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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    I looked everywhere for the support that I craved, there was none but I found support by starting this thread and people came forward.

    I have reached that calm stage of acceptance, it does happen but it takes time

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started

    I am leaving the thread, finally. I have learnt to fly, by myself and I thank the good people who have been supportive, through thick and thin
    Last edited by kittie; 31-12-2016 at 10:34 AM.
Page 151
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 6th Mar 17, 11:31 AM
    • 10,201 Posts
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    margaretclare
    Is this what caused his knee problems?
    Originally posted by missile
    The worst thing for your knees is: rowing. The kind of sliding-seat rowing as in the Oxford & Cambridge Boat Race. DH was told this by a consultant some time ago, who asked him about the sports he'd indulged in as a young guy. 'Swimming, running, cycling, being a member of a rowing club on the Thames..' 'Ah. Bingo. Rowing. The very worst thing for your knees'. Apparently when rowing like that, you don't just row with your back, arms and shoulders but with your whole body. Your entire body weight at one point is transmitted through your knees. Even though DH was a lightweight at the time and rowed at the front of an 'eight', it still applies.

    Oddly enough, the other knee caused more problems originally and it was that which made him unfit for army service after his apprenticeship. There was a tiny fragment of bone from a childhood accident and it had been removed by the comparatively-unsophisticated methods of the late 50s, 12 weeks in hospital following surgery and a long time bandaged up. That knee joint was eventually replaced in 1999 and it has caused no problems at all since then. It passed its 10-year review with flying colours. The right knee, by contrast, was replaced and then revised at least 3 times. The worst was in 2008 when it blew up an infection, that went to septicaemia which nearly killed him. This has been the problem all the time - recurrent infections. They're only the normal bugs we all have on our skin, but when they get to where they shouldn't be, they cause all manner of problems.

    What helps DH now is that, in spite of 82 years, he still has very good upper body strength and that enables him to be a lot more mobile than might be expected. Moving around on crutches, hauling himself in and out of bed etc.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 6th Mar 17, 3:05 PM
    • 1,581 Posts
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    Mrs Money
    LL I do look at photographs of my husband - makes me a little sad, but I still like to do it. Don't worry that you can't yet - we're all different and so bereavement is different for us all.
    I too am feeling extremely low and sad and spending time on my own is making me feel so much worse. Living on my own is something I feel is dragging me down badly.
    The sun is out and it's sort of spring like so I need to drag myself off the settee and do something in the garden - it certainly needs it, but then I also feel I can't be bothered - not a good sign.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 7th Mar 17, 10:36 AM
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    mumps
    Mrs Money I do hope you manage to find a club or social activity of some sort, you do sound as if you need some company. Spring is on the way so I hope that helps.

    If it doesn't offend you I will light a candle for you, it doesn't seem to have done Margaretclare's husband any harm, let me know as I wouldn't want to do it for someone who wouldn't like it.
    Sell 1500

    2831.00/1500
    • missile
    • By missile 7th Mar 17, 10:56 AM
    • 8,641 Posts
    • 4,120 Thanks
    missile
    ... What helps DH now is that, in spite of 82 years, he still has very good upper body strength and that enables him to be a lot more mobile than might be expected. Moving around on crutches, hauling himself in and out of bed etc.
    Originally posted by margaretclare
    I am very pleased to hear he is not letting those injuries keep a good man down.
    Last edited by missile; 07-03-2017 at 2:44 PM.
    "A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members." ~ Mahatma Gandhi
    Ride hard or stay home
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 7th Mar 17, 3:00 PM
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    margaretclare
    Mrs Money I do hope you manage to find a club or social activity of some sort, you do sound as if you need some company. Spring is on the way so I hope that helps.

    If it doesn't offend you I will light a candle for you, it doesn't seem to have done Margaretclare's husband any harm, let me know as I wouldn't want to do it for someone who wouldn't like it
    .
    Originally posted by mumps
    DH is appreciative and thankful for all the prayers, whether accompanied by a candle or not. There are people at our church who are convinced that the phone call coming out of the blue back in December was 'an answer to prayer'.

    He's getting more and more independent. This morning I got up for a shower, came back to bed and fell fast asleep. The next thing I knew he was sitting on the edge of the bed putting his shorts on. He'd been in the bathroom, and I didn't even know it. He even potters around in the kitchen and we make breakfast between us.

    The district nurse is very pleased with wound healing. Very good progress so far.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 7th Mar 17, 9:07 PM
    • 1,581 Posts
    • 7,187 Thanks
    Mrs Money
    I can't remember who it was on this thread who said they had joined Way Up. I've tried twice now - filled in the form and logged in and then I just get to a forum site called Big Tent which just seems to have American community groups of all kinds or just a blank page.
    I'm not having much luck with it- I knew there was a reason I hadn't joined yet!
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 7th Mar 17, 9:22 PM
    • 4,451 Posts
    • 10,202 Thanks
    itsanne
    I can't remember who it was on this thread who said they had joined Way Up. I've tried twice now - filled in the form and logged in and then I just get to a forum site called Big Tent which just seems to have American community groups of all kinds or just a blank page.
    I'm not having much luck with it- I knew there was a reason I hadn't joined yet!
    Originally posted by Mrs Money
    It was me. If you're into Big Tent, search for Way Up there. Big Tent hosts forums, including Way Up. Searching should bring you to Way Up, and as you appear to have already joined that should get you in. I've bookmarked it and kept logged in, so that's not necessarily the best way in but it should work. If you let me know if it doesn't I'll try going in on a different laptop where I've not already saved everything and let you know what else works. The site is 'clunky', but there's more to it than the forum.

