Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a ...

[demondoctor]

No one can answer this question but yourself. It's not really a moral dilemma, but a decision that you and you family need to make your own.

[FattyBettyBoo]

I would calculate exactly how long it would take in this job to pay off the debt - then you'll know how long the situation would be for. If, for example, it would take 2 years at this salary then it may seem 'doable'.

However, there is always the fact that he may not be able to find another job if the situation does not suit you. You could end up worse off in the end if the Germany job doesn't work out and there isn't another job after.

[Dinah93]

I think I know the OP of this question, so I apologise if this is someone else entirely and I've made assumptions.

I know how much you want to move back to your family in Ireland and financially there is no two ways about it that this is the right thing for you. As you are rightly tussling with its the balance between finance and family which is the key. At the end of the day every single person on here could say 'yes, move to different countries and pay off the debts' but that doesn't matter a jot if either of you say to the other you don't want it to happen. And harsh as it probably sounds in this one he has to be all for it otherwise it won't work as it will only build resentment from him that he's being exiled to pay off debts while you got what you wanted in moving back with your family. If he says he wants to do it (maybe even for a fixed term of 6 or 12 months) then do it, your family life will be better in the long run. However if he says he doesn't want to be apart from his family even 5 days a week then you have to respect that as you don't want being apart to pay off some debts to seperate your family permenantly as money is not worth as much as family.

I do think the more pertinent thing here though is that you're moving back to Ireland in 4 months anyway so actually now I think of it he has agreed to being apart for most of the week, so does it really make a blind bit of difference if he's in Scotland or Germany? I'd go to Germany and have a slightly longer flight and much more money in this case. Maybe you could sweeten the deal by saying you'll spend school holidays over there, or you'll go over a fortnight every 2 months or something?

x

[minerva_windsong]

When I was young (about six or seven) we lived in North Yorkshire but for two or three years my dad worked in Lancashire during the week and only came home at weekends. I did miss him terribly when he was gone but also there was the great excitement on Friday nights when he came home and it made that time we had together even more precious. As others have said it was a sacrifice but it was done for the right reasons, and now I'm older I can appreciate just how huge it was. That said though my sisters and I were all at school which is obviously a lot different to having a 15 month old and a new baby, but on the flip side my mum wasn't near her family so you'll have that support there if you need it.

Ultimately though I think this is something you need to talk through and decide together.

[ingym]

Hi there,

I was in the exact same position as you. I'm Irish and after having my daughter in the UK (my partner is English) I became really homesick and depressed. I really missed my family and friends and wasn't enjoying living in the UK even though I loved my partner and he had a good job. At some point, I became too unhappy and had to move back to Ireland. It was the best thing I did. I had so much support from my family and I got back to myself. My partner came over at weekends when he could. After some months I felt happy enough to give it another try in the UK and because I missed my other half a lot. I got a part time job myself which was daunting but helped things a lot. Now we're expecting another baby. If I were you, I'd go home and let your hubby go to Germany for a while and save while you get some support in Ireland. After a while you'll feel strong enough to move forward !!

[cozlw]

My partner and I started our relationship being long distance without children for the sake of work and whilst we made it work, it was extremely difficult to do so. We tried to see each other most weekends but it is tiring, expensive and difficult for the person required to travel as they are always on the 'go'.

Personally, with children I wouldnt even contemplate being apart, it puts pressure on the relationship (you can effectively feel that you are living different lives) and when you are at home with the children and he is out, socialising and trying to fit into German life, how can you be sure that you wont resent it and that he wont miss his children, particularly a newborn!

It may only take a couple of years, I would consider going with him and living in Germany for that time so that you can still be a family and pay off the debts. You can then move to Ireland together having taken on this challenge together.

[Gigglepig]

If it was my family we would:

1) all move TOGETHER to Germany, to clear debts and save up
2) once we had put savings aside we'd move to Ireland or whatever place we'd rather wanted to be

If you are homesick, why not take advantage of cheap flights and plan a few weekends in Ireland with your family? It may help to have a trip in the near future to look forward to.

[clearmydebts]

Thanks for all the replies.

