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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 152
    • mumps
    • By mumps 18th Mar 17, 2:07 PM
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    mumps
    Margaretclare, so glad it is going well. I know what you mean about the shower, it really does your spirits good to have a shower and it is horrible when you can't. Hope his check up goes well.
    Sell 1500

    2831.00/1500
    • tooties
    • By tooties 20th Mar 17, 4:43 PM
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    tooties
    Hello everyone,

    i'm a bit better than i was thanks i just have so much on my mind just now, and what would have been my wedding anniversary is next week.
    At times everything gets me down not to mention the unfairness of it all. i'm sure you all know what i mean.

    I'm going to cook myself a meal (doesn't happen too often) then im going to eat it by myself then i get to clear it up by myself!!

    Can you tell the isolation and loneliness gets to me? I do hope that i'm not the only one who feels like this.

    Take care everyone and a million thanks to Kittie for starting this thread its got me through some very dark times.

    regards
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 20th Mar 17, 6:29 PM
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    Mrs Money
    Hi Tooties
    I think we all feel as you do regarding the loneliness and isolation. Those anniversary days are hard - can you get out somewhere that day, even if it's to the shops or garden centre? Perhaps treat yourself to some flowers? It may help a little to be out and about rather than sitting at home in my experience.
    I hope it will be a peaceful day for you.
    • iris
    • By iris 20th Mar 17, 7:11 PM
    • 1,061 Posts
    • 3,309 Thanks
    iris
    Hello everyone,

    i'm a bit better than i was thanks i just have so much on my mind just now, and what would have been my wedding anniversary is next week.
    At times everything gets me down not to mention the unfairness of it all. i'm sure you all know what i mean.

    I'm going to cook myself a meal (doesn't happen too often) then im going to eat it by myself then i get to clear it up by myself!!

    Can you tell the isolation and loneliness gets to me? I do hope that i'm not the only one who feels like this.

    Take care everyone and a million thanks to Kittie for starting this thread its got me through some very dark times.

    regards
    Originally posted by tooties

    I know exactly how you feel tooties. I try and get out every day and have joined U3A, which has helped a lot. I have also made a new friend through U3A who is also a widow and we go out together several times a week. I have also joined a keep fit group and line dancing. However, I do find weekends difficult, as everybody is with families and my daughter and grand children live 150 miles away.


    Like you I miss my husband all the time and some days feel I don't want to carry on. Not a day goes by when I don't shed some tears.


    Have you managed to move home yet? I remember you saying you lived in a rural area and wanted to move.


    Perhaps you could look if there is a U3A organisation in your area.


    I am also receiving complimentary therapy, which I am finding helpful. Is this something you would consider?
    • elona
    • By elona 21st Mar 17, 11:21 AM
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    elona
    Older dd has given me a stern talking to about being pro active and making sure I do not miss the review at the hospital because of my address having changed so I made a few phone calls and everything is sorted out. I also plan to re join SW and eat more healthily and try to get myself out every day for a walk.

    I meet a couple of dds in Manchester on Sunday for Mother's day and have reminded them then that the clocks go forward that day so we don't get confused about meeting each other.

    Iris

    I joined U3A as well and have volunteered to do one afternoon a week at the local library. The training finishes this week and I am looking forward to it.

    It sounds really mundane but I ordered a three step folding ladder with a safety rail that should arrive this week so I am safer to do little things like change a bulb or reach a tall cupboard.

    This afternoon should be a walk out to collect a prescription and get me in the fresh air and a browse round films out this week for a trip with a dd later. Found a good deal on perennial plants so will discuss it with garden lady on Friday.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • iris
    • By iris 21st Mar 17, 11:37 AM
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    iris
    Pleased to hear you are getting out and about Elona and that you have joined U3A.


    I am off to my iPad group this afternoon and will also do a bit of shopping in Aldi (not that I need much nowadays). I find cooking for one and eating on my own is depressing, so I eat a lot of omelettes and salad and also home-made soups.


    Our daughter is coming to stay with me for Mothering Sunday and I have booked a table for, hopefully, a nice meal. I am so looking forward to seeing her, as I haven't seen her since Christmas.


    The weather is sunny here, but windy, however my washing has line dried already.


    Hope everyone is ok.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 21st Mar 17, 11:52 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Hi everyone.

