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  • FIRST POST
    • kittie
    • By kittie 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
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    kittie
    A support thread for the bereaved
    • #1
    • 27th Feb 15, 5:29 AM
    A support thread for the bereaved 27th Feb 15 at 5:29 AM
    I started the thread when I was very suddenly widowed, early 2015. Since then in 20 months I have lost another two much loved family members, so I have been through the mill, everything looked so very bleak at the start of my journey

    Please use the thread if you need help in coping with a close bereavement. That is exactly why the thread was started
    Last edited by kittie; 08-05-2017 at 7:06 AM.
Page 100
    • poppy811
    • By poppy811 17th Oct 16, 11:29 AM
    • 24 Posts
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    poppy811
    Thank you
    Thanks to you both for your kindness. I think you have to have experienced loss to know how it feels. I think I thought things would slowly improve I was not prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions. I have a viewing on my house at lunchtime which motivated me to hoover and tidy.
    • elona
    • By elona 17th Oct 16, 2:03 PM
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    elona
    poppy

    It is a roller coaster but not always the same one and it can feel like one step forward two steps back at times as well.

    gentle hug and good luck with the viewing.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • warby68
    • By warby68 17th Oct 16, 2:17 PM
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    warby68
    I just want to say thanks to the ladies (mainly) here for sharing their real life stories.

    I'm not a widow but I have been supporting my mum through the loss of her second husband roughly 12m ago. She is 81, has no other family and had never lived alone her whole life before this. I live an hour away and she has numerous health issues so there are many challenges.

    I have been reading the thread for ideas and understanding and it is all much appreciated.

    Maybe I could return the favour with one (very small) tip - cooking and the desire not to bother - cook something easy that takes a while and smells delicious. A roast chicken is a prime one. My mum says that comforting food smells make the house feel cosy and inviting and a bit less empty (even if she doesn't bother to eat it all after!) I do understand though that it can be a reminder of cooking for greater numbers so not for everyone.

    Kind thoughts to all - you're very brave with your experience here.
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 17th Oct 16, 6:17 PM
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    Mrs Money
    Hello Poppy, and so sorry to hear of your husband's death. Don't expect too much of yourself - it's very early days for you yet. You will find support and encouragement here, and, at times, reassurance that the things you are feeling are "okay" because other people have experienced/are experiencing them.
    It's been 14 months for me now since my husband died. I had a lot going on too ( a huge, problematic extension on my house) and it's now that I am feeling very down indeed. Don't expect your feelings to progress constantly- I feel that loneliness, that yearning that people speak of. I also feel bad in the mornings at the moment but a couple of months ago I didn't feel so bad. But a few months before that I actually thought I may have depression and was wondering if I should see my GP (unsympathetic though he is) It is indeed a roller coaster. We have no choice other than to ride with it.
    LL I too, feel I'm treading water. I am a bit isolated and don't have the kind of friends that I see regularly- more like 2 or 3 acquaintances (but known them for years) I suppose, who seem to have to book in our lunches or coffee get togethers weeks or months in advance- which makes me feel a little unimportant to them.
    I don't have an aim in mind, but am slogging through each day, living in the moment, hoping something will change! But then I am reminded of a saying that I have often quoted to others; "If you want something to change, change something!"
    Easy to say...
    • kittie
    • By kittie 17th Oct 16, 7:48 PM
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    kittie
    welcome here poppy, I am so sorry, you will find help and friends on this thread. The first few months are dreadful, just try to stay healthy for the journey ahead. I remember going on a bus at your stage when the pain was awful. I deliberately sat behind two older women, who looked as though they might be widowed and I got talking to them. They said that I would indeed learn to live with the pain, that it would get less. That is all I wanted to hear at that stage. Come on here if you just want to talk, if you want to scream, we know what you are going through

    I feel as though I am treading water too but I am trying not to think about it. We are all dealing with circumstances in different ways, I know that my strategy is to keep busy and I rarely sit quietly with a book any more, I cannot settle. It seems that we are all needing a focus and LL that is what you are searching for

