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    • Sunny Saver
    • By Sunny Saver 19th Mar 17, 5:18 PM
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    Sunny Saver
    How to avoid meeting up
    • #1
    • 19th Mar 17, 5:18 PM
    How to avoid meeting up 19th Mar 17 at 5:18 PM
    A friend passed away several years ago. Prior to that time I had not seen her or her OH for a few years as they were always busy.

    I only found out about my friend's death a few months after it happened. The husband didn't want to see people after my friend's passing.

    Almost a year later, I bumped into him. He was looking really well. My husband and I invited him around for lunch - he stayed for about seven or eight hours ... far too long, especially when there is nothing to talk about and when you have work to get ready for the next day.

    Since then he's invited me out for lunch/coffee several times - me not my husband and I. I think this is because he doesn't want to pay for my OH, when he's only a 'one' and we're a 'two', if that makes sense. He's old enough to be my grandfather, so no there is no romantic ideas!

    TBH, I'm happy to say Hi and small talk if I bump into him in the street, but it's painful meeting up as he's obviously lonely and wants to talk forevvvvvvver.

    He often texts saying it's been so long since I saw you etc. There are only so many 'I'm not free this week', 'I'm busy' you can use.

    Without hurting this old man's feelings, any suggestions on how to get out of meeting up please?
    Last edited by Sunny Saver; 19-03-2017 at 5:29 PM.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
Page 3
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 20th Mar 17, 11:16 AM
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    itsanne
    Easier said than done though. You'd think he'd have taken the hint after being busy for so long though .

    My husband is pretty useless in this scenario. Like a chocolate teapot! He says 'just go' and that I was his wife's friend. He hates confrontation.
    Originally posted by Sunny Saver
    I don't think he's going to take any hints, no matter how obvious they are. You're probably going to have to decide between making excuses for ever and a day (and feeling stressed every time you see him), agreeing to meet up (and trying to keep the meeting short) or being clear that you aren't going to meet up and don't want him following you around.

    Think of it as a cost-benefit analysis: all the options have a cost (how you feel) and a benefit (the outcome - what happens). You need to decide what you're willing to pay for what you want to happen. None of the options are cost-free - you're going to be uncomfortable for at least some time whatever happens. If you accept that it may be easier to decide what to do.

    Perhaps your husband isn't aware of how uncomfortable you feel, that it's not just irritation after having been ignored for three years etc?
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • spirit
    • By spirit 20th Mar 17, 11:43 AM
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    spirit
    Easier said than done though. You'd think he'd have taken the hint after being busy for so long though .

    My husband is pretty useless in this scenario. Like a chocolate teapot! He says 'just go' and that I was his wife's friend. He hates confrontation.
    Originally posted by Sunny Saver


    This is the important bit for me. I had wondered if you and your husband had been friends as 2 couples. but since it appears not, I'd also withdraw too.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee.
    • Sunny Saver
    • By Sunny Saver 20th Mar 17, 12:04 PM
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    Sunny Saver
    I think they've met OH maybe six times in 10 years.

    ItsAnne: you are right. I was just thinking as I was walking to see my Mum that when I said I bump into him in the street it sounds like a quick matter. It's not, it's a 20 or 30 minute chat. Last time he said he was going to catch a bus and I was going to celebrate someone's birthday and going the other way. He said 'I'll walk with you' and crossed the road and came with me. came with as in walked with me until he bumped into some other lady he knows, not came with me to the party!

    He's very sociable. When I used to meet him and his wife at a local restaurant, I'd arrive, he'd say hello and would go off and chat to every waiter, the owner, or if anyone wasn't there ask about them. That place has closed now, but when I met him last year he was going to a new place and was looking for his fav waitress there, so he's not reclusive, he has family and can talk to random people. I'm honestly not leaving him in the lurge.
    Last edited by Sunny Saver; 20-03-2017 at 12:07 PM.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
    • markdebby
    • By markdebby 20th Mar 17, 2:18 PM
    • 133 Posts
    • 322 Thanks
    markdebby
    Sunny Saver, here are my thoughts.
    I have worked in training for Care Workers. My advice was always to be careful when working with Male clients. Even when they became chair bound they tried to "chat up" female staff. They don't see themselves as old.
    I would just say " I don't go out without my husband" if you say your busy he might continue to harass you. As he is doing now.
    • Sunny Saver
    • By Sunny Saver 20th Mar 17, 4:12 PM
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    Sunny Saver
    Thank you Mark. If he asks again I will say P and I are busy, we'll be in contact when we are free. If he says come on your own, I'll say no, P would like to meet up too.

    Also I'm going to see if there is anyway I can change swimming or buy a cheap membership so I can go anytime because I'm doing that for my own health reasons. My GP is going to think I'm a !!!! head if I say 'I've not been because this 80-year old man follows me about'.

    There, that sounds decisive, let's see if I can do it!

    Thank you!
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 20th Mar 17, 4:12 PM
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    Pollycat
    From your original post, I initially thought he must be lonely - you even said as much in your first post.

    But over the length of this thread, you've revealed more and you are clearly uncomfortable about contact with him - and I'd probably feel the same as you.

    Can you gradually but firmly decrease contact with this man?

    When you bump into him in the street, say you're in a hurry.
    If he invites you for coffee, tell him 'no'.
    If he turns up at the swimming pool, say 'hello' and leave.

    Stop replying to his texts.
    • Sunny Saver
    • By Sunny Saver 20th Mar 17, 4:24 PM
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    Sunny Saver
    From your original post, I initially thought he must be lonely - you even said as much in your first post.

    But over the length of this thread, you've revealed more and you are clearly uncomfortable about contact with him - and I'd probably feel the same as you.

    Can you gradually but firmly decrease contact with this man?

    When you bump into him in the street, say you're in a hurry.
    If he invites you for coffee, tell him 'no'.
    If he turns up at the swimming pool, say 'hello' and leave.

    Stop replying to his texts.
    Originally posted by Pollycat

    I assumed he was lonely, as who else stays for lunch for 7-8 hours and asks to meet the following week, then after again and changes his route go walk with you in the street?

    My problem is my mother always instilled in me that if people are good to you, you must be good back. His wife was very lovely to me, and he was very nice too because of that, so part of me feels obligated to respond to his texts and stop and speak to him.

    Writing on here helped as when you guys brought up questions, it made me think of answers.

    I know my first post wasn't as informative as it should have been - I never know who could be reading and how easily bored posters may get if it's too long.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
    • bspm
    • By bspm 20th Mar 17, 4:59 PM
    • 370 Posts
    • 527 Thanks
    bspm
    We are all different people with different personalities but...

    unless you tell him categorically that you do not want to meet up with him at all you will still find yourself in an uncomfortable position.

    Next time you bump in to him and he asks to meet, just say, sorry, no, not interested and walk away.

    He is 80, not sure how old you are but he can't run after you can he?

    It would be easy for me to do I know, I am/can be rude and abrupt when it suits and your situation sounds like it suits!
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 20th Mar 17, 5:55 PM
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    pollypenny
    Another agreeing with keep away. Make it very clear that you will not meet him or even have a coffee if you bump into him.

    He's clearly not lonely, but he is intrusive.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • mark5
    • By mark5 20th Mar 17, 6:19 PM
    • 1,110 Posts
    • 736 Thanks
    mark5
    If I were you I would slowly try to break off contact and when you do meet, take your partner along as well, my guess is doing this would reduce his wish to meet.

    Despite what some say on here, you have no obligation to meet with this man and nothing to feel guilty about. If you had spent a lot of time with this man in the past then my answer would be different but you didn't so you have no reason to give him your time now.
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 20th Mar 17, 6:23 PM
    • 4,139 Posts
    • 3,438 Thanks
    Sleazy
    ...
    It's all very well saying spend time with others, but if it distresses me, should i be doing so?
    Originally posted by sunny saver
    No .
    Signed Sleazy
    Otherwise known as the Lounge Lizard
    • Cloth of Gold
    • By Cloth of Gold 20th Mar 17, 6:35 PM
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    Cloth of Gold
    This is a very tricky situation as you clearly don't want to hurt his feelings. If you can live with seeing him very occasionally one solution might be that when he next suggests that you meet you agree to meet for coffee/lunch/tea but with your husband. You arrange to do something else afterwards to which he can't invite himself (so not the cinema). At the end of the meeting inevitably there will be the question of when you can meet next. You say that you are both really busy at the moment and that you don't have the time to meet regularly and that you feel sure he will understand this but you would both be happy to meet occasionally. This would be perfectly reasonable and if you are like most people is doubtless true. You and your husband make a date there and then for the next coffee/lunch/tea 3 or 4 months hence but out somewhere, not at your home.

    If he tries to meet before this you just reiterate that you are too busy and want to stick to the previously agreed meeting. If you bump into him in the street you will probably have to be firm and say you are sorry but you can't stay as you are in a rush. Hopefully this will make the situation manageable for you whilst still providing a bit of extra company for him.
    • Sunny Saver
    • By Sunny Saver 20th Mar 17, 7:00 PM
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    Sunny Saver
    Yes I can live with seeing him occasionally, every few months or so. When I first invited him around that's what I thought would happen - he could come for lunch a few times a year, but his 7-hour stay got shot of that idea. The funny thing was, he went to the loo a few times and we thought he'd go, but he sat back down.

