street so not too bad.

    Actually, when I say "away from civilisation" it's not the back of beyond - just a suburb of the city. A bit sprawling but now that they have released so much green belt my city and its satellite villages are all joinjng up to form one vast conurbation anyway.

    Theres no such thing as splendid isolation until you get at least 10 miles out - most villages are less than half a mile from one of the main arterial roads into the city.

    The nearest parade of shops, which includes a chemist, is about a good 10 minute walk, all on the level, no hills so if push came to shove, then although I have joked about it, a mobility scooter would fit the bill if I couldn't drive.

    I would imagine a taxi into the city centre, or railway station, main hospital would be around £10.

    The Big plus about the second larger property is is that it's completely wheelchair friendly.

    As a carer for my wheelchair bound husband........he had one of those large tilt in space chairs because he couldnt sit unsupported, and then my mum and her Zimmer frame, I learned lot about the needs of wheelchair users and those with limited mobility.

    Easy flat access, wide corridors with no tight corners, large rooms, wide doorways etc, tarmacced or block paved drives and footpaths. Wheelchairs and gravel don't mix......

    There's always a compromise isn't there, no house is ever perfect. You just have to weigh up the pros and cons.

    The smaller, more expensive house, is in a slightly nicer location, but tbh there is not a lot in it. Neither are exactly crime infested ghettos. Lol. However, the driveway is tight.......I would need to spend money on creating a turning circle, the house itself needs about £20k spending on it, and there is the upkeep of the private road to consider. (It has not been adopted by the council). Again bus stop in the next road, £10 taxi rides but there is a local co op and a chemist within an easy 5 minute walk.

    Swings and roundabouts spring to mind.......

    Anyway DS2 will take a look tomorrow. He's even more picky than I am so he will be quick to pounce on any negatives.

    There was a third bungalow that took my fancy, quiet city centre location but realistically too expensive because again it needs a lot of TLC and wads of cash.

    Hey ho.....it will all come out right in the end.
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    Oh well that sounds OK. I thought it was in the back of beyond!!! Our bungalow is in a very similar suburb of our city, except the shops are much closer.

    In taht case, go with your heart x
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 12-06-2017 at 7:15 PM.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 12th Jun 17, 7:47 PM
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    thepurplepixie
    We used to live in a house with a stream at the bottom of the garden. The garden sloped down from the house and we thought there would never be a problem. Well we were wrong there, the stream crossed the road further up the road and it flooded and made its way back to the original course through our garden and the gardens either side. We were at home so blocked the airbricks and doors and the house was saved, our neighbours were at work and their groundfloors were destroyed, everything had to be thrown out. We lost all the plants in our garden and the garage was inches deep in stinking mud. The thought of that through the house is too awful to contemplate. Our stream was a small gentle affair, we honestly thought it would never do any damage. We weren't in an area considered a flood risk. We sold up a couple of years later, we got paranoid about rain and if it would happen again.

    If you buy it make sure you have good insurance.
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 12th Jun 17, 7:50 PM
    • 453 Posts
    • 1,485 Thanks
    dorothy52
    Sounds perfect to me. Very similar to my bungalow in terms of location (but without the stream) lol. Would be a perfect retirement home but far too big, needs a family in it again. 8 years to SRA for me, if I can stand it that long, then time to think about downsizing, I will be on here asking your advice, oh lovely wise virtual friends.
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 12th Jun 17, 7:56 PM
    • 453 Posts
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    dorothy52
    We used to live in a house with a stream at the bottom of the garden. The garden sloped down from the house and we thought there would never be a problem. Well we were wrong there, the stream crossed the road further up the road and it flooded and made its way back to the original course through our garden and the gardens either side. We were at home so blocked the airbricks and doors and the house was saved, our neighbours were at work and their groundfloors were destroyed, everything had to be thrown out. We lost all the plants in our garden and the garage was inches deep in stinking mud. The thought of that through the house is too awful to contemplate. Our stream was a small gentle affair, we honestly thought it would never do any damage. We weren't in an area considered a flood risk. We sold up a couple of years later, we got paranoid about rain and if it would happen again.

