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  • FIRST POST
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 1st Mar 17, 8:15 AM
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    GlasweJen
    Wedding/dealing with mother
    • #1
    • 1st Mar 17, 8:15 AM
    Wedding/dealing with mother 1st Mar 17 at 8:15 AM
    I'm putting this here instead of the wedding board as it's more a "mum" problem than a wedding problem.

    I got engaged 17 months ago and we are getting married in a couple of weeks. Invitations went out in January and we sent save the dates out December 2015 when we booked the venue.

    We are on a budget, while all of my sisters had £20K + their dress handed to them I've had £5K handed over and that includes the price of my dress (more about that later). Our wedding budget is £15K and it's been spent, we've only just afforded it without getting into debt and we've spent £14,890. There's not much left and that's fine, our numbers have been confirmed with the venue and the bill has been made up and will be paid this week.

    Now I told OH I didn't want to involve my mum, just collect the RSVP cards and I'll construct a table plan, I know most of the in fighting and family politics and I'm capable of sorting it out. We made a table plan, tweaked it and OH INSISTED that I run it by mum.

    We arranged to visit home last night to show mum the table plan, she went out so I texted her and asked when she'd be home and the answer was basically I'm out with my friends just leave it and I'll do it. We are so close to the wedding that isn't a possibility so I told her no, she looks at it tonight, she visits us on Thursday to do it or she's not involved at all.

    So she starts asking where I've sat people and who I've put where and complained that I've put uncle X (not my biological uncle and not actually invited by me, that's a story in itself). I told her "oh with my favourite uncle, your best friends, his son and one of my nieces who his son gets on with" and she complained "you've sat him with boring c*nts". Well mum it's only for a meal.

    So then she starts listing who she wants where and I'm trying to explain that tables are only so big and she wanted them mixed so it's 2 couples from our side per table, she doesn't like that. So she asked about her cousins from one side of the family and I said none of them RSVP'd. She said they have a habit of not RSVPing and then turning up so I said "well they won't get fed". I explained numbers are finalised, tables are full and to add them on would cost £80 a head for the meals alone, they'll need a table, chairs, linen, a centrepiece and stationery and I'm not willing to add them at this stage, she literally ignored me and kept talking.

    So she got in touch with the cousins (we only have one address for all 4 and partners but I send 4 day invites, 3 evening invites for their kids and partners, 4 save the dates and they have me on Facebook). They said they had no idea I was getting married and not one scrap of wedding stationery made it to them - colour me sceptical. Anyway mum has invited them to the full wedding, she texted me to tell me at quarter past 11 last night!

    In the car on the way home from mums last night my fianc! was all mouth "oh if she tries to add people on I'll tell her no and I'll tell her it's evening only blah blah blah", at 11:15 he was suspiciously quiet and this morning he just asked what I texted back (mum the numbers have been finalised and the tables are full - she hasn't read it).

    And now for the back story, I'm the middle child born during a very messy divorce and mum has no interest in me, never really has. I had a heart transplant and she was interested then but only because of the attention it got her. She has a weird relationship with all of us girls (the boy doesn't talk to her at all). Every time my wedding comes up she talks about my sisters wedding, even showing off photos of my sister in her dress at my dress fitting last week.

    I've always been the burden child, mysterious illness growing up and the transplant (she loved that). She looked after me a lot and claimed carers allowance up until last year but got bored so now I pay more for private care. My (step) dad thinks she still looks after me during the week and lets her off with paying almost nothing into the house (they're both self employed). It's recently emerged that mum is probably having an affair with the uncle im not related to that's sitting with the boring c*nts. My dad is basically putting on a facade until the wedding is over.

    I genuinely think she has mental health issues or some sort of bonding issue with me. She's never really been "mum" like to me like she was with my sisters (not my brother, he was ignored then sent to live with our grand parents). Even when she was caring it felt more like a nurse-patient relationship. I don't hate her or anything I just hate what she's doing to my wedding. She's literally not spoken to dad for a month, has decided that she's divorcing dad but he's to stay at home and pay the bills because she's not selling the house and wouldn't be able to afford to buy him out, she hasn't told dad this yet and doesn't know he wants to divorce her and knows about the affair.

