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  • FIRST POST
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 27th Aug 14, 10:22 PM
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    NoOneAround
    Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK
    • #1
    • 27th Aug 14, 10:22 PM
    Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK 27th Aug 14 at 10:22 PM
    Bewildered, confused, terrified that will lose everything we have worked so hard to build up. Over 70 K unsecured debt and 28K owed to family. Have been self employed for 10 years but business gradually gone down hill in recession. partner went back t o work, on good salary 47K but not enough, plus some money still coming in from business/part time jobs. Have 3 years left of independent school fees (yes we could pull child out but it would destroy him - please don't judge), older child about to go to university and we won't be able to provide much support. Talked to debt charity earlier this year and wrote to some creditors but not all - kept thinking things would improve but they haven't yet, so now need to do the rest - wish I had listened and acted fully 6 months ago. Better late than never I guess. Desperately looking for a job but too stressed to produce good applications. Sleep deprivation and now relationship problems. Have a decent house but don't want to downsize as have elderly parents with health issues who will need our support and probably move in with us. Health beginning to suffer. Don't know how we got ourselves into this state - well educated, professionals, feel totally ashamed, so keep up the pretences with everyone that everything is hunky dory. So sad and depressed.
Page 92
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 11th Oct 17, 10:13 AM
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    NoOneAround
    Morning All, very grey drizzly day here, no pegging out today should have done the washing yesterday. But DD and I did go for a lovely walk in local NT place - it was beautiful, trees just turning, warm enough not to need a coat.

    Hey Cherry, hope you had a good and much need holiday thanks for posting and the hugs and coffee, yes it seems we are much in the same place. I never realised the depth of emotion one would feel at the loss of a parent. I had helped/listened to friends in the past who had been through this, felt so sad for them but never actually understood. Not everyone understands where I'm at.

    My buying for family isn't has brave as it sounds - work/school shirts are exactly that - same size same multi packs, white or blue, kept waiting for discount offer but one never comes for essentials Like wise with suit trousers - DS had already chosen suit and is wearing it, this was the second pair of trousers to go with it, so no risk involved! The three items for DD were risky but I can return within 14 days. But it turns out she adores the dress, fits perfectly and can dress down or up. If she didn't want it I had planned to chop of top and make it into a skirt for me She is ok with the vest top (for slouching at home, it was 75p so I could use it for dusting if nothing else) The hoodie top fitted but she doesn't like so that will go back. 2/3 isn't bad so success all round

    Probate stuff - have done bits and pieces in a very bitty way over months, just need to have a push to bring it all together in an official way. I think I probably have all the info, bits of the forms are completed, Just find it very upsetting. I find its the same when I go to see Mum- she just wants to clear out and dump stuff, but there is a lot of things that I/my sisters might want to keep, quite tricky to manage. She's there and wants change, we are away and want things to stay the same, or at least retain some of those things so treasured by Dad, too much to explain.

    Mum coming over solved it self for the time being, I asked if she wanted to come and stay for a few days while I was there at the weekend, she declined because she volunteers and one of the team are away for a month so she is needed. So relieved.
    Mum never sits still, she would want to help me do everything, but she also doesn't know when to stop. One time she start cleaning the windows here despite my pleas not to start, because I couldn't help her -I had SE work to do. She went ahead anyway, and didn't stop after a few, she carried on, and the did her back/shoulder in. She doesn't know how to pace herself. She is very well meaning and wants to help, but you end up working to her agenda rather than your own! It's given me a breather to do a bit more, a bit at a time. Just tired of it all.

    Flowers are my thing. I have been buying regularly - £5-6 every 7-10 days is my guilty pleasure, on dining table messy or not, because that room is in the middle of the house and you have to pass it whereever you go in the house. On one year anniversary of losing Dad I spent £25 on roses. They were beautiful the brightest I could find that day and lasted 2 and a half weeks.

    I didn't do the forms again yesterday, apart from taking all the paperwork out and looking through it, but I have left it out to tackle this week, as from next week I have 3 weeks full time work at part time job so it will get hectic again.

    I best get productive, this was meant to be a quick post
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
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    • Cherryfudge
    • By Cherryfudge 11th Oct 17, 11:25 AM
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    Cherryfudge
    The flowers sound lovely - my parents loved flowers too and I get a lot of happiness from having inherited their taste!

    I'm glad you don't have to worry about a visit from Mum. She sounds very energetic! I know what you mean about ending up working to her agenda rather than the other way around because I know people who are like that, too. My mum was the opposite: her health didn't allow her to be energetic and she would much rather people spent time with her but that was frustrating when there were practical things we really needed to do.

