Is she giving me mixed signals or not??

Tinuel
Tinuel Posts: 392
First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
Forumite
Hi,
I have been previously been told here that I read too much into things, and maybe I do, but this time I think I am probably right. I am trying to work it out with my ex, she is in the States. She says she loves me in one minute, but on the other, says that she does not want to be with someone, that she is single, she does not know if she will be able to jump into a relationship again.
A couple of days later, she says we have to take steady steps in order to make it work, not to rush it, etc. She loves me but she needs to work on herself, etc.
This has been ongoing since she left, a good few months, so I asked her, can we at least make a commitment to one another? Let’s treat this as dating, at first she said no, second time no, third time maybe.

There is a guy, I think getting too close to her too. I asked her, has he tried to chat you up? Is he flirting? She got really angry and said that I should not be asking this stuff; we are not together so why are you asking? Etc, etc.

This morning I told her, I feel you are sending me mixed signals, sometimes you want it and we talk about getting together, other times you say you want to remain single, and you do not want a relationship… That hurts me and leaves me confused; I think it’s better to not discuss the relationship unless you are dead certain of what you want. Contact me, relation-wise, when you have decided that you want to go forward and jump into it again, if I am still interested and have not moved on, we can try again. She lost it, went ballistic, saying things like, how dare you, I got feelings for you, are you calling me a liar, are you accusing me of being unstable, etc. She does not want to talk to me ever again, will leave my life and the only contact we will have is concerning my daughter.

What do you guys think, I said it because I feel half-way, sometimes she wants, sometimes she does not want. That is confusing to me. I tried to explain that by talking to her about my concern, I meant no offence or doubting her love, but she won’t talk to me ever again, she said.
Member 7 of 100 to 10k - £100 to £10k = £149
«13

Comments

  • Sounds like you need to realise why she is an ex.

    If she loved you, she would want to be with you, no questions, no hesitations.
    There is a guy, I think getting too close to her too. I asked her, has he tried to chat you up? Is he flirting? She got really angry and said that I should not be asking this stuff; we are not together so why are you asking? Etc, etc.

    Sounds like you are a convenient safety net, if this thing fails with guy b, then she will suddenly disover that she loves you.

    Some people in relationships are like monkeys swinging through trees, they can't let go of one branch till they have another in their grasp.

    Do yourself a favor and find someone who wants to be with you.
    This morning I told her, I feel you are sending me mixed signals, sometimes you want it and we talk about getting together, other times you say you want to remain single, and you do not want a relationship… That hurts me and leaves me confused; I think it’s better to not discuss the relationship unless you are dead certain of what you want. Contact me, relation-wise, when you have decided that you want to go forward and jump into it again, if I am still interested and have not moved on, we can try again. She lost it, when mental, saying things like, how dare you, I got feelings for you, are you calling me a liar, are you accusing me of being unstable, etc. She does not want to talk to me ever again, will leave my life and the only contact we will have is concerning my daughter.

    Stick to your guns on this.
    :grin: PPI Reclaimed £15,500 - between 2008 & 2014 :grin:
    :grin:Mortgage Free - 15th July 2009 :grin:
    :grin: Debt Free - 14th Jan 2011 :grin:
    It's possible.
  • Usually, when people say they don't want to be in a relationship with anybody right now what they really mean is that they don't want to be in a relationship with you. It sounds like she lost her rag with you because you were asking her for a "yes" or a "no", nothing inbetween and she got angry because she either couldn't or wouldn't give you a straight answer. Maybe she doesn't really know herself but I suspect that she does
  • mummy_Jay
    mummy_Jay Posts: 495 Forumite
    She's thousands of miles from home, I'm guessing she may get a little home sick at times and you are her contact with home, so she reaches out to you but this is also her chance to change her world completely. SO I'm guessing she's confussed but I'm sorry to say that I think the hope she's giving you is homesickness rather than hope.

    As for getting angry when you bring up the attentions from this other guy, maybe she feels guilty for enjoying the attentions or maybe he's pushing his luck and upsetting her and its easier to shout at you than him (he maybe a college or boss I'm guessing).

