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    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    • 11,581Posts
    • 66,897Thanks
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 152
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 21st Mar 17, 11:52 AM
    • 10,334 Posts
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    Hi everyone.

    Tooties..........I for one and eating alone is a soul destroying experience, especially when it's day in, day out. When my FIL became a widower he joined a lunch club so that took care of three days a week. Would someing like that interest you.

    In the early days of widowhood I sometimes went out for breakfast or lunch alone but I haven't bothered recently. I am lucky in that because I still live with my son I don't have to eat alone all the time. Obviously when I do move out I will have to.

    I never thought I would say this but I have found that having a pet around the place is a great source of comfort and pets can be good company, always up for a cuddle and a bit of fuss.

    And when you come home they are so pleased to see you. I never considered myself a pet kind of person but I'm definitely converted.

    Like most of you I try to get out and about during the day, I haven't ventured out in the evenings yet. I will look into U3A though and perhaps one of those Meet Up group thingies. Not yet though, I'm not ready.

    I start the gym tomorrow, one thing at a time.

    Today I'm off to ASDA. Life in the fast lane. .......
    • elona
    • By elona 24th Mar 17, 12:26 PM
    • 11,386 Posts
    • 61,631 Thanks
    It is all go just now as the front borders are being sorted and shrubs cut back some more and I am waiting for my bedroom chair to be delivered sometime between 12 and three.

    I asked the lady gardeners advice about new plants etc and have been browsing some websites. So far have ordered perrenial border cottage garden plants, some free lavender plants, a couple of lovely award winning roses called "blue for you" and five varied well scented roses for the back garden. Saved over 100 on special offers and got free postage so very pleased.

    I start at the library for one afternoon a week in April and have a certificate!!!! (Does that sound like BT and "you got an ology!!!!)

    Middle dd says she is coming round on Sunday and wants to cook me a meal but not sure if she is planning on driving me out to meet youngest in Manchester as a surprise as that has been mentioned some time ago. Older dd was going to meet me in Leeds today for lunch but as I have to wait at home she is coming round to cook us a meal after 1p.m. Have had a quick scurry and clean round the kitchen so I don't look a disgrace and have a line of washing outside.

    I even washed two winter jackets and have them outside to take advantage of the good weather.

    Just found out our local bank is about to be closed down so not too chuffed but sure I will be able to cope as I do a lot online and there is a post office nearby. Looks as if my nearest bank will now be Wetherby which is a twenty minute bus ride away.

    Just the fact that the sun is out makes such a difference to my mood.

    Hugs to all.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • tooties
    • By tooties 24th Mar 17, 4:30 PM
    • 797 Posts
    • 7,472 Thanks
    Hi everyone,

    Sorry if i was a bit morose on my last couple of posts.

    I am still living in my very rural house. i just cannot find anywhere else within budget.

    No offence to anyone but i looked into the U3A and it seems to be for people mainly outside my age group. (i'm 45) same goes for lunch clubs etc.

    i sometimes feel i dont fit in anywhere (even here). i had to go on benefits when my beloved died so i am just about surviving financially but its very tight. Money is a huge influence on what i can do.

    Everyone my age is out at work all day and as i'm disabled i cant even get a job. I would love to be working and earning my own money, getting off benefits is a huge goal.

    Anyhow apart from that i'm doing ok. For the time being i can at least keep up with my patchwork hobby.

    I have the dog which i inherited from my beloved, i get outside everyday throwing the ball for her. She is very good company. For the first few months of my widowhood journey she was my reason for going on. She still is if im honest.

    This thread is also a lifeline for me, thanks everyone for posting.

    Hope everyone is doing ok, take care.

    • elona
    • By elona 24th Mar 17, 9:22 PM
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    • 61,631 Thanks

    I had not realised how young you are and knew that U3A was also for early retirals etc. Is Cruse an idea or Way up?

    Wish I could think of something that might help in some way but glad you have the dog to get you outside for a while and I hope things get a bit better healthwise.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • iris
    • By iris 25th Mar 17, 8:22 AM
    • 1,087 Posts
    • 3,364 Thanks

    I also had not realised how young you are.

    As Elona says perhaps you could contact Cruse.

    I was referred by the hospital where my husband died for alternative therapy and I have found this very beneficial. I have an hour's session every two weeks (this is not age related but you do have to contact the hospital). Perhaps this is something you could look into.