The contract option is just 1 option, the other is OH getting condensed hours in his current job and coming home on a Thursday evening and flying back on a Monday morning.

I will try and answer all your questions individually now

[Mr Mike]

Move with him. Maximise your nett income, save on flights. I think there are tax breaks for married couples and kids. Not sure if he could claim them if you weren't registered as living with him. You've got a time window before the eldest kid goes to primary school. So you can chase the rate, then settle down in a couple of years when you've built up your bank balance.

[clearmydebts]

Originally Posted by pipadeepip1

What's the dilemma? If your husband can take a post with a salary that will clear your debts and give you money in your pocket. You should also be able to live where you want, and you will be living like 1000's of other families who choose to work, because many in this day and age do just that. I worked away and for a lot less than your husbands projected salary. The debt may well drive a wedge between you but with him working away you have a chance.

I think the dilemma is the fact that it is contract work, so it could potentially dry up in a few months (no-one can tell if it will or won't). Also OH is meeting his boss today to see what he thinks about him applying for condensed hours. We would still be living away from each other, but he would have Friday, Saturday and Sunday (full days) with us and as he wants to study & move into another area in work it would free him up to study on a Monday, Tuesday & Wed night.

[clearmydebts]

Originally Posted by mayling03

If he is willing to relocate I would job search harder nearer home! If he is being offered that amount of money per hour, I'm sure he will get a good job, good salary somewhere nearer home.

He is defo willing to relocate and want to. He has been looking for 15 months for a job and there is nothing there at the moment. There was a sniff of a job a few months ago but the company lost their funding unfortunately.

The money that he is being offered in Germany is so good because it is contract work, so no job security.

[clearmydebts]

Originally Posted by skylight

A good stable and loving home is more important than money.

As a family, you need to decide what will be worse for your family. If he or you cannot bear to be apart from each other then no amount of salary is going to fix that. But if the debt is dramatically longer term than the debt, will that force you apart anyway??

Whatever you decide to do, it needs to be a strong and very joint decision - not one where you have to co-erce or be co-erced into making.

I think the debt is one part of it, but my increasing unhappiness is also another part. I got very down at the start of the year, due to lack of support in the UK, and also money worries. I think the lack of support is a bigger thing though. We have moved quite a bit in the last 4 years (to 3 cities) and I am exhausted from trying to build up a network of people.

[kessington]

I lived abroad with 2 tiny children with my OH in early career. It was hard, and very lonely at times,we were broke but we had a lot of fun, made some lifelong friends and learned a lot about each other and how we wanted to be a family together.
Have you done all the sums properly? the hourly rate may sound good but have you worked out all the extra costs - take away tax, extra travel costs, medical bills/insurance, rent, food, play group fees, petrol, child benefit etc - there may be financial losses as well as gains to consider. Will your OH have paid holiday? are the flights at manageable times and frequencies? How will you feel about sharing child care at the weekends - a hand's on dad might feel less inclined to be fully hand's on if he's worn out with work and travel and you might feel fed up if you've done all the family work during the week.
How much support would you get with your family at home? Really and honestly? and would this be maintained once you are over the honeymoon period of being home - would you be able to work for example? what do your family and friends in Ireland do? - if they are working and you are not then quite honestly you are unlikely to find them having a lot of time on their hands once the initial excitement of seeing you wears off - it won't be like a short visit when they are happy to make an effort.
If you feel you need a breather while having the baby that's one thing but don't expect a prolonged stay to be an easy answer. If you went to germany would a family member be able to come and help with the initial settling in and new baby phase to ease you in?
You need to do all the sums, the financial and emotional ones and go into this with as much factual informatiom as you can. that way your head will help your heart to make the right decision.

[clearmydebts]

Originally Posted by emidee

It depends what your priorities are - do you value paying off debt / living somewhere more than seeing your husband every day?

And what about your kids? Are you ok with them having a part-time father?

Do you think your relationship could survive being apart for the majority of the week? There's no point in getting the debt paid off if by doing so, you split up over it. Is there any chance your husband could find work in Ireland?

Remember this not only affects you & your husband, but your children too.

