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  • FIRST POST
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 13th Mar 17, 6:31 AM
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    seven-day-weekend
    I Stand Quietly....
    • #1
    • 13th Mar 17, 6:31 AM
    I Stand Quietly.... 13th Mar 17 at 6:31 AM
    https://istandquietly.wordpress.com/2015/03/03/i-stand-quietly-istandquietly/

    Written by the parent of an autistic child.

    My son, now in his thirties, was 'odd' as a child. It wasn't until he was grown up that we realised that he has Aspergers Syndrome (a mild type of autism that wasn't really known about in the 1980s).. He has learned coping strategies and on the whole manages well. But I do remember feeling a little bit like the mum in the poem when he was young, and although his 'quirks' were different to the girl in the poem, I often had to 'stand quietly'. I also had the same remarks about him being an only child, and 'advice' about my parenting from the school.

    Just hope it might help someone.

    Discussion welcomed.
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 13-03-2017 at 6:33 AM.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
Page 2
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 18th Mar 17, 2:07 PM
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    happyandcontented
    I would sooner wipe my bum on a Cactus than parent my child the same way my mother parented me, but there again if she had know about my ASD would she have parented me differently! Just a ponderance not a question.

    And no amount of *Chivvying* will get me the result you seem to think i can gain, and thats if i could actually Chivvy my close to 6ft, bigger than me, with very firm thoughts on his leisure time,16 year old Aspie.
    The door is always open for me to arrange something along those lines for him, and he knows this, and he very nearly went and got his own cactus at the suggestion!
    I dont hold him captive which seems to be the implication.
    It's a phrase well used, but alas i'm gonna say it.
    "If you have seen one person with ASD, then you have seen one person with ASD."
    And while some Aspies can be Chivvied, a great amount can not.

    Sorry for hijacking the thread 7DW, maybe its my ASD but i hate to be misunderstood.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    With the greatest of respect I have pobably been involved with more people on the ASD spectrum than most people and understand the range of issues that it brings.

    My point is that the encouragement ( not force or even chivvying if that offends!) has to start from early years, the patterns are strongly ingrained by early teens and of course at that point would prove much more difficult to address.They do still need to be addressed though.

    Save
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 18th Mar 17, 2:40 PM
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    seven-day-weekend
    I suppose it depends what form the "force" takes and what parameters are in place. None of us want to think of our children being isolated or alone in later life when we may not be around to support them. So, allowing or facilitating the social isolation of someone on the spectrum is not necssarily doing them any favours. You appear to have formed a relationship and produced a child so the force applied by your mother may have had a positive outcome even if at the time you found it difficult.

    Locally, we have a designated social centre for those with ASD run by those with ASD for others with ASD. It is often hard to get them there on the first few occasions but with parental chivvying it can be a great place to engage in social interaction with those who have the same traits. From there, it seems that all social interaction becomes slightly easier.

    Save
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    I never made my son interact if he didn't want to, although we did encourage him to join things like Cubs, and he loved Young Enterprise at sixth form. I too like my own space, so quite understood his need for solitude.

    Eventually as he got older, (late Secondary School age), he made friends, never hoardes of them, just a few, most of them through a Warhammer Club, and most of whom he is still in touch with twenty years later. He has a long-term partner, who he also met at Warhammer (one of the few females to like it), she is also on the spectrum.
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 18-03-2017 at 2:44 PM.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 18th Mar 17, 2:42 PM
    • 29,495 Posts
    • 55,149 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    I would sooner wipe my bum on a Cactus than parent my child the same way my mother parented me, but there again if she had know about my ASD would she have parented me differently! Just a ponderance not a question.

    And no amount of *Chivvying* will get me the result you seem to think i can gain, and thats if i could actually Chivvy my close to 6ft, bigger than me, with very firm thoughts on his leisure time,16 year old Aspie.
    The door is always open for me to arrange something along those lines for him, and he knows this, and he very nearly went and got his own cactus at the suggestion!
    I dont hold him captive which seems to be the implication.
    It's a phrase well used, but alas i'm gonna say it.
    "If you have seen one person with ASD, then you have seen one person with ASD."
    And while some Aspies can be Chivvied, a great amount can not.