    What about contacting your doctor's surgery and asking them who you can contact in your area regarding bereavement.

    Look after yourself tooties and keep posting on mse.
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 25th Mar 17, 11:07 AM
    • 10,264 Posts
    • 17,057 Thanks
    Margaretclare, so glad it is going well. I know what you mean about the shower, it really does your spirits good to have a shower and it is horrible when you can't. Hope his check up goes well.
    Originally posted by mumps
    Thanks for this. Yes, all is well. It's fine, in fact!

    He went off to Oxford early Thursday morning, our lovely ambulance crew who have taken him every time. They were surprised when he walked out to the ambulance on crutches.

    His consultant met him coming along the corridor and said 'come in, come in'. He (the consultant) is absolutely delighted with DH's progress, the healing has gone well, re-dressing done by the consultant himself. The microbiologist is also pleased - no sign of any further infection but keep on the antibiotics for the full 6 months as planned.

    He got rid of the huge splint at last. What a relief.

    As he has a couple of small waterproof dressings on his leg he's now able to get in the shower, and what a treat that is. The drop-down seat in the shower cubicle is now being used for the first time.

    Yesterday we went out to lunch - the first time since October. We had a nice meal at a local TableTable restaurant and I had a glass of my favourite Pinot Grigio, first for months. He had a pint of Heineken's with dash of lime.

    Well, we've been eating well - a lot of the time have had Oakhouse Foods mini-meals - but nevertheless we're both losing weight. He weighed himself this morning and he's now down to 15 st 3 lbs. That's 4 kg lost since just before surgery.

    Life is getting back to normal. Maybe church tomorrow, together.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 25th Mar 17, 11:22 AM
    • 15,620 Posts
    • 39,407 Thanks
    Delurking to ask Tooties if WaY (widowed and young) would be of any use to you as it is for people under 50?
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 25th Mar 17, 11:53 AM
    • 10,334 Posts
    • 58,982 Thanks
    Hi Tooties.

    I too hadn't realised you were so young. I think that probably makes it even harder for you because there are perhaps fewer self help groups and support networks for younger widows.

    What's your GP practice like. Can they point you in the right direction. Or maybe PALS at your local hospital.

    Maybe try some of the suggestions that Elona and Elsien have made or just Google for anything for local friendship groups in your area such as Meet Up.

    Also.....and I appreciate you might not want to go down this route......but are there any support groups linked to your disability/illness that might be of use.

    I have not been too well recently. My adrenal glands are still not functioning properly and now I think I maybe having some thyroid issues......(apparently it's all linked).

    Hey least the summer is coming, hopefully the sun will work it's magic and I will start to heal. A beautiful day here today so I fully intend to make the most of it. A walk and then potter round the garden. Need to prune the roses.

    Tonight my boys are wining And dining me and then we're off to see Beauty and the Beast. Should be fun.

    Tomorrow we scatter dads ashes and then I am finally done with all the nasty and sad stuff. The solicitor is dealing with everything else. I have done a Pontious Pilate and washed my hands of it all. My sister can bluster, rant and rave as much as she likes - I am going my own sweet way on this one. The worm has finally turned.

    A new life beckons and I'm ready. No more sadness, time to gird my loins, gather my courage and step out and face the world.

    6 weeks until my holiday. I'm nervous but excited. I have chosen my shore excursions - have decided not to try and navigate strange cities on my own but to just sit back and let the guides do all the work. Costs a bit more but I feel safer that way and, because port calls are only really time limited "pit stops" you probably get to see more on an organised tour than if you go the DIY route.

    As my late husband used to say "why have a dog and bark yourself".

    Hope you are all doing ok. Dont forget the clocks tonight.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 25-03-2017 at 4:07 PM.
    • elona
    • By elona 25th Mar 17, 6:51 PM
    • 11,386 Posts
    • 61,631 Thanks

    Your holiday sounds wonderful and I hope you have a lovely time and the sunshine does you good. I must remember to turn the clock forward tonight or else dds will be turning up while I still have not got showered and dressed under the happy belief that it is only around ten.

    I did a quick shop and got in a few bits and pieces but was surprised how quiet it was and how few people seemed to be around.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 25th Mar 17, 7:06 PM
    • 6,092 Posts
    • 12,722 Thanks
    Lovely new margaretclare. Shower and a meal out now that is a treat when you have been ill, glad its going so well.