    Some members of my family came to drop off items, on two separate occasions, as they thought he would gone by then, but he still stayed, they didn't. So it's NEVER going to be at our home again!

    A family member once commented now he knows you go swimming, he's going to go the same time and follow you around. I said, famous last words, 'nah, he wouldn't do that!'.

    I'd amend CoG's idea and leave out suggesting meeting again, that might be seen as a sign of encouragement.

    Thank you all.
    Last edited by Sunny Saver; 20-03-2017 at 7:02 PM.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 20th Mar 17, 8:47 PM
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    • 802 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    Don't try and get out of it. The poor man sounds lonely and like he really enjoys your company. Do your bit ( think of it as volunteering or how you would like one of your loved ones to have some company if they were alone). Its fine to explain you don't have much time and to not raise his expectations, but avoiding him when you know he is in need seems cruel.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 20th Mar 17, 8:54 PM
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    Judi
    Don't try and get out of it. The poor man sounds lonely and like he really enjoys your company. Do your bit ( think of it as volunteering or how you would like one of your loved ones to have some company if they were alone). Its fine to explain you don't have much time and to not raise his expectations, but avoiding him when you know he is in need seems cruel.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    but he's clearly not lonely....
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 20th Mar 17, 10:24 PM
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    Pollycat
    Don't try and get out of it. The poor man sounds lonely and like he really enjoys your company. Do your bit ( think of it as volunteering or how you would like one of your loved ones to have some company if they were alone). Its fine to explain you don't have much time and to not raise his expectations, but avoiding him when you know he is in need seems cruel.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    but he's clearly not lonely....
    Originally posted by Judi
    I initially thought he was lonely but from what the OP has said seems to indicate otherwise:
    This man has a family. He has children, grandchildren, so he is not alone alone. He sees some of them weekly and his daughter several times a week.

    He is in his 80s, has a large family, goes to the gym, has been on holiday on his own since his wife died, goes out with neighbours.
    Originally posted by Sunny Saver
    A niece is living with him as she's studying here.
    Originally posted by Sunny Saver
    I can't see much 'in need' there.

    Fireflyaway - I think you are guilt-tripping the OP wrongly.
    • poppystar
    • By poppystar 20th Mar 17, 10:41 PM
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    poppystar
    .

    He is 80, not sure how old you are but he can't run after you can he?
    Originally posted by bspm

    Possibly - he goes to the gym
    • Sunny Saver
    • By Sunny Saver 21st Mar 17, 12:01 AM
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    Sunny Saver
    I didn't want to say earlier, but he probably runs faster than me.

    He used to run marathons.
    Last edited by Sunny Saver; 21-03-2017 at 6:10 AM.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
    • *max*
    • By *max* 21st Mar 17, 12:52 AM
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    *max*
    Judi: all three. Just because he's retired and no longer busy, doesn't mean we are. Also when I was single if I went out with his wife, he always came, so why shouldn't my husband now.


    Even when his wife was alive, we didn't meet up all the time.

    I'm also annoyed because when he told me his wife had passed he said there were no flowers, but donations were made to a charity. OH and I donated £150 in her memory and wrote a condolence letter telling him this. The charity also wrote and told him this. In fact, I know they actually told him twice. His kids were looking after his correspondence for a bit, but no one acknowledged it. When his son spoke to me, several months later, I mentioned it and he said 'if you said you donated, you donated', which I found a bit rude. This may sound as if it's about money, but it's more about you just want to know they know you did something.
    Originally posted by Sunny Saver



    I picked up on this. It's a funeral, not a wedding, where you can expect a thank-you card. Clearly, you were expecting a thankyou from him for donating to a charity, which I think is completely inappropriate. The son was probably still grieving, even "months later" and your asking him if they knew you had donated must have seemed quite petty and materialistic to him. He may have been a little rude in his response, but you were much ruder for bringing it up in the first place. Just my twopence.
    • Sunny Saver
    • By Sunny Saver 21st Mar 17, 6:08 AM
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    Sunny Saver
    Max: in my culture, we give mourners a little 'gift'. I put 'gift' in inverted commas because I'm not sure what the term is in English or if, indeed, there is an equivalent in English. It's our duty as family members of the deceased to do this. Our thinking/philosophy/cultural belief behind this is if people have come to pay their respects, we respect them back.

    Update: I have expressed the above to OH. He thinks the guy is in his 80s so not going to be a stalker, I didn't tell him what markdabby said, maybe I should have just lonely.

    OH is going to come to lunch with me. If he mentions meeting up again, we're going to say we're really busy for next few months.

    Now it's a question of timing and when to meet up.
    Last edited by Sunny Saver; 21-03-2017 at 6:37 AM.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
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