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    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
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    kittie
    Self help thread. I am a widow. Coping, getting on with it
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    Self help thread. I am a widow. Coping, getting on with it 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    This is a support thread for those who have been widowed and newly bereaved and those who have lost a much loved and close partner. The aim of the thread is to offer support and help and to show that little steps are important in finding a way forward when all seems hopeless

    The thread has many many supporting and uplifting postings on it and much help for the newly bereaved and others. I am so sorry for your loss.

    The thread has re-opened. I sincerely hope it stays on track in the spirit in which it was started

    Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I speak from experience
    Last edited by kittie; 04-02-2016 at 7:43 AM.
Page 100
    • elona
    • By elona 15th Oct 16, 10:17 PM
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    elona
    This is going to sound so lazy but I found if I had a programme on tv that I liked I would pop through to the kitchen in the advert break and just do even one thing. Loading up the soup maker with veg and stock, prepping the bread maker or the slow cooker, loading the dishwasher or washing machine etc. On days when I do not feel like doing anything, using an advert break to do just one thing does not feel too daunting.

    Cooking potatoes in their skins on the hob, letting them cool then peeling easily ready for low fat chips, ingredient for soup etc or reheating for a mash or topping for an oven bake or veggie burger.

    Having things like chopped onions, spinach, carrots, mushrooms, peppers, herbs in the freezer also helps as there is always something I can use without having to shop or plan too much.

    I now have an easy option available for when I am not up to things but also have the option to do fancier cooking if I want.

    Hugs.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 16th Oct 16, 10:26 AM
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    lessonlearned
    I too fall in and out love with cooking.....and indeed all things domestic. . I guess the trick is to make hay whilst the sun shines so if you feel like cooking then use that time to make a bit extra.

    If I run out of prepared home cooked goodies then I have no guilt whatsoever in cheating and buying in a few nice M&S ready meals or even eating out - if I can be bothered.

    Cooking for one and eating alone can definitely seem like more of a chore than a pleasure.

    I've had a couple of melancholy days this week but I know that they are temporary blips so I can usually get through them without panicking.

    I tried to sort out some photos the other evening......still can't do it so I just did a rough sort into categories and put them away neatly in a box. I figured there is no point torturing myself. In the grand scheme of things they can wait. Trips down memory lane are still just too painful.

    I made up albums for each of my sons 21st birthdays - a sort of "This is your life", going back through the generations as far as their great grandparents, right up until their own childhoods and teenage years. So at least they have that.

    I don't need photos to remember him by, they can stay in the box till I'm ready. The boys can just chuck them if they want. My husband wrote his memoirs and I have made a start on mine, so they will have all the family history and ancestry stuff they are likely to want or need.

    So much for posterity......

    It's a miserable day here, heavy rain. Was going to go out for a drive into the Peak District but not much point really. I've got plenty of cleaning uo to do and want to do some online shopping later.

    I have ordered a pain relief machine which uses ultra sound. I didn't realise you could buy domestic ones but Physios often use them and I have found them very helpful. I also have a tens machine which needs new pads so I'll order some of those too.

    Sounds extravagant but will all come in at around £100 but if it helps reduce visits to the Physio at £40 a pop, then they will be a good investment.

    Saw a nice bungalow on Friday. Need to go back for a second viewing and will take it from there.

    Hope you are all ok.
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 16th Oct 16, 1:32 PM
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    Mrs Money
    I'm so glad I'm not the only one slightly lacking on the domestic front! I did make some cookies for visitors last week and an apple crumble to take to my son's when I was going there for dinner. I suppose that's the real problem - cooking for someone else has a point, a purpose and is always appreciated!
    As you say LL, I'll do it when I feel like it!
    It started off really rainy here this morning up until late morning and now it's breezy and sunny and I've just come in from the garden after processing a large amount of tree prunings into kindling to dry out in the greenhouse. I need to have lunch and then go out for a walk really, but I have a feeling I won't get around to the walk! We'll see.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 16th Oct 16, 2:38 PM
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    kittie
    My photos were bugging me 8 years ago, so I did the sorting then, including the old black and white ones. Dh and I each did a family book and I did another of our immediate family. We did them via blurb and bought copies for each of the children. They were well received by our siblings and they bought their own. It was daunting and took a lot of sorting and work, dh re-photographed each old photo. That is how I have ended up with a fab cd of family photos, 435 in all. I am down to just half a box left now and that is how they will stay. I don`t want to throw them