    Sorry for hijacking the thread 7DW, maybe its my ASD but i hate to be misunderstood.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    Not a problem, I am the same
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 18th Mar 17, 2:48 PM
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    AylesburyDuck
    With the greatest of respect I have pobably been involved with more people on the ASD spectrum than most people and understand the range of issues that it brings.

    My point is that the encouragement ( not force or even chivvying if that offends!) has to start from early years, the patterns are strongly ingrained by early teens and of course at that point would prove much more difficult to address.They do still need to be addressed though.

    Save
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    Anything i type now is no longer constructive you've annoyed me so much with that sentance.
    I shall take my leave of this topic.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 18th Mar 17, 3:24 PM
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    happyandcontented
    I never made my son interact if he didn't want to, although we did encourage him to join things like Cubs, and he loved Young Enterprise at sixth form. I too like my own space, so quite understood his need for solitude.

    Eventually as he got older, (late Secondary School age), he made friends, never hoardes of them, just a few, most of them through a Warhammer Club, and most of whom he is still in touch with twenty years later. He has a long-term partner, who he also met at Warhammer (one of the few females to like it), she is also on the spectrum.
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    I wasn't advocating force at all, that would be extremely counter productive, I was advocating your method of encouragement and doing that from an early age. I think it is widely accepted that those on the spectrum do need alone time, and it seems that your son had the balance right.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 18th Mar 17, 3:26 PM
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    happyandcontented
    Anything i type now is no longer constructive you've annoyed me so much with that sentance.
    I shall take my leave of this topic.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    I am sorry I annoyed you, that wasn't in any way my intention. I was just wanting to convey that I did have experience of those on the spectrum and of outcomes for later life.

    Save
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 18th Mar 17, 3:35 PM
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    AylesburyDuck
    I am sorry I annoyed you, that wasn't in any way my intention. I was just wanting to convey that I did have experience of those on the spectrum and of outcomes for later life.

    Save
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    For the record can you state what experience that is?
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 18th Mar 17, 3:48 PM
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    happyandcontented
    For the record can you state what experience that is?
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    I have a related post grad qualification and worked in the field for a good number of years. I also have relevant family experience.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 18th Mar 17, 4:37 PM
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    Robisere
    On the contrary, Asperger's is defined as a significant difficulty with social interactions and communication along with repetitive behaviours and interests. Social skills are actually the whole point here. Sensory sensitivities come with.

    I enjoyed reading 'I stand quietly' very much. Parents of children on the spectrum have to cope with so much. Knowing that a child needs the benefits of being hugged and touched and played with, yet they are unable to cope with that contact, must be excruciating. And putting up with all the judgement on top. What a lovely piece of writing, thanks for that.

    Robisere, finding something you're good at is beneficial to us all and I'm glad your grandson has done that. You sound so proud of him. That's lovely. However, the idea that people with Asperger's are more likely to be more intelligent is a myth that really needs to be dispelled. Your grandson's interest in computers is partly the result of a kind of over- attention to minute detail that comes with this condition. It serves your grandson well while he's programming, but in a social situation with real live people leaves him vulnerable. There is some evidence that multi player computer games can help. They may be a way to help him interact with others without stressing him too much. Maybe worth looking into.
    Originally posted by ani*fan
    1 - In mine and my daughter's experience with consultants and many other Apergers sufferers, high intelligence is a common factor, along with an almost scary ability to follow through a task which absorbs them, to the end. 'Tunnel vision' is the weak, but closest analogy.
    2 - He is not just a programmer, he is an IT network and security engineer. He is just 23 years old and has been the right hand man to the boss of a very productive, very busy company for the last 4 years. The boss and owner states unequivocally, that he could not now run the company as successfully without him. He has created unique systems for operating resources remotely in client companies. This has won large, rewarding contracts.
    3 - He plays Multi-Player games with others and has done since he was 13. He wins a lot, but does not make winning the aim, he likes to teach other players how he won. He also has a few loyal friends, a loving younger sister and loving cousins, but finds socialising a torture with someone he has not met and got to know several times.
    4 - You are attempting to put him in a 'box' and label it. This is what many people try to do with people across the Autistic spectrum. It is unfair and innapropriate: each human being is an individual and that is true just as much, maybe more, across the Autistic spectrum as it is with anyone who is not affected by the condition.

