Advice - ex-SIL had a baby - unsure of paternity

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  • LameWolf
    LameWolf Posts: 11,234 Forumite
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    avogadro wrote: »
    The child, too, deserves to know who his real (biological) father is!
    ^ ^ ^ This. I don't know for certain if the man I was brought up to call my father (and who was my mother's husband) actually was my biological father. There is a lot of room for doubt. And I have no way of ever finding out.
    If your dog thinks you're the best, don't seek a second opinion.;)
  • PasturesNew
    PasturesNew Posts: 70,698 Forumite
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    They need a paternity test. It's morally bankrupt to register any child with a false father's name.

    This needs to be sorted ASAP.

    There should never be any doubt whatsoever who the father is - and the registration/birth certificate should contain the truth.

    This isn't about any of them.... it's the baby's right to know who its parents are.

    Get it done, remove all possible doubt and years of wondering/bickering/faffing about
  • x.sophie.x
    x.sophie.x Posts: 279 Forumite
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    So I had a conversation with BIL at the weekend. He didn't know ex-SIL gave birth until I showed him the photos the new partners family had posted on social media.

    He feels 50/50 about whether the baby is his or not. It's very hard to know who the baby looks like from what we have seen so far (it just looks like a baby). I told him he should get a paternity test asap via courts - as has been suggested on this thread.

    He wants to wait for a while. I think he still loves his ex, because he said he wants her and the baby to have a good life, and he doesn't want rock the boat for her by exposing all her lies. (like !!!!!!... let me do it!!!). Also I really don't think it is fair on the new partner either... but at the same time- I can't get involved as these decisions need to be left with my BIL.
  • chesky
    chesky Posts: 1,341 Forumite
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    ... I can't get involved ...

    You're giving a very good impression of it.
  • x.sophie.x
    x.sophie.x Posts: 279 Forumite
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    edited 5 September 2017 at 1:02AM
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    chesky wrote: »
    ... I can't get involved ...

    You're giving a very good impression of it.

    I can understand your point of view.

    All I can say is that I'm using this forum to
    A) get advice for my BIL - so my husband and I can help him in the best way possible
    B) express my frustration without stirring the pot in real life.

    I also spent a significant amount of time with ex-SIL because she had no friends/family/money. I paid for nights out/ meals/parties etc. I bought her into my friendship group and tried to be a good friend. I feel I was also betrayed- as soon as she got caught out she completely ghosted me and everyone I know.
  • badmemory
    badmemory Posts: 7,791 Forumite
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    edited 5 September 2017 at 9:59AM
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    Perhaps it may be an idea to look at the possible outcomes from the point of view of the child. I think there are 3 but please feel free to add more.

    1. The child is brought up in the other family, ignorant of any issues, with the new man there to protect it from the ex-SIL.

    2. The ex-SIL is thrown out of new relationship & comes back to to BIL, who stays with her to protect the child from its mother who may well be resentful of what has happened.

    3. She brings up the child as a single parent with no-one to protect it. If the ex-SIL is prepared to use people then she most likely will not be averse to using the child.

    Unless there are possible inherited problems then it may well be best for the child to let sleeping dogs lie. The child is most important here, it did not ask to be put in this situation. If she comes back to the BIL how long will it be before that child hears something, will the whole family be able to keep quiet for the rest of time even if the child does turn out to be the BILs.

    If it is true about the infrequent sex (you can't be sure of the truth of that statement) then the reason for it could be to cover herself in case the new relationship collapses when she does get pregnant.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,557 Forumite
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    badmemory wrote: »
    I think there are 3 but please feel free to add more.

    1. The child is brought up in the other family, ignorant of any issues, with the new man there to protect it from the ex-SIL.

    2. The ex-SIL is thrown out of new relationship & comes back to to BIL, who stays with her to protect the child from its mother who may well be resentful of what has happened.

    3. She brings up the child as a single parent with no-one to protect it. If the ex-SIL is prepared to use people then she most likely will not be averse to using the child.

    4. She goes from man to man throughout the child's life - giving the child a string of 'fathers'.
  • shiny76
    shiny76 Posts: 548 Forumite
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    x.sophie.x wrote: »
    I told him he should get a paternity test asap via courts - as has been suggested on this thread.
    She may be more willing to agree to a paternity test if the alternative is her husband exposing the truth. Something along the lines of
    I need to put remove the doubt about paternity, would you agree to a paternity test so I can move on with my life

    rather than
    If you don't agree to a paternity test then I'll let your new bloke and his family know all about your infidelity

    TBagpuss also makes a good point about inhertitance rights etc
  • badmemory
    badmemory Posts: 7,791 Forumite
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    edited 5 September 2017 at 1:59PM
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    4. She goes from man to man throughout the child's life - giving the child a string of 'fathers'.

    Very good point & I suppose pretty much guaranteed with option 3.

    I suppose we could hope that she leaves the child behind with one or the other but then there would be the benefits to consider.

    ETA I think shiny's way of requesting a paternity test is a good one.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,557 Forumite
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    I've heard of a case where the woman brought another baby along to the GPs for the test so that the result would show he wasn't the father.

    If she's determined to make the new man believe he's the father, that's something to watch for.
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