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How to stop crying at a funeral
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# 1
bellamonkey
Old 26-07-2010, 1:12 PM
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Default How to stop crying at a funeral

I have a funeral to go to. I am so bad that I always sob all the way through, I am wondering if there are any tips to help me to try and hold myself together. I know it is ok to cry, but I am terrible, blubbing all over the place. Please help. I don't even know if I will be able to go, I am crying just typing this out. Help.......... I need something to calm me down.
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# 2
1sttimer
Old 26-07-2010, 1:22 PM
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Oh dear - I know just what you mean - I do too! If the person has been close to you, then it's very understandable of how upset you will be. The best thing to concentrate on is the happy times you had with them, and try to be focused on that. Sometimes the vicar (or whoever) gives a good story which can be really nice and often can raise a smile, which often helps you to think nice thoughts.

I often look around the church/funeral home/crematorium to distract myself and often bite my lip, but I really don't think tears will be frowned upon.

So, good luck and don't worry - just take plenty of hankies (not tissues as they disintergrate when they are wet!) men sizes are more ideal and just be yourself.
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# 3
poorly scammo
Old 26-07-2010, 1:33 PM
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I don't know why you're so concerned about it OP. There's nothing wrong with crying. If you cannot cry at a funeral when can you cry? I get very annoyed at exhibitions of the 'stiff upper lip'.

As the poster above has said, just take plenty of hankies.
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# 4
Jox
Old 26-07-2010, 2:01 PM
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I'm a big sobber too and all I can suggest is that if you wear make up is to wear waterproof mascara and keep a little mirror in your pocket (sounds really vain and shallow but after a good cry I can see myself later and have a streaky face and runny nose and feel even worse that people saw me like that). I'm going to my auntie's funeral next week
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# 5
Zazen999
Old 26-07-2010, 2:04 PM
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I cry at weddings, funerals [even if I didn't actually like the person]; and anything formal.....probably stems from having to attend church as a child and the memories of the descriptions and the guilt laid on me for doing nothing out of the ordinary...I even have to hold back tears at team meetings if someone starts gushing about a project that's going really well.....

Take tissues, foundation and powder, let it go whilst you are there and touch up later. I usually try to imagine something really dull [in my case, peeling carrots], and it usually works to bore me into stopping......
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# 6
ellay864
Old 26-07-2010, 5:23 PM
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I cry loads as well but have gievn up trying to stop myself - if anything I think that makes me worse. Last funeral I went to was for a work colleague's 12yr old son who died very suddenly. I have two teenage sons myself and I knew it would be hard - I bawled my eyes out next to my boss of all people who ended up having to 'nurse' me through it. But nobody will ever think anything bad of you for showing emotion. If you feel really bad maybe sit towards the back and near the end of the row so you could can quickly make a break for some air afterwards
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# 7
Badger_Lady
Old 26-07-2010, 5:28 PM
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It doesn't work for everyone, and if you're using contraception it might be a problem, but I take a St John's Wort tincture in a cup of tea a couple of times a day if I'm feeling emotional. It helps me to hold things together and appear normal for a short period.

If you don't want to do that, perhaps something like Rescue Remedy would help to take the sting out?

Personally, it's when I think of the happy times we shared that I get particularly tearful... those are the times that I'll miss
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# 8
JRRD
Old 26-07-2010, 6:44 PM
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I am a real blubber. Cry at just about anything, my tough times, other peoples tough times, certain music, medal ceremonies !!
But I have been to a few funerals of distant relatives on my husbands side, (who I probably only met once) and feel I need to not be crying at the drop of a hat.

I have found that I have been able to detatch myself by not catching anyones eye during the service and really trying to NOT listen properly to what the vicar is saying. Then the words don't have the same heart tugging impact that it having on closer family members.

If it is someone close ( and i am yet to be in that situation) then I think we would regret spending the time trying not to cry and actually missing on the poignant things said about the valued family member........ so just go with the flow, as it were.
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# 9
honeybear
Old 26-07-2010, 7:04 PM
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It might sound ridiculous but looking up can really help to stop the tears. I've used this to help me get through some pretty tough situations.