    People seem to experience loss of a parent in different ways, I don't know if we can ever automatically understand how others feel. Does your Mum know you and your sisters would like to keep some of your Dad's things? And will there be an opportunity to get together to distribute some of them? In the meantime maybe you could take photos so you can revisit them.

    Hope today is productive. Even just taking out the forms and looking at them yesterday will have done some of the probate work because it will help you launch in once you have time.
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 11th Oct 17, 1:54 PM
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    NoOneAround
    Just popping by with a cuppa between plodding on

    1) Its brightened up and washing is out after all , 2nd load in.
    2) Mail is sorted and binned or filed
    3) Quote typed up for new client, ready to post at school pick up time, fingers crossed, need it to come off to keep pipeline of work flowing.
    4)Chased up non delivery of essential office supplies - only received part order waiting to hear.
    5) 30 mins on voluntary work admin - going to keep on top of this now I have caught up.
    6) Bit of a hitch with mum's energy transfer - one of the readings doesn't appear to be registering - will check again in a couple of days.
    7) Cleared table of gradual build up - new cloth on ready for DS birthday tonight - nothing fancy we'll go out for a meal on Friday I let him fill the trolley yesterday - we'll all be on a sugar high tonight!
    Not as productive as wanted to be but progress, lots of essential bits done.

    Cherry Mum does know, bt she finds it very frustrating. There are lots of books Dad collected but couldn't see enough to read for the last few years. Loads of keepsakes, old letters, I found his old school results slips, silver jubilee street party bits and certificates for us, I could go on and on. It all tells a beautiful story. It feels like it should be kept together. Not an issue at the moment. None of us even want to talk about it yet, we just know we want to keep. I also have in mind (big project! to get all photos organised and scanned so that we all have all of them. Wish money/work weren't a problem - they get in the way of what I want to be doing (along with perhaps 99% of the population!).
    Hey Ho, back to plodding....
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • Cherryfudge
    • By Cherryfudge 11th Oct 17, 3:41 PM
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    Cherryfudge
    I'm guessing no one has the room to find a holding space for all the memories and treasures? We have a similar problem... except without the Silver Jubilee stuff. Mum made me dress up in fancy dress for the street parade and as I was 14, you can imagine the indignation!

    I hope the new client likes their quote.
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 11th Oct 17, 4:31 PM
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    NoOneAround
    luckily no photos of me, I missed it as suspected german measles which amounted to nothing was soooo disappointed - but i was at primary school still and no clue about fashion! they still gave me the certificate and sisters brought back a goodie bag for me

    I do have room, but at the moment it feels right to leave it there? probably doesn't make any sense to anyone else. Also feel
    I need to make a suitable space first - feels wrong to box up and put in loft at the moment.

    Oops - school pick up time - must dash
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 13th Oct 17, 1:27 PM
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    NoOneAround
    Its a go slow sort of day but I have managed to contact close (local) friends that I haven't seen for best part of 3 years (and have felt very guilty about) and invited them out tonight when we go for DS birthday meal tonight - They were thrilled to hear from me, and accepted straight away - hope its broken the ice (which is all in my head) to try and start socialising a bit more. I have ordered and received by email vouchers to pay for the food (£100) - They were (are) really close friends and I feel better already for having done this have felt so guilty for so long.

    Have a great weekend everyone, It's meant to be a warm one
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • redofromstart
    • By redofromstart 14th Oct 17, 10:36 AM
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    redofromstart
    I am impressed - I find it really hard to break the ice like that, and of course the longer it goes on the harder it gets. I hope you have a lovely time.
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 21st Oct 17, 11:29 AM
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    NoOneAround
    Morning All

    Thank Redo, I did do a post during the week late one night but our snailmail broadband died and I lost it We did have a lovely time, and it was good to make that connection again, will now try and maintain
    Flying visit as I have a lot to get done this weekend. Busy busy week at part time job so out much of the time, luckily in a bit of a lull with SE work waiting for things to come back.
    We also got invited by a parent at school whose son gets on well with mine, for family dinner - it was hard to avoid - I got so worked up about it during the week, but it ended up being very pleasant, but now I feel under pressure to invite back and I don't feel ready - always bit more formal when its building new friendships? and I have got out of the habit.

    Back later tonight hopefully
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • brizzledfw
    • By brizzledfw 21st Oct 17, 10:33 PM
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    brizzledfw
    Just catching up NOA - new relationships can be tricky and yes take effort. But are probably worth it. You can keep the return dinner simple and frugal. Can PM you some ideas if necessary.