    I awoke through the night again but suddenly realised why I was restless, it was a full moon and honestly I always get restless at that time. The energy seems to affect me even though my bedroom is very dark.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 17th Oct 16, 9:03 PM
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    mumps
    Just noticed MissBiggles1 has been PPRd. Don't know what happened but I hope she is OK. If anyone is in touch with her can you pass on my best wishes.
    Sell £1500

    2831.00/£1500
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 18th Oct 16, 7:33 AM
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    seven-day-weekend
    Just noticed MissBiggles1 has been PPRd. Don't know what happened but I hope she is OK. If anyone is in touch with her can you pass on my best wishes.
    Originally posted by mumps
    I noticed this the other day. I too hope she is OK as it was one year since her husband died, a couple of days ago. I'm unable to get in touch with her. Quite worried about her
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • mumps
    • By mumps 18th Oct 16, 8:19 AM
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    mumps
    I noticed this the other day. I too hope she is OK as it was one year since her husband died, a couple of days ago. I'm unable to get in touch with her. Quite worried about her
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    I thought the same.
    Sell £1500

    2831.00/£1500
    • kittie
    • By kittie 18th Oct 16, 3:26 PM
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    kittie
    yikes, my carving lessons are stopping in a few months, he is moving away. So I will be back to square one with reaching ouwards. Everyone in the class is devastated.

    LL how are you? I was getting worried about you. Progress on your journey seems to have stalled a bit. Maybe you need to take a few steps back and pamper yourself for a while. You sound a little bit vulnerable just now

    I had irritated eyes again today and just cottoned on that they are feeling dry. I am sure that it is dry air in the house and also that I forget to blink when on the computer. I just put a humidifier on, one of those that sterilise the water vapour and at 55 it is still pumping the vapour out. Tonight I am going to keep my eyes more moist with a mask and the humidifier is going into my bedroom. I should have realised earlier because I was sneezing but no cold and my nose felt dry

    I find I am going back into my bubble in the evenings now. Killing time to bedtime
    • elona
    • By elona 18th Oct 16, 8:17 PM
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    elona
    I have started reading again as before I did not seem to have the concentration. A book I would normally read in one go over a couple of hours would take me a day or two which is not like me at all.

    I managed to move a couple of airers into the integral garage this morning and also moved my new dri buddi there to get laundry dry without being obtrusive. Managed to cook a large tray of tarragon chicken with mash on top and portioned up a couple of containers ready to freeze.

    Blinds in the living room and bedroom should be fitted tomorrow which should be much more cosy and once that is done will see dd to celebrate her birthday and have a nice meal then have all the family round at the weekend as well.

    I have spent months meaning to safety pin and shorten the full length curtains in the bedroom and living room and might eventually get it done once the blinds are fitted.

    Is it too early in the season to want to hibernate?

    Kittie

    Is there anyone else the carving person can suggest?

    Hugs to all
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 18th Oct 16, 10:47 PM
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    Mrs Money
    Sorry to hear about your carving lessons Kittie - as Elona says- can he recommend someone else?
    I'm still hunting for opportunities and coming to a dead end. No groups near me for anything I seem to be looking up! My postcode searches on various organisations' websites bring up locations 30 miles plus away. Not a drive I would want in the dark winter months.
    Elona, I was reading a book when my husband died - it's still on my bedside table untouched. Also most unlike me. I'm thinking of putting it in the charity bag - it can't really have been that interesting, is my take on it! I also can't settle to a book and am just leafing through magazines.
    Tomorrow I must achieve something more - today I just tidied a cupboard and posted a parcel! But at least I got something done I suppose!
    • elona
    • By elona 19th Oct 16, 9:28 AM
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    elona
    MrsM

    There are still days it is an achievement just to get dressed and pop out for a pint of milk.

    I found that if I re read books by my favourite authors (covering crime, sci fi, fantasy, historical novels and action thrillers) it felt less of an effort to "get into" and comforting.

    I have not driven for years so am dependent on bus services. Fortunately there is a good service to Leeds and York so I am not stranded.

    The man to fit the new blinds should be here in half an hour and once that is done I am meeting a dd for her birthday meal out with me. The rest of the family are coming down to celebrate on Saturday so looks like a busy day.