    Tooties..........I agree.cooking for one and eating alone is a soul destroying experience, especially when it's day in, day out. When my FIL became a widower he joined a lunch club so that took care of three days a week. Would someing like that interest you.

    In the early days of widowhood I sometimes went out for breakfast or lunch alone but I haven't bothered recently. I am lucky in that because I still live with my son I don't have to eat alone all the time. Obviously when I do move out I will have to.

    I never thought I would say this but I have found that having a pet around the place is a great source of comfort and pets can be good company, always up for a cuddle and a bit of fuss.

    And when you come home they are so pleased to see you. I never considered myself a pet kind of person but I'm definitely converted.

    Like most of you I try to get out and about during the day, I haven't ventured out in the evenings yet. I will look into U3A though and perhaps one of those Meet Up group thingies. Not yet though, I'm not ready.

    I start the gym tomorrow, one thing at a time.

    Today I'm off to ASDA. Life in the fast lane. .......
    • elona
    • By elona 24th Mar 17, 12:26 PM
    • 10,999 Posts
    • 57,381 Thanks
    elona
    It is all go just now as the front borders are being sorted and shrubs cut back some more and I am waiting for my bedroom chair to be delivered sometime between 12 and three.

    I asked the lady gardeners advice about new plants etc and have been browsing some websites. So far have ordered perrenial border cottage garden plants, some free lavender plants, a couple of lovely award winning roses called "blue for you" and five varied well scented roses for the back garden. Saved over 100 on special offers and got free postage so very pleased.

    I start at the library for one afternoon a week in April and have a certificate!!!! (Does that sound like BT and "you got an ology!!!!)

    Middle dd says she is coming round on Sunday and wants to cook me a meal but not sure if she is planning on driving me out to meet youngest in Manchester as a surprise as that has been mentioned some time ago. Older dd was going to meet me in Leeds today for lunch but as I have to wait at home she is coming round to cook us a meal after 1p.m. Have had a quick scurry and clean round the kitchen so I don't look a disgrace and have a line of washing outside.

    I even washed two winter jackets and have them outside to take advantage of the good weather.

    Just found out our local bank is about to be closed down so not too chuffed but sure I will be able to cope as I do a lot online and there is a post office nearby. Looks as if my nearest bank will now be Wetherby which is a twenty minute bus ride away.

    Just the fact that the sun is out makes such a difference to my mood.

    Hugs to all.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • tooties
    • By tooties 24th Mar 17, 4:30 PM
    • 797 Posts
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    tooties
    Hi everyone,

    Sorry if i was a bit morose on my last couple of posts.

    I am still living in my very rural house. i just cannot find anywhere else within budget.

    No offence to anyone but i looked into the U3A and it seems to be for people mainly outside my age group. (i'm 45) same goes for lunch clubs etc.

    i sometimes feel i dont fit in anywhere (even here). i had to go on benefits when my beloved died so i am just about surviving financially but its very tight. Money is a huge influence on what i can do.

    Everyone my age is out at work all day and as i'm disabled i cant even get a job. I would love to be working and earning my own money, getting off benefits is a huge goal.

    Anyhow apart from that i'm doing ok. For the time being i can at least keep up with my patchwork hobby.

    I have the dog which i inherited from my beloved, i get outside everyday throwing the ball for her. She is very good company. For the first few months of my widowhood journey she was my reason for going on. She still is if im honest.

    This thread is also a lifeline for me, thanks everyone for posting.

    Hope everyone is doing ok, take care.

    regards
    • elona
    • By elona 24th Mar 17, 9:22 PM
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    elona
    tooties

    I had not realised how young you are and knew that U3A was also for early retirals etc. Is Cruse an idea or Way up?

    Wish I could think of something that might help in some way but glad you have the dog to get you outside for a while and I hope things get a bit better healthwise.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • iris
    • By iris 25th Mar 17, 8:22 AM
    • 1,061 Posts
    • 3,309 Thanks
    iris
    tooties

    I also had not realised how young you are.


    As Elona says perhaps you could contact Cruse.


    I was referred by the hospital where my husband died for alternative therapy and I have found this very beneficial. I have an hour's session every two weeks (this is not age related but you do have to contact the hospital). Perhaps this is something you could look into.


    What about contacting your doctor's surgery and asking them who you can contact in your area regarding bereavement.