    Have a great weekend x
    MFiT-T4 Member No. 96 - 2022 is my MF goal
    Winter 17/18 Savings Rate Goal: 25% [October 30%]
    Declutter 200 items before 31.01.18 xx/200 ** LSDs Target 10 for Winter 0x/10 **AFDs xx/15 ** Sales Target '17 £750 £225 so far
    **NSDs Target 10 for Winter xx/10 Trying to be a Frugalista
    • Cherryfudge
    • By Cherryfudge 22nd Oct 17, 12:26 AM
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    Cherryfudge
    It really sounds as though you're rushed off your feet at the moment so perhaps you could say so to your new friend and add that once things calm down, it would be nice if they could come round to yours for tea. That would buy you time, and to extend the gap why not suggest going for a coffee around school run time (just so long as it doesn't become an expensive habit!).
    • brizzledfw
    • By brizzledfw 28th Oct 17, 4:16 PM
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    brizzledfw
    Hope you've had a good week x
    MFiT-T4 Member No. 96 - 2022 is my MF goal
    Winter 17/18 Savings Rate Goal: 25% [October 30%]
    Declutter 200 items before 31.01.18 xx/200 ** LSDs Target 10 for Winter 0x/10 **AFDs xx/15 ** Sales Target '17 £750 £225 so far
    **NSDs Target 10 for Winter xx/10 Trying to be a Frugalista
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 29th Oct 17, 8:08 PM
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    NoOneAround
    Just catching up NOA - new relationships can be tricky and yes take effort. But are probably worth it. You can keep the return dinner simple and frugal. Can PM you some ideas if necessary.

    Have a great weekend x
    Originally posted by brizzledfw
    Hi Brizzle, Just a flying visit again. Thanks that's really kind -always nice to get new ideas! I know you are busy though so no immediate rush.
    Work v busy plus hectic weekend with lots of driving - over 12 hrs
    will update during week.
    Hope all good your end
    xx
    NOA
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 29th Oct 17, 8:11 PM
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    NoOneAround
    It really sounds as though you're rushed off your feet at the moment so perhaps you could say so to your new friend and add that once things calm down, it would be nice if they could come round to yours for tea. That would buy you time, and to extend the gap why not suggest going for a coffee around school run time (just so long as it doesn't become an expensive habit!).
    Originally posted by Cherryfudge
    Hi Cheery
    That's a good idea too, as she works near school anyway will try that, I can put it off at least a month as we have a month of family birthdays coming up .....
    Hope all well with you.
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • Cherryfudge
    • By Cherryfudge 30th Oct 17, 2:38 PM
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    Cherryfudge
    Hi Cheery
    That's a good idea too, as she works near school anyway will try that, I can put it off at least a month as we have a month of family birthdays coming up .....
    Hope all well with you.
    NOA
    x
    Originally posted by NoOneAround
    I'm busy as ever NOA, but I'm fine thanks. Family birthday have their uses.

    Look after yourself.
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 7th Nov 17, 11:30 AM
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    NoOneAround
    Good morning
    Trouble with being out of habit of posting is that you lose track and I don't know where to start.
    Everything is ticking over slowly and time is flying by. Part time job has been full on, with SE work interspersed evenings and weekends.
    This is my first day of fin ages, and work wise it is a reasonably quiet week, which gives me time to catch up on everything that's been neglected.
    Took Mum to a wedding she needed to go to many miles away, which took up whole weekend. She ended up staying overnight with us so I could break up the driving. It was only overnight and it went OK because we were all so tired, I managed not to have a major meltdown, just avoided talking about Dad. She did mention in conversation about various jobs in the garden and at home. She doesn't do it in a mean way - she just does not realize how sensitive I am to it. I managed to keep my responses light and not get worked up about it. eg the loose slab on step that needs repairing (from over 2 years ago), the weeds in the gutters that need clearing, the pile of leaves on patio/garden), though I did say casually that I'm never home to do or to arrange for those things to be done, and she agreed. Maybe it was a good thing for her to see, but it feels mean to be thinking that.

    Was at home this weekend just gone though. Saturday was voluntary work in the morning, taxi-ing for DS, and washing, then sleeping through film I wanted to watch in the evening, followed by a full 6 hours sleep in bed (unheard of!). Sunday was a cold but beautiful day and I spent 4 hours pottering in the garden doing a few little jobs, not much achieved in the grand scheme of things except the peace of being outside.

