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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 151
    • kittie
    • By kittie 8th Mar 17, 6:08 PM
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    kittie
    LL, two years on and worse than last year, future seems endless and just faffing around getting jobs and clearing done, however trying to live in the moment and doing my best to stay positive. No point in me going on as it doesn`t help me or anyone else, however the widows club is not a nice place to be. Just an update as I am not coming back
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 8th Mar 17, 10:48 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Hi Kittie - good to hear from you.

    I think you've hit the nail on the head, the long term loneliness is actually just as bad as the initial shock and aftermath.

    It's different but none the less still difficult ......

    After a very bad week last week I actually feel quite perky at the moment. Despite some stomach problems and a rerun of my fibromyalgia I have had some productive days and feel quite cheerful and positive.

    Mind, I think the better weather has helped, it's so nice to see a bit of sunshine.

    Off to bed in a minute. I,think one of the reasons I feel brighter is because I am sleeping better. A decent nights sleep makes such a difference.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 10th Mar 17, 5:17 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Today I Have been painting door frames for DS2. Shattered now.

    Have booked to view three houses next week. Other tHan that no real news.

    Received the itinerary for the Baltic cruise. St Petersburg will mean a LOT of walking and hundreds of steps. I've got 8 weeks to get in training.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 10th Mar 17, 7:28 PM
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    Pollycat
    St Petersburg will mean a LOT of walking and hundreds of steps. I've got 8 weeks to get in training.
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    Then do it - and do it now!
    St Petersburg (or Leningrad as it was when we went in 1987) was wonderful.
    We didn't do a cruise though, we stayed for 3 days.
    • elona
    • By elona 13th Mar 17, 11:53 AM
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    elona
    LL

    Have a fantastic holiday. It should be well worth the walking.

    I have some laundry to hang outside and then will get the bus to York to see cinema at U3A this afternoon. It is a 1916 Chaplin film and a 1928 version of "the Gold Digger" so should be fun.

    Still enjoying the library training on Thursdays and looking forward to better weather which makes me more inclined to go out and not vegetate at home.

    DDs want me to continue making a timetable of what to do in Italy and older DD is spreadsheeting it. They don't have my belief in Serendipity and making room for the unexpected Or I could just be a disorganised so and so.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Mar 17, 1:58 PM
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    lessonlearned
    My husband used to love holiday "itineraries"........: the boys and I would be shattered on our knees begging for some ."free" time. . He learned to slow down a bit eventually.

    I agree you do need some time for serendipity.

    When I went to the Carribean I got the full Bob Marley vibe and just "went with the flow", visiting the markets, eating in the local cafes.

    I ended up having a fabulous afternoon with some Rastas who made up some music CDs for me whilst we sat and drank beers. Sounds rough doesn't it......but they were lovely young men, kind, courteous and respectful, despite their outlandish clothes and dreadlocks.

    (I probably looked a lot worse back in the 60s in my full hippie regalia, complete with stinky afghan coat)

    Now I play those CDs in the car and I remember those boys and that fab afternoon.

    My son is off to Rome and Venice next month. Rome is definitely on my list.

    Hope you have a fabulous holiday. I love Italy. Some people are suckers for Paris but for me it's Italy, everytime. I love everything. The sun, the architecture, the opera, the art, the people and of course the food!!!

    Next year!!!!
    • tooties
    • By tooties 16th Mar 17, 8:26 PM
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    tooties
    Good Evening everyone,

    just checking in really. i have had an awful day, my eyes and head are hurting with crying. Hate days like this.
    Hope everyone else is ok

    regards
    • elona
    • By elona 16th Mar 17, 8:54 PM
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    elona
    tooties

    I am so sorry it is a bad day for you and please try to be kind to yourself. The emotions need to come out so go with the flow. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

    I had a really good day till I was waiting for a bus and saw a man in the distance wearing a similar jacket and hat to DH and it was wrenching and completely unexpected.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Mar 17, 10:41 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Tootles........Sorry to hear you have had such a bad day. Hang in there, hopefully you will feel better soon. The tsunamis keep coming don't they.

    Elona...I know what you mean about little things unsettling your equilibrium. You think you are doing ok and then something happens to remind you. Could be someone who resembles our lost loves or maybe just a reminder of our past lives.

    I still get low sometimes, yesterday was fine, then this morning I felt quite fragile. I decided that I really do need to make an effort and get out more.

    So today I joined a gym. The membership is just 27 per month, which includes use of all the equipment, swimming pool, sauna and steam rooms, plus a good selection of exercise classes. It actually works out cheaper than the council run leisure facilities.

    I am dreadfully unfit and obviously have to be careful with my back and fibromyalgia so I will be starting slowly - swimming, Pilates and yoga and hopefully will gradually get stronger.

    There seemed to be plenty of people of a "certain age" - several smiled and said hello so it looks to be a friendly and welcoming place.

    It's a start........ at least it makes me get out of the house.

    The deal includes two free sessions with a personal trainer to get me started. Anyway I will be "inducted" next week but I can make a start with swimming before then.

    This week I also made a start both in the garden and painting some door frames.

    Just Trying to keep busy and positive.......
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 16-03-2017 at 10:44 PM.
    • elona
    • By elona 17th Mar 17, 3:53 PM
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    elona
    LL

    That sounds like a really good deal. Just don't do too much too soon and set yourself back.

    I have finally found a nice gardener and she is sorting out the front of the house, weeding, cutting back the shrubs and the clematis etc. I have much more light through the living room window since the triffid has been cut back

    Weeds have gone from the fancy stone drive and she is going to get more gravel for the edges for me and reline the beds as previous owner had botched it a bit. When DDs and sil come round on Sunday it will look much more respectable. Maybe the Feng Shiu will improve!!!

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 17th Mar 17, 5:19 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Elona.......Your garden work sounds great, she sounds like a real treasure. I do love gardening and decorating but oh my the years are catching up with me now.......

    Last week I painted four door frames in one day, and hurt my shoulder. It was out of action for several days. Today I have been far more sensible and painted two door frames. Two per day is better than 4 per week.

    I must say your house sounds like it's really coming along nicely now.

    Today I went Into town, had my hair cut shorter ready for swimming, bought some trainers for the gym and treated myself to some new make up.

    My er hem......personal trainer ......get me rang me this morning, so now I have my first session booked for next Wednesday.

    I am almost at the end of my Physio programme, there's not much more she can do, the rest is up to me now, hence joining the gym.

    I was never a gym bunny, my husband was the athletic one, but prior to becoming his carer I was flexible and always had plenty of energy for gardening, decorating and dancing. It would be nice to recover some strength and flexibility. I would like to be able to dance again. That's what I'm aiming for.

    Tango lessons next year???

    Tootles.......hope you are feeling a bit brighter today.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 17th Mar 17, 5:37 PM
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    mumps
    I've been to visit my aunt, I've stepped back and haven't seen her since I was in hospital. Oh dear, it is so sad. Her fantasy world is bizarre and when it is happy bizarre it is rather strange but when it is scary bizarre she is really living a nightmare. Dementia is so cruel, the person we knew is gone, if she could see this shell of a woman and hear what she is saying she would be devastated. I don't know if I have the strength to see her again and yet so many people have done that to her, hardly anyone is still in touch. I think I need a bit of time to process it all.

    Hope everyone is well, Elone did you get your health issue resolved? Hope it is going well. Margaretclare, hope your husband is still doing well.
    Sell 1500

    2831.00/1500
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 18th Mar 17, 10:32 AM
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    margaretclare
    I've been to visit my aunt, I've stepped back and haven't seen her since I was in hospital. Oh dear, it is so sad. Her fantasy world is bizarre and when it is happy bizarre it is rather strange but when it is scary bizarre she is really living a nightmare. Dementia is so cruel, the person we knew is gone, if she could see this shell of a woman and hear what she is saying she would be devastated. I don't know if I have the strength to see her again and yet so many people have done that to her, hardly anyone is still in touch. I think I need a bit of time to process it all.

    Hope everyone is well, Elone did you get your health issue resolved? Hope it is going well. Margaretclare, hope your husband is still doing well.
    Originally posted by mumps
    Yes, thank you, he is doing fine. We still have the 2 x weekly District Nurse visits to dress his leg and they're very happy with it - it's all healing up very well indeed. This coming Thursday he has to go back to Oxford to see the infection control people and the orthopaedic team and plastic surgeons, so 2 separate appointments. He's really hoping to get rid of the massive splint and be able to get into the shower as normal. He's also getting very much more independent and starting to potter in the kitchen, which is what he likes to do. So I am relegated to scullery-maid i.e. the washing up!

    Yesterday I had to go to our surgery for a routine - annual - blood test and I noticed on the screen that I'm at risk of coronary heart disease - well, yes, I had a MI (coronary) on St Patrick's Day in 1989, but have survived this long with no angina etc. I also noticed on the screen 'at risk of dementia'. If I get called back to see one of the GPs I'll ask about this. It may be just down to the date on the calendar - date of birth etc - because I have no sign of dementia, thank God. The care DH and I get from the NHS you'd think they want us to live for ever. With dementia I really wouldn't want to. It must be, as you say, a living nightmare.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • elona
    • By elona 18th Mar 17, 11:25 AM
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    elona
    Morning everyone.

    I have had a nice long shower and shampoo, looked out smart trousers and top etc and getting the bus to York in a few minutes to take dd to cinema for a change.

    DDs and sil coming round for lunch tomorrow so will do a tidy and vacuum before they arrive and put brisket in the oven. Relieved that the front of the house is looking less shabby and unkempt (or is that me? ) At least I managed to get my hair cut so the dulux dog/ eccentric bag lady look is gone.

    margaret clare

    I am so glad that things are going so well for DH and it must do his morale good to be able to potter.

    An e mail has arrived saying my silver velvet bedroom chair is ready for delivery so once I get that here and get the bedroom tidy then it should be a nice relaxing space and a retreat.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 18th Mar 17, 2:07 PM
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    mumps
    Margaretclare, so glad it is going well. I know what you mean about the shower, it really does your spirits good to have a shower and it is horrible when you can't. Hope his check up goes well.
    Sell 1500

    2831.00/1500
    • tooties
    • By tooties 20th Mar 17, 4:43 PM
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    tooties
    Hello everyone,

    i'm a bit better than i was thanks i just have so much on my mind just now, and what would have been my wedding anniversary is next week.
    At times everything gets me down not to mention the unfairness of it all. i'm sure you all know what i mean.

    I'm going to cook myself a meal (doesn't happen too often) then im going to eat it by myself then i get to clear it up by myself!!

    Can you tell the isolation and loneliness gets to me? I do hope that i'm not the only one who feels like this.

    Take care everyone and a million thanks to Kittie for starting this thread its got me through some very dark times.

    regards
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 20th Mar 17, 6:29 PM
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    Mrs Money
    Hi Tooties
    I think we all feel as you do regarding the loneliness and isolation. Those anniversary days are hard - can you get out somewhere that day, even if it's to the shops or garden centre? Perhaps treat yourself to some flowers? It may help a little to be out and about rather than sitting at home in my experience.
    I hope it will be a peaceful day for you.
    • iris
    • By iris 20th Mar 17, 7:11 PM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    iris
    Hello everyone,

    i'm a bit better than i was thanks i just have so much on my mind just now, and what would have been my wedding anniversary is next week.
    At times everything gets me down not to mention the unfairness of it all. i'm sure you all know what i mean.

    I'm going to cook myself a meal (doesn't happen too often) then im going to eat it by myself then i get to clear it up by myself!!

    Can you tell the isolation and loneliness gets to me? I do hope that i'm not the only one who feels like this.

    Take care everyone and a million thanks to Kittie for starting this thread its got me through some very dark times.

    regards
    Originally posted by tooties

    I know exactly how you feel tooties. I try and get out every day and have joined U3A, which has helped a lot. I have also made a new friend through U3A who is also a widow and we go out together several times a week. I have also joined a keep fit group and line dancing. However, I do find weekends difficult, as everybody is with families and my daughter and grand children live 150 miles away.


    Like you I miss my husband all the time and some days feel I don't want to carry on. Not a day goes by when I don't shed some tears.


    Have you managed to move home yet? I remember you saying you lived in a rural area and wanted to move.


    Perhaps you could look if there is a U3A organisation in your area.


    I am also receiving complimentary therapy, which I am finding helpful. Is this something you would consider?
    • elona
    • By elona 21st Mar 17, 11:21 AM
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    elona
    Older dd has given me a stern talking to about being pro active and making sure I do not miss the review at the hospital because of my address having changed so I made a few phone calls and everything is sorted out. I also plan to re join SW and eat more healthily and try to get myself out every day for a walk.

    I meet a couple of dds in Manchester on Sunday for Mother's day and have reminded them then that the clocks go forward that day so we don't get confused about meeting each other.

    Iris

    I joined U3A as well and have volunteered to do one afternoon a week at the local library. The training finishes this week and I am looking forward to it.

    It sounds really mundane but I ordered a three step folding ladder with a safety rail that should arrive this week so I am safer to do little things like change a bulb or reach a tall cupboard.

    This afternoon should be a walk out to collect a prescription and get me in the fresh air and a browse round films out this week for a trip with a dd later. Found a good deal on perennial plants so will discuss it with garden lady on Friday.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • iris
    • By iris 21st Mar 17, 11:37 AM
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    iris
    Pleased to hear you are getting out and about Elona and that you have joined U3A.


    I am off to my iPad group this afternoon and will also do a bit of shopping in Aldi (not that I need much nowadays). I find cooking for one and eating on my own is depressing, so I eat a lot of omelettes and salad and also home-made soups.


    Our daughter is coming to stay with me for Mothering Sunday and I have booked a table for, hopefully, a nice meal. I am so looking forward to seeing her, as I haven't seen her since Christmas.


    The weather is sunny here, but windy, however my washing has line dried already.


    Hope everyone is ok.
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