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    Former MSE Debs
    Real-life MMD: Should I pay to see my girlfriend?
    • #1
    • 9th Nov 12, 12:48 PM
    Real-life MMD: Should I pay to see my girlfriend? 9th Nov 12 at 12:48 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay to see my girlfriend?

    My girlfriend's recently moved away to study. Though I want to see her on weekends, it's not cheap to travel. I've suggested we go halves, since I normally pay the fare to go to her, but she thinks she shouldn't contribute as I'm earning and she's not. However, I don't earn much and while I know she's worse off than me, I think it's a little unfair I should effectively pay to see her.

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    Last edited by Former MSE Debs; 13-11-2012 at 4:41 PM.
Page 1
    • mazz1953
    • By mazz1953 13th Nov 12, 6:38 PM
    • 179 Posts
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    • #2
    • 13th Nov 12, 6:38 PM
    • #2
    • 13th Nov 12, 6:38 PM
    Do you really need to see her every weekend? If you went once a month, then you would be able to afford it yourself.
    • DKLS
    • By DKLS 13th Nov 12, 6:42 PM
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    • #3
    • 13th Nov 12, 6:42 PM
    • #3
    • 13th Nov 12, 6:42 PM
    Man up, if you dont like paying dump her, if you do want to see her put some effort there is plenty of tips and advice on here on how to minimise travelling costs.
    • Dasa
    • By Dasa 13th Nov 12, 6:46 PM
    • 290 Posts
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    • #4
    • 13th Nov 12, 6:46 PM
    • #4
    • 13th Nov 12, 6:46 PM
    As you're earning and she isn't it's unfair to expect her to go halves.
    Perhaps if you can't afford it don't go every weekend, go say every other weekend. She could pay for a meal for you both now and again to compensate.
    • MothballsWallet
    • By MothballsWallet 13th Nov 12, 8:34 PM
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    • #5
    • 13th Nov 12, 8:34 PM
    • #5
    • 13th Nov 12, 8:34 PM
    When my wife was still my girlfriend, we often didn't see each for a year or more - we kept in touch by letter and phone and saw each other as and when we could.
    Always ask yourself one question: What would Gibbs do?
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    • bylromarha
    • By bylromarha 13th Nov 12, 9:10 PM
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    • #6
    • 13th Nov 12, 9:10 PM
    • #6
    • 13th Nov 12, 9:10 PM
    If it's a casual thing, dump her.

    If it's a serious relationship or got the potential to be, then talk to her about it rather than ask the internet. Good communication is vital in a good relationship.
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  • mayling03
    • #7
    • 14th Nov 12, 2:08 AM
    • #7
    • 14th Nov 12, 2:08 AM
    Depending on where both your locations are. Try Megabus/mega train, split ticketing on trains and booking at least 3 months in advance
    • xXMessedUpXx
    • By xXMessedUpXx 14th Nov 12, 2:10 AM
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    • #8
    • 14th Nov 12, 2:10 AM
    • #8
    • 14th Nov 12, 2:10 AM
    I'd say go halves. I'm currently not working but my bf is, but i still give him money for train fare, and i also bought him a railcard (1/3 off!), however he always comes to see me (he still lives at home where as i don't)

    Heck when i was still in 6th form i used to save up half my dinner money so i could go visit my then bf
    Last edited by xXMessedUpXx; 14-11-2012 at 8:00 AM.
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  • marisa
    • #9
    • 14th Nov 12, 2:46 AM
    • #9
    • 14th Nov 12, 2:46 AM
    Can she actually afford to go halves or would that leave her short for essentials?
    If it is a matter of you pay or you don't see each other then your choice is right there.
    If she can afford it, even though she has no income, e.g has lots of money spare it is up to her if she thinks you are worth paying to come see her.
    If she chooses to spend her money on things other than seeing you when she could afford it, then it is hardly meant to be.
    It all comes down to what her social budget is and if she chooses to spend it on you or not.

    What did you want from this thread, if we tell her she has to pay will you link this and she will cough up without resentment??

    If we say no you should pay, but we can tell you don't want to, you will keep arguing and resenting her.

    So decide if she is worth it and if so don't nag her to pay, if she can afford it but doesn't pay that shows you aren't worth much to her anyway so best apart.
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    • oldtrout
    • By oldtrout 14th Nov 12, 4:18 AM
    • 121 Posts
    • 167 Thanks
    She moved away to study. Didn't she plan to return now and again anyway, ie some travel costs? Suppose it depends on how much you need to see each other.
    • lisawaters
    • By lisawaters 14th Nov 12, 6:19 AM
    • 2,078 Posts
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    If her family lives near you, maybe she's got a cute sister?
    • Ivrytwr3
    • By Ivrytwr3 14th Nov 12, 6:28 AM
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    i don't see the relatioship lasting if you're arguing about money to actually visit - you don't want to pay, neither does she, it sounds like neither of you are particularly bothered.

    I used to travel from Germany to the UK on a weekend and i honestly never thought about asking OH for cash - but i did make her pay in many other ways
  • careerbee
    If its serious she will want to come home sometime too. You shouldnt ask her to pay half. Either you make the decision to see her less or you cough up.
    I lived away at uni for 3 years and at the time couldnt drive. My boyfriend (now fiance) drove down to see me one weekend in 3 and only every other 3 weekends, because I went home. (ie. weekend 1 - uni, weekend 2 - uni, weekend 3 - he visits, weekend 4 - uni, weekend 5- uni, weekend 6 - I go home). And that cost me more in train fares then him in petrol but that is not the issue.

    And this might be harsh but: If you're falling out over the cost of seeing each other, it probably isn't going to work in the long run.
    Taking control of my finances
    • dreamdreamer
    • By dreamdreamer 14th Nov 12, 8:39 AM
    • 618 Posts
    • 1,529 Thanks
    I have to say I agree with the others. If you're not happy to pay to go see her and she's not happy to contribute to see you then there are deeper issues than the money one.

    My boyfriend and I lived and worked over an hour apart for the first two years of our relationship. Plus I didn't drive. We did a LOT of back and forth, sometimes I would be doing a 1.5hr bus ride after a 12hr night shift to go and see him. Likewise sometimes he would drive across at 5am to pick me up from work, spend 2hrs with me then drive back to go to work! I was flat broke (paying off 16k of debt) but I never once resented the money to see him. Likewise he sold his beloved car to buy a more economical diesel because of the miles he was doing coming to see me.

    Compromise and sacrifice for the greater good (ie. Seeing each other) should come naturally to you both. I would be wondering why you feel resentment about spending money to see her, rather than wondering whether she should pay.
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  • Rachael084
    Although I agree with the others that you could go less often, there's going to be lots of boys at uni who would be willing to put some effort in if you weren't...
  • skizz_b
    Seeing her every week will get irksome if only because of the travel involved (not the price). Start off seeing her every other week and see how that goes. In a situation like this I'd look at the logistics of the relationship before worrying about the price of it.
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    • ashleyriot
    • By ashleyriot 14th Nov 12, 9:14 AM
    • 86 Posts
    • 117 Thanks
    I used to travel from Germany to the UK on a weekend and i honestly never thought about asking OH for cash - but i did make her pay in many other ways
    Originally posted by Ivrytwr3
    And this is what it really comes down to...
  • Brian Steele
    How important is the relationship to you?
    If you are earning and she isn't, then it is not unreasonable that you bear a bigger share of the cost. If you cannot afford that, talk to her, see whether she offers to help and then perhaps see her slightly less often.

    How much do you care about her? If it is serious, then the money would not be causing you too much heartbreak. When I first went out with my now wife of 19 years, she was studying in Italy while I was earning in the UK, so I was the one who paid for numerous flights to Turin for the weekend. I'd rather not have spent that much money, but it was worth it. When my father was first going out with my mother, now his wife of 52 years, she was living in Paris and because he couldn't afford the kind of hotel that would allow him back in late at night, he slept under bridges to avoid missing out on his time with her.

    That's dedication: if she looks like a keeper, then make some sacrifices.
  • shark DB
    how about you pay to see her then she provides the food while you are there?
  • ruth_from_kent
    Is she worth it?
    Either your girlfriend is worth paying to visit or not. The choice is yours. Try alternate weekends or a long weekend each month. If it is meant to be it will survive if not ........
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