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  • FIRST POST
    • Outsider_83
    • By Outsider_83 20th Mar 17, 9:09 AM
    • 32Posts
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    Outsider_83
    Developing Feelings in a Relationship
    • #1
    • 20th Mar 17, 9:09 AM
    Developing Feelings in a Relationship 20th Mar 17 at 9:09 AM
    Hi All,

    I recently posted on here looking for some early dating advice and got some good feedback.

    I've been out of the dating/relationship scene for a long time so much of this is new and a little but scary for me. The girl I'm seeing said that after three weeks everything was going good, her mind says yes but she's unsure if she could fall in love. Apparently in the past it's been instant albeit ending in disaster for her.

    I suggested three weeks was too soon to have such genuine emotions for either of us but things were going well and we could build on that. She then wondered if by the time she had such feelings I might be gone.

    I'm not sure if this is a normal conversation to be having after three weeks or if I should be running for the hills, what are your thoughts?
    Last edited by Outsider_83; 20-03-2017 at 9:30 AM.
Page 1
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 20th Mar 17, 9:15 AM
    • 10,232 Posts
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    margaretclare
    • #2
    • 20th Mar 17, 9:15 AM
    • #2
    • 20th Mar 17, 9:15 AM
    She has obviously been hurt badly in the past. It's possible to fall in love very quickly - or slowly - but there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to go about it.

    We got together when we were in our 60s. I fell in love very quickly but he took much longer about it - he'd been badly hurt and was very cautious. It has worked out well - 20 years and we're still together, still happy, still love each other.

    Take it slowly and see how it goes - don't force anything. Happiness is apt to creep up on you when you don't notice it.
    Ær ic wisdom funde, ær wearð ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • Sunny Saver
    • By Sunny Saver 20th Mar 17, 9:30 AM
    • 2,781 Posts
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    Sunny Saver
    • #3
    • 20th Mar 17, 9:30 AM
    • #3
    • 20th Mar 17, 9:30 AM
    Hard to say what is normal for some people and not for others. Just take each day as it comes and trust your own feelings. If you don't feel comfortable or happy with what she says, then trust that feeling.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 20th Mar 17, 10:45 AM
    • 15,627 Posts
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    FBaby
    • #4
    • 20th Mar 17, 10:45 AM
    • #4
    • 20th Mar 17, 10:45 AM
    It could be that she feels you would be the right person for her, she likes you but isn't so far attracted by you and doesn't know if she evercwill be. She is telling you that as she doesn't know if or when the feelings will come you might get bored of waiting and look for someone else who wants to take things further.

    If that's the case she's bringing up a good point. How long would you be prepared to wait to see if her feelings for you evolve before you decide you had waited long enough. Of course you might not know this yourself.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 20th Mar 17, 10:55 AM
    • 14,834 Posts
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    Judi
    • #5
    • 20th Mar 17, 10:55 AM
    • #5
    • 20th Mar 17, 10:55 AM
    Feelings... who is to say what is wrong and what is right?

    My first husband i liked him immediately. He was a really nice man and although he wouldnt have made a good male model, i could see him being a good husband and Father. He was older than me and i suppose was more like a Father figure. I loved my relationship with him.

    Second husband..... after the complete and utter failure of my first marriage i was determined that if ever there was going to be another crack at marriage he would be good husband and Father material and would prove to me in more ways than one how much he loves me. He did that alright and my love grew.

    If ever there was a number 3 (in still on number 2) looks as well as the other attributes would be needed.

    I think i'm getting fussy in my old age so i wouldnt hold my breath...
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • justme111
    • By justme111 20th Mar 17, 11:17 AM
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    justme111
    • #6
    • 20th Mar 17, 11:17 AM
    • #6
    • 20th Mar 17, 11:17 AM
    What Fbaby said.
    That is what not right about Internet dating, there is pressure. Why not see internet dating just as an introduction and be friends with her so there will be no pressure.
    • Outsider_83
    • By Outsider_83 20th Mar 17, 11:31 AM
    • 32 Posts
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    Outsider_83
    • #7
    • 20th Mar 17, 11:31 AM
    • #7
    • 20th Mar 17, 11:31 AM
    Thanks Fbaby, it's a tricky one - my gut instinct is to bow out if she usually get feelings immediately. I'm only interested at this stage and would not say I've any feelings but there is the potential of a relationship.
    • tea lover
    • By tea lover 20th Mar 17, 12:00 PM
    • 7,997 Posts
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    tea lover
    • #8
    • 20th Mar 17, 12:00 PM
    • #8
    • 20th Mar 17, 12:00 PM
    Thanks Fbaby, it's a tricky one - my gut instinct is to bow out if she usually get feelings immediately. I'm only interested at this stage and would not say I've any feelings but there is the potential of a relationship.
    Originally posted by Outsider_83
    It doesn't matter what's happened before though. So she usually gets 'feelings' earlier.....so what? None of those relationships can have worked out or she wouldn't be single again. She's being open with you so just chill and see how it goes. There's no rush.
    • Ozzuk
    • By Ozzuk 20th Mar 17, 12:40 PM
    • 1,056 Posts
    • 1,592 Thanks
    Ozzuk
    • #9
    • 20th Mar 17, 12:40 PM
    • #9
    • 20th Mar 17, 12:40 PM
    Perhaps she is confusing lust with love and maybe there just isn't enough of a spark for her. Nothing wrong with a slow burner though and 3 weeks is no time. Are you both exclusive? I'd just carry on as you are if you are enjoying it, if it doesn't work out then view it as (hopefully) a nice experience, confidence builder and set you up for the next one a bit better.
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 20th Mar 17, 12:46 PM
    • 12,815 Posts
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    moneyistooshorttomention
    I would be wondering why she was discussing her feelings (either way) so soon in a relationship personally.

    There are people, I understand, who "fall in love at first sight" and sometimes it really is love. Other times it's just lust. So - I'm guessing that what she actually means in this case is that she "fell in lust" with them at first sight - and subsequently realised it was lust and not love.

    Anyway - either way. Play it by ear and see how things go.

    The only advice I'd give is = Do not under any circumstances get married/live together unless you both genuinely love each other (not just lust/not just thinking the other person is "suitable" and perhaps you'd better 'settle' ).
    ploughing my own furrow...the rain begins with a single drop...

    #I'mWithNoel
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 20th Mar 17, 12:46 PM
    • 4,586 Posts
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    Alikay
    Perhaps she thinks you're a nice guy, and enjoys your company but there's insufficient chemistry as far as she's concerned for her to envisage falling in love.

    In my experience, if it's not there fairly early on, it's not likely to happen. I think it's possible for sparks to suddenly ignite with someone in your circle after a few years of social/workplace contact, but rarely happens if you continue to conduct a romantic relationship with them while waiting to see if it happens.
    • Outsider_83
    • By Outsider_83 20th Mar 17, 12:54 PM
    • 32 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Outsider_83
    Perhaps she thinks you're a nice guy, and enjoys your company but there's insufficient chemistry as far as she's concerned for her to envisage falling in love.

    In my experience, if it's not there fairly early on, it's not likely to happen. I think it's possible for sparks to suddenly ignite with someone in your circle after a few years of social/workplace contact, but rarely happens if you continue to conduct a romantic relationship with them while waiting to see if it happens.
    Originally posted by Alikay
    Yes that's my thinking too which maybe why is for the best to end things.
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 20th Mar 17, 1:02 PM
    • 4,586 Posts
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    Alikay
    Yes that's my thinking too which maybe why is for the best to end things.
    Originally posted by Outsider_83
    That's what I'd do too. Don't settle for someone who already knows that they're not feeling it for you unless you want a friend rather than a partner. Plenty more pebbles on the beach, fish in the sea ....
    • unholyangel
    • By unholyangel 20th Mar 17, 1:28 PM
    • 10,967 Posts
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    unholyangel
    Its possible she's afraid of getting hurt and is holding herself back, because if you're not emotionally involved, it hurts less...right?

    The reason I'm suggesting this is due to the other thing you said - that she obviously does think she can develop feelings for you but you won't stick around long enough for that to happen.

    It sounds very much as if she wants to, but has fears and is asking for reassurance that you do really like her and she isn't making herself emotionally vulnerable just for you to trample over her. And she's communicating with you so I'd say thats a good sign - if she didn't care she wouldn't be trying to explain.

    Fwiw, I don't think feelings work to a timetable. Its not like you decide one day to love someone - it just happens and at some point later, you realise it.
    Money doesn't solve poverty.....it creates it.
    • indiepanda
    • By indiepanda 20th Mar 17, 3:15 PM
    • 908 Posts
    • 6,139 Thanks
    indiepanda
    I think all you can know in the first few weeks is whether you fancy someone and want to get to know them better.

    I know some people believe in "love at first sight" but I think its utter rubbish - only happens in the movies. To me love is knowing someone well, including the bad stuff, and still feeling strongly about them. Deep knowledge of someone and deep feelings for them don't develop in 3 weeks. Love at first sight is just infatuation, not the same thing at all. Sure, the odd few people might be lucky to have those feelings for someone who it turns out to be the right long term partner too, but plenty of us have been instantly attracted to people only to find out as we get closer they are far from our ideal partner.

    Perhaps she is a bit immature if she expects to fall in love so quickly - especially given when she has before it's gone very badly.

    I've had guys declare their love after knowing me for a matter of days and it made me feel very awkward as I didn't know what my feelings were then. In both cases it set a pattern for the relationship (one which ran for 9 months the more recent for two and half). They weren't really in love with me, they were in love with an idea of me they'd created in their mind and expected me to live up to, and in both cases were far too demanding with me and in how much time they expected to spend with me. I felt quite suffocated and had to get out in both cases. Now if someone declared love very quickly I would run for the hills. Or come to that I would think it was odd if they were worried they weren't in love with me after 3 weeks - they shouldn't be.

    Dating should be fun, not all this intense stressing about what it means so quickly.
    • Outsider_83
    • By Outsider_83 20th Mar 17, 3:49 PM
    • 32 Posts
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    Outsider_83
    There maybe something in what you've said, I've noticed we've got closer since, lots more kissing etc, although this of course doesn't mean anything in itself.
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 20th Mar 17, 3:55 PM
    • 6,579 Posts
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    PeacefulWaters
    There maybe something in what you've said, I've noticed we've got closer since, lots more kissing etc, although this of course doesn't mean anything in itself.
    Originally posted by Outsider_83
    I quite like the etc.
    • Outsider_83
    • By Outsider_83 20th Mar 17, 4:19 PM
    • 32 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Outsider_83
    Family forum, I just wanted to include background for context.
    • Cloth of Gold
    • By Cloth of Gold 20th Mar 17, 4:20 PM
    • 158 Posts
    • 692 Thanks
    Cloth of Gold
    I think all you can know in the first few weeks is whether you fancy someone and want to get to know them better.

    I know some people believe in "love at first sight" but I think its utter rubbish - only happens in the movies. To me love is knowing someone well, including the bad stuff, and still feeling strongly about them. Deep knowledge of someone and deep feelings for them don't develop in 3 weeks. Love at first sight is just infatuation, not the same thing at all. Sure, the odd few people might be lucky to have those feelings for someone who it turns out to be the right long term partner too, but plenty of us have been instantly attracted to people only to find out as we get closer they are far from our ideal partner.

    Perhaps she is a bit immature if she expects to fall in love so quickly - especially given when she has before it's gone very badly.

    I've had guys declare their love after knowing me for a matter of days and it made me feel very awkward as I didn't know what my feelings were then. In both cases it set a pattern for the relationship (one which ran for 9 months the more recent for two and half). They weren't really in love with me, they were in love with an idea of me they'd created in their mind and expected me to live up to, and in both cases were far too demanding with me and in how much time they expected to spend with me. I felt quite suffocated and had to get out in both cases. Now if someone declared love very quickly I would run for the hills. Or come to that I would think it was odd if they were worried they weren't in love with me after 3 weeks - they shouldn't be.

    Dating should be fun, not all this intense stressing about what it means so quickly.
    Originally posted by indiepanda
    I think that this is very sensible advice. 3 weeks is nothing and whilst you might know that you don't like someone in that time (although you can stat not liking someone and change you view later) knowing that you love someone after such a short period is very unlikely.

    As indiepanda says, dating should be fun. Just go with the flow, try to do some fun things, be kind, reliable all those sorts of things that will show you are the type that will stick around and see how it goes. Hopefully you can then both relax a bit more about your relationship and you can see if stronger feelings develop over time.
    • Outsider_83
    • By Outsider_83 20th Mar 17, 6:28 PM
    • 32 Posts
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    Outsider_83
    Perhaps I'm being hasty, I took the conversation as a negative but she may have been looking reassurance.
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