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Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job?
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# 41
NAP6W
Old 17-08-2011, 10:59 AM
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It is a moral dilemma that only you can decide. My father worked non stop and we had a very high quality upbringing but never saw him. He said to me not to make the same mistake as you never get that time with your kids back, so I took a slightly lower paid but more rewarding job closer to home and I am much happier. I have one brother in law who is wealthy but works offshore 4 weeks away 4 weeks home and one brother in law that works in the middle east and has to be a tax exile. I asked my kids if they would allow me to do that and they said NO. Thay are not bothered about the extra cash they want their Dad!!
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# 42
clearmydebts
Old 17-08-2011, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by makeup View Post
I think this is a bit harsh, we don't know the OP (and it is none of our business). And anyway, too late for that advice now!!!

I think this is a very hard one to judge and advise on - much harder than the normal ones!

My immediate thoughts that popped into my head are as follows:

When exactly does this job start? Will it mean that your husband is likely to miss the birth - how do you and he feel about this?

Are you going to be able to call on the support of your family while in Ireland? My sister's girls were both nightmares for sleeping - neither took many naps during the day but were up all through the night. My sister and her husband were able to take turns with naps / getting up and that helped her get through this. I see you are proposing moving back in with your parents - have you discussed this with them and how it will work for them and childcare etc!!!!

How long would this arrangement be for? A year goes really quickly but if it was longer - how would you both feel about this?

Is it definite he would be able to be back every weekend - try and found out what the reality is - if it was once a month would this still be ok?

I think I would say that you both need to have an honest, cards on the table conversation about how you would both feel about being apart and also about how you are going to pay off the debt and what the plans are for the future once the debt is cleared.

If your husband is going to be absolutely miserable being away from the babies or you are going to be the same away from him - maybe resenting him if you feel you are doing all the hard work with the kids then it probably isn't worth it.

However if you are both resigned to the seperation, it is for a fixed time period that you know you can deal with, and you will have clean slate and can build a new life for your family then maybe it is something you should do. With things like skype these days you can feel a lot closer and maybe you could go out with the kids for a week or so every once in a while as well to see him?

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide and of course good luck for September!
The contract jobs are ongoing so there are lots of them available and OH defo wouldn't miss the birth, we wouldn't even consider him starting a job and missing out on the birth.

There is defo support for me in Ireland. My parents are happy to have us and I have lots of friends and extended family who I would be able to meet up with and drop in with the babies so they could play with cousins, friends etc.

I think the contract work woule be for a year, with OH continuing to look for work in Ireland. The only problem is that if the work dried up, or no job turned up in Ireland.
BOI cc: £5900 Virgin: £5981
Total: Dec '12 £24,790 £11,881
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# 43
kessington
Old 17-08-2011, 11:10 AM
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ps you mention being homesick since the birth of your eldest. are you sure this isn't a bit more? you could/should have been screened for PND which is altogether more serious - but also very treatable and you deserve help if that's the case. none of my business but a friend suffered horribly for a long while.
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# 44
clearmydebts
Old 17-08-2011, 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by kessington View Post
ps you mention being homesick since the birth of your eldest. are you sure this isn't a bit more? you could/should have been screened for PND which is altogether more serious - but also very treatable and you deserve help if that's the case. none of my business but a friend suffered horribly for a long while.
Hiya and thanks for the post. I agree PND is terrible & have had a friend who had severe PND and gone through a horrible time.

My honest opinion is that it is just homesickness as OH says that when I do go home for periods of time (1 week) I become my old self and completely relax. This is not something I am even aware of doing but something OH notices.
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# 45
Fujiko
Old 17-08-2011, 11:35 AM
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For goodness sake, GROW UP! You married the man which in my book means a lifelong commitment and you really can't keep running back to Mummy just because you miss Ireland. The fact that you are expecting another baby which you seem not to be able to afford only complicates matters further because you will obviously not be in a position to work for some time, so it is up to you to give your first loyalty to your husband who is going to have to provide for you all and clear your debts. In my opinion you should put your husband and children first, and go with him to Germany. If you are determined to be homesick what difference will a few more miles make, and you never know, you might even enjoy it!
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# 46
deborah007
Old 17-08-2011, 11:35 AM
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I think you and your husband should go for this opportunity. You will have family support back in Ireland and the opportunity to pay off your debts.

Even if the work only last six months to a year you will be better off financially and will be 6-12 months down the road with lower or paid off debt and the family support in the interim.

Will your husband be able to get a job in Ireland in his role when the contract finishes? Or will he be able to study in Germany and move onto a new role with his experience?

Whatever you decide good luck for the future, particularly with the new baby.