    I'm meeting up with someone from Way Up tomorrow.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • kittie
    • By kittie 8th Mar 17, 6:08 PM
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    kittie
    LL, two years on and worse than last year, future seems endless and just faffing around getting jobs and clearing done, however trying to live in the moment and doing my best to stay positive. No point in me going on as it doesn`t help me or anyone else, however the widows club is not a nice place to be. Just an update as I am not coming back
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 8th Mar 17, 10:48 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Hi Kittie - good to hear from you.

    I think you've hit the nail on the head, the long term loneliness is actually just as bad as the initial shock and aftermath.

    It's different but none the less still difficult ......

    After a very bad week last week I actually feel quite perky at the moment. Despite some stomach problems and a rerun of my fibromyalgia I have had some productive days and feel quite cheerful and positive.

    Mind, I think the better weather has helped, it's so nice to see a bit of sunshine.

    Off to bed in a minute. I,think one of the reasons I feel brighter is because I am sleeping better. A decent nights sleep makes such a difference.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 10th Mar 17, 5:17 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Today I Have been painting door frames for DS2. Shattered now.

    Have booked to view three houses next week. Other tHan that no real news.

    Received the itinerary for the Baltic cruise. St Petersburg will mean a LOT of walking and hundreds of steps. I've got 8 weeks to get in training.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 10th Mar 17, 7:28 PM
    • 16,710 Posts
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    Pollycat
    St Petersburg will mean a LOT of walking and hundreds of steps. I've got 8 weeks to get in training.
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    Then do it - and do it now!
    St Petersburg (or Leningrad as it was when we went in 1987) was wonderful.
    We didn't do a cruise though, we stayed for 3 days.
    • elona
    • By elona 13th Mar 17, 11:53 AM
    • 10,843 Posts
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    elona
    LL

    Have a fantastic holiday. It should be well worth the walking.

    I have some laundry to hang outside and then will get the bus to York to see cinema at U3A this afternoon. It is a 1916 Chaplin film and a 1928 version of "the Gold Digger" so should be fun.

    Still enjoying the library training on Thursdays and looking forward to better weather which makes me more inclined to go out and not vegetate at home.

    DDs want me to continue making a timetable of what to do in Italy and older DD is spreadsheeting it. They don't have my belief in Serendipity and making room for the unexpected Or I could just be a disorganised so and so.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Mar 17, 1:58 PM
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    lessonlearned
    My husband used to love holiday "itineraries"........: the boys and I would be shattered on our knees begging for some ."free" time. . He learned to slow down a bit eventually.

    I agree you do need some time for serendipity.

    When I went to the Carribean I got the full Bob Marley vibe and just "went with the flow", visiting the markets, eating in the local cafes.

    I ended up having a fabulous afternoon with some Rastas who made up some music CDs for me whilst we sat and drank beers. Sounds rough doesn't it......but they were lovely young men, kind, courteous and respectful, despite their outlandish clothes and dreadlocks.

    (I probably looked a lot worse back in the 60s in my full hippie regalia, complete with stinky afghan coat)

    Now I play those CDs in the car and I remember those boys and that fab afternoon.

    My son is off to Rome and Venice next month. Rome is definitely on my list.

    Hope you have a fabulous holiday. I love Italy. Some people are suckers for Paris but for me it's Italy, everytime. I love everything. The sun, the architecture, the opera, the art, the people and of course the food!!!

    Next year!!!!
    • tooties
    • By tooties 16th Mar 17, 8:26 PM
    • 795 Posts
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    tooties
    Good Evening everyone,

    just checking in really. i have had an awful day, my eyes and head are hurting with crying. Hate days like this.
    Hope everyone else is ok

    regards
    • elona
    • By elona 16th Mar 17, 8:54 PM
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    elona
    tooties

    I am so sorry it is a bad day for you and please try to be kind to yourself. The emotions need to come out so go with the flow. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

    I had a really good day till I was waiting for a bus and saw a man in the distance wearing a similar jacket and hat to DH and it was wrenching and completely unexpected.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Mar 17, 10:41 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Tootles........Sorry to hear you have had such a bad day. Hang in there, hopefully you will feel better soon. The tsunamis keep coming don't they.

    Elona...I know what you mean about little things unsettling your equilibrium. You think you are doing ok and then something happens to remind you. Could be someone who resembles our lost loves or maybe just a reminder of our past lives.

    I still get low sometimes, yesterday was fine, then this morning I felt quite fragile. I decided that I really do need to make an effort and get out more.

