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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 154
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 13th Apr 17, 5:08 PM
    • 616 Posts
    • 1,228 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    Not vain at all, very understandable, but often it is not nearly as bad as we fear. Worst case scenario is you may have to wear a slighly heavier make up for a while until the scars fade, as they will, over time. There is some supberb make up out there for this type of thing.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Apr 17, 5:52 PM
    • 9,483 Posts
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    lessonlearned
    Mumps...... try not to worry. The surgeons can work wonders now.

    I have had skin cancer on my face. 2006. On the middle of my cheek.

    The scars have healed beautifully, no one has ever noticed them.

    It will take time for the redness to fade - mine took about a year to disappear but I promise you they are now virtually invisible. It was "liveable" after about a month when it could easily be covered by make up.

    You should be left with the faintest of fine white lines, easily covered by foundation but I tend not to bother, just a bit of blusher in the winter when I'm pale.

    My surgeon recommended bio oil. Once the stitches are out and you can bear to touch it, then gently massage bio oil three times a day.

    It will help the wound to knit smoothly and the skin to lie flat, reducing the risk of puckering and helping the redness to fade more quickly.

    Don't be tempted to buy the generic or cheaper copy cat oils, it has to be the real thing.

    You might find the scar stings a bit in cold weather but at least you have the summer coming for it to heal. I still get the odd twinge even now but it's nothing to worry about.

    And of course, NO MORE SUNBATHING without protection.

    Always wear sunscreen, at least SPF 15 even in winter. In summer I use a Total sunblock on the scar. If The sun is really fierce I wear a large brimmed sun hat. In fact I tend to wear hats far more often than I used to. I have fun with them.

    Hope all goes well. Please feel free to ask me any questions.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 13th Apr 17, 6:12 PM
    • 6,092 Posts
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    mumps
    Not vain at all, very understandable, but often it is not nearly as bad as we fear. Worst case scenario is you may have to wear a slighly heavier make up for a while until the scars fade, as they will, over time. There is some supberb make up out there for this type of thing.
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    I don't wear make up, well rarely. I am a typical red head with fair skin and freckles. I don't like the sun and always protect myself, I get terrible cold sores and strong sunlight triggers them so it isn't sun damage. I'm not normally a person who worries about looks, I think it is because of the person I knew with skin cancer who had such terrible scars. Anyway I will cope with that, I know that isn't what I should be worrying about. I have prepared some salad and have some nice steaks and jacket potatoes so an easy meal but tasty.

    I survived bowel ops last year and I think that was probably worse, at least I don't need a colonoscopy this time.
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    • mumps
    • By mumps 18th Apr 17, 11:29 AM
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    mumps
    Saw doctor this morning, asked to go in at 8.30 as he could see me before clinic started. Nothing definite at the moment but not as positive as GP hoped. Apparently there are several type of skin cancer and GP was hoping it was less aggressive type but doctor I saw today was 50/50. Well that was how I read it. Just wish it was sorted.
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    • L-J-R
    • By L-J-R 18th Apr 17, 12:16 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 41 Thanks
    L-J-R
    Dear Mumps
    I'm a frequent lurker on this thread - and usually hope that my positive, but unposted vibes make their way to those who post. I have no advice or words of wisdom to offer, but want you to know you're in my thoughts.
    Take care
    Judy
    • mumps
    • By mumps 18th Apr 17, 3:39 PM
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    mumps
    Thank you LJR, I am trying to be positive and I'm sure your vibes are helping.
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    • ancientofdays
    • By ancientofdays 19th Apr 17, 7:18 AM
    • 999 Posts
    • 10,747 Thanks
    ancientofdays
    Mumps, I read too, from time to time, though my O.H is still with me.

    Sending more positive vibes, this must be such a scary time.
    I was jumping to conclusions and one of them jumped back
    • elona
    • By elona 19th Apr 17, 10:12 AM
    • 10,889 Posts
    • 56,314 Thanks
    elona
    mumps

    I just got back from holiday and saw your news. Even if it is not a less aggressive type there is a really good chance that it has been caught in time. Hope you get more information soon and have a plan put in place.