    My advise is treat her like a friend and tell her that right now you want to be her best mate nothing more, if this guys a problem or not your happy to be there and listen to her if thats what she needs. If she move on it will hurt you but it may also help you move on. If you can turn what you have into a strong friendship that would be the ideal for your daughter.

    You are the father of her child and you just drifted apart so she probably does love you but just isn't in love with you. Aim to be her friend nothing more.
  • springclean
    springclean Posts: 110 Forumite
    edited 2 November 2009 at 5:34PM
    in response to thread title - yes.

    i liken this to feeling as if the other person has a fishing line attached to you. they keep you at a length, but with the line attached, and when you start wriggling to get away, they reel you in a bit with promises or favours. when you're closer, you stop flapping about, so they relax back, and let go the line. while ever you let him, they will reel you in and let you out as they wish.

    sounds to me like she wants attention, but she doesn't want you. sorry for being blunt, but i have been there (and i am a woman by the way, it works both ways).

    the reason she got angry is because you called her on it. is the other guy flirting? does it matter? she could have started it anyway, and he may be on another of her lines.

    your stance was a good one, as it will at least bring your relationship to a head one way or the other. i have to wonder though why you would want to be with someone who can't make up their mind whether they want you or not.

    btw, it's not wrong to look into things, especially if they don't feel right, and it's nice to know there are some men out there with that range of feelings. you just need a good dose of confidence to not accept second best. life's too short.
  • January20
    January20 Posts: 3,769
    Debt-free and Proud!
    Forumite
    I think that while she is in the States, you should take a step back and give her some breathing space. How can you have any relationship with somebody who is so far away? How can you have a commitment and take steps forward to a proper relationship under those circumstances?

    Treat her as what she is at the moment: your ex and your daughter's mother. Anything else can wait until she gets back. And try and enjoy your life as it is now without adding pressure to it. What's the hurry?
    LBM: August 2006 £12,568.49 - DFD 22nd March 2012
    "The road to DF is long and bumpy" GreenSaints
  • Zoetoes
    Zoetoes Posts: 2,496 Forumite
    'Wants to have cake and eat it' springs to mind. I read it like she's keeping her options open.
    If you're going to stalk me, while you're at it can you cut the grass, feed the dog & make sure I've got bread & milk in :D
  • Oldernotwiser
    Oldernotwiser Posts: 37,425 Forumite
    zoeleigh wrote: »
    'Wants to have cake and eat it' springs to mind. I read it like she's keeping her options open.

    Which would be a very sensible thing to do.
  • Zoetoes
    Zoetoes Posts: 2,496 Forumite
    Which would be a very sensible thing to do.

    There's looking after yourself and then there's stringing someone along.

    Not that I am saying this is the case because obviously I don't know the situation, I'm just saying what came to my mind when I read the post.
    If you're going to stalk me, while you're at it can you cut the grass, feed the dog & make sure I've got bread & milk in :D
  • before i ever read that there was another guy trying to get close that it was came into my head, mate she is keeping you as a safety net, a doormat, be a man, you's r both single, say to her you r going out to meet other woman, that your not gonna be a safety net and keep your life on hold for no 1, if she sees that she has this hold on you your life will be a misery for the next while, best to cut lose the strings and say you's need a break from eachother, wish her luck whatever she does, and go and enjoy your life, if she wanted to be with you she WOULD be with you, not taking the pi55 outta you keeping you hanging on..
  • LJM
    LJM Posts: 4,535 Forumite
    just contact her again and say you respect her wishes and then ask to discuss your child situation and leave it at that i agree there isnt alot you can do being so far apart
    :xmastree:Is loving life right now,yes I am a soppy fool who believes in the simple things in life :xmastree:
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 342.4K Banking & Borrowing
  • 249.9K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.4K Spending & Discounts
  • 234.6K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 607K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 172.8K Life & Family
  • 247.4K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.8K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards