Husband has had an emotional affair

"My bitter experience is that "emotional" affairs often turn out to be outright lies that are either just about to turn physical or actual affairs where the cheating party is trying to spin things-out a bit longer till they are ready to jump."

SO true, Pogofish. You are right to be devastated - this is betrayal of trust on a huge scale. It makes even my skin crawl (and I don't know any of the parties!), to think of your husband talking about you with this person, discussing you in god-knows-what way. But you can bet he will have laid it on thickly about your bad points, in order to gain sympathy etc. We all know how men do this, don't we, girls? The doe-eyed expression, the doleful tale told in a faltering voice..."my wife..doesn't understand me"!!!

Sickening! I can't think of ANY reason why a man married for 33 years would open up to a female colleague, to the extent that they are constantly in communication, night and day - unless he wanted to get in her knickers.

ska_lover wrote: »

Please can I ask, If it were another man, would people still think the same?

This question is spot on!

Despite the fact that I agree with OP in regards to this being an "emotional affair" - if I was in this situation myself and my OH was talking to another male 50 times a day, I probably wouldn't bat an eyelid and that's me being completely honest.

However, if it was another female I would use all the strength i have in me and throw my OH out a closed window.

Surely it's not about the 50 texts but about what was said in these texts. I could be silly banter, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It is a bit odd if it's a daily thing, but once a week or so it's not shocking.

What isn't normal friendship is texting in the middle of the night saying in essence 'I miss you'. That implies dependency. That's possible in a long term friendship, but that's not a healthy one between married people.

I was where OP was some 6 years ago. After a similar length marriage. It was as it were a fantasy affair that on one occasion turned real. it was borne out of depression but that doesn't make it any easier to cope with and he refused to give up their 'very special' friendship.

Today I am single, and so is he. She dumped him. I think it took him several years to climb out of the hole he'd dug for himself. Once I realised that all trust had gone, it took a surprisingly short time for me to enjoy being free. No more compromises, no more treading on eggshells in case it upset him, no more trying to prop up a marriage that was over. I don't think the emotional hurt ever goes away, but, boy, is freedom good.

Mojisola wrote: »

If it were a male friend and he texted 'wish you were home', yes, I'd be concerned at just what their relationship was like.

What would you be concerned about?