D x
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# 47
clearmydebts
Old 17-08-2011, 11:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fujiko View Post
For goodness sake, GROW UP! You married the man which in my book means a lifelong commitment and you really can't keep running back to Mummy just because you miss Ireland. The fact that you are expecting another baby which you seem not to be able to afford only complicates matters further because you will obviously not be in a position to work for some time, so it is up to you to give your first loyalty to your husband who is going to have to provide for you all and clear your debts. In my opinion you should put your husband and children first, and go with him to Germany. If you are determined to be homesick what difference will a few more miles make, and you never know, you might even enjoy it!
I presume you have never experienced homesickness because you won't know what it feels like.

I have lived away from home for the last 17 years & have never 'run home to Mammy'. The homesickness hit after the birth of my first child and it wasn't something I was expecting. I never had any plans to move back to Ireland and was quite content in the UK. I am also an extremely upbeat & positive person so to have these low feelings was a huge shock to me, and not something I had encountered before. Nor was the feelings of wanting to go home. I had heard other women mention how they got homesick after the birth of a child and thought they were mad. Until I felt the same thing...

You obviously have no experience or knowledge mental health & doing things in order to stay mentally happy. Do you think I choose to be homesick? Do you think it is easy for me to consider being away from my husband for part of the week?

And for the record, I am not determined to be homesick. I don't have control over it. As I said, it just hit me 17 years after leaving home.
BOI cc: £5900 Virgin: £5981
Total: Dec '12 £24,790 £11,881
House deposit: €27,000/€30,000
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# 48
clearmydebts
Old 17-08-2011, 11:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deborah007 View Post
I think you and your husband should go for this opportunity. You will have family support back in Ireland and the opportunity to pay off your debts.

Even if the work only last six months to a year you will be better off financially and will be 6-12 months down the road with lower or paid off debt and the family support in the interim.

Will your husband be able to get a job in Ireland in his role when the contract finishes? Or will he be able to study in Germany and move onto a new role with his experience?

Whatever you decide good luck for the future, particularly with the new baby.

D x
Thanks Deborah. As I mentioned earlier, ny husband is talking to his boss about the possibility of doing compressed hours today, as that might be a better way of doing things.
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House deposit: €27,000/€30,000
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# 49
kessington
Old 17-08-2011, 12:03 PM
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good. in that case settle down and do all the sums - make a business case for each option and be realistic about your costs. would you run your own car in Ireland? what would you contribute to your keep? and if you want to visit your husband would that mean he needed to rent a bigger more expensive place only to have it half empty most of the time? get the facts because the wage isn't the point, it's the cost of living that that you need to research.
I think if you put as much down on paper as you can you might find the answer is much easier to spot. and i don't underestimate homesickness, i had a hard time in ireland amongst other places!! you are taking on a lot of new experiences at the one time so make sure you have some (inexpensive!) fun planned together too.
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# 50
clearmydebts
Old 17-08-2011, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by kessington View Post
good. in that case settle down and do all the sums - make a business case for each option and be realistic about your costs. would you run your own car in Ireland? what would you contribute to your keep? and if you want to visit your husband would that mean he needed to rent a bigger more expensive place only to have it half empty most of the time? get the facts because the wage isn't the point, it's the cost of living that that you need to research.
I think if you put as much down on paper as you can you might find the answer is much easier to spot. and i don't underestimate homesickness, i had a hard time in ireland amongst other places!! you are taking on a lot of new experiences at the one time so make sure you have some (inexpensive!) fun planned together too.
Thanks for the excellent advice Kessington. We have done a list and although contract work is more profitable (even with getting a bigger flat to accommodate us when we would visit) I think if OH gets compressed hours we will go with that, as it would work better for us as a family and OH would see us more, probably more than he does at the moment as he only sees our little fella for an hour after work at the moment and this way he would have all day Friday with him, as well as the weekend.
BOI cc: £5900 Virgin: £5981
Total: Dec '12 £24,790 £11,881
House deposit: €27,000/€30,000
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# 51
clearmydebts
Old 17-08-2011, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by mildred1978 View Post
My husband works away from home for about 75% of the year - and earns a lot of money for it. Before our son came along that suited us both fine. Now I'm pretty much a single parent through the week, which I find hard work. But we take the view that while we're fit and healthy we should live this way. We have a healthy cushion put by for times when hubby's work is harder to find, or we want more quality time as a family.

If you have the backbone for it, I'd say give it a go. He can always quit if it doesn't work out. Just be aware that any routine you put in place during the week is likely to get wrecked when Daddy gets home on the weekend!
I can imagine that must be very hard. Do you get support from family?
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# 52
clearmydebts
Old 17-08-2011, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by scoobydoobydoo View Post
You have no idea about the OPs circumstances so you cant criticise her being pg. Off the top of my head......possibly fertility issues so grasping a chance at another child with both hands, religious or moral stand against abortion after failed contraception, pregnancy happened before the debt became an issue.....shall I go on?