Hi,

There is now work in Ireland at the moment. I do think we could survive not seeing each other, but I do wonder if he is better to take condensed hours in his current job so that he is home every Thursday evening rather than home late on a Friday evening from Germany and then back on a Sunday afternoon. Condensed hours would take longer to pay off the debt, but would mean more time together as a family.

[nczm]

If your concern is splitting up your family (with such young children I don't see the massive concern - I also had part time parents and spent time being passed from family to minders until the age of 10 and we're still a happy unit and stronger than ever) could you not consider relocating with your husband - a shared sacrifice?
If the debt can be cleared in a couple of years you'll be in a position to relocate back to Ireland (assuming you still want to) in time for your eldest to enrole in school, plus you get to introduce a cultural experience to your babies - I'm sure its a scientific fact that children who speak multiple languages from a young age have higher mental stimulation for learning (win-win).
Good luck!

[clearmydebts]

Originally Posted by Petaldust

If you're that much in debt why on earth are you having another child? No wonder Martin's email this week is about the importance of the introduction of debt education in schools

It's actually none of your business.

Not everything is so black & white and as you can see by the original post, there is the option to have it paid off in a year, so it won't be impacting on us long-term.

[clearmydebts]

Originally Posted by LetMeOut

People serving in the armed forces often live like this when spouses and children can't relocate with the serving person, if that's what needs to be done to give the children and you a reasonable life you will work with it, and it won't be forever - won't take more than a couple of years to pay off. Could be worse- could be sent away for 6 moths at a time, 10 months away one year, 9 months the next year!

I would go for it, as I say, a lot of forces families live like this and we all adapt to it, it's your outlook that makes the difference!

I think it would take about 12 months. The worry is that there won't be a job when he does stop contracting, and also whether compressed hours might be a better option, as although it would take longer to pay off debt, at least the job is safe and he gets 4 nights in Ireland & 3 in the UK.

[clearmydebts]

Originally Posted by matador_uk

I'd like to add my two penneth as someone who grew up with a supposed 'part time' father- what a load of old tosh. I'm 29 and from the age of 8 to 24 my dad did a weekly commute from NE England to London, prior to that it was daily Kent to London and we rarely saw him through the week as we were in bed by the time we got home. I love my dad to bit and appreciate the sacrifices he made to give us a better life, my dad loves me and wanting a more comfortable life for his family was a driving force for him.

Yes it was difficult sometimes, yes we missed him and he us, but we never took our time together for granted.

I say go for it, even just for a short time. Getting out of debt will be better for your family in the long run, living with your parents will give you adequate 'at home' support with two young children, and the time you spend with your husband will be so much more precious.

Try it- if he hates it he can try and look for something closer to home, but in the meantime would be really making a big dint in your debt repayment. Good luck!!

Thanks - some really good advice there

[clearmydebts]

Originally Posted by tototo

Wherever there is money I will go, we live to make money, otherwise you'll be in even deeper debt with 2 babies, one man's low salary and unhappiness. All you need now is to clear the debts. If you trust your hubby why not let him go, that is a good income honestly, and you'd see each other weekly, less arguments, more money, kids are fed and hopefully eating away that debt.

Thanks for the advice

[clearmydebts]

Originally Posted by gigibelle23

Why not consider all of you moving to Germany? I know you're homesick for Ireland but maybe a change from where you are now will help. I've spent a lot of time working in Germany and have grown to love the country immensely. I didn't know any German before I went but it isn't too difficult to pick up (Michel Thomas does a wonderful audio course) and I have found the Germans I've met to be wonderful, warm and cultured people. Whereabouts is his job? Perhaps he could go there first and get settled and then you could move over after your baby is born and you feel ready. It would be a way of him earning the money and you staying together. Just a thought ;o)

I have been homesick for the last 15 months & we did move to a different place in the UK (where we have more friends) to see if that could help but unfortunately the homesickness has not gone away.

I did suggest to OH that perhaps I could go out there for a week every month etc. I am defo willing to go back and forth and wouldn't expect him to be flying back all the time.

Thanks for the post