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  • FIRST POST
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 13th Mar 17, 6:31 AM
    • 29,366Posts
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    seven-day-weekend
    I Stand Quietly....
    • #1
    • 13th Mar 17, 6:31 AM
    I Stand Quietly.... 13th Mar 17 at 6:31 AM
    https://istandquietly.wordpress.com/2015/03/03/i-stand-quietly-istandquietly/

    Written by the parent of an autistic child.

    My son, now in his thirties, was 'odd' as a child. It wasn't until he was grown up that we realised that he has Aspergers Syndrome (a mild type of autism that wasn't really known about in the 1980s).. He has learned coping strategies and on the whole manages well. But I do remember feeling a little bit like the mum in the poem when he was young, and although his 'quirks' were different to the girl in the poem, I often had to 'stand quietly'. I also had the same remarks about him being an only child, and 'advice' about my parenting from the school.

    Just hope it might help someone.

    Discussion welcomed.
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 13-03-2017 at 6:33 AM.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
Page 1
    • kingfisherblue
    • By kingfisherblue 13th Mar 17, 7:41 AM
    • 7,240 Posts
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    kingfisherblue
    • #2
    • 13th Mar 17, 7:41 AM
    • #2
    • 13th Mar 17, 7:41 AM
    My 17 year old son has recently been diagnosed as either high functioning autism or Asperger's - I've always known that he was a little different, and had previously asked CAMHS if he had any form of autism due to his traits. They categorically denied that he had any difficulties apart from depression (diagnosed at the end of primary school). My other son has Down's Syndrome, and has a few traits of autism as well, but not enough to be diagnosed as autistic - the hand dryer is a major issue for him, whereas it doesn't bother my autistic son.

    Both have their own quirks, which can make life interesting at times. My autistic son is now finding his place a little more, in engineering, which is so much better for him than mainstream schooling. However, a special school would have been unsuitable in a more damaging way (local special schools are very heavily biased towards children with learning difficulties, and only offer foundation level GCSEs in English and Maths - nowhere near challenging enough for my younger son, and this is only one of the ways in which special school would be unsuitable).

    It can be difficult at times, supporting both boys with their very different needs. Life isn't always easy, but it's never boring!
    • tensandunits
    • By tensandunits 14th Mar 17, 12:10 PM
    • 814 Posts
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    tensandunits
    • #3
    • 14th Mar 17, 12:10 PM
    • #3
    • 14th Mar 17, 12:10 PM
    One can only hope that research into this condition will soon throw up a prevention or a cure. What misery for the carer and the child concerned.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 14th Mar 17, 1:05 PM
    • 669 Posts
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    AylesburyDuck
    • #4
    • 14th Mar 17, 1:05 PM
    • #4
    • 14th Mar 17, 1:05 PM
    My youngest son aged 16 got his diagnosis of Aspergers late last year, during his assessments it became apparent to me and the rest of my family that i have it too. As a girl born in the 1960's i totally flew under all radar, and coping and masking were all mastered by my mid teens, it's been nice to find out that i'm not a totally alien species as sometimes an Aspergers brain can think.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 14th Mar 17, 4:17 PM
    • 1,734 Posts
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    Robisere
    • #5
    • 14th Mar 17, 4:17 PM
    • #5
    • 14th Mar 17, 4:17 PM
    I have read and commented upon so many letters over the years that I have used this forum, so if you have seen it before, I apologise: but remember that this crops up again and again, because the Autism spectrum crops up again and again. Each experience is new to the parent and families of the sufferers.

    I am the grandfather of a male Aspergers child, now an adult in his early 20's. He has a severely dyslexic male cousin, his junior by 5 years. No one in our family had ever heard of Aspergers, but we learned about it over the life of my beloved, affectionate, strange genius grandson. The knowledge of his diagnosis caused his father to leave and live with his secretary when our gs was very young and our dd divorced him. He then married the secretary, who has also since divorced him. Gs has not seen dad since he was a toddler and I have been his male father figure, with help from his uncle. The whole family helped, but our dd worked hard to get her son into college and I finally found the "One Special Thing" that fired him up: I built him his first PC. The One Thing does not have to be a computer, it can be anything that fires their minds and opens up what is almost always a superb, but one-track, tunnel-vision, intelligence. That first PC took my gs on a journey through college which ended in his situation today - a very good IT job in a prestigious local company, and an executive apartment in a gated community.

    He still likes his own company and his computer systems more than people, but that is the way he is. He is a responsible, caring member of our family and his community, but it took hard work to get him there.
    There may be more than one way to skin a cat.
    But the result is always inedible.

    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 14th Mar 17, 5:05 PM
    • 29,366 Posts
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    seven-day-weekend
    • #6
    • 14th Mar 17, 5:05 PM
    • #6
    • 14th Mar 17, 5:05 PM
    I have read and commented upon so many letters over the years that I have used this forum, so if you have seen it before, I apologise: but remember that this crops up again and again, because the Autism spectrum crops up again and again. Each experience is new to the parent and families of the sufferers.

    I am the grandfather of a male Aspergers child, now an adult in his early 20's. He has a severely dyslexic male cousin, his junior by 5 years. No one in our family had ever heard of Aspergers, but we learned about it over the life of my beloved, affectionate, strange genius grandson. The knowledge of his diagnosis caused his father to leave and live with his secretary when our gs was very young and our dd divorced him. He then married the secretary, who has also since divorced him. Gs has not seen dad since he was a toddler and I have been his male father figure, with help from his uncle. The whole family helped, but our dd worked hard to get her son into college and I finally found the "One Special Thing" that fired him up: I built him his first PC. The One Thing does not have to be a computer, it can be anything that fires their minds and opens up what is almost always a superb, but one-track, tunnel-vision, intelligence. That first PC took my gs on a journey through college which ended in his situation today - a very good IT job in a prestigious local company, and an executive apartment in a gated community.

    He still likes his own company and his computer systems more than people, but that is the way he is. He is a responsible, caring member of our family and his community, but it took hard work to get him there.
    Originally posted by Robisere
    I understand exactly what you mean
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 14th Mar 17, 6:44 PM
    • 669 Posts
    • 1,522 Thanks
    AylesburyDuck
    • #7
    • 14th Mar 17, 6:44 PM
    • #7
    • 14th Mar 17, 6:44 PM
    I have read and commented upon so many letters over the years that I have used this forum, so if you have seen it before, I apologise: but remember that this crops up again and again, because the Autism spectrum crops up again and again. Each experience is new to the parent and families of the sufferers.

    I am the grandfather of a male Aspergers child, now an adult in his early 20's. He has a severely dyslexic male cousin, his junior by 5 years. No one in our family had ever heard of Aspergers, but we learned about it over the life of my beloved, affectionate, strange genius grandson. The knowledge of his diagnosis caused his father to leave and live with his secretary when our gs was very young and our dd divorced him. He then married the secretary, who has also since divorced him. Gs has not seen dad since he was a toddler and I have been his male father figure, with help from his uncle. The whole family helped, but our dd worked hard to get her son into college and I finally found the "One Special Thing" that fired him up: I built him his first PC. The One Thing does not have to be a computer, it can be anything that fires their minds and opens up what is almost always a superb, but one-track, tunnel-vision, intelligence. That first PC took my gs on a journey through college which ended in his situation today - a very good IT job in a prestigious local company, and an executive apartment in a gated community.

    He still likes his own company and his computer systems more than people, but that is the way he is. He is a responsible, caring member of our family and his community, but it took hard work to get him there.
    Originally posted by Robisere
    Totally understand you, my son's tunnel vision is with gaming, he wants to learn at college how to code with a view to going into game making.
    Far from seeing his hooked to the xbox as a negative i see it as a positive that fires his imagination, and encourages him in his goal.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • ognum
    • By ognum 14th Mar 17, 9:46 PM
    • 4,469 Posts
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    ognum
    • #8
    • 14th Mar 17, 9:46 PM
    • #8
    • 14th Mar 17, 9:46 PM
    Many, many employees in the high tech sector are on the spectrum, many are genius level in invention and tech problem solving.

    We are not all the same and that is good.
    • shiny76
    • By shiny76 15th Mar 17, 2:45 PM
    • 407 Posts
    • 431 Thanks
    shiny76
    • #9
    • 15th Mar 17, 2:45 PM
    • #9
    • 15th Mar 17, 2:45 PM
    Totally understand you, my son's tunnel vision is with gaming, he wants to learn at college how to code with a view to going into game making.
    Far from seeing his hooked to the xbox as a negative i see it as a positive that fires his imagination, and encourages him in his goal.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    It'd be worth looking into the working conditions in the games industry. Many of my colleagues used to work in that field and say that the demands put on them were excessive - they moved to other roles to avoid burn-out
    • tensandunits
    • By tensandunits 15th Mar 17, 3:55 PM
    • 814 Posts
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    tensandunits
    You can't just walk into a job in the computer games industry, it is very competitive, as you can probably imagine. It doesn't do their social skills much good, either, spending so long in front of screens.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 15th Mar 17, 5:41 PM
    • 669 Posts
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    AylesburyDuck
    You can't just walk into a job in the computer games industry, it is very competitive, as you can probably imagine. It doesn't do their social skills much good, either, spending so long in front of screens.
    Originally posted by tensandunits
    This is a thread with regard to people with Aspergers, social skills are not high on the agenda so that point is moot.
    I dont see anybody implying that its an easy job to walk into either.
    I think your opinion while probably valid in the NT world, has no real substance in a thread about Aspergers/ASD/HFA.
    Just my opinion.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 15th Mar 17, 5:42 PM
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    AylesburyDuck
    It'd be worth looking into the working conditions in the games industry. Many of my colleagues used to work in that field and say that the demands put on them were excessive - they moved to other roles to avoid burn-out
    Originally posted by shiny76
    Thanks, and duely noted.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 15th Mar 17, 7:46 PM
    • 712 Posts
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    happyandcontented
    Totally understand you, my son's tunnel vision is with gaming, he wants to learn at college how to code with a view to going into game making.
    Far from seeing his hooked to the xbox as a negative i see it as a positive that fires his imagination, and encourages him in his goal.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    Most colleges provide support to students with ASD on such courses. An EHCP would guaantee it, but it is a hard thing to get later on in school life.

    It is a good idea to explain that coding is usually only done on level 3 IT courses so achievement at GCSE of grades C ( in English/maths particularly) and above is important if he wants to start it straight away rather than starting at level 1or on which little or no coding is normally done.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 15th Mar 17, 10:51 PM
    • 37,661 Posts
    • 33,973 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    You can't just walk into a job in the computer games industry, it is very competitive, as you can probably imagine. It doesn't do their social skills much good, either, spending so long in front of screens.
    Originally posted by tensandunits
    Although, DS1 is an indie game designer, and his social skills have been forced to improve since he depends on sofa surfing a lot of the time!
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 1 shawl, 2 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure, 1 sock ...
    Current projects: 1 shawl, t'other sock (just about to turn the heel!)
    • VJsmum
    • By VJsmum 16th Mar 17, 8:36 AM
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    VJsmum
    My daughter was nearly 18 when, in a "blinding flash" moment when I was wondering why "she always acts Like This", I suddenly thought "that's what autistic people do".

    After googling and other research, I realised she had Asperger syndrome.

    We had decided to wait until after she'd taken her a levels before telling her but just before them She and I went, at her behest, to see "the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime" after which she said " well that was a bit close to home". So I told her (in the middle of the cinema, not quite what I had planned...).

    She copes much better now she understands why she has the anxiety and meltdowns. She is now coming to the end of her degree in Performance

    Her "thing" has been role play, comicon, that sort of thing.

    We are not sure what the future holds, if the performing doesn't work out, but for now are going with it.

    We always knew she was different, and now we know why we wonder how we didn't realise sooner

    She is beautiful and quirky and a little bit strange (and sometimes quite frustrating ) - and all the better for it. Thank you for the thread.
    Last edited by VJsmum; 16-03-2017 at 10:27 AM.
    You're out with a friend in the capital, I'm a thousand leagues under the sea
    You're hovering worriedly over your eggs, And I'm pondering trees
    I'm wandering long, And I'm pondering trees
    For you and me
    Guy Garvey
    • ani*fan
    • By ani*fan 18th Mar 17, 4:06 AM
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    ani*fan
    This is a thread with regard to people with Aspergers, social skills are not high on the agenda so that point is moot.
    I dont see anybody implying that its an easy job to walk into either.
    I think your opinion while probably valid in the NT world, has no real substance in a thread about Aspergers/ASD/HFA.
    Just my opinion.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    On the contrary, Asperger's is defined as a significant difficulty with social interactions and communication along with repetitive behaviours and interests. Social skills are actually the whole point here. Sensory sensitivities come with.

    I enjoyed reading 'I stand quietly' very much. Parents of children on the spectrum have to cope with so much. Knowing that a child needs the benefits of being hugged and touched and played with, yet they are unable to cope with that contact, must be excruciating. And putting up with all the judgement on top. What a lovely piece of writing, thanks for that.

    Robisere, finding something you're good at is beneficial to us all and I'm glad your grandson has done that. You sound so proud of him. That's lovely. However, the idea that people with Asperger's are more likely to be more intelligent is a myth that really needs to be dispelled. Your grandson's interest in computers is partly the result of a kind of over- attention to minute detail that comes with this condition. It serves your grandson well while he's programming, but in a social situation with real live people leaves him vulnerable. There is some evidence that multi player computer games can help. They may be a way to help him interact with others without stressing him too much. Maybe worth looking into.
    If you know you have enough, you're rich.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 18th Mar 17, 10:54 AM
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    AylesburyDuck
    On the contrary, Asperger's is defined as a significant difficulty with social interactions and communication along with repetitive behaviours and interests. Social skills are actually the whole point here. Sensory sensitivities come with.

    I enjoyed reading 'I stand quietly' very much. Parents of children on the spectrum have to cope with so much. Knowing that a child needs the benefits of being hugged and touched and played with, yet they are unable to cope with that contact, must be excruciating. And putting up with all the judgement on top. What a lovely piece of writing, thanks for that.

    Robisere, finding something you're good at is beneficial to us all and I'm glad your grandson has done that. You sound so proud of him. That's lovely. However, the idea that people with Asperger's are more likely to be more intelligent is a myth that really needs to be dispelled. Your grandson's interest in computers is partly the result of a kind of over- attention to minute detail that comes with this condition. It serves your grandson well while he's programming, but in a social situation with real live people leaves him vulnerable. There is some evidence that multi player computer games can help. They may be a way to help him interact with others without stressing him too much. Maybe worth looking into.
    Originally posted by ani*fan
    I think maybe you've misunderstood my post, of course social activity's are difficult, thats why i said i thought their post was moot, its not something that should be forced on an Aspie (which their post implyed), or is their another point you're making that i've genuinely missed, i do tend to read things very litterally and my replys tend to be short and to the point, maybe that was the problem


    My son chooses not to be social, a lot of Aspies do, he on average interacts "socially" with others (his peers) maybe one a month if were lucky, but its not something we care to force upon him, because as you'll know (i'm assuming you have direct knowledge of Aspergers), with a lack of enjoyment of social situations comes a fair whack of anxiety about it to boot.
    He does however *game online* with his peers daily.
    My mother used to force me into social situations, and it's something i've refused to do with my son unless 100% needed. Forcing a situation means the stress comes out in other ways, meltdowns, and genuine ill health.
    Last edited by AylesburyDuck; 18-03-2017 at 11:04 AM.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • ecgirl07
    • By ecgirl07 18th Mar 17, 12:24 PM
    • 613 Posts
    • 1,928 Thanks
    ecgirl07
    My youngest son aged 16 got his diagnosis of Aspergers late last year, during his assessments it became apparent to me and the rest of my family that i have it too. As a girl born in the 1960's i totally flew under all radar, and coping and masking were all mastered by my mid teens, it's been nice to find out that i'm not a totally alien species as sometimes an Aspergers brain can think.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    There has been a lot of publicity in the last year or so about girls and autism and how autistic girls present differently from autistic boys. Autistic girls blend in more with peers, for example having detailed knowledge of one direction makes you cool, whereas boys having detailed knowledge of trains or buses makes them stand out. As a teacher it makes interesting reading

    Channel 4 did a feature https://www.channel4.com/news/girls-affected-by-autism

    An interesting article on standard issue magazine http://standardissuemagazine.com/voices/see-not-get-life-female-autistic/
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 18th Mar 17, 12:35 PM
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    happyandcontented
    I think maybe you've misunderstood my post, of course social activity's are difficult, thats why i said i thought their post was moot, its not something that should be forced on an Aspie (which their post implyed), or is their another point you're making that i've genuinely missed, i do tend to read things very litterally and my replys tend to be short and to the point, maybe that was the problem


    My son chooses not to be social, a lot of Aspies do, he on average interacts "socially" with others (his peers) maybe one a month if were lucky, but its not something we care to force upon him, because as you'll know (i'm assuming you have direct knowledge of Aspergers), with a lack of enjoyment of social situations comes a fair whack of anxiety about it to boot.
    He does however *game online* with his peers daily.
    My mother used to force me into social situations, and it's something i've refused to do with my son unless 100% needed. Forcing a situation means the stress comes out in other ways, meltdowns, and genuine ill health.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    I suppose it depends what form the "force" takes and what parameters are in place. None of us want to think of our children being isolated or alone in later life when we may not be around to support them. So, allowing or facilitating the social isolation of someone on the spectrum is not necssarily doing them any favours. You appear to have formed a relationship and produced a child so the force applied by your mother may have had a positive outcome even if at the time you found it difficult.

    Locally, we have a designated social centre for those with ASD run by those with ASD for others with ASD. It is often hard to get them there on the first few occasions but with parental chivvying it can be a great place to engage in social interaction with those who have the same traits. From there, it seems that all social interaction becomes slightly easier.

    Save
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 18th Mar 17, 1:28 PM
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    AylesburyDuck
    I would sooner wipe my bum on a Cactus than parent my child the same way my mother parented me, but there again if she had know about my ASD would she have parented me differently! Just a ponderance not a question.

    And no amount of *Chivvying* will get me the result you seem to think i can gain, and thats if i could actually Chivvy my close to 6ft, bigger than me, with very firm thoughts on his leisure time,16 year old Aspie.
    The door is always open for me to arrange something along those lines for him, and he knows this, and he very nearly went and got his own cactus at the suggestion!
    I dont hold him captive which seems to be the implication.
    It's a phrase well used, but alas i'm gonna say it.
    "If you have seen one person with ASD, then you have seen one person with ASD."
    And while some Aspies can be Chivvied, a great amount can not.

    Sorry for hijacking the thread 7DW, maybe its my ASD but i hate to be misunderstood.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
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