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    • Vault101
    • By Vault101 2nd Mar 17, 11:39 AM
    • 1Posts
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    Vault101
    Advice needed - House or Wedding?
    • #1
    • 2nd Mar 17, 11:39 AM
    Advice needed - House or Wedding? 2nd Mar 17 at 11:39 AM
    Hi - first post - sorry if this is in the wrong place.

    My GF and I are locked in a bit of a dispute at the moment. She wants to get married, and knows exactly what she wants in a wedding (and wants a big-ish wedding and there's little room for negotiation)

    I also want to get married, and make her happy and give her what she wants, but I want us to save for and buy a house first. I think it's sensible to get a permanent roof over our heads and to not be paying rent for longer than we need before spending thousands on a wedding.

    I was just curious as to people's opinions on this? I appreciate that there's no right answer - but I'm always made to feel like I'm in the wrong about it, which has left me wondering perhaps I am.

    Thanks!
Page 2
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 2nd Mar 17, 1:21 PM
    • 9,839 Posts
    • 12,483 Thanks
    hazyjo
    You're asking on a money saving site - it's likely people will agree with you. Ask on a wedding site and people are more likely to see it from your OH's POV.


    Instead of a BIG wedding, or even giving a budget, why not just say 'both' but make it a mission from now onwards to get absolutely everything at a bargain price. If it means making your invitations or table decs (like I did), then great. I bought mosaic-mirrored silver vases and had two Gerberas for each vase. Was sparkly and gorgeous - and people could take them home at the end of the night if they wished. You don't need to spend a fortune on things. £2-3k for a wedding at the most isn't going put you in debt for years or stop you buying a house for too long - even if it puts you back a year. But having a wedding that costs £15k or so is just pointless IMO.


    Go for something classy, not some massive venue that have 3 or 4 weddings on every weekend. It's just so formulaic. Sod all the magicians and photo booth malarkey. The best weddings I've been to (by a million miles) were in halls with live bands. Is there a nearby local boutique-style hotel that's licensed? Or do a barn dance in a hall for something fun and different.


    I've been married (and divorced!) twice and didn't spend a fortune on either - but they still appeared classy and people had a good time.


    Get married late and just do one meal in the evening for everyone. Even do bacon or veggie sausage hotdogs at 9-10pm if there's a bit of a gap.


    I get that some girls look forward to it and plan and imagine it for years - and they don't want to let go of that dream. But it does not have to cost the earth.


    Jx
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation; Flybe flight
    • pollyanna24
    • By pollyanna24 2nd Mar 17, 1:26 PM
    • 3,686 Posts
    • 4,384 Thanks
    pollyanna24
    I'd prefer to be married before buying a house. It just feels more secure legally if a break up happens.

    Is your GF happy to keep renting instead? Lots of girls dream of a big wedding, but does she accept that she can't have both the fancy wedding and a house that you both own as well? It's a bit worrying that she won't compromise at all. Sounds like her priorities are very different to yours.
    Originally posted by ripplyuk
    If you are not married, but own a house 50:50, not quite sure what you mean by more secure legally.
    Pink Sproglettes born 2008 and 2010
    House Worth (approx) - £400,000
    Mortgages (3rd Nov 2017) - £180,813.85
    Equity - £219,186.15
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 2nd Mar 17, 1:31 PM
    • 15,386 Posts
    • 21,006 Thanks
    pinkshoes
    I would buy a house and find yourself a lower maintenance girlfriend!
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 2nd Mar 17, 1:32 PM
    • 17,095 Posts
    • 27,790 Thanks
    ringo_24601
    Maybe you should let your GF start planning out the cost of a wedding. She probably hasn't got the faintest idea of how much they really cost.

    Invites/Save the dates
    Venue
    Decorating venue (e.g. seat covers, vases, lighting)
    Catering
    Drinks
    Entertainment (Band/DJ)
    Wedding dress
    Transport
    Hen do
    Stag do
    Bridesmaids dresses
    Groomsman outfit hire
    Grooms outfit hire
    Flowers
    Photography
    Videography
    Honeymoon
    Toastmaster (might have gone TOO traditional but they're nice to have)
    Vicar ect. cost
    Wedding rings
    Gifts for parents/bridesmaids/groomsmen/grandparents

    AND

    If she wants to get married, you'll need to propose:
    Engagement Ring

    Get some numbers down on paper, and plan the next few years out. She needs to put a bit of realism into her dreams
    • tea lover
    • By tea lover 2nd Mar 17, 1:41 PM
    • 7,999 Posts
    • 35,736 Thanks
    tea lover
    I wouldn't class dreams that involve seat covers and save the date cards as realistic.
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 2nd Mar 17, 1:58 PM
    • 120 Posts
    • 200 Thanks
    andydownes123
    Compromise:

    Add up the cost of a house deposit and wedding and then say we can't do either until the money has been saved up for both. That way you are both having to delay your plans. Remember, her desire to get married is just as legitimate as yours to buy a house. If she gets her way by getting married, it's the same as you getting your way on the house. By saving up for both, you are both inconvenienced equally...there should be no real reason for her not to agree, unless of course she's bullying to get you to agree to her demands first, then I would suggest you perhaps should look at your relationship and whether or not you really want to be with her.
    • rach_k
    • By rach_k 2nd Mar 17, 2:19 PM
    • 1,057 Posts
    • 1,825 Thanks
    rach_k
    If you already live together, I'd buy a house first. However, if you don't live together currently that makes it a bit different as some people don't want to co-habit until they're married. In that case, if you want to live together you'd 'have' to get married first.

    If you're renting now, what are the chances of you saving money by owning? I know some people pay more in rent than they would a mortgage plus other house ownership costs. If that might be the case, you could try the financial argument i.e. buy first and it will actually save you money (and that can be put towards the wedding of your (her?) dreams), whereas if you marry first it will only cost you money and will keep 'costing' you money every month as you'll be renting.
    • Pop Up Pirate
    • By Pop Up Pirate 2nd Mar 17, 2:53 PM
    • 683 Posts
    • 1,836 Thanks
    Pop Up Pirate
    House, HOUSE, HOUSE!

    A wedding can be done for peanuts. A house cannot.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 2nd Mar 17, 2:59 PM
    • 18,563 Posts
    • 47,781 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I grew up in the days when you saved in a building society and hoped they'd give you a mortgage when you'd saved your 10% deposit and found a house you liked.
    Weddings tended to be funded by the bride's parents. But in 'those days' it was married in the local church and a reception in the big room upstairs in the local pub. And a week long honeymoon at the coast (if you were lucky).

    Mine couldn't afford a big wedding for me but it wasn't what I wanted anyway.
    Register Office, buffet at the nearest pub and I made my dress and the bridesmaids' too.
    Everybody enjoyed the party.

    To me, it's crazy to spend a fortune on a wedding if you're paying rent instead of a mortgage.
    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 2nd Mar 17, 3:01 PM
    • 13,663 Posts
    • 26,002 Thanks
    onlyroz
    For me I'd do the wedding first but make it a modest one. You can have a great day with plenty of guests for a few £k if you're prepared to forgo the extravagances. E.g. Have a buffet rather than a long tedious sit down meal, and don't go for the big meringue dress, horse-drawn carriages dozens of brides maids and groomsmen etc etc.
    • davidwood123
    • By davidwood123 2nd Mar 17, 3:05 PM
    • 450 Posts
    • 1,129 Thanks
    davidwood123
    If you already live together, I'd buy a house first. However, if you don't live together currently that makes it a bit different as some people don't want to co-habit until they're married. In that case, if you want to live together you'd 'have' to get married first.

    If you're renting now, what are the chances of you saving money by owning? I know some people pay more in rent than they would a mortgage plus other house ownership costs. If that might be the case, you could try the financial argument i.e. buy first and it will actually save you money (and that can be put towards the wedding of your (her?) dreams), whereas if you marry first it will only cost you money and will keep 'costing' you money every month as you'll be renting.
    Originally posted by rach_k
    If you've never lived together don't get married OR buy a house!
    • Caroline_a
    • By Caroline_a 2nd Mar 17, 3:08 PM
    • 3,874 Posts
    • 10,675 Thanks
    Caroline_a
    House every time! The wedding industry has gone crazy over the past few years - seat covers?? Are the chairs that filthy? I shudder when I see how much people are paying for ridiculous things, when, as PasturesNew so wisely says it's pretty meaningless to everybody except the bride!

    I would do what others have said and set out a spreadsheet to get your girlfriend to fill in. Get her to list absolutely everything she wants in a wedding and then get (real) prices. She'll be a bit shocked I would say.... Then go house-hunting
    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 2nd Mar 17, 3:12 PM
    • 17,095 Posts
    • 27,790 Thanks
    ringo_24601
    House every time! The wedding industry has gone crazy over the past few years - seat covers?? Are the chairs that filthy? I shudder when I see how much people are paying for ridiculous things, when, as PasturesNew so wisely says it's pretty meaningless to everybody except the bride!