    Hoping you only have a faint scar that can be camoflaged with make up and that fades.

    A few days in good weather with the family has done me good and perked me up. DDs are worried that I am slow to keep up with them and nagging me to see a doctor again but I would much rather try to lose some weight, eat healthier and try to increase the distance I walk gradually. I would feel silly to go to a gp just because my knees are stiff and sore sometimes and I can't hurry.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 19th Apr 17, 11:51 AM
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    • 12,719 Thanks
    mumps
    Thanks for the positive vibes, they are working and I am feeling much better today. I think I felt down yesterday as the family had been visiting for Easter and the house seemed so empty. Pulled myself together today and am going to have an early lunch and then go out to nearest city to do a bit of browsing and may stop somewhere nice on the way back for a cream tea, I am telling myself the calories will be good for me but I don't quite believe myself. I'll still enjoy the scones, jam and cream.

    Elona I am a slow walker and always have been. Maybe you are the same? If not then losing a bit of weight is probably going to do you good, knees take alot of punishment.
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    • elona
    • By elona 20th Apr 17, 10:12 AM
    • 10,889 Posts
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    elona
    mumps

    Have you had any more news yet? Fingers and toes crossed for you.

    Now I am back home I have looked out the supplements for joints, vitamin D3 and turmeric capsules and have started to take them again as they did help with pain and stiffness. A set of bathroom scales is on the way and I am going to start wearing a pedometer and try to increase my steps as well as try to eat healthier.

    Hugs to all.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 20th Apr 17, 10:43 AM
    • 10,227 Posts
    • 16,981 Thanks
    margaretclare
    Thanks for the positive vibes, they are working and I am feeling much better today. I think I felt down yesterday as the family had been visiting for Easter and the house seemed so empty. Pulled myself together today and am going to have an early lunch and then go out to nearest city to do a bit of browsing and may stop somewhere nice on the way back for a cream tea, I am telling myself the calories will be good for me but I don't quite believe myself. I'll still enjoy the scones, jam and cream.

    Elona I am a slow walker and always have been. Maybe you are the same? If not then losing a bit of weight is probably going to do you good, knees take alot of punishment.
    Originally posted by mumps
    Mumps, I haven't said, but I'm really sorry about your news and I do hope you get some better information soon. I will pray for you. Church on Sunday was absolutely jam-packed and there had already been a 'dawn' service (Mary going to the tomb and finding it empty) so, what you hear about people not going to church any more isn't necessarily true.

    DH is still improving, leg muscles getting stronger. District nurse still visits 2 x week but soon won't need to, because the leg wound/s are healing up visibly every time they're re-dressed.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 20th Apr 17, 8:23 PM
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    • 12,719 Thanks
    mumps
    Not had any more information yet. I am experimenting with make up, bought a concealer pen so I am going to be armed and ready!

    Hope they work for you Elona and glad to hear your good news Margaretclare.
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    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 21st Apr 17, 4:20 PM
    • 4,475 Posts
    • 10,305 Thanks
    itsanne
    Just seen your news, mumps. I hope all goes well and you don't have to wait much longer to be seen to. Two other suggestions re scarring are lavender oil and Palmers Scar Serum. OH used lavender oil after his knee replacement once the would had started to heal over. It kept the skin supple and the scar healed surprisingly quickly. Son had a bad burn on his abdomen as a teenager, bad enough that grafting was considered and I fully expected that he would be left with permanent scarring. Once it had begun to heal I plastered him with the scar serum - there's not a mark to be seen now. Obviously in both cases the result may have been a coincidence, but I'd certainly try them again if the need arose. (The reason for the lavender oil rather than scar serum fo OH was that it could be used sooner.)


    I'm glad things are going well after your husband's op, margaretclare.


