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  • FIRST POST
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 27th Aug 14, 10:22 PM
    • 1,436Posts
    • 6,909Thanks
    NoOneAround
    Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK
    • #1
    • 27th Aug 14, 10:22 PM
    Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK 27th Aug 14 at 10:22 PM
    Bewildered, confused, terrified that will lose everything we have worked so hard to build up. Over 70 K unsecured debt and 28K owed to family. Have been self employed for 10 years but business gradually gone down hill in recession. partner went back t o work, on good salary 47K but not enough, plus some money still coming in from business/part time jobs. Have 3 years left of independent school fees (yes we could pull child out but it would destroy him - please don't judge), older child about to go to university and we won't be able to provide much support. Talked to debt charity earlier this year and wrote to some creditors but not all - kept thinking things would improve but they haven't yet, so now need to do the rest - wish I had listened and acted fully 6 months ago. Better late than never I guess. Desperately looking for a job but too stressed to produce good applications. Sleep deprivation and now relationship problems. Have a decent house but don't want to downsize as have elderly parents with health issues who will need our support and probably move in with us. Health beginning to suffer. Don't know how we got ourselves into this state - well educated, professionals, feel totally ashamed, so keep up the pretences with everyone that everything is hunky dory. So sad and depressed.
Page 75
    • chevalier
    • By chevalier 28th Sep 16, 8:05 AM
    • 7,721 Posts
    • 17,915 Thanks
    chevalier
    Aww dang, so sorry to hear that NOA, my condolence.Gentle hugs for both you and your family
    chev
    I want a job that is less than an hour driving away from my house! Are you listening universe?
    • Dolphin1
    • By Dolphin1 30th Sep 16, 11:00 AM
    • 698 Posts
    • 2,409 Thanks
    Dolphin1
    Long time lurker, just de-lurking to say sorry about your dad. Sending hugs!
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 1st Oct 16, 3:36 PM
    • 1,436 Posts
    • 6,909 Thanks
    NoOneAround
    Eco Farmer (chris)
    Puzzcat
    Mrs PG
    Brizzle
    Bob
    Swash
    Dolphin1
    Chev
    Verbatim
    Fortune Smiles
    Hazeldreams
    Buffy
    Stepuptothepl8


    Thank you all so much.
    I really appreciate you all taking the time to post, it means a lot to me. Even though I knew it was going to happen someday, I never realised losing a parent would hurt this much.

    Back home today, looking at a big empty house that was meant to become home for dad and mum so that they wouldn't be alone in their older years. Something dad wanted but mum didn't yet, that never got resolved. Wish I had pushed it more, but also know that perhaps it was never meant to be.

    NOA
    xx
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>24/02/15 £71,730>> 17/02/16 £71073>>01/06/16 £68166>19/07/16 £68004=6.23%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300Jan16 £190,800 Jan17£180,700
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • Igamogam
    • By Igamogam 1st Oct 16, 11:19 PM
    • 5,476 Posts
    • 42,874 Thanks
    Igamogam
    Only just catching up NOA. Such sad news. Condolences to you and your family. Everybody will deal with this differently. Look after each other in the coming days, weeks months, however long it takes.
    Be the change you want to see -with apologies to Gandhi
    In gardens, beauty is a by-product. The main business is sex and death. ~Sam Llewelyn
    'On the internet no one knows you are a cat'
    • chevalier
    • By chevalier 2nd Oct 16, 3:19 AM
    • 7,721 Posts
    • 17,915 Thanks
    chevalier
    It is so strange to realise that they are not there any more. This must be just rotten for you all. Thinking of you
    chev
    I want a job that is less than an hour driving away from my house! Are you listening universe?
    • Bobarella
    • By Bobarella 2nd Oct 16, 11:18 PM
    • 10,287 Posts
    • 65,948 Thanks
    Bobarella
    Life can be so painful. Thinking of you NOA.
    "You're not rich until you have something money can't buy."

    Debt neutral 27/03/17 from £40k in the hole 2012.
    Roadkill 17 £52.96 2016-£62.28 2015- £84.20)
    RYSAW17 £1530.02 2016 £2,535.16 2015 £1027.20
    • *Robin*
    • By *Robin* 3rd Oct 16, 1:44 AM
    • 3,142 Posts
    • 12,332 Thanks
    *Robin*
    So sorry to read your sad news, NOA, (((gentle hugs)))

    Rx
    • Drawingaline
    • By Drawingaline 3rd Oct 16, 11:24 AM
    • 187 Posts
    • 708 Thanks
    Drawingaline
    NOA I have just read your entire diary (well over the past couple of weeks), so so sorry for your bad news, what a point to come in on!