    Today I made a quick almond traybake, now in slices and quickly in the freezer, out of sight. I am still waiting for my amazon pantry order and am partially trying to sort out my very big and now very messy, shed. I daren`t stay in there in case I miss the delivery. Some more items offered to the children today, good quality travel bags/holdalls. Were my husbands bags, so things are still offering themselves for disposal. I prefer to pass them to the children, obviously

    Looks as though we are all getting through sunday ok, that is a good thing
    • poppy811
    • By poppy811 17th Oct 16, 9:07 AM
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    poppy811
    May i join please? I lost my husband 3 months ago very suddenly. The mornings are worse for me. I wake up very panicky and tearful but it seems to improve as the day goes on. Very lucky with friends and family but still feel so lonely. Have just put the house on the market. We had discussed this prior to my husband becoming ill so it is not a "kneejerk" reaction. Hoping to get something smaller with a lot less garden.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 17th Oct 16, 9:53 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Good morning Poppy. . Of course you may join us, I hope you can get some comfort, help and support here. It might only be virtual support but I have found this thread immensely helpful.

    First let me say how sorry I am to hear of your husband's death. A sudden death is so shocking, it's such a jolt to the system. I hope you had time to say your goodbyes.

    Of course you are tearful and panicky, it's such early days and your grief is deep and raw right now. Hopefully your hunt for your new home will help you ride out your pain.

    Take care my dear, look after your own health now and protect your interests.

    Sad to say I had a dreadful night, didn't get to sleep till 5 am. Needless to say I don't feel very great this morning. I am a mass of aches and pains so will go and have a long soak in a warm bath. It might help ease things a bit.

    I have been feeling a bit low in spirits these last few days. I know I'm drifting but I can't seem to focus or make decisions - especially when it comes to finding somewhere permanent to live. I just feel "directionless".

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal but my existence just seems a bit pointless. I do actually feel that I'm existing rather than living.

    Maybe inspiration will come in its own good time......
    • elona
    • By elona 17th Oct 16, 10:49 AM
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    elona
    LL

    The right place will "find you" and you will just know. Where I am now had so much needing done that dds were quite worried for me but realised it had the ground floor space I needed, rooms upstairs so family could stay over and was near a bus stop, shops etc.

    I hope a nice relaxing bath will ease the aches.

    DDs have now asked how I could see the potential in the eighties nightmare that was downstairs but it "felt right" somehow.

    poppy

    We had already put our house up for sale months before DH died as the house and garden were going to be too big and expensive for me to manage. Knowing it was a joint decision helped. Gentle virtual hug and be kind to yourself. You can only do what you can when you can so don't pressure yourself.

    kittie

    Approved food has rosewater at the moment but may be near the best before date.

    Dishwasher is loaded, my new window blinds arrive on Wednesday, home made soup is in containers in the fridge and my dri buddi had dried a big machine load of laundry in a few hours yesterday. Today is going to be a very lazy day with feet up, reading a book and sorting the dry laundry etc. after having two dds round yesterday and a good get together.

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • poppy811
    • By poppy811 17th Oct 16, 11:29 AM
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    poppy811
    Thank you
    Thanks to you both for your kindness. I think you have to have experienced loss to know how it feels. I think I thought things would slowly improve I was not prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions. I have a viewing on my house at lunchtime which motivated me to hoover and tidy.
    • elona
    • By elona 17th Oct 16, 2:03 PM
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    elona
    poppy

    It is a roller coaster but not always the same one and it can feel like one step forward two steps back at times as well.

    gentle hug and good luck with the viewing.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • warby68
    • By warby68 17th Oct 16, 2:17 PM
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    warby68
    I just want to say thanks to the ladies (mainly) here for sharing their real life stories.

    I'm not a widow but I have been supporting my mum through the loss of her second husband roughly 12m ago. She is 81, has no other family and had never lived alone her whole life before this. I live an hour away and she has numerous health issues so there are many challenges.

    I have been reading the thread for ideas and understanding and it is all much appreciated.

    Maybe I could return the favour with one (very small) tip - cooking and the desire not to bother - cook something easy that takes a while and smells delicious. A roast chicken is a prime one. My mum says that comforting food smells make the house feel cosy and inviting and a bit less empty (even if she doesn't bother to eat it all after!) I do understand though that it can be a reminder of cooking for greater numbers so not for everyone.

    Kind thoughts to all - you're very brave with your experience here.
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 17th Oct 16, 6:17 PM
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    Mrs Money
    Hello Poppy, and so sorry to hear of your husband's death. Don't expect too much of yourself - it's very early days for you yet. You will find support and encouragement here, and, at times, reassurance that the things you are feeling are "okay" because other people have experienced/are experiencing them.
    It's been 14 months for me now since my husband died. I had a lot going on too ( a huge, problematic extension on my house) and it's now that I am feeling very down indeed. Don't expect your feelings to progress constantly- I feel that loneliness, that yearning that people speak of. I also feel bad in the mornings at the moment but a couple of months ago I didn't feel so bad. But a few months before that I actually thought I may have depression and was wondering if I should see my GP (unsympathetic though he is) It is indeed a roller coaster. We have no choice other than to ride with it.
    LL I too, feel I'm treading water. I am a bit isolated and don't have the kind of friends that I see regularly- more like 2 or 3 acquaintances (but known them for years) I suppose, who seem to have to book in our lunches or coffee get togethers weeks or months in advance- which makes me feel a little unimportant to them.
    I don't have an aim in mind, but am slogging through each day, living in the moment, hoping something will change! But then I am reminded of a saying that I have often quoted to others; "If you want something to change, change something!"
    Easy to say...
    • kittie
    • By kittie 17th Oct 16, 7:48 PM
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    kittie
    welcome here poppy, I am so sorry, you will find help and friends on this thread. The first few months are dreadful, just try to stay healthy for the journey ahead. I remember going on a bus at your stage when the pain was awful. I deliberately sat behind two older women, who looked as though they might be widowed and I got talking to them. They said that I would indeed learn to live with the pain, that it would get less. That is all I wanted to hear at that stage. Come on here if you just want to talk, if you want to scream, we know what you are going through

    I feel as though I am treading water too but I am trying not to think about it. We are all dealing with circumstances in different ways, I know that my strategy is to keep busy and I rarely sit quietly with a book any more, I cannot settle. It seems that we are all needing a focus and LL that is what you are searching for

    I awoke through the night again but suddenly realised why I was restless, it was a full moon and honestly I always get restless at that time. The energy seems to affect me even though my bedroom is very dark.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 17th Oct 16, 9:03 PM
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    mumps
    Just noticed MissBiggles1 has been PPRd. Don't know what happened but I hope she is OK. If anyone is in touch with her can you pass on my best wishes.
    Sell £1500

    2831.00/£1500
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 18th Oct 16, 7:33 AM
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    seven-day-weekend
    Just noticed MissBiggles1 has been PPRd. Don't know what happened but I hope she is OK. If anyone is in touch with her can you pass on my best wishes.
    Originally posted by mumps
    I noticed this the other day. I too hope she is OK as it was one year since her husband died, a couple of days ago. I'm unable to get in touch with her. Quite worried about her
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • mumps
    • By mumps 18th Oct 16, 8:19 AM
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    mumps
    I noticed this the other day. I too hope she is OK as it was one year since her husband died, a couple of days ago. I'm unable to get in touch with her. Quite worried about her
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    I thought the same.
    Sell £1500

    2831.00/£1500
    • kittie
    • By kittie 18th Oct 16, 3:26 PM
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    kittie
    yikes, my carving lessons are stopping in a few months, he is moving away. So I will be back to square one with reaching ouwards. Everyone in the class is devastated.

    LL how are you? I was getting worried about you. Progress on your journey seems to have stalled a bit. Maybe you need to take a few steps back and pamper yourself for a while. You sound a little bit vulnerable just now

    I had irritated eyes again today and just cottoned on that they are feeling dry. I am sure that it is dry air in the house and also that I forget to blink when on the computer. I just put a humidifier on, one of those that sterilise the water vapour and at 55 it is still pumping the vapour out. Tonight I am going to keep my eyes more moist with a mask and the humidifier is going into my bedroom. I should have realised earlier because I was sneezing but no cold and my nose felt dry

    I find I am going back into my bubble in the evenings now. Killing time to bedtime
    • elona
    • By elona 18th Oct 16, 8:17 PM
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    elona
    I have started reading again as before I did not seem to have the concentration. A book I would normally read in one go over a couple of hours would take me a day or two which is not like me at all.

    I managed to move a couple of airers into the integral garage this morning and also moved my new dri buddi there to get laundry dry without being obtrusive. Managed to cook a large tray of tarragon chicken with mash on top and portioned up a couple of containers ready to freeze.

