How to avoid meeting up
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Sunny_Saver
Posts: 3,044 Forumite
A friend passed away several years ago. Prior to that time I had not seen her or her OH for a few years as they were always busy.
I only found out about my friend's death a few months after it happened. The husband didn't want to see people after my friend's passing.
Almost a year later, I bumped into him. He was looking really well. My husband and I invited him around for lunch - he stayed for about seven or eight hours :eek:... far too long, especially when there is nothing to talk about and when you have work to get ready for the next day.
Since then he's invited me out for lunch/coffee several times - me not my husband and I. I think this is because he doesn't want to pay for my OH, when he's only a 'one' and we're a 'two', if that makes sense. He's old enough to be my grandfather, so no there is no romantic ideas!
TBH, I'm happy to say Hi and small talk if I bump into him in the street, but it's painful meeting up as he's obviously lonely and wants to talk forevvvvvvver.
He often texts saying it's been so long since I saw you etc. There are only so many 'I'm not free this week', 'I'm busy' you can use.
Without hurting this old man's feelings, any suggestions on how to get out of meeting up please?
I only found out about my friend's death a few months after it happened. The husband didn't want to see people after my friend's passing.
Almost a year later, I bumped into him. He was looking really well. My husband and I invited him around for lunch - he stayed for about seven or eight hours :eek:... far too long, especially when there is nothing to talk about and when you have work to get ready for the next day.
Since then he's invited me out for lunch/coffee several times - me not my husband and I. I think this is because he doesn't want to pay for my OH, when he's only a 'one' and we're a 'two', if that makes sense. He's old enough to be my grandfather, so no there is no romantic ideas!
TBH, I'm happy to say Hi and small talk if I bump into him in the street, but it's painful meeting up as he's obviously lonely and wants to talk forevvvvvvver.
He often texts saying it's been so long since I saw you etc. There are only so many 'I'm not free this week', 'I'm busy' you can use.
Without hurting this old man's feelings, any suggestions on how to get out of meeting up please?
“It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Comments
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I think he does sound lonely.
Is there any way you can meet him for a fairly brief coffee?0 -
I think he is, but I really rather not because a. I don't drink tea or coffee in coffee shops; b. If I do it once, he'll want to do it again the following week or the week after.
TBH, I think it's best not to meet up at all, as obviously it was fine not to when his wife was alive, I didn't see them for maybe three years [edit: actually 41/2 years], so it can't be that I mean so much to him/them, but I just don't know the easiest way to say no without sounding mean.
I'm happy to keep it to a Christmas card once a year and a quick chat in the street. However, the few times I have bumped into him, the brief chat was never 'brief'.
To me, meeting friends should be an enjoyable event not one where you dread or think 'I wonder what time I can go home?' or 'when is he going home?'.“It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald0 -
If you see him once a month for 2 hours it is not going to be a huge burden to you and it will be very valuable for him. Either cook for him or have a walk with him or invite him to watch a film or go with him to library. Just be more assertive next time he over stays his welcome, I really do not think it is benefitial to anybody to be "polite" and not show the guest the door (nicely but firmly) if as a result of it there will be no meetings at all in the future. One day your husband may be in his shoes , I am sure you would have wanted someone to spare 2 hours a month for him and brighten his life.The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
OP, I understand how you feel. I ended up in a somewhat similar situation with a neighbour who's wife had died. He was very lonely and I felt sorry for him. It went from chatting in the street, to him calling at my door for 'a chat'. Regularly. It became impossible to get rid of him. The last straw was one evening when he called round and I told him I was just about to get a bath before going out. He said 'That's ok, you have your bath' and plonked himself down on the sofa!!
It's very sad to know someone is lonely but it's not your job to keep other people happy if it makes you uncomfortable. It's not fair on you and it's not right to pretend to enjoy someone's company anyway. Eventually you'll become resentful and it'll show. Perhaps you could suggest some local clubs or groups where he could meet people his own age? There's bound to be something in the area.
ETA: not sure how old he actually is, but Age UK have a befriending service. Maybe he'd like that?0 -
OP, I understand how you feel. I ended up in a somewhat similar situation with a neighbour who's wife had died. He was very lonely and I felt sorry for him. It went from chatting in the street, to him calling at my door for 'a chat'. Regularly. It became impossible to get rid of him. The last straw was one evening when he called round and I told him I was just about to get a bath before going out. He said 'That's ok, you have your bath' and plonked himself down on the sofa!!
It's very sad to know someone is lonely but it's not your job to keep other people happy if it makes you uncomfortable. It's not fair on you and it's not right to pretend to enjoy someone's company anyway. Eventually you'll become resentful and it'll show. Perhaps you could suggest some local clubs or groups where he could meet people his own age? There's bound to be something in the area.
That's completely different, there is no suggestion this chap is turning up at Sunny's door. They're simply asking to meet for an occasional coffee.
Sunny, coffee shops sell plenty of different drinks, you not drinking tea or coffee is a useless excuse. I think you're being selfish, giving a few hours once a month is no great hardship. Sadly you're a sign of the times, loneliness is becoming endemic because people won't give a little time to help others.0 -
I wouldn't want someone spending time with me because they felt forced to. Anyone would hate that.
The OP spending time with this man will not solve his loneliness anyway. They will have no connection between them and it will be obvious to him. He needs friends who enjoy his company. It's different if it was family, but this man is the husband of a friend the OP had lost contact with 3 years before.
It's very sad that so many people are lonely and I wish I knew how to solve that but I know it's not by forcing people to spend time together, using guilt.0 -
This man has a family. He has children, grandchildren, so he is not alone alone. He sees some of them weekly and his daughter several times a week.
When I asked to meet up with him and his wife years ago, they were 'too busy'.
Ok I'll be truthful, I dont go to coffee shops because I find them overpriced and dull. I dont want to waste my money on drinks that are a fraction of the cost if I made at home or bought in Sainsbury. I shouldn't be ashamed of saying that as I am on MSE after all.
The point is, if we were that great friends surely we would have seen each other prior to her passing or someone in his family would have told me she had passed. I know that they put an ad to notify people of her funeral in the town where she grew up, but not down here, so no one can say they were too upset to tell people.
If he were half his age, say 40, would you give the same advice, ie that I am selfish and should spend time with him?
He is in his 80s, has a large family, goes to the gym, has been on holiday on his own since his wife died, goes out with neighbours.
I just dont like being made to feel uncomfortable. The time he came for lunch, it was lunch that week, then the following week he wanted lunch again, then week after coffee. It's not a few hours a month he wants, it's hours a week. I dont even see my close friends that often.“It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald0 -
I hate to mention it Sunny, and I'm not at all saying this is the case, but are you sure he has no romantic feelings for you? Age doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't. Only reason I say that is because you mention he doesn't want your husband to come with you. And your description above of the holiday/gym/regular family visits etc doesn't give the impression of someone lost and alone.0
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ripplyuk: my aunty's next-door neighbour left him, think they were in their 70s. My aunty used to chat to the old guy. He then started to wait outside when she returned from work. I think she started to stay out later just to avoid him.“It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald0 -
I hate to mention it Sunny, and I'm not at all saying this is the case, but are you sure he has no romantic feelings for you? Age doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't. Only reason I say that is because you mention he doesn't want your husband to come with you. And your description above of the holiday/gym/regular family visits etc doesn't give the impression of someone lost and alone.
I dont think so. I hope not!!:eek:“It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald0
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