    So what do I do? She's went ahead and invited these cousins, I have no space for them now and no money to pay to feed them. She might offer to pay but she's fly with money and I will probably never see it (she owes me £500 for something I paid for her 2 years ago, she asked me to buy it on my bank card as she doesn't use her cards online). I don't want to get into debt I'm happy for the cousins to come at night but I'm not willing to add a table in at this stage and don't think my linens guy will be too happy with having already been paid in full adding on extra places.

    Despite OH mouthing off he probably won't say anything and he is a bit of a push over.
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Page 3
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 1st Mar 17, 4:41 PM
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    andydownes123
    1) Send message to mum saying the cousins are not invited due to not RSVP, it can't be helped, it's not the end of the world but they are invited to the evening do.

    2) Try to Facebook the cousins saying that your mum thought that their places have been reserved, however this isn't the case and they are more than welcome to come for an evening do. Stress to them that you don't want them to be embarrassed by turning up early.

    3) Talk to the venue about these extra people. Advise them that extra people may turn up and the venue will have to deal with them IF things get out of hand. At the end of the day...they probably deal with an unexpected guest or two nearly every wedding. I've seen people who have turned up unexpected moved to the bar for the meal.
    • sulphate
    • By sulphate 1st Mar 17, 7:13 PM
    • 1,015 Posts
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    sulphate
    I've seen threads where someone's mentioned a narcissistic mum being derailed by the "don't label without a doctor" brigade and really can't be bothered with those responses. I think my younger sister is golden child, brother was the black sheep until she sent him away and then it was me (he went away before I started primary).

    She's doing everything she can to sabotage my day from wearing a high street dress (her outfits for my sisters weddings were all north of £1K), wearing my bridesmaid colours for her accessories and complaining that the hotel charges for breakfast with the room rate she booked. Between her and my mother in law (who is just a bit mother of the groom-zilla and a control freak and has chilled a bit since we started paying final bills) I'm surprised I've not had a nervous breakdown.
    Originally posted by GlasweJen
    Sorry but this makes you sound a bit bridezilla-ish! My mum wore an outfit from John Lewis on our wedding day and she looked amazing. I would have fallen off my chair had she spent £1k on an outfit.
    • jumpedtheshark
    • By jumpedtheshark 1st Mar 17, 7:54 PM
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    jumpedtheshark
    I think some posters are being a bit hard on the OP's point about the dress, etc.

    I think what OP means is that her mother has purposely spent less to show her 'ungrateful' daughter how much less important she is to her mother. In most families, it's not about the money. But, in families where it is, this is just one of her mother's ways of trying to upset her daughter and undermine her self-confidence on her wedding day.
    • svain
    • By svain 1st Mar 17, 7:58 PM
    • 100 Posts
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    svain
    Cash transfer onto a 0% credit card the amount you owe your mum and pay her back!!!

    Strip away all the bull sh*t of £1k outfits, posh dinners and problem family members and remind yourself what is important here .... which is you and your partner getting married!! .... preferably, i would suggest elsewhere, away from the circus!! .... and not what people have contributed or what they intend on wearing

    However i doubt you will do this as it feels like part of this problem is your insistence to compare your life with your siblings and who wore what during these weddings
    Last edited by svain; 01-03-2017 at 8:00 PM.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 1st Mar 17, 8:09 PM
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    annandale
    What I don't understand is, if your dad's feelings would have been hurt if he didn't contribute then why hasn't he made sure you got the same contribution as your sisters?
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 1st Mar 17, 8:15 PM
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    iammumtoone
    as it feels like part of this problem is your insistence to compare your life with your siblings and who wore what during these weddings
    Originally posted by svain
    It doesn't read like that me me. The OP is just trying to explain some background to the situation, you can't do right for wrong on here. Give away too little information and you get told you are in the wrong, try to explain in more detail why you feel like you do, then that gets used against you!
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    • svain
    • By svain 1st Mar 17, 8:31 PM
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    svain
    It doesn't read like that me me. The OP is just trying to explain some background to the situation, you can't do right for wrong on here. Give away too little information and you get told you are in the wrong, try to explain in more detail why you feel like you do, then that gets used against you!
    Originally posted by iammumtoone
    But .... in reality its irrelevant to the problem, What happened in the past with regards sibling weddings only becomes part of her problem if the OP lets it still.