    Elona, how are you now after your lung problems?
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • elona
    • By elona 21st Apr 17, 8:09 PM
    • 10,889 Posts
    • 56,314 Thanks
    elona
    Itsanne

    I am waiting to have a review in June and hoping the plane trips this week have not set off a repeat. Scared that I am still getting easily out of breath but probably just anxiety.

    DD and SIL have come over for a bite to eat tonight and am planning a meal on Sunday for lunch for four of us, maybe a beef and ale pie with lots of veg on the side as I have a good low calorie recipe they love.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 21st Apr 17, 10:50 PM
    • 6,092 Posts
    • 12,719 Thanks
    mumps
    Just seen your news, mumps. I hope all goes well and you don't have to wait much longer to be seen to. Two other suggestions re scarring are lavender oil and Palmers Scar Serum. OH used lavender oil after his knee replacement once the would had started to heal over. It kept the skin supple and the scar healed surprisingly quickly. Son had a bad burn on his abdomen as a teenager, bad enough that grafting was considered and I fully expected that he would be left with permanent scarring. Once it had begun to heal I plastered him with the scar serum - there's not a mark to be seen now. Obviously in both cases the result may have been a coincidence, but I'd certainly try them again if the need arose. (The reason for the lavender oil rather than scar serum fo OH was that it could be used sooner.)


    I'm glad things are going well after your husband's op, margaretclare.


    Elona, how are you now after your lung problems?
    Originally posted by itsanne
    Thank you for that, I love the smell of lavender so I will definitely get some of that. I've never heard of scar serum, I will have a look at that as well.
    Sell 1500

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    • JuneBow
    • By JuneBow 22nd Apr 17, 10:34 AM
    • 235 Posts
    • 195 Thanks
    JuneBow
    Mumps, I am really sorry to hear your news. A friend of mine had some skin cancer removed from her face, and the scar is barely visible. She doesn't use much make up at all.
    I know you and LL have not always seen eye to eye, but she has posted a very useful and supportive comment to you, and has invited you to ask questions.
    I know you said that you had blocked her, and you may not have seen it, but given the hand of friendship that has been offered, it seems churlish not to accept it, or acknowledge it.
    Once again, sorry for your troubles.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 22nd Apr 17, 12:58 PM
    • 9,483 Posts
    • 53,339 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    One small step
    Well last night I metaphorically climbed Mount Everest.

    I managed to watch the History of Everything. It was released a couple of months after my husbands death and I just couldn't bring myself to watch it.

    As you will all know Stephen Hawkins suffers from Motor Neurone Disease.

    My husband died from Multiple System Atrophy with a Cerebellar Ataxia presentation. MSA-CA. There is also a MSA-MND variant.

    The symptoms, effects and progress of the two conditions are to all intents and purposes identical which is why I was so wary of watching the film.

    Actually I'm glad I eventually plucked up the courage .......It was hard going For me but I feel that I have now finally laid that particular ghost to rest. It had to be done so I could move forward.

    I still have a few metaphorical dragons left to slay.........still can't look at any photos.

    Perhaps one day.

    I have a friend coming to stay for a few days next week which will be nice. Hoping To go to Chatsworth - the Peak District is beautiful in the spring so hoping for a bit of sunshine.

    Elona - glad to hear you enjoyed your holiday. Hope your health check up goes well.

    I have spent a small fortune at the dentists this month. Also had my yearly eye test, luckily no change in my prescription. Blood sugars are behaving and adrenal glands are finally improving. Don't feel quite so drained.

    June.....thanks for the vote of confidence.

    I don't believe I have ever mentioned it on here but I am actually a fully trained and licensed beauty therapist with a special interest in skin health and natural skincare.

    I don't believe in using any chemicals on the skin or invasive treatments such as gel nails etc. I no longer have my business but I do still make lotions and potions for myself, friends and family and am still constantly researching and learning.

    Again if I can offer some consolation...... skin cancers found on the face are not usually melanomas (although of course there is always the. Exception to the rule).

