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  • FIRST POST
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 27th Aug 14, 10:22 PM
    • 1,551Posts
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    NoOneAround
    Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK
    • #1
    • 27th Aug 14, 10:22 PM
    Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK 27th Aug 14 at 10:22 PM
    Bewildered, confused, terrified that will lose everything we have worked so hard to build up. Over 70 K unsecured debt and 28K owed to family. Have been self employed for 10 years but business gradually gone down hill in recession. partner went back t o work, on good salary 47K but not enough, plus some money still coming in from business/part time jobs. Have 3 years left of independent school fees (yes we could pull child out but it would destroy him - please don't judge), older child about to go to university and we won't be able to provide much support. Talked to debt charity earlier this year and wrote to some creditors but not all - kept thinking things would improve but they haven't yet, so now need to do the rest - wish I had listened and acted fully 6 months ago. Better late than never I guess. Desperately looking for a job but too stressed to produce good applications. Sleep deprivation and now relationship problems. Have a decent house but don't want to downsize as have elderly parents with health issues who will need our support and probably move in with us. Health beginning to suffer. Don't know how we got ourselves into this state - well educated, professionals, feel totally ashamed, so keep up the pretences with everyone that everything is hunky dory. So sad and depressed.
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    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 11th Oct 17, 10:13 AM
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    NoOneAround
    Morning All, very grey drizzly day here, no pegging out today should have done the washing yesterday. But DD and I did go for a lovely walk in local NT place - it was beautiful, trees just turning, warm enough not to need a coat.

    Hey Cherry, hope you had a good and much need holiday thanks for posting and the hugs and coffee, yes it seems we are much in the same place. I never realised the depth of emotion one would feel at the loss of a parent. I had helped/listened to friends in the past who had been through this, felt so sad for them but never actually understood. Not everyone understands where I'm at.

    My buying for family isn't has brave as it sounds - work/school shirts are exactly that - same size same multi packs, white or blue, kept waiting for discount offer but one never comes for essentials Like wise with suit trousers - DS had already chosen suit and is wearing it, this was the second pair of trousers to go with it, so no risk involved! The three items for DD were risky but I can return within 14 days. But it turns out she adores the dress, fits perfectly and can dress down or up. If she didn't want it I had planned to chop of top and make it into a skirt for me She is ok with the vest top (for slouching at home, it was 75p so I could use it for dusting if nothing else) The hoodie top fitted but she doesn't like so that will go back. 2/3 isn't bad so success all round

    Probate stuff - have done bits and pieces in a very bitty way over months, just need to have a push to bring it all together in an official way. I think I probably have all the info, bits of the forms are completed, Just find it very upsetting. I find its the same when I go to see Mum- she just wants to clear out and dump stuff, but there is a lot of things that I/my sisters might want to keep, quite tricky to manage. She's there and wants change, we are away and want things to stay the same, or at least retain some of those things so treasured by Dad, too much to explain.

    Mum coming over solved it self for the time being, I asked if she wanted to come and stay for a few days while I was there at the weekend, she declined because she volunteers and one of the team are away for a month so she is needed. So relieved.
    Mum never sits still, she would want to help me do everything, but she also doesn't know when to stop. One time she start cleaning the windows here despite my pleas not to start, because I couldn't help her -I had SE work to do. She went ahead anyway, and didn't stop after a few, she carried on, and the did her back/shoulder in. She doesn't know how to pace herself. She is very well meaning and wants to help, but you end up working to her agenda rather than your own! It's given me a breather to do a bit more, a bit at a time. Just tired of it all.

    Flowers are my thing. I have been buying regularly - £5-6 every 7-10 days is my guilty pleasure, on dining table messy or not, because that room is in the middle of the house and you have to pass it whereever you go in the house. On one year anniversary of losing Dad I spent £25 on roses. They were beautiful the brightest I could find that day and lasted 2 and a half weeks.

    I didn't do the forms again yesterday, apart from taking all the paperwork out and looking through it, but I have left it out to tackle this week, as from next week I have 3 weeks full time work at part time job so it will get hectic again.

    I best get productive, this was meant to be a quick post
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300Jan16 £190,800 Jan17£180,700
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • Cherryfudge
    • By Cherryfudge 11th Oct 17, 11:25 AM
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    Cherryfudge
    The flowers sound lovely - my parents loved flowers too and I get a lot of happiness from having inherited their taste!

    I'm glad you don't have to worry about a visit from Mum. She sounds very energetic! I know what you mean about ending up working to her agenda rather than the other way around because I know people who are like that, too. My mum was the opposite: her health didn't allow her to be energetic and she would much rather people spent time with her but that was frustrating when there were practical things we really needed to do.

    People seem to experience loss of a parent in different ways, I don't know if we can ever automatically understand how others feel. Does your Mum know you and your sisters would like to keep some of your Dad's things? And will there be an opportunity to get together to distribute some of them? In the meantime maybe you could take photos so you can revisit them.