    Would a local library have details of clubs and societies?

    Hugs to all.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 19th Oct 16, 9:55 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Good morning everyone.

    Kittie. Sorry to hear about your carving. What a shame when you enjoy it so much. Hope something turns up for you.

    And Kittie, thanks for your concern. You are right I have dipped a bit this last couple of weeks but I think I'm coming out of it now. I think it was just a combination of factors, not being able to find a house, still struggling with my car crash injuries........I guess it just made me miss my darling all the more. My sons are wonderful but I don't want to lean on them so I do tend to bottle things up and put on a cheery face. It's only on here where I let my guard down.

    Anyway, I have decided to stop fretting over the house purchase - it will take as long as it takes. I need to get it right. Instead I am to concentrate on sorting out some health issues, nothing major but I do need to get fitter and healthier.

    I have nearly come to the end of my course of Physio and although my pelvis and lower back have responded well I am still struggling with my shoulders and neck. I need to devote more time to my Physio homework exercises and do more yoga etc. It's so painful though, I have to really force myself. It's not just the car crash injuries, it's also the years of caring - all that lifting etc - It has wrecked my body........hey ho, can't be helped. I just need to put the work in. It's very time consuming though but if I want to get fit and healthy I'm just going to have to make the extra effort and find the time and more importantly, the will power.

    Unfortunately, like everyone else on here I am finding it very hard to get any motivation to do anything much. A full blown fitness programme seems such a big ask. All I can say is I have come to have a real new found respect for athletes and sportspeople for their commitment and dedication. Even celebrities who put the work in to keep their bodies in peak condition......they must be so focussed. Prior to his illness my husband was fit, strong and athletic. I mustn't let him down. Lol.

    I'm afrAid I've had a another body blow this week. Looks like my dad's cancer is back. He had lung cancer 13 years ago, had half a lung removed and has done well. But he has been having problems with his throat and is coughing - anyway they've found a lump......further investigations needed. TBH he looks like a walking cadaver and at 90 the prognosis is not likely to be good.

    He lives with my sister and her husband is not too well either, again we are not sure what's going on. BIL sees a consultant on Monday. I know this sounds awful but I absolutey dread having to deal with more death and sickness. I don't wish to sound horrible but Ive just had enough. Of course I will do all I can to help my sister but in all honestlyI just feel like running away.

    Hey ho.......one bridge at a time.

    Today I am goIng to head off out in my little car. Poop poop......lol. I might treat myself to some spring bulbs for the garden.

    I have also started buying myself flowers again. My husband would often rock up with an unexpected bunch of flowers. I would jokingly ask what misdeameanour he had committed. He would reply "nothing yet, it's just an insurance Policy for my next faux pas". I do miss his humour and wit.

    So, in his memory, I am buying my own flowers.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 19th Oct 16, 10:07 AM
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    pollypenny
    Just noticed MissBiggles1 has been PPRd. Don't know what happened but I hope she is OK. If anyone is in touch with her can you pass on my best wishes.
    Originally posted by mumps


    Timing couldn't have been worse, for her PPR! However, she is around and I hope she can come back under her 'proper' name as lots of people enjoy her contributions.

    She is never insulting, but argues a case logically.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • kittie
    • By kittie 19th Oct 16, 10:11 AM
    • 11,294 Posts
    • 63,858 Thanks
    kittie
    Hey ho.......one bridge at a time.

    Today I am goIng to head off out in my little car. Poop poop......lol. I might treat myself to some spring bulbs for the garden.