    Tooties it sounds really difficult. Dogs can be great companions, hope you find something.
    Sell 1500

    • judy
    • By judy 26th Mar 17, 10:39 AM
    • 13 Posts
    • 12 Thanks
    Hello I'm not a widow but have friends who are and several of them have developed quite a good social life through joining a group called the Jolly Dollies - it may suit some of you.
    • tooties
    • By tooties 30th Mar 17, 5:17 PM
    • 797 Posts
    • 7,472 Thanks
    Hello everyone,

    Thanks to everyone of you for replying to my posts. The last 4 weeks has been awful for me, it was the build up to my wedding anniversary.
    The day itself was ok, i survived and came through it. ii am hopeful that it won't be so bad next year.

    So its time to give myself a shake and restart getting on with it again. i know i will learn to live with this one day, we all will, we just have to cope with all the bumps in the road as they come up.
    This is not an easy journey we are travelling but my beloved would hate to see me so upset like that. So, i'm NOT going back to the "take it a day at a time" approach as i take it a heartbeat at a time. It seemed to suit be before this past month. Hopefully the road will be a little smoother for a while.

    Take care everyone and try not to fall over the bumps.

    Thanks again everyone

    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 30th Mar 17, 8:59 PM
    • 10,334 Posts
    • 58,982 Thanks
    Hi Tooties......good to hear from you. Glad you managed to cross the hurdle of your wedding anniversary. It is hard but as you say we just have to keep going. We have no real option, the alternative is to give up on life and await our own deaths.

    I don't think our departed loved ones would want us to give up. I feel sure they want us to be happy and to build a good life.

    In a funny way I Feel that because my husband died so young I have a moral obligation to live a good life for him as well as for myself. I feel I have to live for both of us, to make the Most of the time I have left and to be there for our children.

    The other night I watched the documentary about Rio Ferdinand, the England Footballer who lost his wife over 2 years ago. It was very interesting and very moving. As i watched I realised he was talking about me too. Like Rio I was just too busy to grieve properly. He had his children to care for, I had my parents illnesses and subsequent deaths.

    Since dads death I have been hit really hard - three deaths in two years and it has really affected my health. My adrenals are severely compromised, and now I'm showing signs of thyroid issues, as well as fibromyalgia and a Recent flare up of IBS and GERD. These things are all interconnected so I am now making it my mission to heal myself and get well.

    That will be my next project........

    I am walking each day, trying to do some yoga, just starting regular swimming, getting more sleep and rest, being very careful with my diet, taking supplements and just generally taking much better care of myself.

    It all sounds a bit grim and it is hard work, especially exercising through the pain, but I am getting there, slowly but surely. My energy levels are awful but at least my blood sugar levels are now stable and my IBS and GERD have settled again.

    My DIL took a photo of me. I truly looked dreadful so I decided it was time to take myself in hand.

    I Have hardly any eyelashes left, my eyebrows are very sparse, no body hair, nails turning white and opaque, my hair is snowy white, my face is pale and strained.

    so ......time for drastic action.

    I bought myself new make up, have started painting my nails more regularly to hide them, have had a sharp new hair cut and am giving myself regular facials and manicures. I have blitzed my wardrobe - got rid of all the dark boring colours and treated myself to some new tops and lightweight knitwear in soft pastel colours, silver greys, blues and turquoises to suit my new colouring.

    And every chance I get then I am out there in the sunshine and fresh air.

    Still not joined any groups yet but I am not bothered yet. My health regime, reading, gardening, DIY, socialising with my family and a couple of close girlfriends is plenty for now.

    I have a friend coming to stay for a few days in a couple of weeks and then a couple of weeks after that I shall be going on holiday.

    I just bumble along.
    • Newly retired
    • By Newly retired 31st Mar 17, 8:49 AM
    • 2,334 Posts
    • 2,699 Thanks
    Newly retired
    LL, glad to read of your new smart looks. Your years of caring must have taken their toll on your health.
    You remind me about my neighbour who was suddenly widowed last autumn. She seems very active, out and about in her car, often having visitors, and yesterday we smiled and said hello whilst bringing in the bins. She has a new hairstyle, wore striking makeup, looked really smart.
    Another widow in my choir has just been to Crufts, another has just downsized and re_establishing herself. At church I don't know where we'd be without the many active widows and widowers, lovely people.
    I know everyone's way of grieving is different, but they are all agreed that keeping busy and involved is their key.
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 31st Mar 17, 10:46 AM
    • 10,264 Posts
    • 17,057 Thanks
    Lovely new margaretclare. Shower and a meal out now that is a treat when you have been ill, glad its going so well.
    Originally posted by mumps
    Thank you for the kind words.