    She would feel far more empowered if she just let it go, didnt compare and financed/arranged her big day independently from her mother/family.
    Last edited by svain; 01-03-2017 at 8:37 PM.
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 1st Mar 17, 8:40 PM
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    iammumtoone
    But .... in reality its irrelevant to the problem, It only becomes part of the problem if the OP lets it still.
    Originally posted by svain
    Yes that is very true but if they hadn't gone into background detail posters would assume a lovely mother/daughter relationship and advised differently.

    I see you are fairly new on here, welcome to the forum btw, sorry if I seemed to pick on your post, you were just the last one to mine but your aren't the only one with this is view.
    Sealed pot challenge ~ 10 #017
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    • svain
    • By svain 1st Mar 17, 8:42 PM
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    svain

    I see you are fairly new on here, welcome to the forum btw, sorry if I seemed to pick on your post, you were just the last one to mine but your aren't the only one with this is view.
    Originally posted by iammumtoone
    No apology needed and thankyou for the welcome
    • Aced2016
    • By Aced2016 1st Mar 17, 9:00 PM
    • 161 Posts
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    Aced2016
    My mum is very much like this, she only bothers with me now so she can see my kids. Or rather take pictures on them for her Facebook.

    I don't care for her at all !! I don't have any time for her. I never contact her or visit her. She also invited people to my wedding that I made clear I didn't want there.

    However you took a lot of money from her and £5000 is a lot of money. If someone causes you this much stress take a step back. Don't take her money, don't text, don't go out your way to contact her. Try and limit these type of people from your life ! I have and I've never been happier. Just wish I had the guts to cut her off completely though !

    Enjoy your wedding
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 1st Mar 17, 9:50 PM
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    theoretica
    I think the line for your mum now has to be that everything is finalised, just too late to make changes with the contractors, so no point discussing really. Can you let things she says just wash over you?
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
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    • When the going gets tough
    • By When the going gets tough 1st Mar 17, 10:09 PM
    • 560 Posts
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    When the going gets tough
    Glaswjen I don't have any advice other than to do all you can to have a lovely day and concentrate on being the bride who should be looked after and not burdened by problems on the day. It's a special day for you and your husband and nothing else matters. Very best wishes to you.
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 1st Mar 17, 10:51 PM
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    GlasweJen
    Sorry but this makes you sound a bit bridezilla-ish! My mum wore an outfit from John Lewis on our wedding day and she looked amazing. I would have fallen off my chair had she spent £1k on an outfit.
    Originally posted by sulphate
    I think some posters are being a bit hard on the OP's point about the dress, etc.

    I think what OP means is that her mother has purposely spent less to show her 'ungrateful' daughter how much less important she is to her mother. In most families, it's not about the money. But, in families where it is, this is just one of her mother's ways of trying to upset her daughter and undermine her self-confidence on her wedding day.
    Originally posted by jumpedtheshark
    The second quote answers the first one (and all the other dress ones really). I wouldn't mind if she just wore a dress but it's the song and dance surrounding it, everyone knows that she spent weeks choosing the dresses for my sisters weddings and for this one she had to be dragged out shopping by my dad to choose something and ended up picking something she was in Debenhams that she's told everyone she doesnt like.