    Hope today is productive. Even just taking out the forms and looking at them yesterday will have done some of the probate work because it will help you launch in once you have time.
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 11th Oct 17, 1:54 PM
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    NoOneAround
    Just popping by with a cuppa between plodding on

    1) Its brightened up and washing is out after all , 2nd load in.
    2) Mail is sorted and binned or filed
    3) Quote typed up for new client, ready to post at school pick up time, fingers crossed, need it to come off to keep pipeline of work flowing.
    4)Chased up non delivery of essential office supplies - only received part order waiting to hear.
    5) 30 mins on voluntary work admin - going to keep on top of this now I have caught up.
    6) Bit of a hitch with mum's energy transfer - one of the readings doesn't appear to be registering - will check again in a couple of days.
    7) Cleared table of gradual build up - new cloth on ready for DS birthday tonight - nothing fancy we'll go out for a meal on Friday I let him fill the trolley yesterday - we'll all be on a sugar high tonight!
    Not as productive as wanted to be but progress, lots of essential bits done.

    Cherry Mum does know, bt she finds it very frustrating. There are lots of books Dad collected but couldn't see enough to read for the last few years. Loads of keepsakes, old letters, I found his old school results slips, silver jubilee street party bits and certificates for us, I could go on and on. It all tells a beautiful story. It feels like it should be kept together. Not an issue at the moment. None of us even want to talk about it yet, we just know we want to keep. I also have in mind (big project! to get all photos organised and scanned so that we all have all of them. Wish money/work weren't a problem - they get in the way of what I want to be doing (along with perhaps 99% of the population!).
    Hey Ho, back to plodding....
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300Jan16 £190,800 Jan17£180,700
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • Cherryfudge
    • By Cherryfudge 11th Oct 17, 3:41 PM
    • 750 Posts
    • 2,576 Thanks
    Cherryfudge
    I'm guessing no one has the room to find a holding space for all the memories and treasures? We have a similar problem... except without the Silver Jubilee stuff. Mum made me dress up in fancy dress for the street parade and as I was 14, you can imagine the indignation!

    I hope the new client likes their quote.
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 11th Oct 17, 4:31 PM
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    • 7,470 Thanks
    NoOneAround
    luckily no photos of me, I missed it as suspected german measles which amounted to nothing was soooo disappointed - but i was at primary school still and no clue about fashion! they still gave me the certificate and sisters brought back a goodie bag for me

    I do have room, but at the moment it feels right to leave it there? probably doesn't make any sense to anyone else. Also feel
    I need to make a suitable space first - feels wrong to box up and put in loft at the moment.

    Oops - school pick up time - must dash
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300Jan16 £190,800 Jan17£180,700
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 13th Oct 17, 1:27 PM
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    NoOneAround
    Its a go slow sort of day but I have managed to contact close (local) friends that I haven't seen for best part of 3 years (and have felt very guilty about) and invited them out tonight when we go for DS birthday meal tonight - They were thrilled to hear from me, and accepted straight away - hope its broken the ice (which is all in my head) to try and start socialising a bit more. I have ordered and received by email vouchers to pay for the food (£100) - They were (are) really close friends and I feel better already for having done this have felt so guilty for so long.

    Have a great weekend everyone, It's meant to be a warm one
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300Jan16 £190,800 Jan17£180,700
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • redofromstart
    • By redofromstart 14th Oct 17, 10:36 AM
    • 398 Posts
    • 2,053 Thanks
    redofromstart
    I am impressed - I find it really hard to break the ice like that, and of course the longer it goes on the harder it gets. I hope you have a lovely time.
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 21st Oct 17, 11:29 AM
    • 1,551 Posts
    • 7,470 Thanks
    NoOneAround
    Morning All

    Thank Redo, I did do a post during the week late one night but our snailmail broadband died and I lost it We did have a lovely time, and it was good to make that connection again, will now try and maintain
    Flying visit as I have a lot to get done this weekend. Busy busy week at part time job so out much of the time, luckily in a bit of a lull with SE work waiting for things to come back.
    We also got invited by a parent at school whose son gets on well with mine, for family dinner - it was hard to avoid - I got so worked up about it during the week, but it ended up being very pleasant, but now I feel under pressure to invite back and I don't feel ready - always bit more formal when its building new friendships? and I have got out of the habit.

    Back later tonight hopefully
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>01/06/16 £68166>01/04/17 £66,996=7.62%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300Jan16 £190,800 Jan17£180,700
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • brizzledfw
    • By brizzledfw 21st Oct 17, 10:33 PM
    • 7,126 Posts
    • 34,526 Thanks
    brizzledfw
    Just catching up NOA - new relationships can be tricky and yes take effort. But are probably worth it. You can keep the return dinner simple and frugal. Can PM you some ideas if necessary.

    Have a great weekend x
    MFiT-T4 Member No. 96 - 2022 is my MF goal
    October '17 Savings Rate Goal: 25% [August 33%]
    Declutter 100 items before 31.10.17 40/100 ** LSDs Target 5 for October 0x/05 **AFDs xx/15 ** Sales Target '17 £750 £225 so far
    **NSDs Target 5 for October xx/05 Trying to be a Frugalista
    • Cherryfudge
    • By Cherryfudge 22nd Oct 17, 12:26 AM
    • 750 Posts
    • 2,576 Thanks
    Cherryfudge
    It really sounds as though you're rushed off your feet at the moment so perhaps you could say so to your new friend and add that once things calm down, it would be nice if they could come round to yours for tea. That would buy you time, and to extend the gap why not suggest going for a coffee around school run time (just so long as it doesn't become an expensive habit!).
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