    Last Sunday he walked into church on his crutches and had a 'fan club' around him immediately! He lost count of the kisses and handshakes. He said afterwards that this is the first time ever that - apart from sports clubs etc - he has felt part of a real community.

    This Sunday there's going to be the baptism of a baby who has spina bifida. When our church members were praying for DH they were also praying for her, because she was going to London to have a heart murmur investigated. Like the good news about DH, she was found not to have a heart murmur. Her mum told me she is getting calipers soon so she'll be able to take some steps.What with DH and his bright red crutches she'll be in good company.

    This morning I sat and waited for him to call me from the bathroom for help with his shower and/or dressing. He didn't need any help at all. That's another first.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • elona
    • By elona 1st Apr 17, 3:48 PM
    • 11,386 Posts
    • 61,631 Thanks
    margaret clare

    I am so glad how well things are going and he must be thrilled to be able to get out and about.

    The shared hedge is now thinned out and about two feet lower and the difference it has made to the light and space outside is really surprising. The gardener comes back on Tuesday to sort out the raised bed in the back garden and to plant the lavender and I start my first volunteer session on Wednesday.

    Middle dd is coming over tonight before meeting friends so will have her overnight and for breakfast and lunch tomorrow and another two dds and sil for lunch. Decided to make a large lasagne so will nip out later for lasagne sheets and cheese.

    Middle dd is thoroughly enjoying the coffee machine I got for her birthday and has found a discount store that has a good deal on the pods it uses. I have a couple of pairs of linen trousers and a top on their way which should be good for our family holiday in a couple of weeks. I really need to get back to sensible eating as my trousers and dresses are getting tight.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 2nd Apr 17, 8:43 AM
    • 10,334 Posts
    • 58,982 Thanks
    Hello ladies

    Margaret. Good to hear your husband is doing so well. sound busy and good progress in the garden too. It's nice here this morning so am aiming to get out and do a bit out there. Nothing too physical, just gentle pottering.

    Felt really poorly yesteday (adrenals and thyroid issues) so I must be careful not to overdo it.

    I am struggling to try and lose weight and not having much luck.. (Thyroid) so for now I'm just concentrating on healthy eating and trying to build up some exercise to get my metabolism working properly. It's difficult to get the balance right because I can easily become exhausted and then I pay for it.

    So for now I will settle for not gaining weight. Hopefully once the thyroid issues are sorted I will be able to shift the excess weight.

    Looks like a lovely day ......hope you all are well and able to get out and enjoy the good weather.
    • anakat
    • By anakat 3rd Apr 17, 9:17 AM
    • 247 Posts
    • 1,212 Thanks
    Just had a really difficult phone call with AVIVA trying to stop them from automatically renewing my late husbands car insurance. They seem unable to deviate from their script and I had no wish to hear that he would be unable to drive anything because he would be uninsured, the fact that he wouldn't be driving anything because he is dead seemed beyond their grasp.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 3rd Apr 17, 9:33 AM
    • 18,663 Posts
    • 49,032 Thanks
    That's shockingly inconsiderate service.

    Do take the time to complain to Aviva:

    Aviva UK - Our Complaints Performance

    The following pages provide an overview of Avivas FCA reportable complaints data. At Aviva were passionate about delivering excellent customer service. Everything starts with understanding your point of view, seeing life through your eyes and building products and services which not only meet but surpass your expectations.

    We always aim to get things right first time but occasionally things go wrong. Complaints tell us where were going wrong and how we can improve our products and services. Were continually investing in the development of our people and our processes and continuing to act on feedback and getting better at what matters most to you.
    It won't help you but if it stops someone else from having such a distressing experience, it will be worth the time spent.
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 3rd Apr 17, 9:40 AM
    • 311 Posts
    • 192 Thanks
    One of the best pieces of advice I received last year was to always ask to be put through to their Bereavement Dept. The big companies do have them and they are so understanding as they are trained to deal with it.
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