    What I don't understand is, if your dad's feelings would have been hurt if he didn't contribute then why hasn't he made sure you got the same contribution as your sisters?
    Originally posted by annandale
    He can't afford to. He's worked mega over time to scrape together the money he has given us and I really appreciate it. He's a self employed taxi driver and isn't in the best of health at the moment. Mum isn't working nearly as many hours as she used to and is no longer getting carers allowance for me so she basically has no income but spends money like it's going out of fashion. Dad doesn't know that she no longer gets carers allowance as she hasn't told him that she stopped looking after me last year. She expected me to allow her to keep claiming so she could have more personal spends but I told her she wasn't committing benefit fraud in my name. She could work all the hours if she wanted but she's not inclined. She is also a taxi driver and they both have their own licensed cars.

    Mum controls all money going into the house, dad's much better with money but she won't allow dad to even have possession of his own bank card.
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    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 1st Mar 17, 10:59 PM
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    GlasweJen
    My mum is very much like this, she only bothers with me now so she can see my kids. Or rather take pictures on them for her Facebook.
    Originally posted by Aced2016
    My mum told my future mother in law and all my friends at my hen party that if I had a boy she would take nothing to do with him! The woman is a screw ball. For some reason she doesn't understand that her son doesn't speak to her because she sent him to live with her dysfunctional ex in laws who refused to allow him a relationship with his mum or siblings. We used to sneak into each other's playgrounds to see each other at school. How we never had a social worker involved I will never know.

    To my mum boys are just awful and she will only tolerate grand daughters.
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    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 1st Mar 17, 11:41 PM
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    BrassicWoman
    Don't have a seating plan and let people sit with whoever they like. I am sure as adults they will cope!
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    • xXMessedUpXx
    • By xXMessedUpXx 2nd Mar 17, 12:46 AM
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    xXMessedUpXx
    No offence but your mum sounds like a bit of a nightmare! And OH was wrong to not support you and go against your wishes. You say she never really showed any interest before yet she seems to want to take center stage in the wedding plans? As far as cousins go, sorry but you did invite them and they didn;t respond, so in my eyes that says they're not going, especially as you've already (near enough) paid for everything. As hard as it is i think you need to put your foot down, explain you invited them but they didn;t respond and you cant accommodate them now. If your mother doesn;t like than then tough **** she should have thought about that before meddling with things.
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    • *max*
    • By *max* 2nd Mar 17, 1:01 AM
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    *max*
    The OP said in her first post that she had 5k handed over, I assume that's been from parents.
    And commented that other people got 20k. I do think it's a bit odd saying in the one breath that you got 5 grand given to you for your wedding and then saying that your mum owes you 500 pounds from a few years back.
    If you only just afforded it without getting into debt you could have had a wedding cheaper than 15 grand.

    This really isn't a mess. You tell her no or you tell her to pay for your cousins.

    Your biggest problem is with your OH, he was the one who insisted you run this table plan past your mum, if he hadn't none of this would have happened.


    Did the OP not have ANY choice? Just because her OH insisted, did she HAVE to involve her mother in the plans, at this last minute?



    Its about you and your OH, not about her. He's caused this drama, Id be asking him to sort it.
    Originally posted by Kirklees1992
    I absolutely do not think her OH is to blame. I think OP is. She always had a choice not to involve her mother at this late stage, when everything is set and she knew mum would cause trouble. Her OH suggested it, probably to keep the peace; did she have to do it? Nope.

    The "Big girl's pants" should have been put on way, way before today. Starting with not accepting her flighty, unreliable mother's money to pay for part of the wedding.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 2nd Mar 17, 7:12 AM
    • 16,725 Posts
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    Pollycat
    I think some posters are being a bit hard on the OP's point about the dress, etc.

    I think what OP means is that her mother has purposely spent less to show her 'ungrateful' daughter how much less important she is to her mother. In most families, it's not about the money. But, in families where it is, this is just one of her mother's ways of trying to upset her daughter and undermine her self-confidence on her wedding day.
    Originally posted by jumpedtheshark
    I agree with this.

    The dress was just one example given by Glaswejen and it seems to have been jumped on by a few posters who appear to think she is being a bride-zilla.