    If you buy it make sure you have good insurance.
    Originally posted by thepurplepixie
    Blimey that must have been awful! Such a balanced mix of views. Love this thread
    • irishjohn
    • By irishjohn 12th Jun 17, 8:02 PM
    • 1,246 Posts
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    irishjohn
    When DS2 goes looking with you at both - just remind him that the bigger cheaper potentially flood prone once in a hundred years house will allow you to be able to afford to make it exquisite - a dream home to come back to from your dream holidays whereas t'other one will be the place which bleeds you dry and becomes your prison as you will have no travel budget.

    Other than that I don't feel able to offer an opinion!!
    John
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 12th Jun 17, 8:27 PM
    • 577 Posts
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    thepurplepixie
    Blimey that must have been awful! Such a balanced mix of views. Love this thread
    Originally posted by dorothy52
    It was awful for the neighbours, it happened so fast we just didn't have time to find anything to block their air bricks. I had two under 3s at the time and the two and a half year old was looking after the one year old while I was madly trying to defend the homestead. The mud was unbelievable, it took months to get rid of it all and the garden was wrecked. Never again.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Jun 17, 12:26 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Well PP.. a salutary warning there. I shall have to think long and hard. See if I can find out more about the stream, where it runs etc. At the moment it just looks like a muddy ditch but as you say several weeks of rain could make it look rather different.

    The shortlisted properties are both on the south side of the city where the the ground is flatter and a bit more prone to occasional flooding. The north side is very hilly and has a higher risk of being snowed in.

    You pays your money and takes your choice.
    .
    Irish John.. well that's certainly an interesting take on things and one that I have actually given some thought to. I really fancied the third bungalow - the one in the perfect city location., but ruled it out for exactly the reasons you mention. It would be an expensive prison and I would be scraping every last penny on materials to renovate it.

    The very first house I ever bought absolutely cleaned me out, it was a wreck and it took every last penny and then some, saving up for every bag of plaster or tin of paint. I was skint for 3 years, I even had to sell my car. It did, however turn out to be one of my best financial investments because by the time I had finished doing it up it had more than doubled in value in 3 years.

    But .....it was a hard slog and I'm not sure I could face doing it again. I was in my 20s at the time, with bags of energy and didn't mind roughing it but I don't think I would want to make those kind of sacrifices again.

    I could be dead in 3 years......

    I don't really want to plough every last penny into bricks and mortar again. I am happy to live simply but I don't want to be forced to scrimp and do without.

    I have Had a lovely evening. My lifelong friend is currently back home in the UK for a few weeks. She now lives with her daughters in Los Angeles. Anyway we had dinner together and a lovely long natter.

    Turns out her aunty lives opposite bungalow number one, the smaller more expensive one. Small world. Anyway she gave me the lowdown on the vendors. Very interesting. I can't go into a lot of detail on a public site but let's just say the lady of the house gets a lot of male visitors - allegedly.

    Anyway We talked about our lives, how things had panned out, how life twists and turns, how we have to learn to bend with the wind and take whatever comes our way with courage, grace and charm. I think she had great courage to move to LA when she was 64, she has loved it but misses home and her friends and says she thinks she will return home in a couple of years. She is 68, very fit and healthy but her health care insurance has just risen by 300 dollars a month., taking it to over 700.

    Makes you think......

    Dorothy. One of the problems I have encountered with downsizing, is that, even with my seroius decluttering is that I have found that a lot of bungalows seem very small and pokey. Especially the kitchens.

    My friends mum bought a small bungalow and thought it was perfect.....until she smashed her leg and was confined to a wheelchair for several months. It was hopeless.

    Luckily My friends husband is a builder, so she moved out whilst he ripped the place apart to make it wheelchair friendly. As I said earlier a larger bungalow with good access would generally make it easier for people to use mobility aids, wheelchairs, lifting equipment etc.

    All things we have to think about.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 13-06-2017 at 1:32 AM.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 13th Jun 17, 8:28 AM
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    pollypenny
    Difficult choice, LL.

    Ironically, we have a big bungalow, almost by accident. When we wanted to move to this town for the school we found, to,our amazement, that it was quite small although it served a biggish area as a market town.

    We had a choice of three properties reallistically and were about to put an an offer for a house when the owner told us how much the oil heating cost!

    We bought the large bungalow, three double beds, big hall and big kitchen, which needed lots of work. By good it was a struggle for quite a few years.

    Now, it's our forever home - lovely garden overlooking the town centre, in walking distance of everything we might need when we can no longer drive. Roll down the hill and catch the bus back up the parallel road.

    It would be hard to sell though. Too big for most retired people wanting to downsize. But lots more house have been built in the subsequent years and families would prefer houses, I think.

    I never use the word 'bungalow', sounds old and pokey!
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Jun 17, 9:26 AM
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    lessonlearned
    You are right, It is a difficult choice, and I'm floundering........maybe I'm overthinking things, trying to plan too far ahead. It's times like this when I miss my husbands sage counsel.

    Polly. Your bungalow, sorry single storey dwelling, sounds perfect. As for being "too large" well as we get older and the kids fly the nest then those extra bedrooms can be used as hobby/guest rooms.

    My in laws did this. they gave themselves a hobby room each. It worked well and kept all the craft and hobby paraphernalia out of sight, leaving their living areas uncluttered and tidy.

    Anyway two second viewings today. I'm not going to panic, I can live here as long as I like. There is really no rush. No one is putting any pressure on me, I'm the one doing that.

    DS2 has semi moved out and is spending roughly half the week staying with his girlfriend......once I've moved out he will sell this house and then they will sell hers and then they will buy together.

    The current arrangement of him dividing his week between the two houses is something of a trial run to see if they are ready to "plight their troth"

    Actually I would be quite happy to buy this house and remain here fior another couple of years. I'm mulling it over. It's a lovely (not so little) victorian townhouse which we have renovated. It's in an up and coming area which is being gentrified as we speak, a £4 taxi ride into the city, shops, buses all on tap.

    The only real drawback is the scarily steep staircase. I can manage fine now but it's definitely not a forever house.

    I see the knee surgeon on Wednesday, it doesn't feel too bad at the moment but until I have had a scan we don't really know what we are dealing with.

    If all goes well with my knee I could stay here a bit longer. Another year or so would be nothing in the grand scheme of things and buying the house off my son would set him free to move forward and get settled with his girl. I know she Would like that too.

    So many decisions.......too many choices muddying the water.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 13-06-2017 at 9:29 AM.
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 13th Jun 17, 12:18 PM
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    thepurplepixie
    One thing to look at is the original course of the stream. What happened with ours is that it had been slightly diverted decades ago for road and house building. Heavy rain made a gentle little stream alot bigger and then a sudden downpour of heavy rain and the stream decided to return to its original course. Nature is amazing at times isn't it. Anyway three houses were in it's way, ours and the one either side, as I said we were lucky as I was at home and blocked the air bricks and opened a large side gate and the water rushed through there, I'm not joking when I say I had trouble keeping upright and don't want to think what would have happened if I fell. I think it saved our house and reduced the damage to the other two. The elderly lady in one house was devestated, I think she was in her late 70s. What a site when she got home.

    Locally a man I knew died when a stream flooded, he slipped and fell in and was drowned. If you saw the little stream you wouldn't believe a 6ft tall healthy man could die like that.

    As you can tell I don't want to risk living by running water, we are all influenced by our own experiences.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 13th Jun 17, 1:46 PM
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    pollypenny
    LL, we fill the blooming place! Can't believe we brought up two teenagers here, with all their paraphernalia!

    And we have an enormous loft, also full. OH is a prize hoarder, always thinking that obsolete technology will become the antiques of the futures.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • elona
    • By elona 13th Jun 17, 5:14 PM
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    elona
    LL

    This place had a pokey kitchen and I knocked the kitchen and dining room into one making a modern kitchen with a breakfast bar.

    Our stairs are not that steep but I still feel I need to be careful using them, more so if I had knee trouble.

    Usually there is only me and a couple of dds so the breakfast bar is big enough. When the rest of the family are over I use the dining table and chairs in the conservatory.

    Finally got round to tidying my bedroom which had become a dumping ground and it is taking ages. Decided to replace the Henry hoover bag and realised the plaster and plaster dust had clogged the filter so have chucked it out and ordered another one as well as a couple of new bamboo and cotton bath towels in a pretty blue. Middle dd squealed with delight when she found the other ones in the linen cupboard as they are so soft. Found them for a third of rrp so pleased with the price.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 13th Jun 17, 5:19 PM
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    moneyistooshorttomention
    LL - my two pennorth re house choices.

    If the chance is available to make current home yours - then you do like it and I'm wondering what the possibilities are of (if t'worst comes to the worst) putting in a stairlift to get up those stairs.

    All the more so - as you don't seem to be envisaging wherever you live as the "final abode".

    I know I'm watching a friend ITRW that recently bought a bungalow and it was one with various compromises too (as we usually have to have when buying somewhere). So she started work on it and spending for said work - and then has made the comment to me that she might move again subsequently. Cue for astonishment on my part.

    Reason being - I'm spending one heck of a lot of time/money/etc on current house (a detached bungalow) and it's being done precisely because I'm thinking "Well - this is it then for rest of my life (bar a stroke of unexpected good luck") and hence I'm doing exactly what I please to it - on the basis it will be worth my while.

    Each to their own - but personally I'd be giving rather more thought to buying out your son and staying exactly where you are in your position (possible stairlift if need be allowing).

    This is one thing I notice re bungalows - there are bungalows and bungalows and some bungalows are, quite obviously, meant as "OAP bungalows" and that tends to mean small. It's almost as if society thinks we should all give up Having A Life (ie hobbies and interests that we need space for) once we get to A Certain Age.

    Well - they can think on imo - as I know I, for one, have been waiting years for space for said hobbies/interests and I just wasn't even going to contemplate a smaller bungalow.

    Just a few thoughts to chuck into the mix.

    BTW - how is your furry companion now? (ie the cat).
    If there's "4 tendencies" type of people (Gretchen Rubin) = yep....Questioner type here
    - Meets an expectation only if they believe it's justified and resists anything arbitrary or ineffective
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 13th Jun 17, 5:50 PM
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    dorothy52
    LL.....plight their troth.....what a wonderful traditional term, I still say this, and courting, and frocks, much to the amusement of my much younger colleagues lol. Blimey it's all happening now, isn't it, love? Great views and advice from your friends on here, as expected. Do you meditate? Just thinking if you calm your thoughts, relax and go into trance your subconscious could well guide you. Something else my young friends roll their eyes at, but in times of indecision it is something I often do, listen to my inner self. I am so happy that things are moving forward for you, you have had a rubbish few years and thoroughly deserve the joyful and peaceful future that awaits
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Jun 17, 7:05 PM
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    lessonlearned
    This lady IS for turning.
    Lots of helpful advice as always.

    Well I'll put you out of your misery and tell you my decision.

    Cancelled viewing on small bungalow because although it's a good location the house itself isn't really big enough and given the state it's in it's just not good value.

    Saw the big bungalow with DS2 and he agreed it's by far the best we have seen. It ticks all the boxes. ........And yet.......

    So. Plan B.

    We are going for Money's suggestion.

    I am going to buy DS2s house. It really does make perfect sense. He can move forward and I can stay here another year or so whilst I think about what I really want. At the moment I feel I would be moving for the sake of it, I'm just not really committed to the idea.

    And, although I love renovating old wrecks, I think I need to renovate myself first. Lol.

    It sounds an odd thing to say but I don't really care where I live at the moment. Without my husband to share there's just not the excitement one would normally feel at moving.

    So for now I'll remain here, make the most of summer, finish off a few outstanding jobs, have a nice Christmas, take my extended holiday. Then it will be spring and I'll take it from there.

    Anyway once again thanks for all the helpful tips, advice, suggestions. Your input has really helped me clarify my thoughts and reach a decision.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Jun 17, 7:14 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Just off to sit in the garden and meditate....

    It's a glorious evening, perfect for just sitting outside and "being in the moment". Lol.

    I'm just an old hippie at heart. And yes I wear "frocks" never dresses.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 13-06-2017 at 7:16 PM.
    • elona
    • By elona 13th Jun 17, 8:15 PM
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    elona
    LL

    In a sense I don't care where I live either, but DH made DDs promise to get me settled and safe so I have somewhere I can feel safe and contented but that still has space for family to come round.

    I can see why buying out your son is a good idea and gives you time and space to narrow down what will be right for you. Sometimes you need to move sideways in order to progress.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • dorothy52
    • By dorothy52 13th Jun 17, 8:39 PM
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    dorothy52
    Oh I am so glad you have reached a decision, makes perfect sense. Clearly you have been and are happy there, and you can reap the rewards of the hard work you and DS have put in. He too must be relieved that the sale will be quick and simple, and he and lovely GF can crack on with their troth plighting lol
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