    We have got tired of people doing that over the years. It does not work. I am proud of him, you say - you're damned right I'm proud of a lad that has fought his way from school tormenters who did not understand him, to a responsible job and a good life that he loves. That he prefers his own company at times, is fine. We understand that because we understand him and we love him.
    Last edited by Robisere; 18-03-2017 at 4:45 PM.
    There may be more than one way to skin a cat.
    But the result is always inedible.

    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 18th Mar 17, 4:40 PM
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    happyandcontented
    Thanks.
    It's, very very saddening/disappointing your so closed minded then.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    I don't believe that is a fair assessment based on my comments on here. I actually think I could turn that back on you......

    I am not sure how you feel I have demonstated that by simply stating that it is for the long term good that those on the spectrum are encouraged from an early age to socialise ( within defined paramenters) rather than just remain isolated. Note, again, I said "encouraged" not forced.

    There are, of course, many strategies, reading materials and even designated social behaviour ASD specialists around to help with the process as it is a well established concept.

    Apologies again, for whatever it was that offended you about my comments. I am genuinely in the dark as they are so mainstream in their content.

    Save
    Save
    Last edited by happyandcontented; 18-03-2017 at 4:49 PM. Reason: typo
    • kingfisherblue
    • By kingfisherblue 18th Mar 17, 4:42 PM
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    kingfisherblue
    My son is also very intelligent, with a 'tunnel vision' type of obsession - Land Rovers and motorcycles, especially engines, are his 'thing'.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 18th Mar 17, 4:48 PM
    • 675 Posts
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    AylesburyDuck
    ]I don't believe that is a fair assessment based on my comments on here. [/B]I actually think I could turn that back on you......

    I am not sure how you feel I have demonstated that by simply stating that it is for the long term good that those on the spectrum are encouraged from an early age to socialise ( within defined paramenters) rather than just remain isolated. Note, again, I said "encouraged" not forced.

    There are, of course, many strategies, reading materials and even designated social behaviour ASD specialists around to help with the process as it is an well established concept.

    Apologies again, for whatever it was that offended you about my comments. I am genuinely in the dark as they are so mainstream in their content.

    Save
    by happyandcontented;72271669[B
    Exactly how i feel about your comments.
    I think we should leave it be now, we both know how we feel about it, neither of us see eye to eye or agree with the other.
    I can live with that.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 18th Mar 17, 4:51 PM
    • 675 Posts
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    AylesburyDuck
    ]I don't believe that is a fair assessment based on my comments on here. [/B]I actually think I could turn that back on you......

    I am not sure how you feel I have demonstated that by simply stating that it is for the long term good that those on the spectrum are encouraged from an early age to socialise ( within defined paramenters) rather than just remain isolated. Note, again, I said "encouraged" not forced.

    There are, of course, many strategies, reading materials and even designated social behaviour ASD specialists around to help with the process as it is an well established concept.

    Apologies again, for whatever it was that offended you about my comments. I am genuinely in the dark as they are so mainstream in their content.

    Save
    by happyandcontented;72271669[B
    Exactly how i feel about your comments.
    I think we should leave it be now, we both know how we feel about it, neither of us see eye to eye or agree with the other.
    I can live with that.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 18th Mar 17, 4:53 PM
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    happyandcontented
    Exactly how i feel about your comments.
    I think we should leave it be now, we both know how we feel about it, neither of us see eye to eye or agree with the other.
    I can live with that.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    Fair enough, I imagine if other parents of ASD children/young people on here see my comments in the same light as you do they will comment. That would be useful so that I might gain an understanding of what it is you have objected to.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 18th Mar 17, 4:54 PM
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    Robisere
    My son is also very intelligent, with a 'tunnel vision' type of obsession - Land Rovers and motorcycles, especially engines, are his 'thing'.
    Originally posted by kingfisherblue
    Please tell me that you are encouraging this! How old is he? As a retired Motor Engineer and workshop foreman, I would have loved my gs to follow that path, although I would never have tried to force it, he went the way he needed to go. If your son is young, is he building kits of vehicles? Is there someone in the family with a similar interest?