    I would do what others have said and set out a spreadsheet to get your girlfriend to fill in. Get her to list absolutely everything she wants in a wedding and then get (real) prices. She'll be a bit shocked I would say.... Then go house-hunting
    Originally posted by Caroline_a
    Seat covers go on the back of chairs to make them look nicer

    It's a common 'upsell' for a wedding venue

    If you get married, and she decides she wants kids.. how are you ever going to afford a house?
    • Caroline_a
    • By Caroline_a 2nd Mar 17, 3:17 PM
    • 3,874 Posts
    • 10,675 Thanks
    Caroline_a
    Seat covers go on the back of chairs to make them look nicer

    It's a common 'upsell' for a wedding venue
    Originally posted by ringo_24601
    Still daft - I reckon that very few people over the age of, say, 45, had seat covers at their venue! More rubbish from across the Pond!
    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 2nd Mar 17, 3:23 PM
    • 17,095 Posts
    • 27,790 Thanks
    ringo_24601
    My cousin had them a few years back.. but it was a 'London' wedding. Black tie and all that.

    Best wedding I've been to cost a little under £100k. It had performances by people from the West end, a top end cover-band, superb food and in a top London venue. Apparently, Madona tried to gate crash it and security stopped her (True story!). The happy couple did get a photo with a nicer celeb who was staying at the hotel after my wife persuaded her to come in.

    I miss a good wedding.. not been to one in 18 months.
    Last edited by ringo_24601; 02-03-2017 at 3:28 PM.
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 2nd Mar 17, 3:44 PM
    • 120 Posts
    • 200 Thanks
    andydownes123
    My cousin had them a few years back.. but it was a 'London' wedding. Black tie and all that.

    Best wedding I've been to cost a little under £100k. It had performances by people from the West end, a top end cover-band, superb food and in a top London venue. Apparently, Madona tried to gate crash it and security stopped her (True story!). The happy couple did get a photo with a nicer celeb who was staying at the hotel after my wife persuaded her to come in.

    I miss a good wedding.. not been to one in 18 months.
    Originally posted by ringo_24601
    Sounds nice, but not what's it's really about is it? Sounds like the bride-to-be may wish for a wedding in that style though. OP is asking the wrong people on here really, we're all going to say house first.
    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 2nd Mar 17, 3:51 PM
    • 17,095 Posts
    • 27,790 Thanks
    ringo_24601
    Sounds nice, but not what's it's really about is it? Sounds like the bride-to-be may wish for a wedding in that style though. OP is asking the wrong people on here really, we're all going to say house first.
    Originally posted by andydownes123
    Oh no, it's not all about the money.. but they weren't spending beyond their means (££££ family). It was just lavish and lots of fun. Nice family, just immensely rich! I've been to intimate wedding and they can be just as nice (and the stag dos don't cost me anywhere near as much!)

    AND - they bought a house before a wedding


    Of course we're all going to say "buy a house you fool" on here - and forget about the feelings of his GF - who's probably been dreaming of this for a decade. Compromise may also not be what she's looking to hear.
    Last edited by ringo_24601; 02-03-2017 at 3:56 PM.
    • mai_taylor
    • By mai_taylor 2nd Mar 17, 4:01 PM
    • 184 Posts
    • 382 Thanks
    mai_taylor
    We did both, starting planning and paying for the wedding and put a 5% deposit down on a house. I knew that when we moved we wouldn't be able to afford to save for a wedding so I wanted us to have enough in savings to cover both.

    I wouldn't say definitely get a house first if it means you will be scrimping and saving for years to try and afford the wedding. Once it's done you will never have to pay for it again.
    Last edited by mai_taylor; 02-03-2017 at 4:05 PM.
    • woollisox
    • By woollisox 2nd Mar 17, 4:16 PM
    • 82 Posts
    • 354 Thanks
    woollisox
    I would always choose the house first. 2 years ago I'd have said wedding (no doubt in my answer either!) but I'm still trying to get a mortgage and find a decent house and the process is only getting harder now.
    Make £2017 in 2017: #34 Total - £10.81 / £2017

    Baby Woollisox due August 2017
    • tensandunits
    • By tensandunits 2nd Mar 17, 4:33 PM
    • 813 Posts
    • 1,224 Thanks
    tensandunits
    My parents bought their house before they got married, but moved in together after the wedding. It was a cheap-ish house and needed a lot of work doing to it before it became liveable-in. I think they really enjoyed doing up the house together when they were engaged. They also managed to have a nice (but not stupidly expensive) wedding.

    There's too much pressure on people these days to have a huge wedding they can barely afford, and ridiculous stag and hen 'weekends'!
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