    Look after yourself tooties and keep posting on mse.
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 25th Mar 17, 11:07 AM
    • 10,232 Posts
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    margaretclare
    Margaretclare, so glad it is going well. I know what you mean about the shower, it really does your spirits good to have a shower and it is horrible when you can't. Hope his check up goes well.
    Originally posted by mumps
    Thanks for this. Yes, all is well. It's fine, in fact!

    He went off to Oxford early Thursday morning, our lovely ambulance crew who have taken him every time. They were surprised when he walked out to the ambulance on crutches.

    His consultant met him coming along the corridor and said 'come in, come in'. He (the consultant) is absolutely delighted with DH's progress, the healing has gone well, re-dressing done by the consultant himself. The microbiologist is also pleased - no sign of any further infection but keep on the antibiotics for the full 6 months as planned.

    He got rid of the huge splint at last. What a relief.

    As he has a couple of small waterproof dressings on his leg he's now able to get in the shower, and what a treat that is. The drop-down seat in the shower cubicle is now being used for the first time.

    Yesterday we went out to lunch - the first time since October. We had a nice meal at a local TableTable restaurant and I had a glass of my favourite Pinot Grigio, first for months. He had a pint of Heineken's with dash of lime.

    Well, we've been eating well - a lot of the time have had Oakhouse Foods mini-meals - but nevertheless we're both losing weight. He weighed himself this morning and he's now down to 15 st 3 lbs. That's 4 kg lost since just before surgery.

    Life is getting back to normal. Maybe church tomorrow, together.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 25th Mar 17, 11:22 AM
    • 14,756 Posts
    • 36,688 Thanks
    elsien
    Delurking to ask Tooties if WaY (widowed and young) would be of any use to you as it is for people under 50?

    https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 25th Mar 17, 11:53 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Hi Tooties.

    I too hadn't realised you were so young. I think that probably makes it even harder for you because there are perhaps fewer self help groups and support networks for younger widows.

    What's your GP practice like. Can they point you in the right direction. Or maybe PALS at your local hospital.

    Maybe try some of the suggestions that Elona and Elsien have made or just Google for anything for local friendship groups in your area such as Meet Up.

    Also.....and I appreciate you might not want to go down this route......but are there any support groups linked to your disability/illness that might be of use.

    I have not been too well recently. My adrenal glands are still not functioning properly and now I think I maybe having some thyroid issues......(apparently it's all linked).

    Hey ho.....at least the summer is coming, hopefully the sun will work it's magic and I will start to heal. A beautiful day here today so I fully intend to make the most of it. A walk and then potter round the garden. Need to prune the roses.

    Tonight my boys are wining And dining me and then we're off to see Beauty and the Beast. Should be fun.

    Tomorrow we scatter dads ashes and then I am finally done with all the nasty and sad stuff. The solicitor is dealing with everything else. I have done a Pontious Pilate and washed my hands of it all. My sister can bluster, rant and rave as much as she likes - I am going my own sweet way on this one. The worm has finally turned.

    A new life beckons and I'm ready. No more sadness, time to gird my loins, gather my courage and step out and face the world.

    6 weeks until my holiday. I'm nervous but excited. I have chosen my shore excursions - have decided not to try and navigate strange cities on my own but to just sit back and let the guides do all the work. Costs a bit more but I feel safer that way and, because port calls are only really time limited "pit stops" you probably get to see more on an organised tour than if you go the DIY route.

    As my late husband used to say "why have a dog and bark yourself".

    Hope you are all doing ok. Dont forget the clocks tonight.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 25-03-2017 at 4:07 PM.
    • elona
    • By elona 25th Mar 17, 6:51 PM
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    elona
    LL

    Your holiday sounds wonderful and I hope you have a lovely time and the sunshine does you good. I must remember to turn the clock forward tonight or else dds will be turning up while I still have not got showered and dressed under the happy belief that it is only around ten.

    I did a quick shop and got in a few bits and pieces but was surprised how quiet it was and how few people seemed to be around.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 25th Mar 17, 7:06 PM
    • 6,092 Posts
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    mumps
    Lovely new margaretclare. Shower and a meal out now that is a treat when you have been ill, glad its going so well.