    So today I joined a gym. The membership is just 27 per month, which includes use of all the equipment, swimming pool, sauna and steam rooms, plus a good selection of exercise classes. It actually works out cheaper than the council run leisure facilities.

    I am dreadfully unfit and obviously have to be careful with my back and fibromyalgia so I will be starting slowly - swimming, Pilates and yoga and hopefully will gradually get stronger.

    There seemed to be plenty of people of a "certain age" - several smiled and said hello so it looks to be a friendly and welcoming place.

    It's a start........ at least it makes me get out of the house.

    The deal includes two free sessions with a personal trainer to get me started. Anyway I will be "inducted" next week but I can make a start with swimming before then.

    This week I also made a start both in the garden and painting some door frames.

    Just Trying to keep busy and positive.......
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 16-03-2017 at 10:44 PM.
    • elona
    • By elona 17th Mar 17, 3:53 PM
    • 10,843 Posts
    • 55,872 Thanks
    elona
    LL

    That sounds like a really good deal. Just don't do too much too soon and set yourself back.

    I have finally found a nice gardener and she is sorting out the front of the house, weeding, cutting back the shrubs and the clematis etc. I have much more light through the living room window since the triffid has been cut back

    Weeds have gone from the fancy stone drive and she is going to get more gravel for the edges for me and reline the beds as previous owner had botched it a bit. When DDs and sil come round on Sunday it will look much more respectable. Maybe the Feng Shiu will improve!!!

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 17th Mar 17, 5:19 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Elona.......Your garden work sounds great, she sounds like a real treasure. I do love gardening and decorating but oh my the years are catching up with me now.......

    Last week I painted four door frames in one day, and hurt my shoulder. It was out of action for several days. Today I have been far more sensible and painted two door frames. Two per day is better than 4 per week.

    I must say your house sounds like it's really coming along nicely now.

    Today I went Into town, had my hair cut shorter ready for swimming, bought some trainers for the gym and treated myself to some new make up.

    My er hem......personal trainer ......get me rang me this morning, so now I have my first session booked for next Wednesday.

    I am almost at the end of my Physio programme, there's not much more she can do, the rest is up to me now, hence joining the gym.

    I was never a gym bunny, my husband was the athletic one, but prior to becoming his carer I was flexible and always had plenty of energy for gardening, decorating and dancing. It would be nice to recover some strength and flexibility. I would like to be able to dance again. That's what I'm aiming for.

    Tango lessons next year???

    Tootles.......hope you are feeling a bit brighter today.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 17th Mar 17, 5:37 PM
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    mumps
    I've been to visit my aunt, I've stepped back and haven't seen her since I was in hospital. Oh dear, it is so sad. Her fantasy world is bizarre and when it is happy bizarre it is rather strange but when it is scary bizarre she is really living a nightmare. Dementia is so cruel, the person we knew is gone, if she could see this shell of a woman and hear what she is saying she would be devastated. I don't know if I have the strength to see her again and yet so many people have done that to her, hardly anyone is still in touch. I think I need a bit of time to process it all.

    Hope everyone is well, Elone did you get your health issue resolved? Hope it is going well. Margaretclare, hope your husband is still doing well.
    Sell 1500

    2831.00/1500
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 18th Mar 17, 10:32 AM
    • 10,201 Posts
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    margaretclare
    I've been to visit my aunt, I've stepped back and haven't seen her since I was in hospital. Oh dear, it is so sad. Her fantasy world is bizarre and when it is happy bizarre it is rather strange but when it is scary bizarre she is really living a nightmare. Dementia is so cruel, the person we knew is gone, if she could see this shell of a woman and hear what she is saying she would be devastated. I don't know if I have the strength to see her again and yet so many people have done that to her, hardly anyone is still in touch. I think I need a bit of time to process it all.

    Hope everyone is well, Elone did you get your health issue resolved? Hope it is going well. Margaretclare, hope your husband is still doing well.
    Originally posted by mumps
    Yes, thank you, he is doing fine. We still have the 2 x weekly District Nurse visits to dress his leg and they're very happy with it - it's all healing up very well indeed. This coming Thursday he has to go back to Oxford to see the infection control people and the orthopaedic team and plastic surgeons, so 2 separate appointments. He's really hoping to get rid of the massive splint and be able to get into the shower as normal. He's also getting very much more independent and starting to potter in the kitchen, which is what he likes to do. So I am relegated to scullery-maid i.e. the washing up!

    Yesterday I had to go to our surgery for a routine - annual - blood test and I noticed on the screen that I'm at risk of coronary heart disease - well, yes, I had a MI (coronary) on St Patrick's Day in 1989, but have survived this long with no angina etc. I also noticed on the screen 'at risk of dementia'. If I get called back to see one of the GPs I'll ask about this. It may be just down to the date on the calendar - date of birth etc - because I have no sign of dementia, thank God. The care DH and I get from the NHS you'd think they want us to live for ever. With dementia I really wouldn't want to. It must be, as you say, a living nightmare.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
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