    SE work has been ticking over very nicely with a steady cashflow this year, quietening down a bit now Bank balance has been looking good but only until January when tax will all go out. Because I haven't had to juggle to much, I have lost track a bit of where we are, though there are some major purchases in the pipeline eg my car is very old and uneconomical, and DD needs an upgrade as she is commuting.

    We continue to be frugal with spending - to the point that when I called a creditor to give update a couple of weeks ago, (I pay them £5 a month) she asked twice if we were doing OK and if the payment was affordable , as she said that the figure in our budget for food and groceries was lower than average for a household of our size! I am still using the figures StepChange worked out for my budget 3 years ago. Hmmm.

    On health front ticking along but never really feel good. Very frustrated. Don't really expect that to change until all commitments change and I can find more time to actually rest.

    On family front DS is well settled into A levels, DD into her MA. Lovely to have DD at home, she is very much becoming my best friend. I have been very good and try and act as if she is not really living at home so that she can be independent. DS is very loving but I feel a bit dissociated from at the moment - he doesn't talk much, so a bit sad about that. Just a phase I guess - teen boy.

    Wow, that was a long ramble, Sorry ....but my brain feels shed loads lighter
    Have a lovely Day
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • Cherryfudge
    • By Cherryfudge 7th Nov 17, 11:59 AM
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    Cherryfudge
    It was probably positive that your Mum has now been to your house and you managed to make the point about not being there to see to little jobs that want doing. Well done for keeping your cool!

    How lovely to have your DD at home and be on such good terms. Treasure it. DSes can be harder to be close to. I'm not sure why but there's that stereotype about girls being more able to talk about their emotions and in my experience that's true. Perhaps doing things together is a key there, but it's so hard to make that happen.

    It sounds as though you could index link the budget StepChange gave you? Of course that only works if income is also index linked but maybe there's a compromise to be reached especially while SE is doing well. Anyway, good to have you back, hope your day goes well.
    Last edited by Cherryfudge; 07-11-2017 at 12:05 PM.
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 7th Nov 17, 4:02 PM
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    NoOneAround
    Today' achievements

    1) Posted in my diary
    2) Went for overdue blood test
    3) Received reminder letter for annual drs review, went back to hospital for another blood test but a least its done, made follow up appts.
    4) Went to local NT for coffee and cake with DD before she left for seminar, bought gift to take when I go to see friend in hospital who has just had surgery - haven't seen her for over 6-7 years, thought I would surprise her
    5) Two loads washing done, but it was too cold and damp outside to line dry, on airer in bathroom waiting for heating to come on tonight.
    6) DD changed for payment for debt that has just changed hands.
    7) Car booked in for check up as there has been an intermittent knocking sound going over bumps
    8) Quote typed up, need to revise before sending out tomorrow.

    So, A few bits and pieces done, nothing major but at least some things ticked off.

    Cherry, Thanks Finding things of common interest very tricky with DS. That's a good idea re: index linking, I do need to sit and review my I and E budget that I send for creditor updates.

    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 8th Nov 17, 8:39 PM
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    NoOneAround
    Hello
    Me again, trying to get back into habit of posting regularly to keep track

    Today's achievements:-
    1) Morning at part time job.
    2) visited friend in hospital - she was Surprised at my out of the blue visit - she's had major surgery. Another friendship rekindled after 6 years - so I will claim lots of points for taking the plunge.
    3) Went into city centre - looked at dishwashers and freezer - will order online after checking TCB site
    4) Had to park miles away for 3 and 2, forget to take my pedometer but reckon approached 12000 steps today. Feet and ankles very achy but am very pleased with myself apart from the fact that I sneaked in a big snickers bar in the car afterwards

    No housework or SE done, on list for tomorrow.

    Will try and get an early night.
    Hope everyone has had a good day.
    NOA
    x
    Last edited by NoOneAround; 09-11-2017 at 10:25 AM.
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 9th Nov 17, 10:29 AM
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    NoOneAround
    Major tackle on probate/tax form today. Just set up spreadsheet to summarise it all to get it straight in my head, filling in form should be relatively simply once that's done and checked through

    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300 Jan17£180,700>OCT17 £173,200
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • Cherryfudge
    • By Cherryfudge 9th Nov 17, 3:44 PM
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    Cherryfudge
    Great progress! It must have meant a lot to your friend that you went to see her, and now hopefully will be able to meet up more often.

    Well done for putting the probate data on a spreadsheet: it will feel better once it's all together. Keep chipping away at it a bit longer and it will all be behind you.
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