    Gentle (virtual) hugs, remember these things take time, but there also is no timescale.
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 3rd Oct 16, 7:05 PM
    • 1,436 Posts
    • 6,909 Thanks
    NoOneAround
    Igamogam
    Chev
    Bob
    Robin
    Drawingaline

    Thank you so much, your words and hugs so appreciated.

    Have seen and experienced loss/death of close friends and various family members. Felt the sadness and hurt, but this time it's different. It feels like a part of me is missing.

    Today I tried to get back to normal. Did school run and picked up. Worked through a mountain of washing up, and a bag full of mail from last 3 weeks. Did some essential paperwork for mum, posted it at school pick up time.
    3 weeks have already gone by. in the evenings I used to phone home and have pretty much the same conversation everyday. I used to listen to my mum tell of her day, then I'd tell dad of what the weather had been like here, and bits and bobs about the garden. Now it just makes me cry stepping out into the garden, or picking up the phone.
    I've got tomorrow to pull myself together, because I have accepted 3 days of work at my part time marking job. Not sure if its the right thing to do, I had meant to spend another few days with mum, but she didn't want me leaving DS again. Feeling torn.
    Last edited by NoOneAround; 03-10-2016 at 8:40 PM.
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>24/02/15 £71,730>> 17/02/16 £71073>>01/06/16 £68166>19/07/16 £68004=6.23%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300Jan16 £190,800 Jan17£180,700
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • Bobarella
    • By Bobarella 3rd Oct 16, 8:22 PM
    • 10,287 Posts
    • 65,948 Thanks
    Bobarella
    It is so understandable NOA. Even with a bad divorce they say to allow a year for every year you were together to stop grieving. This is your father who was in your life every day for however long. It's going to hurt.

    I do wonder whether work will give you a bit of mental space to focus on something mundane. Or whether it will just be too much for now. I suppose all you can do is try it. Huge hugs.
    "You're not rich until you have something money can't buy."

    Debt neutral 27/03/17 from £40k in the hole 2012.
    Roadkill 17 £52.96 2016-£62.28 2015- £84.20)
    RYSAW17 £1530.02 2016 £2,535.16 2015 £1027.20
    • apple muncher
    • By apple muncher 3rd Oct 16, 8:40 PM
    • 5,734 Posts
    • 41,867 Thanks
    apple muncher
    Sending you hugs, NOA. It's 9 weeks ago today that my dad died. And in these 9 weeks, I have discovered so many parts of my life and surroundings that remind me of him, and bring a fresh set of tears. I feel for you and wish you peace and happy memories. do take time to grieve and be especially kind to yourself.
    NST April #10; NSD 12; Ex 14; craft 66; remove 135
    2017 MFW#63 Pay off: £1720/£4000; 2
    017 sell 30

    Mortgage £27,295 (01/14: £78,201; 01/15: £59,629; 01/16: 39,915; 01/17: 27,295) MFWDate Dec 2018
    • brizzledfw
    • By brizzledfw 3rd Oct 16, 10:49 PM
    • 6,687 Posts
    • 31,981 Thanks
    brizzledfw
    Thinking of you NOA. Take care of yourself and be gentle to yourself ..it'll take so much time to come to terms with your loss. Hope your mum is coping too.

    Suspect work may take your mind off it a little so do it when you can

    Much love and hugs xxx
    MFiT-T4 Member No. 96 - 2022 is my MF goal
    April '17 Savings Rate Goal: 25% [Feb 25%]
    Declutter 50 items before 30.04.17 10/50 ** LSDs Target 5 for April xx/05 **AFDs 04/20 ** Sales Target '17 £750 £80 so far
    **NSDs Target 5 for April 02/05
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 7th Oct 16, 6:46 PM
    • 1,436 Posts
    • 6,909 Thanks
    NoOneAround
    Bob,
    Brizzle,
    applemuncher

    Thank you so much, for your hugs and support. Applemuncher, I'm so sorry about your dad. Hugs to you too. No words.