Though I agree with others on here, there's no shame in tears
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# 10
charlies-aunt
Old 26-07-2010, 7:38 PM
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Don't feel ashamed - just let yourself cry - its a natural & normal thing to feel sad at the final goodbye to someone you have known . . . you're not hurting anyone else and its better for you than repressing and bottling up all those sad feelings.
Life is short and tough - so give yourself a break and have a good cry if you need one.... no-one is going to reproach you.
My husband is a professional funeral services worker and despite dealing with death every day - there are still occasions during funerals when he (and his colleagues) get a big lump in their throats.

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# 11
bellamonkey
Old 26-07-2010, 7:55 PM
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Thank you so much everyone. I know it's ok to cry, but I can't stop when I get started. You are a lovely bunch of people and some really sweet replies. I will let you know how it goes.
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# 12
kerrydrobertson
Old 26-07-2010, 10:25 PM
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i think its only natural that people cry at funerals. I have started to cry a couple times when ive passed churches and other people are crying and i dont even know the people.
I kind of know what you mean though, i feel a bit funny about crying loads at funerals, my face goes really red and swollen and is quite embarassing.
Hope you will be ok though, let it all out if you need to, there is nothing wrong with it
x
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# 13
dawnteabag
Old 26-07-2010, 10:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bellamonkey View Post
Thank you so much everyone. I know it's ok to cry, but I can't stop when I get started. You are a lovely bunch of people and some really sweet replies. I will let you know how it goes.
Hpe all goes well. I'm a sobber so know how you feel. My tip is lfocus on something above eye level in the distance - that way you can listen but somehow feel a bit detached - avoid eye contact with anyone who might 'set you off' and if the worrst comes to the worst, stick your finger nails into your hands. Beware tho - this can leave marks on your hands for the rest of the day if you do it too much ;-)
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# 14
a_sav
Old 27-07-2010, 10:00 PM
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Bachs-Rescue Remedy the spray has really helped me this year at funerals hth and all goes well
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# 15
Pennylane
Old 27-07-2010, 11:02 PM
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I cry too - seems there are a lot of us about.

I lost a really good friend last year (51) and cried all the way through. I felt terrible because her partner, sister, B-I-L, nephew etc all managed not to. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, but if they can all manage it why can't I?

Take a pair of dark glasses, in addition to your hankies and Rescue Remedy pastilles or liquid drops. On occasions when I have not been too bad at funerals I try and avoid looking at the closest relatives because I can't bear seeing their distress and that sets me off.
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# 16
rubytuesday
Old 27-07-2010, 11:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a_sav View Post
Bachs-Rescue Remedy the spray has really helped me this year at funerals hth and all goes well
That is what I was going to say. I bought some for my sister in law and it helped her but don't worry too much.
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# 17
puss14
Old 28-07-2010, 6:47 AM
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I am also quite emotional at funerals. Recently I want to my aunties funeral and my dad commented that it was the younger generation that found the service most difficult. Possibly he was referring to my cousins and I and I did feel like a bit embarrassed as I try not to be too emotional in public but surely a funeral is an ok place to cry? I was coping ok until my cousin (aunties son) spoke about his mum and was having a difficult time keeping it together and that was it I was gone. Surely crying helps with the grieving process and people who are there all cared about the person who passed regardless of their outward reactions.
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# 18
bellamonkey
Old 28-07-2010, 4:48 PM
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Hi everyone.

Would just like to say a big thank you to everyone who replied to my call of help. It was all very useful information. Luckily it was a bright day so wore sunglasses, which I felt hid some of my tears. I drank lots of camomile tea before I went and took Bach Remedy lotion (I think I nearly finished the bottle). Also looking slightly upwards did help hold some of the tears back. It was a very sad day but was helped by all you lovely people. Yes, and 'It is Ok to cry a funerals'. I still sobbed my heart out, but it didn't matter.
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# 19
charlies-aunt
Old 28-07-2010, 7:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bellamonkey View Post
Would just like to say a big thank you to everyone who replied to my call of help. It was all very useful information. Luckily it was a bright day so wore sunglasses, which I felt hid some of my tears. I drank lots of camomile tea before I went and took Bach Remedy lotion (I think I nearly finished the bottle). Also looking slightly upwards did help hold some of the tears back. It was a very sad day but was helped by all you lovely people. Yes, and 'It is Ok to cry a funerals'. I still sobbed my heart out, but it didn't matter.
Pleased to know that you got through it okay x Tears are very healing and do help the grieving process. x x Take care X X

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# 20
honeybear
Old 28-07-2010, 9:28 PM
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Sending you hugs, babe. Glad you got through it ok
xx
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