    Tooties it sounds really difficult. Dogs can be great companions, hope you find something.
    Sell 1500

    2831.00/1500
    • judy
    • By judy 26th Mar 17, 10:39 AM
    • 13 Posts
    • 12 Thanks
    judy
    Hello I'm not a widow but have friends who are and several of them have developed quite a good social life through joining a group called the Jolly Dollies - it may suit some of you. https://thejollydollies.com/AboutUs
    • tooties
    • By tooties 30th Mar 17, 5:17 PM
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    tooties
    Hello everyone,

    Thanks to everyone of you for replying to my posts. The last 4 weeks has been awful for me, it was the build up to my wedding anniversary.
    The day itself was ok, i survived and came through it. ii am hopeful that it won't be so bad next year.

    So its time to give myself a shake and restart getting on with it again. i know i will learn to live with this one day, we all will, we just have to cope with all the bumps in the road as they come up.
    This is not an easy journey we are travelling but my beloved would hate to see me so upset like that. So, i'm NOT going back to the "take it a day at a time" approach as i take it a heartbeat at a time. It seemed to suit be before this past month. Hopefully the road will be a little smoother for a while.

    Take care everyone and try not to fall over the bumps.

    Thanks again everyone

    Tooties
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 30th Mar 17, 8:59 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Hi Tooties......good to hear from you. Glad you managed to cross the hurdle of your wedding anniversary. It is hard but as you say we just have to keep going. We have no real option, the alternative is to give up on life and await our own deaths.

    I don't think our departed loved ones would want us to give up. I feel sure they want us to be happy and to build a good life.

    In a funny way I Feel that because my husband died so young I have a moral obligation to live a good life for him as well as for myself. I feel I have to live for both of us, to make the Most of the time I have left and to be there for our children.

    The other night I watched the documentary about Rio Ferdinand, the England Footballer who lost his wife over 2 years ago. It was very interesting and very moving. As i watched I realised he was talking about me too. Like Rio I was just too busy to grieve properly. He had his children to care for, I had my parents illnesses and subsequent deaths.

    Since dads death I have been hit really hard - three deaths in two years and it has really affected my health. My adrenals are severely compromised, and now I'm showing signs of thyroid issues, as well as fibromyalgia and a Recent flare up of IBS and GERD. These things are all interconnected so I am now making it my mission to heal myself and get well.

    That will be my next project........

    I am walking each day, trying to do some yoga, just starting regular swimming, getting more sleep and rest, being very careful with my diet, taking supplements and just generally taking much better care of myself.

    It all sounds a bit grim and it is hard work, especially exercising through the pain, but I am getting there, slowly but surely. My energy levels are awful but at least my blood sugar levels are now stable and my IBS and GERD have settled again.

    My DIL took a photo of me. I truly looked dreadful so I decided it was time to take myself in hand.

    I Have hardly any eyelashes left, my eyebrows are very sparse, no body hair, nails turning white and opaque, my hair is snowy white, my face is pale and strained.

    so ......time for drastic action.

    I bought myself new make up, have started painting my nails more regularly to hide them, have had a sharp new hair cut and am giving myself regular facials and manicures. I have blitzed my wardrobe - got rid of all the dark boring colours and treated myself to some new tops and lightweight knitwear in soft pastel colours, silver greys, blues and turquoises to suit my new colouring.

    And every chance I get then I am out there in the sunshine and fresh air.

    Still not joined any groups yet but I am not bothered yet. My health regime, reading, gardening, DIY, socialising with my family and a couple of close girlfriends is plenty for now.

    I have a friend coming to stay for a few days in a couple of weeks and then a couple of weeks after that I shall be going on holiday.

    I just bumble along.
    • Newly retired
    • By Newly retired 31st Mar 17, 8:49 AM
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    Newly retired
    LL, glad to read of your new smart looks. Your years of caring must have taken their toll on your health.
    You remind me about my neighbour who was suddenly widowed last autumn. She seems very active, out and about in her car, often having visitors, and yesterday we smiled and said hello whilst bringing in the bins. She has a new hairstyle, wore striking makeup, looked really smart.
    Another widow in my choir has just been to Crufts, another has just downsized and re_establishing herself. At church I don't know where we'd be without the many active widows and widowers, lovely people.
    I know everyone's way of grieving is different, but they are all agreed that keeping busy and involved is their key.
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