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    • Vault101
    • By Vault101 2nd Mar 17, 11:39 AM
    • 1Posts
    • 0Thanks
    Vault101
    Advice needed - House or Wedding?
    • #1
    • 2nd Mar 17, 11:39 AM
    Advice needed - House or Wedding? 2nd Mar 17 at 11:39 AM
    Hi - first post - sorry if this is in the wrong place.

    My GF and I are locked in a bit of a dispute at the moment. She wants to get married, and knows exactly what she wants in a wedding (and wants a big-ish wedding and there's little room for negotiation)

    I also want to get married, and make her happy and give her what she wants, but I want us to save for and buy a house first. I think it's sensible to get a permanent roof over our heads and to not be paying rent for longer than we need before spending thousands on a wedding.

    I was just curious as to people's opinions on this? I appreciate that there's no right answer - but I'm always made to feel like I'm in the wrong about it, which has left me wondering perhaps I am.

    Thanks!
Page 3
    • mai_taylor
    • By mai_taylor 2nd Mar 17, 4:44 PM
    • 175 Posts
    • 349 Thanks
    mai_taylor
    Definitely a house. A house is for life - a wedding's just an expensive day that's pretty meaningless to everybody except the bride in all honesty.
    Originally posted by PasturesNew
    Well that's not true at all. I loved my wedding, so did my husband and all our friends and family. I can always get more money to buy a house I can't always make more special memories.
    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 2nd Mar 17, 5:01 PM
    • 16,604 Posts
    • 26,819 Thanks
    ringo_24601
    Well that's not true at all. I loved my wedding, so did my husband and all our friends and family. I can always get more money to buy a house I can't always make more special memories.
    Originally posted by mai_taylor
    At my wedding, we were fortunate to have 2 sets of our grandparents present. A few years later, two have passed on - So there ARE consequences for delaying weddings if you want to see your elderly relatives there.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 2nd Mar 17, 5:02 PM
    • 7,372 Posts
    • 24,980 Thanks
    Primrose
    House first for me without a doubt. I,m shocked today when a I see the huge amounts people spend on weddings, going into debt, and then the couple moves into a rented property and spent a couple of years paying off wedding debts before they can even start saving for a house.
    Is your fianc!e just mesmerised with the glamour of the wedding and keeping up with her friends? You sound as if you!ve got your head screwed on properly. You need to try and find a reasonable compromise but if you can,t son,t be pressured into going into debt for a few hours of glamour just to impress friends and family. Also be sure that that on other financial issues your ideas are in synch about saving and the use of credit or your marriage will be full of disruptive arguments.
    • lobbyludd
    • By lobbyludd 2nd Mar 17, 5:15 PM
    • 1,235 Posts
    • 10,614 Thanks
    lobbyludd
    Do the pair of you agree about the type of house, area, cost, number of bedrooms, etc, etc?

    It's not just a wedding that has options.

    what are your wishes about life/children/plans for careers/working.

    I don't think either of you have explored your own and each other's expectations properly.

    I'd suggest that as a compromise you save for both equally so you can do the two together (or within a reasonable time frame of say 6 months).

    but this requires that you sit down, discuss and agree on what you want for everything and set a budget for each.

    it's not wrong to want to get married before committing to a 25 year mortgage with someone, and it's not wrong to want to buy a house before buying a wedding event. they are both valid pov.

    But if the pair of you want to go forward together you both have to compromise and right now I don't see that EITHER of you are.
    A/give up smoking (done)
    • selement
    • By selement 2nd Mar 17, 6:39 PM
    • 313 Posts
    • 1,715 Thanks
    selement
    We did wedding first and so having got married last year are now working on saving for a house! Most people I know seem to be favouring the opposite way. Both weddings and houses seem to increase in cost year by year much more than anything else.

    Because we would buy a bigger house than we rent I suspected our monthly payments on a mortgage would be more than current rent, so I thought we'd save for both quickest in this order (luckily landlord has kept rent the same). If you think mortgage repayments would be less that might be the way to go?

