Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with

Gigglepig · 22 May 2015 at 6:27PM

bigAunty, I know a fair few QA people but have never come across like someone with the traits that you describe. Sounds more like the person has issues which make them particularly inflexible and set on certain routines ( ocd, autism spectrum etc etc... )
To me the big question is why they are like this, are they just bossy and rude, or is it a coping strategy?

Errata · 22 May 2015 at 6:28PM

Sounds like you both make each other's life hell. Who benefits?

ladymarmalade1970 · 22 May 2015 at 6:33PM

I know QA people and i also know project managers. A couple of PM's i know are worriers and obviously i don't know what they are like at home but this seems extreme...

Georgiegirl256 · 22 May 2015 at 6:39PM

Before I can answer properly, it would be handy to know what the set up is. Is your partner working full time and you a housewife? Are you working full time or part time?

I can see it from both sides atm.

Flyonthewall · 22 May 2015 at 6:40PM

BigAunty wrote: »

Our house isn't that clean, actually! We both don't really have much time or inclination for cleaning, work long hours, so it only usually gets a big spring clean when we have visitors with a bit of interim cleaning in between.

Well just organised/things in set places then. The rest still applies.

Partner is an expert in their field of Quality Assurance with such a strong CV and personal recommendations that they barely have to apply for jobs or attend interviews but get parachuted in by invitation. I wonder whether the traits that make a good QA - systematically uncovering inconsistencies and defects, make them fussy in the domestic sphere.

That said, I have professional qualifications and experience in Project Management and I don't draw up plans, budgets and risk logs for personal tasks...

Possibly. Everyone's different. There may be project management out there that do draw up plans and budgets at home. Just because you don't do it doesn't mean others are the same.

Lights get switched off over my head and mug/coaster gets moved in front of me. The pouring of wine is strictly limited to half way up the glass which is apparently the optimum quantity for maximum breathing and the right type of glass must be used. I must ensure the screw cap is back on tight and wipe the neck of the bottle. If given a recipe to cook for guests, I must not deviate from it by using different ingredients or herbs than those listed. Also, I mustn't eat their cheese without permission as it's expensive and though they barely ever eat biscuits I must never finish a packet by myself but must leave some in the packet because its rude to eat the whole packet even over the course of a week (okay, I am a greedy snacker and can pretty much get through an entire packet of jaffas in one sitting).

I guess the question is, do they feel the need to do these things? Do they feel something bad will happen if they don't? If so, they quite possibly have OCD.

Otherwise it's either a habit and/or them being controlling.

Perhaps you should sit down and have a conversation about it. Try not to complain. Maybe just ask about one or two things to start with. When they next turn off the light ask why they've done it. See if they feel they need to do that or even realising they are doing that.

pinkshoes · 22 May 2015 at 6:47PM

If my OH did that, he would be told "if you criticise my cooking once more, then you will be wearing it"!

Sometimes it takes a harsh comment to make someone realise how grating their criticism is.

BigAunty · 22 May 2015 at 6:48PM

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Before I can answer properly, it would be handy to know what the set up is. Is your partner working full time and you a housewife? Are you working full time or part time?

I can see it from both sides atm.

Both in full time employment. Hands up, I am untidy around the house and do forget to do things like the litter tray or empty the dishwasher (who ever gets home first does this type of daily activity). I don't forget to feed the cats because cats have ways of insisting....

mellymoo74 · 22 May 2015 at 6:52PM

Sounds like OCD OH is like this (worse at the mo)
Coping strategy I keep repeating he can't help it in my head

Jagraf · 22 May 2015 at 6:56PM

My husband says I am like this with him sometimes, although I don't care how much wine is poured and definitely eat all the biscuits.:)

But I do criticise him quite a lot because he does things the quickest way possible which isn't always the best. For example, he will cook a lovely meal but won't do the whole job, he will leave the cooker filthy and won't put things back in the fridge, or will fill the dishwasher up with bits of food still on the Plates. He washes clothes then leaves half of them in the washing machine which means they then need a boil wash. My argument is that if he's going to cause me more work, its not a help or a favour. It's not as bad as your situation, but it does make me think I might be being harsh.

KiKi · 22 May 2015 at 6:56PM

Before everyone shouts 'dump him' or 'abuse' - is he actually aware that he does this? Some people just really don't realise that they're affecting others. He may think he's giving 'helpful feedback' and has no idea how bad it's become.

I had a friend like this who was mortified when I told her that her way of 'being funny' and 'making conversation' was actually to criticise everyone else or tell stories of how someone else screwed up. She's a good person - she just didn't realise what she was doing. She used to 'tell' me what to do - and I had to point out to her that I was her peer, not a child. She really hadn't appreciate her tone of voice or how critical she'd become.

Have you told him that he does this and how it affects you? Does he recognise he does it?

KiKi

Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with

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