When I read this on the newsletter I just KNEW that someone would post this so thank you for proving me right!

As for what is right for the OP to do....
As the mother of a 10 week old i have to admit that the thought of being alone 90% of the time would worry me alot. But then having debt to clear would worry me too. I think that I would look at what another poster above suggested, which is moving to Germany with him, atleast short term. Perhaps look at how long it will take you to pay off the debt if you were running one home in Germany (as opposed to two, if you were in Ireland) and agree to move with him for that amount of time. The at the end of that period have a rethink.

You wouldnt need to earn as much as you wouldnt be servicing your debts so he could perhaps then take a lower paid job in Ireland. Or you could afford more trips to see him, and him to come to you, if you were paying off what you owe.

Moving with him seems the best option that I can see. Good luck xx

Thanks for the advice. And congrats on the baby!
BOI cc: £5900 Virgin: £5981
Total: Dec '12 £24,790 £11,881
House deposit: €27,000/€30,000
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# 53
clearmydebts
Old 17-08-2011, 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted by ISAmad View Post
The UK is no place to raise a child. Money worries aside.

If you've got the chance, get your kid out. It's like Lord of Flies.
Thanks. It certainly seemed a bit that way with the riots last week, although who knows if Ireland wouldn't react in the same way...
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# 54
clearmydebts
Old 17-08-2011, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by brenda10 View Post
You will be able to keep in contact with each other via phone, skype etc and if you are seeing each other every weekend that is great. Go to Ireland(my wonderful homeland) and in no time atall you will be debt free and can decide what you will do then. I am a midwife also and delighted to hear you are having another baby. Best wishes to you and your family.
XX
Thanks for the lovely post Brenda. You sound like a lovely midwife. Any chance you want to attend the birth of my baby. Lol
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Total: Dec '12 £24,790 £11,881
House deposit: €27,000/€30,000
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# 55
kessington
Old 17-08-2011, 12:23 PM
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good luck then! in the end there are happy people and unhappy people so I hope you can all be the happy kind.
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# 56
clearmydebts
Old 17-08-2011, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by tgroom57 View Post
You don't say how long the contract work in Germany will last- or what you both will do when that contract finishes.
If this is the first alternative job offer he has considered then maybe also look at creating a profile on www.linkedin.com

I agree it is important to have somewhere nice to raise your children, and looking ahead, some place you are happy about the schools. But when you find a nice place to live it doesn't have to be where you've been before.

Good luck ! I moved away to be nearer family and somewhere nice, but now I wish I had stayed near my beloved.
Thank you. The contract would be 6 months & then he would look for another contract. He has a profile on linkedin and finds it great for looking for jobs. No sign of anything in Ireland yet though.
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# 57
ixolite
Old 17-08-2011, 12:25 PM
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i had just found out i was expecting our second child when my husband was made redundant - this was back in 1981

after about a year with no luck he took a contract in Saudi Arabia, he flew out and i stopped at home with a 17 month old and a six week old baby as me going with him was not an option

he stayed out there about 14 months only coming home once for a couple of weeks leave, in between times we spoke on the phone once a month.

to do this was a joint decision but then again given our circumstances at the time it was go for it or go under

it wasn't easy and you need the support of family if you stay behind
my daughter (the Baby) did take a bit of time to get used to having a dad again when he got home but long term no problems as far as her and her brother are concerned - they don't feel scarred for life!!
benifits were the job market was better when he got back, we had no debt, and saved enough (because i had got used to having so little) to buy a secondhand camper van that we had loads of fun holidays with kids

finally we are still together and look back on it as an adventure that we don't regret

so go for it
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# 58
danthemoneysavingman
Old 17-08-2011, 12:42 PM
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I worked away from my family, only seeing them at weekends (funnily enough the contract was in Ireland!).
But I stayed away too long and it put a big strain on our family.
You would benefit from the support of your family with the new baby of course - but is there a future for getting work where you wish to locate to in Ireland? or would hubby be away forever more?

If the work away can be strictly limited (e.g. to 6 months) that should work OK - but then what to do after?

not an easy decision as the stability of your family unit is at stake!

Good luck, but I strongly suggest you both look to the future to see what is ultimately feasible.
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# 59
happyinflorida
Old 17-08-2011, 12:59 PM
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Why are you asking this? Surely YOU know what's best for you and your family?! Discuss it with your husband not strangers!
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# 60
ohit
Old 17-08-2011, 1:02 PM
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Sounds like the move to Germany, to achieve the financial goal, is not going to be an arrangement forever.

So, short-term sacrifice for long-term gain.
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