    However, Something like 99 per cent of facial cancers will be either a basal cell carcinoma or a squamous cell carcinoma, neither of which will enter the bloodstream or send spores to other organs and prove fatal. However all skin cancers, even the non malignant ones, do still need to be dealt with because left untreated they will spread and do damage.

    Ok here's a bit of a timely reminder for all of us as summer approaches.

    Melanomas in women are usually found on either the arms or legs. Melanomas in men are usually found on the back or the legs (which is now why builders on commercial sites are no longer allowed to wear shorts or go topless).

    Whether we sunbathe or not we are still at risk of skin cancers because it is the UV rays which do the damage and yes redheads and those with fair skin are especially at risk. However this doesn't let those with darker skins off the hook. I have known those of Caribbean descent fall victim to skin cancer because they thought they would be ok with our "weak" UK sun.

    UV rays can be fierce even on a cloudy day - especially in Cornwall and also near water. May is the most risky month because that is when UV rays are at that their shortest. Autumn sunlight not only feels more gentle - it is also less dangerous because the UV rays are longer.

    Always remember the golden rule and monitir your moles. Learn your ABCDE of Mole watching. If you all look it up and look at the photos that accompany the explanation you will get a better understanding of what to look out for.

    Always remember that The skin is the single largest organ in the human body and should be treated with care and respect. Treat it gently.

    If you remember your school biology lessons you will know all about capillary action - how stuff applied to the surface of the skin can enter the bloodstream and travel to the essential organs. This is why I am wary of the use of nanotechnology in anti aging creams and serums. We just don't know the. Effect of the long term build up of the chemicals used and why I do not advocate using any personal products which contain harmful chemicals. So do check the ingredients of those beauty products. At the very least try to avoid sodium laurel sulphate.

    Ps phew - didn't mean to write an essay or lecture you all......but as I said skin care is my speciality.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 22-04-2017 at 1:10 PM.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 22nd Apr 17, 2:10 PM
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    lessonlearned
    PPS. Never use neat aromatherapy oils directly on to the skin.

    They must be diluted with a carrier oil.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 22-04-2017 at 2:46 PM.
    • Gers
    • By Gers 23rd Apr 17, 11:45 AM
    • 5,347 Posts
    • 30,132 Thanks
    Gers
    This is the final column from 'Widower of the parish'

    https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/22/how-to-survive-the-death-of-a-loved-one
    • mumps
    • By mumps 23rd Apr 17, 1:06 PM
    • 6,092 Posts
    • 12,719 Thanks
    mumps
    Mumps, I am really sorry to hear your news. A friend of mine had some skin cancer removed from her face, and the scar is barely visible. She doesn't use much make up at all.
    I know you and LL have not always seen eye to eye, but she has posted a very useful and supportive comment to you, and has invited you to ask questions.
    I know you said that you had blocked her, and you may not have seen it, but given the hand of friendship that has been offered, it seems churlish not to accept it, or acknowledge it.
    Once again, sorry for your troubles.
    Originally posted by JuneBow
    I am watching it at the moment, they are hoping it isn't a melanoma but it is 50/50. If it suddenly changes I will be rushed up the list otherwise I have a couple of weeks to wait.

    I don't know what LL has posted and I don't want to get into the past problems, suffice to say I have been subject to unpleasant attacks from two people and put both on ignore so I have no idea what they post. To be honest with you I am too fragile at the moment to risk doing anything else. You have to understand that I was feeling fragile due to other reasons at the time of the unpleasantness so I can't just assume it would be different now. If people want to be supportive then that is great but you have to understand that I must protect myself at the moment. If I have got a melanoma then the removal is going to be quite disfiguring due to where it is and of course it is also going to be a risk in terms of spreading. It is very close to my eye which presents a whole other set of risks.

    Sorry if that seems selfish, just at the moment selfish is what I need to be. I am hoping for a result like your friend and as the lesion hasn't significantly changed in the last week I am feeling more hopeful, the doctor is unsure why it changed so suddenly a couple of weeks ago, it might be that a small scratch became infected or something more sinister.
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