    Look for Auto Jumbles and Classic car shows locally, take him along. See what takes his attention best. If you drive and take your car to a local garage, take him with you next time. I can tell you that every mechanic likes to see young boys interested in what they do. I used to spend time with local boys at our garage, showing them things. two of those boys wound up working there.
    There may be more than one way to skin a cat.
    But the result is always inedible.

    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 18th Mar 17, 4:59 PM
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    • 55,149 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    My son is also very intelligent, with a 'tunnel vision' type of obsession - Land Rovers and motorcycles, especially engines, are his 'thing'.
    Originally posted by kingfisherblue
    My son too is very intelligent, despite working on the chicken counter at Morrison's. He always said he wanted a job he could go home from and forget about, from when he was quite young.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 18th Mar 17, 5:00 PM
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    happyandcontented
    It is absolutely fantastic when they find their niche. I have seen interests ranging from computing, to cars, to map reading, and often detailed drawing, in those on the spectrum. The time and energy they invest makes them specialists in their chosen fields.

    I remember a fascinating conversation on the changes in boundaries in Europe from the 1500's onwards and why they happened. I was spellbound listening to the historical detail the young person had gleaned from his initial interest in map reading.
    • tensandunits
    • By tensandunits 18th Mar 17, 5:19 PM
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    tensandunits
    Thanks.
    It's, very very saddening/disappointing your so closed minded then.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    That may be the way you are construing things. Possibly your perception of others motives and opinions may not be correct.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 18th Mar 17, 5:29 PM
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    AylesburyDuck
    That may be the way you are construing things. Possibly your perception of others motives and opinions may not be correct.
    Originally posted by tensandunits
    Maybe so................................
    And maybe its bang on the money.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • kingfisherblue
    • By kingfisherblue 18th Mar 17, 8:54 PM
    • 7,273 Posts
    • 15,624 Thanks
    kingfisherblue
    Please tell me that you are encouraging this! How old is he? As a retired Motor Engineer and workshop foreman, I would have loved my gs to follow that path, although I would never have tried to force it, he went the way he needed to go. If your son is young, is he building kits of vehicles? Is there someone in the family with a similar interest?

    Look for Auto Jumbles and Classic car shows locally, take him along. See what takes his attention best. If you drive and take your car to a local garage, take him with you next time. I can tell you that every mechanic likes to see young boys interested in what they do. I used to spend time with local boys at our garage, showing them things. two of those boys wound up working there.
    Originally posted by Robisere
    My son is seventeen and yes, I encourage this - to be honest, it bores me silly at times, but it's important to him, so I listen and ask questions about engines, the history of Landrovers, etc. He built kits when he was younger, but not as often now.

    We do visit classic car shows, our local transport museum, and similar events. He spent over six months volunteering with a local mechanic every Saturday. He is currently studying engineering at a specialist college, and recently did a week work experience with a large firm, which he loved. It wasn't connected with vehicles, but was still in his area of interests as it was engineering.

    I haven't worked in paid employment since the boys were born, as my older son's needs were so significant (and later, my younger son's needs as well, but in a very different way). I do voluntary work that fits around my caring responsibilities. I used to worry that my children would grow up without a decent work ethic, but my daughter has worked since she was eighteen and recently applied for a higher level job, which she got. My older son is unlikely ever to work and attends a special school. My younger son is determined to get a good job in engineering, so hopefully he will achieve this. He knows his limitations, but does respond better to adults than his peers (although he has found a good group of friends at college, which I'm delighted about!).

    I always encourage my children to enjoy and achieve as far as they are able - they are the most important people in my life, and I want them to be happy. Landrovers and motorbikes might do nothing for me, but as they are so important to my son, I listen, chat, ask questions, and show an interest.
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