    I have also started buying myself flowers again..
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    Oh dear LL. yes one bridge at a time and wd on the uplifting flowers. We all have to remember that the coming winter darkness will be adding to our psychology, making it worse, so something that would be good to prepare for

    A good sleep last night, even after an hour long doze in my new comfy chair, humidifier was on all night and so there was a little white noise, which helped

    Money: I am with plusnet and got an e mail this morning to let me know that £6 more is leaving my account every month, just for broadband. So yes I have been on the phone and will have to think about transferring line rental to them in a couple of months. The total combined package will be cheaper but I hate the way they try to screw money out of us. We have the same maintenance, slightly lower electricity and water, a bit lower council tax. Same insurances, home heating, car costs, broadband. It is proportionately much more expensive being widowed and at the same time income is reduced. My guaranteed annuity from dh will be stopped in a few months. M/S money is coming into its own, I see my bills ahead, as far as I want and that certainly helps to budget

    I went back to my alternative medicine training last night and took a remedy for my dry gritty eyes and yes, guess what, it is one very commonly given for grief. So this grief of mine is still causing problems.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 19th Oct 16, 12:49 PM
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    mumps
    Sorry to hear about your carving lessons Kittie - as Elona says- can he recommend someone else?
    I'm still hunting for opportunities and coming to a dead end. No groups near me for anything I seem to be looking up! My postcode searches on various organisations' websites bring up locations 30 miles plus away. Not a drive I would want in the dark winter months.
    Elona, I was reading a book when my husband died - it's still on my bedside table untouched. Also most unlike me. I'm thinking of putting it in the charity bag - it can't really have been that interesting, is my take on it! I also can't settle to a book and am just leafing through magazines.
    Tomorrow I must achieve something more - today I just tidied a cupboard and posted a parcel! But at least I got something done I suppose!
    Originally posted by Mrs Money
    Well I think tidying a cupboard and posting a parcel sounds like an achievement. I've been struggling with shingles for about ten days, the pain is terrible and I am hopeless with pain killers so I am just suffering, trying to be silent but not always succeeding! Just at the moment I feel like I have achieved something major as I have had a bath and washed my hair which was a real effort.

    I've got to the stage with books that if it isn't gripping me it goes. In years gone by I felt duty bound to finish a book if I started it but I am quite ruthless now.

    Do you have any old favourites? If I am feeling down I tend to reread a Georgette Heyer book, generally they aren't my sort of book as I like crime/espionage/intrigue/court rooms and that is nothing like Georgette Heyer but her heroines make me smile and if you are feeling down that is what counts.

    It must be infuriating that you can't find any clubs or activities near you. Have you thought of trying something that wouldn't normally appeal just to see what its like. I'm thinking of trying Pilates, don't know why as its not really my sort of thing but just thought it might be interesting.
    Sell £1500

    2831.00/£1500
    • mumps
    • By mumps 19th Oct 16, 12:52 PM
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    mumps
    Timing couldn't have been worse, for her PPR! However, she is around and I hope she can come back under her 'proper' name as lots of people enjoy her contributions.

    She is never insulting, but argues a case logically.
    Originally posted by pollypenny
    I hope she's back soon. I agree with her on lots of things and completely disagree on others but wouldn't the world be boring if we all just agreed on everything.
    Sell £1500