    Blinds in the living room and bedroom should be fitted tomorrow which should be much more cosy and once that is done will see dd to celebrate her birthday and have a nice meal then have all the family round at the weekend as well.

    I have spent months meaning to safety pin and shorten the full length curtains in the bedroom and living room and might eventually get it done once the blinds are fitted.

    Is it too early in the season to want to hibernate?

    Kittie

    Is there anyone else the carving person can suggest?

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 18th Oct 16, 10:47 PM
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    Mrs Money
    Sorry to hear about your carving lessons Kittie - as Elona says- can he recommend someone else?
    I'm still hunting for opportunities and coming to a dead end. No groups near me for anything I seem to be looking up! My postcode searches on various organisations' websites bring up locations 30 miles plus away. Not a drive I would want in the dark winter months.
    Elona, I was reading a book when my husband died - it's still on my bedside table untouched. Also most unlike me. I'm thinking of putting it in the charity bag - it can't really have been that interesting, is my take on it! I also can't settle to a book and am just leafing through magazines.
    Tomorrow I must achieve something more - today I just tidied a cupboard and posted a parcel! But at least I got something done I suppose!
    • elona
    • By elona 19th Oct 16, 9:28 AM
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    elona
    MrsM

    There are still days it is an achievement just to get dressed and pop out for a pint of milk.

    I found that if I re read books by my favourite authors (covering crime, sci fi, fantasy, historical novels and action thrillers) it felt less of an effort to "get into" and comforting.

    I have not driven for years so am dependent on bus services. Fortunately there is a good service to Leeds and York so I am not stranded.

    The man to fit the new blinds should be here in half an hour and once that is done I am meeting a dd for her birthday meal out with me. The rest of the family are coming down to celebrate on Saturday so looks like a busy day.

    Would a local library have details of clubs and societies?

    Hugs to all.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 19th Oct 16, 9:55 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Good morning everyone.

    Kittie. Sorry to hear about your carving. What a shame when you enjoy it so much. Hope something turns up for you.

    And Kittie, thanks for your concern. You are right I have dipped a bit this last couple of weeks but I think I'm coming out of it now. I think it was just a combination of factors, not being able to find a house, still struggling with my car crash injuries........I guess it just made me miss my darling all the more. My sons are wonderful but I don't want to lean on them so I do tend to bottle things up and put on a cheery face. It's only on here where I let my guard down.

    Anyway, I have decided to stop fretting over the house purchase - it will take as long as it takes. I need to get it right. Instead I am to concentrate on sorting out some health issues, nothing major but I do need to get fitter and healthier.

    I have nearly come to the end of my course of Physio and although my pelvis and lower back have responded well I am still struggling with my shoulders and neck. I need to devote more time to my Physio homework exercises and do more yoga etc. It's so painful though, I have to really force myself. It's not just the car crash injuries, it's also the years of caring - all that lifting etc - It has wrecked my body........hey ho, can't be helped. I just need to put the work in. It's very time consuming though but if I want to get fit and healthy I'm just going to have to make the extra effort and find the time and more importantly, the will power.

    Unfortunately, like everyone else on here I am finding it very hard to get any motivation to do anything much. A full blown fitness programme seems such a big ask. All I can say is I have come to have a real new found respect for athletes and sportspeople for their commitment and dedication. Even celebrities who put the work in to keep their bodies in peak condition......they must be so focussed. Prior to his illness my husband was fit, strong and athletic. I mustn't let him down. Lol.

    I'm afrAid I've had a another body blow this week. Looks like my dad's cancer is back. He had lung cancer 13 years ago, had half a lung removed and has done well. But he has been having problems with his throat and is coughing - anyway they've found a lump......further investigations needed. TBH he looks like a walking cadaver and at 90 the prognosis is not likely to be good.

    He lives with my sister and her husband is not too well either, again we are not sure what's going on. BIL sees a consultant on Monday. I know this sounds awful but I absolutey dread having to deal with more death and sickness. I don't wish to sound horrible but Ive just had enough. Of course I will do all I can to help my sister but in all honestlyI just feel like running away.

    Hey ho.......one bridge at a time.

    Today I am goIng to head off out in my little car. Poop poop......lol. I might treat myself to some spring bulbs for the garden.

    I have also started buying myself flowers again. My husband would often rock up with an unexpected bunch of flowers. I would jokingly ask what misdeameanour he had committed. He would reply "nothing yet, it's just an insurance Policy for my next faux pas". I do miss his humour and wit.

    So, in his memory, I am buying my own flowers.
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