    I just want everyone - whether posting or not, to know how grateful I am, Not finding it easy to find words at the moment. I will catch up with you all in time, at the moment time keeps ticking on and all I want is for it to stop. But I am thinking of you and I hope that life is treating you well, and that you are spending every moment you can with the people you love.
    Love
    NOA
    x
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>24/02/15 £71,730>> 17/02/16 £71073>>01/06/16 £68166>19/07/16 £68004=6.23%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300Jan16 £190,800 Jan17£180,700
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • chevalier
    • By chevalier 8th Oct 16, 6:32 AM
    • 7,721 Posts
    • 17,915 Thanks
    chevalier
    Still thinking of you. I think you should do as much normal as you can cope with. And then stop. No one who has a heart would think that you should be 'over it' by now.
    hugs
    chev
    I want a job that is less than an hour driving away from my house! Are you listening universe?
    • brizzledfw
    • By brizzledfw 8th Oct 16, 10:18 PM
    • 6,687 Posts
    • 31,981 Thanks
    brizzledfw
    MFiT-T4 Member No. 96 - 2022 is my MF goal
    April '17 Savings Rate Goal: 25% [Feb 25%]
    Declutter 50 items before 30.04.17 10/50 ** LSDs Target 5 for April xx/05 **AFDs 04/20 ** Sales Target '17 £750 £80 so far
    **NSDs Target 5 for April 02/05
    • Doobop
    • By Doobop 9th Oct 16, 11:05 AM
    • 138 Posts
    • 1,303 Thanks
    Doobop
    Lurker here - sad news, sorry to hear. Can't imagine how hard it is.
    • NoOneAround
    • By NoOneAround 11th Oct 16, 11:21 AM
    • 1,436 Posts
    • 6,909 Thanks
    NoOneAround
    Thank You Doobop, Brizzle, Chev

    Spent weekend with mum, back home and trying to catch up with SE work but not succeeding. House is a mess and with the weather turning now there are cobwebs everywhere can see them all as it's a bright sunny day. Feeling quite numb most of the time, really just want to be with mum at the moment but DS needs me here too. Coming on here to get some thoughts down, maybe it will help get my head clear to do some work.

    Made a call to update a creditor today. I used to get all worked up about it but today it was just an emotionless thing that needed to be done and I did it, no longer felt the pangs of guilt. Progress I guess. Finally have clicked how low in priority worrying about the massive unsecured debt that hangs over us should have been. It is not getting worse, and it's is creeping downwards.

    I have a goal for next year and that is to get my garden sorted and also make a new veg plot and a new rose bed. Dad was always asking me to plant all sorts of things, getting seeds even and I collected them all and occasionally planted but never nurtured them (rabbits ate most things, and I used that and lack of time as an excuse). So I have it in my mind that I will do that for dad. My love of gardening came from him. Only time will tell if I can make it happen or if all the time will now divert to supporting mum in her loneliness.

    Feel really guilty today as I haven't even thought of my DD for a couple of days, though I know she is really happy this year, and (I think) working hard. DS is 16 today, but doesn't want to do anything, not even go out for a meal. He asked for an oven ready meal we hardly ever have but he really likes so we'll pick that up after school and he can choose a little cake just for the three of us.

    NOA
    xx
    Feb2014 Total unsecured debt £72,520>>24/02/15 £71,730>> 17/02/16 £71073>>01/06/16 £68166>19/07/16 £68004=6.23%PAID
    Mortgage Jan14=209,800 Jan15=£200,300Jan16 £190,800 Jan17£180,700
    Health/Fitness Challenges Priority#1 Stay Fit and healthy - whatever it takes
    Wombling Free Cash May2016 £51
    • Bobarella
    • By Bobarella 11th Oct 16, 10:30 PM
    • 10,287 Posts
    • 65,948 Thanks
    Bobarella
    Happy birthday to your DS NOA. What a good idea about your garden. Don't feel guilty about your thoughts not being with your daughter. It's actually a compliment to her as you aren't worried about her, so she is obviously a capable young woman who you have done a great job with.

    Hugs as always.
    "You're not rich until you have something money can't buy."

    Debt neutral 27/03/17 from £40k in the hole 2012.
    Roadkill 17 £52.96 2016-£62.28 2015- £84.20)
    RYSAW17 £1530.02 2016 £2,535.16 2015 £1027.20
    • Igamogam
    • By Igamogam 11th Oct 16, 10:53 PM
    • 5,476 Posts
    • 42,874 Thanks
    Igamogam
    Lovely idea about the garden....plant things that will remind you of your Dad

    Your DS made a good choice about his birthday celebrations...........he is obviously feeling it too. Celebrate when things are not so raw
    Be the change you want to see -with apologies to Gandhi
    In gardens, beauty is a by-product. The main business is sex and death. ~Sam Llewelyn
    'On the internet no one knows you are a cat'
    • jvr
    • By jvr 13th Oct 16, 7:48 AM
    • 247 Posts
    • 883 Thanks
    jvr
    Hi Noa,


    I have read all your diary over a few weeks. You have come so far and dealt with so much in that time you should be truly proud. I have never lost a parent so I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling, just remember every day you get up and out of bed you are achieving something. It has been such a short amount of time since your loss so please don't pressure yourself that you should be back to 'normal' you can't rush grief. Focus energy you have on things that help you or your loved ones, the house can be cleaned any old time.


    Thinking of you


    JVR
    Credit cards: £6000 now £4650 aim to be debt free (ignoring mortgage and student loans) by Dec 2017
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