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    Former MSE Debs
    Real-life MMD: Should I pay to see my girlfriend?
    • #1
    • 9th Nov 12, 12:48 PM
    Real-life MMD: Should I pay to see my girlfriend? 9th Nov 12 at 12:48 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay to see my girlfriend?

    My girlfriend's recently moved away to study. Though I want to see her on weekends, it's not cheap to travel. I've suggested we go halves, since I normally pay the fare to go to her, but she thinks she shouldn't contribute as I'm earning and she's not. However, I don't earn much and while I know she's worse off than me, I think it's a little unfair I should effectively pay to see her.

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    Last edited by Former MSE Debs; 13-11-2012 at 4:41 PM.
Page 3
    • Barryfan
    • By Barryfan 14th Nov 12, 1:12 PM
    • 47 Posts
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    My daughter met her other half when they both worked abroad. They returned to England and lived about 200 miles apart along the south coast. They took it in turns to visit each other (not every weekend). They were both in work but neither of them were earning big money. They moved in together eventually, and are getting married next year. The moral? if you want to be together you will work things out. Talk to her, and make compromises - it really shouldn't be about money and who pays for what! P.S. If I were her, I would be very hurt if I found out you'd asked strangers what they thought instead of talking to me about it.
  • lorena
    My boyfriend and I are from opposite ends of the country. We live together now but there was a point last year where my Friday nights were spent at an airport, either waiting for him or waiting to get on a flight to London. I was unemployed for a few months and he was working. He paid for a few flights, he offered though - I didn't ask him to. We always managed to find cheap flights and I scraped together what money I could for trains/planes etc and if he paid for flights I would pay for food etc.
    I'd be really annoyed if my bf had said to me 'I'll come and see you but only if you pay half for it'. If you love each other then you'll find a way to make it work. Maybe see each other every 2 weeks if money is tight.
  • leoncub
    Whilst I do agree with the general consensus here (if it's real love, cost shouldn't be an issue), I do wonder what the response would have been if the person asking the MMD question here was a woman rather than a man?

    I can't help but notice a lot of harsh comments such as "man up", "if you don't visit her, there'll be plenty of other blokes to take your place", "let her breathe", "you're only visiting for sex", etc. I do think things would have been put to the questioner a lot more sympathetically if they were female.
    • TopQuark
    • By TopQuark 14th Nov 12, 1:53 PM
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    My boyfriend and I are from opposite ends of the country. We live together now but there was a point last year where my Friday nights were spent at an airport, either waiting for him or waiting to get on a flight to London.
    Originally posted by lorena
    Yes, I understand this feeling. My partner is French and we met when we both worked in the Philippines. He then returned to France and I stayed on before returning to the UK. He eventually moved to the UK but then lost his job and relocated to Switzerland. Two years later I joined him and we're both here now. We've spent thousands of pounds traveling around the world to see each other. If it's meant to be, you just get on with it. C'est la vie!
    Remember Occam's Razor - the simplest explanation is usually the right one.

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    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 14th Nov 12, 1:58 PM
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    If it's a really serious relationship which you think will last the test of time you may have to agree to limit your visits but both of you should investigate other options like using Skype to keep in touch, and advertising locally at both ends for car lifts or petrol sharing schemes to reduce travelling costs.
    • hummingbird
    • By hummingbird 14th Nov 12, 2:17 PM
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    Hi, you don't say how far apart you actually are - my boyfriend is living and working overseas at the moment - I last saw him at the end of August and I won't see him again til Christmas!

    I would say cut down the visits to every other weekend, also perhaps she can come to see you once a month or so instead of you always doing all the travelling.

    I would just say, it will probably be a test of your relationship!! You don't say how long you've been together or how serious the relationship is - all these things make a difference.

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    • lutzi1
    • By lutzi1 14th Nov 12, 2:22 PM
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    Sorry to be harsh, but on the basis of this posting she's better off without you.
    Hope is not a strategy.
  • portia88
    moral dilemma
    Isn't one, as far as I can see. When I was first going out with my (now ex) husband, I came down from London nearly every weekend to see him. Wouldn't have crossed my mind to get him to pay/contribute to my fare, even though he earnt loads more than me.

    Mind you it never occured to him to offer, either. Partly explains why he's my ex!

    Go once a month and do something else the other weekends - that way you'll have more to talk about when you do meet up.
    • joehoover
    • By joehoover 14th Nov 12, 2:41 PM
    • 119 Posts
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    Some things are priceless, people in a loving relationship is and they would't consider the cost, and if it was a problem they would find other ways to communicate in this day and age.

    If you don't want to pay then this relationship is going nowhere and you best broach that subject first. The fact she is studying now will open up many avenues, you may soon be part of an old life.

    If it's worth hanging onto you wouldn't be asking the question about money.
  • sarossa
    share share share!
    my partner lives in the north of England, I live in Sardinia, two isolated areas in their own way. We both have an income albeit mine steadier and enough for me to live, travel to the US every couple of years to see family and of course spend my holidays in England. He can travel more often and - depending on the availability of cheap flights and cheap coaches/trains - comes to see me every month or every couple of months...with this regime it would be impossible not to share travel expenses, and everything else for that matter....the only thing we don't share are the house bills, neither here nor there, as we see each other for two-week spells or maximum for a month in summer....managing our expenses this way has helped us maintain a very long and tricky distance relationship alive and kicking for 4-years and my opinion traveling expenses are different from getting treated to a night out or receiving an impromptu present...which is always very pleasant indeed!
  • clairewych
    Once a month?
    My boyfriend is a student and I work, I am better off than him but not by much. Up until recently, we lived about 180 miles apart, it took 3-4 hours to drive or 7-9 hours on public transport. Because I could drive and the fact that work often took me close to home I asked that he simply committed to seeing me once a month/6 weeks and I would go to see him the rest of the time. For me it was the fact that he was willing to make that commitment to keep up our relationship even though it meant a full day of travel that meant I was happy to pay to go see him.

    Perhaps you should clarify how often she plans on returning home and see if you can get her to commit to coming back occasionally to see you. And just a passing observation, the 5 years that I was a student (working part time) saw me with much more disposable income than when I first started working!!
    • pennypinchUK
    • By pennypinchUK 14th Nov 12, 3:03 PM
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    There's a statistic that says the large majority of couples split up during or after the 1st term when one moves away to study. No doubt you don't want to hear that right now, but if you want to see her why not pay up. If your relationship goes the way of most others in your situation you won't be paying out for travel costs for too long.
    • duchy
    • By duchy 14th Nov 12, 3:17 PM
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    I suspect you didn't go to uni yourself or you'd realize that normal couples where one is at uni simply don't see each other every weekend. Partly because of cost and partly because uni has so much going on it isn't fair to "book" your partner for every weekend.

    Why does it *have* to be every weekend one of you very needy ?

    Frankly it seems you are more worried about money than probably best to let it go (It did strike me that if you are normally "careful" with your money -she *might* be using the "who pays" issue as an excuse to dump you)
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

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  • nanstallon
    If she has facilities for cooking where she is, money can be saved that way. If you're interested in her, you'll take the travel costs on the chin unless you literally can't afford the fares. When I was a student, I used to hitch hike in the pursuit of true love, and it was often quicker than the train, but in today's rather mean spirited atmosphere, hitching has ceased to be a viable means of getting around.
  • tks
    Try less frequent visits, they'll suit your budget and will probably be more fun. Why not use skype or a similar communication system for a regular one-to one get together? As a money saving expert contributor you should be able to find the best travel deals. Coaches are slow but inexpensive. Many of us had to cope with financial and social restraints when young. I'm sure that you'll survive somehow.
    Last edited by tks; 14-11-2012 at 3:51 PM. Reason: Grammar!
    • Fujiko
    • By Fujiko 14th Nov 12, 3:59 PM
    • 133 Posts
    • 171 Thanks
    Sorry to be harsh, but on the basis of this posting she's better off without you.
    Originally posted by lutzi1
    My own thoughts exactly! Whatever happened to romance?
    • Maat
    • By Maat 14th Nov 12, 4:22 PM
    • 403 Posts
    • 2,183 Thanks
    What about her costs?
    Yes, you'd be paying the travel fares but she'll have costs associated with your visits too. I'm assuming she won't let you starve while you're there, so she'll have to buy more food. There'll be more washing up, more toilet roll use and so on. Also she'll be paying extra for fuel while you're there, as well as water if she's on a meter. Having someone to stay in your home costs so I'd say it probably about evens out and, as you say yourself, she doesn't earn so it's probably going to be harder for her.

    Just make sure you get the cheapest travel deal and, if you can, plan well ahead to get the best prices.

    Good luck
  • newcook
    When my father was first going out with my mother, now his wife of 52 years, she was living in Paris and because he couldn't afford the kind of hotel that would allow him back in late at night, he slept under bridges to avoid missing out on his time with her.

    That's dedication: if she looks like a keeper, then make some sacrifices.
    Originally posted by Brian Steele

    This is so lovely and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside what a romantic story to be able to pass down through the generations!!

    I hope they are still as loved up now as they were back then!!

    OP you dont say how far you have to travel or how long you have been together. From the sounds of it though, the relationship isnt going to last the distance (excuse the pun!)
    • Gillsx
    • By Gillsx 14th Nov 12, 4:43 PM
    • 55 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    Are you for real? You're really not bothered about her if you ask this question. Someone in love and wanting to see the person they are in a relationship with wouldn't be moaning about the cost, but thinking about how to make it more cost effective. No she shouldn't pay half......
    • happyinflorida
    • By happyinflorida 14th Nov 12, 5:09 PM
    • 474 Posts
    • 418 Thanks
    If this is the way you're thinking then I think she'd be better off without you.

    She's not earning and you are but you want her to pay half of your travel costs.

    I do hope she's realised what a complete louse you are and has finished with you by now.

    I wouldn't encourage any daughter of mine to go out with someone like you.
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