    Also worth considering people often gift money at weddings which might give you a headstart on the house deposit at least if you did get married first although obviously you can't depend too much on that!
    Trying to lose weight (13.5lb to go)
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 2nd Mar 17, 7:21 PM
    • 16,725 Posts
    • 40,326 Thanks
    Pollycat
    There's too much pressure on people these days to have a huge wedding they can barely afford, and ridiculous stag and hen 'weekends'!
    Originally posted by tensandunits
    I think people put too much pressure on themselves to have a huge wedding.
    I recall a thread where the groom-to-be was bemoaning that he couldn't afford a photo booth, a popcorn station and some other bizarre and unnecessary gimmick.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 2nd Mar 17, 7:32 PM
    • 21,860 Posts
    • 83,855 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Personally, I'd rather get married and stay in rented accommodation, because what's more important to me is being married to him, not immediately owning something we could buy later. But that's probably because there's no way we could afford an 'average' wedding, never mind a deposit on a house.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 2nd Mar 17, 9:40 PM
    • 1,072 Posts
    • 1,628 Thanks
    pearl123
    A house. It's your future.
    • blues
    • By blues 2nd Mar 17, 10:18 PM
    • 154 Posts
    • 495 Thanks
    blues
    House every time. Weddings are embarrassingly indulgent these days and it's even worse when the couple haven't bought a house yet, but are still spending excessive amounts on a wedding.
    • xXMessedUpXx
    • By xXMessedUpXx 2nd Mar 17, 11:05 PM
    • 16,878 Posts
    • 44,310 Thanks
    xXMessedUpXx
    I know strictly speaking if we're being traditional you're supposed to get married first, but a house is a bigger priority to me. I want us to be able to live together and have somehwere to call home.Once we've got that we can get married after (if we get married, neither of us is that fussed on the marriage and kids part). I wouldn't want to rent for another 5 years or something just to have a fancy wedding.
    "Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up"
    To see the rainbow you need both the sun and the rain to make its colours appear
    weight lost: 0lbs
    • Katgrit
    • By Katgrit 2nd Mar 17, 11:26 PM
    • 448 Posts
    • 1,230 Thanks
    Katgrit
    Sounds like you want a marriage and she wants a Wedding. Two very different things.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 2nd Mar 17, 11:32 PM
    • 8,826 Posts
    • 10,960 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Perhaps get her to pay for things cash. Once she starts, she'll hopefully realise the actual value of money. It's very easy to hand over plastic and have a vague five figures in mind for the wedding and to shove that to the back of you mind.

    Once you start handing over hundreds in notes, let alone thousands (if they'll take cash!), it does make it feel real and puts it in perspective.

    Jx
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; cinema tickets; lipstick; tickets, afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne at Ideal Home Show; 2 cases of NKD)
    • Kynthia
    • By Kynthia 3rd Mar 17, 12:56 AM
    • 4,841 Posts
    • 6,821 Thanks
    Kynthia
    Lots of bashing of the OP's girlfeiend here; saying she's indulgent, doesn't know the value of money or even that she wants a wedding and not a marriage! All very excessive and judgemental based on very little info. We don't actually know what budget she has in mind, other than its more than the OP wants to spend right now. It might be a very reasonable amount or a budget tgat he'd be happy with after owning their home.

    OP I think the answer might depend on how long saving for each will take. I'd want to marry first. However if each will take many years of saving then with house prices rising greater than earnings each year, and with wanting a stable roof over my head and to start building equity tgen I might change that order to a house first.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 3rd Mar 17, 7:59 AM
    • 16,725 Posts
    • 40,326 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Lots of bashing of the OP's girlfeiend here; saying she's indulgent, doesn't know the value of money or even that she wants a wedding and not a marriage! All very excessive and judgemental based on very little info. We don't actually know what budget she has in mind, other than its more than the OP wants to spend right now. It might be a very reasonable amount or a budget tgat he'd be happy with after owning their home.
    Originally posted by Kynthia
    But the OP does say:

    My GF and I are locked in a bit of a dispute at the moment. She wants to get married, and knows exactly what she wants in a wedding (and wants a big-ish wedding and there's little room for negotiation)
    Originally posted by Vault101
    so probably more likely than not to be on the expensive side.
    • selement
    • By selement 3rd Mar 17, 8:32 AM
    • 313 Posts
    • 1,715 Thanks
    selement
    OPs girlfriend is probably thinking she'll only get married once (I know this doesn't necessarily pan out but it's what most people believe) and wants it to feel like a genuinely special day with all the important friends and family there. I don't think wanting this is a bad thing and is less important than wanting a house. Although weddings can be done 'on the cheap' it is genuinely difficult to hire a venue and feed a large group of people for a small amount of money.
    Trying to lose weight (13.5lb to go)
    • Pop Up Pirate
    • By Pop Up Pirate 3rd Mar 17, 9:03 AM
    • 693 Posts
    • 1,596 Thanks
    Pop Up Pirate
    Well that's not true at all. I loved my wedding, so did my husband and all our friends and family. I can always get more money to buy a house I can't always make more special memories.
    Originally posted by mai_taylor
    Nobody is ever going to tell the bride what they really thought of the wedding. Everyone you ask will tell you what a lovely day it was, and it was all worth the time, money and effort blah blah.
    • Bean83
    • By Bean83 3rd Mar 17, 9:48 AM
    • 219 Posts
    • 394 Thanks
    Bean83
    I will never understand why people on this forum are so judgemental about other people's weddings! What does it matter if a bride wants to spend hundreds of pounds on chair covers?! Just because YOU think it's a waste of money doesn't mean everyone else feels the same. Yes, a wedding can be done for a few hundred pounds, but it doesn't have to be. By that logic, nobody would ever buy anything expensive when the cheap version would do the same job - everyone would be driving old bangers, holidaying in Skegness and wearing clothes from Primark.

    We spent £15000 on our wedding, and I don't regret a single penny. We had an amazing day and I'm pretty sure our friends and family enjoyed themselves too (and no, they're not just being polite!!!). This ridiculous reverse snobbery really gets on my nerves, implying that if you want a big wedding you're a bridezilla, or you 'only want a wedding and not a marriage'!

    As for the OP, ignore all the judgemental rubbish about your poor girlfriend. peesumably she only wants to get married once (!), and wants to spend some money on it, what the heck is wrong with that?!

    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 3rd Mar 17, 10:03 AM
    • 12,830 Posts
    • 24,211 Thanks
    onlyroz
    Seat covers go on the back of chairs to make them look nicer

    It's a common 'upsell' for a wedding venue
    Originally posted by ringo_24601
    Can't say I've ever noticed anything particularly memorable about the seats, or the tables, about any wedding I've been to. Seems like a total waste of money to fork out for seat covers or fancy table arrangements. People want somewhere to sit, and a nice meal that they don't have to wait ages to get (and my biggest gripe about weddings is the time you spend standing around, starving hungry, often in the cold, while apparently nothing happens).
    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 3rd Mar 17, 10:09 AM
    • 12,830 Posts
    • 24,211 Thanks
    onlyroz
    We spent £15000 on our wedding, and I don't regret a single penny. We had an amazing day and I'm pretty sure our friends and family enjoyed themselves too (and no, they're not just being polite!!!). This ridiculous reverse snobbery really gets on my nerves, implying that if you want a big wedding you're a bridezilla, or you 'only want a wedding and not a marriage'
    Originally posted by Bean83
    If you can spend £15k without getting into huge debt then I don't see a problem. However, £15k would go a long way towards a house deposit and so if it comes to a choice over which one the money should be spent on then the answer seems obvious to me.


    Being a traditionalist I do think that the wedding should come first, but I also don't see the need to spend many many thousands when money is tight.
    • Bean83
    • By Bean83 3rd Mar 17, 10:14 AM
    • 219 Posts
    • 394 Thanks
    Bean83
    On my phone so can't quote, but totally agree with onlyroz's point - I didn't actually answer the OP's original question in my previous post, but yes I would go for the house first and then wedding if it was an either/or question! If you can't afford both, personally I would rather get the house sorted then save again for the wedding. I'd hate to have a lovely wedding then find that circumstances have changed and I could no longer afford to save for a house. In the opposite scenario, once you have a house, wedding plans can be scaled to fit your budget more easily!

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