    2831.00/£1500
    • Mrs Money
    • By Mrs Money 19th Oct 16, 1:27 PM
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    Mrs Money
    LL so sorry to hear about your dad. I'm going through something similar with my mum- although no diagnosis yet just scans and hospital appts and my dad has just had to go into care. I'm upset of course, but like you I can't face any more illness, hospital visits and sadness. I'm looking at it all as if from behind glass and my subconscious brain won't let me connect with any of it - I'm just not getting involved...
    I miss my husband's sense of humour too. When I look back down the years I just see us laughing and joking the whole time despite setbacks! He used to buy me flowers too - although he had the idea that most men bought their wives flowers when they'd done something wrong! Think that may have been a hangover from his childhood memories of his parents. He also used to joke "Life's a !!!!! and then you die!" I'm now feeling there's more than a grain of truth in that...
    Mumps shingles is horrible, I've heard, and hopefully in a few weeks you'll be recovered. I'm also giving up on books now if they don't grab me - life's too short! I'm thinking of Pilates but have a knee injury from doing something silly in the garden months ago. Got to go to the doctors I suppose. So exercise apart from gentle walks, is out for a while.
    Kittie I'm looking at bills etc now and whilst I'll be better off when I get the state pension, I worry about the future too as bills inevitably go up over the years. I also have a substantial amount of work to do in an around my house which will cost a good deal as I have to pay someone to do anything now, that I (or my sons) can't do. We bought this house because we liked the location and all the work needed was do-able by my husband (with me labouring for him) and it was going to be a retirement project, doing things as and when we could afford them. Now of course I don't have his expertise or his income - a double whammy. And semi retired "handymen" no longer seem to exist here, with most tradesmen wanting £200 a day for labour costs!
    Elona I'm so glad I'm not the only one who struggles to get up and "going" some mornings! The way I look at it is - I get up when I need the loo in the morning and I could get back into bed, but I don't allow myself to. I just get up and keep going. So I feel I'm not doing that badly!
    Last edited by Mrs Money; 19-10-2016 at 1:31 PM.
    • mumps
    • By mumps 19th Oct 16, 1:47 PM
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    mumps
    LL so sorry to hear about your dad. I'm going through something similar with my mum- although no diagnosis yet just scans and hospital appts and my dad has just had to go into care. I'm upset of course, but like you I can't face any more illness, hospital visits and sadness. I'm looking at it all as if from behind glass and my subconscious brain won't let me connect with any of it - I'm just not getting involved...
    I miss my husband's sense of humour too. When I look back down the years I just see us laughing and joking the whole time despite setbacks! He used to buy me flowers too - although he had the idea that most men bought their wives flowers when they'd done something wrong! Think that may have been a hangover from his childhood memories of his parents. He also used to joke "Life's a !!!!! and then you die!" I'm now feeling there's more than a grain of truth in that...
    Mumps shingles is horrible, I've heard, and hopefully in a few weeks you'll be recovered. I'm also giving up on books now if they don't grab me - life's too short! I'm thinking of Pilates but have a knee injury from doing something silly in the garden months ago. Got to go to the doctors I suppose. So exercise apart from gentle walks, is out for a while.
    Kittie I'm looking at bills etc now and whilst I'll be better off when I get the state pension, I worry about the future too as bills inevitably go up over the years. I also have a substantial amount of work to do in an around my house which will cost a good deal as I have to pay someone to do anything now, that I (or my sons) can't do. We bought this house because we liked the location and all the work needed was do-able by my husband (with me labouring for him) and it was going to be a retirement project, doing things as and when we could afford them. Now of course I don't have his expertise or his income - a double whammy. And semi retired "handymen" no longer seem to exist here, with most tradesmen wanting £200 a day for labour costs!
    Elona I'm so glad I'm not the only one who struggles to get up and "going" some mornings! The way I look at it is - I get up when I need the loo in the morning and I could get back into bed, but I don't allow myself to. I just get up and keep going. So I feel I'm not doing that badly!
    Originally posted by Mrs Money
    If I ever feel motivated enough to go to Pilates I will let you know what its like. I think its quite gentle.
    Sell £1500

    2831.00/£1500
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 19th Oct 16, 3:19 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Mumps & mrs Money

    Pilates, TaiChi and some forms of yoga are the gentlest forms of exercise. Basically they are just stretching. If I can manage them anyone can.. As I said my back is ruined and my knees "lock" if I'm not careful. Gawd I sound like a wreck......well truth to be told, I am currently a wreck. Lol. Although, prior to the accident, I was making good progress and my back was improving.

    The only proviso I would make is don't just do it yourself, you need to go to a nice small class so that the instructor can monitor you to ensure you are doing it properly md not hurting yourself.

    Tell them about about problem ares such as knees etc and they will tell you which exercise to avoid. My Pilates instructor used to just say to sit this one out.

    Go to a beginners class. You will probably find you are not the oldest person there Nor the only one with knee or back problems.

    If you really can't manage yet then maybe start with swimming - assuming you can swim. The water will support your body so it's practically impossible to injure yourself. And swimming is actually o e if the best forms of exercise, meeting the criteria for the three "s's". strength, stamina and suppleness.

    Mumps. Hope your shingles improves quickly. Very painful.

    Well I have just had a little potter round Sainsbury's. Having a break and then I will get cracking. I'm doing well with the healthy eating at the moment. I bought some sardines for the cat but he turned his nose up so I had them for lunch........waste not, want not. Lol. Anyway that's one of my portions of oily fish for this week......so all good.
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