    Unless you have a Mother who is narcissistic (as the OP says her Mum is) or know someone like that, it's hard to understand why something that seems on the face of it to be such a small thing is seen as an act of 'sabotage'.

    I can fully understand where the OP is coming from, knowing someone who is narcissistic.

    It would be a shame if - because of a few things the OP has posted that are clearly a big issue to her but seem trivial to a lot of people - Glaswegan feels 'got at' when she has posted here in despair.
    I'd hate to think that some of the comments posted have made Glaswegan feel even worse than she did before she posted.
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 2nd Mar 17, 7:29 AM
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    GlasweJen
    I absolutely do not think her OH is to blame. I think OP is. She always had a choice not to involve her mother at this late stage, when everything is set and she knew mum would cause trouble. Her OH suggested it, probably to keep the peace; did she have to do it? Nope.

    The "Big girl's pants" should have been put on way, way before today. Starting with not accepting her flighty, unreliable mother's money to pay for part of the wedding.
    Originally posted by *max*
    Can I make it clear that my mum isn't flighty, she's scheming. This is what she does. The other half hasn't experienced her in this mode before and doesn't believe mums can be like this with their daughters. He just can't wrap his head around it and how could he? He's the much longed for only child who is doted on by both parents. Mother in law sympathises, I get the impression her mum was like this too, she's tried to steer other half away from involving my mum but they are a very traditional family and etiquette dictates that my mum should have a say. That was his logic when he arranged to bring the table plan to my parents house and mum didn't even appear to look at it, his flabber was well and truly gasted.

    As for the money, see above. I have a step father who has been there for me since I was a toddler and he wanted to contribute to the wedding. He worked his backside off to give us the money and mum didn't contribute a penny of it (though he doesn't know that I know this, mum told me in one of her spiteful moments).

    Mum doesn't have much of an income, she could have one but she doesn't work. She has everything she needs to work except the inclination to do it. She's not depressed, she isn't at home during the day because she can't be because then dad would work out that she's no longer helping me and their agreement all those years ago was mum would go part time and help me and he'd work more of the unsociable hours. She spends her time shopping, visiting people from the church, spending time with that uncle and she occasionally does some work so she can tell dad how awful it was and how she got skipped over twice for an airport job and someone allocated her to another zone and then a good hire went through to the zone she was sitting in. I work more hours than mum and I'm severely disabled and recovering from heart surgery.
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    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 2nd Mar 17, 7:44 AM
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    GlasweJen
    No offence but your mum sounds like a bit of a nightmare! none taken, she really is a nightmare. I used to fantasise that my friend and I were swapped at birth and her mum was really my mum, we were born in the same hospital on the same day within hours of each other And OH was wrong to not support you and go against your wishes. You say she never really showed any interest before yet she seems to want to take center stage in the wedding plans? I wouldn't say that, she's been completely indifferent to the wedding up until now, she's just throwing spanners in now that something hasn't gone how she wanted it to go. She wanted to sit one of those cousins with the affair uncle as they're from the same village but as they didn't rsvp I didn't know they were coming and that's what's set her off.As far as cousins go, sorry but you did invite them and they didn;t respond, so in my eyes that says they're not going, especially as you've already (near enough) paid for everything. As hard as it is i think you need to put your foot down, explain you invited them but they didn;t respond and you cant accommodate them now. If your mother doesn;t like than then tough **** she should have thought about that before meddling with things.
    Originally posted by xXMessedUpXx
    I texted her last night and said "sorry we won't be home tomorrow night, I'm off work during the day and could have come over to yours for an hour before physio but if you need to speak to both of us that probably won't work for you. It's unfortunate that "the family" didn't get any of the wedding stuff through, I posted it all to aunt X at Y address as this was the only address I had for them, it's the address we used for sisters wedding. It's too late to add people now as we have no space to accommodate them and the venue and venue dresser are both paid in full. You can tell them that they're welcome to come to the reception at 7:30 and if you send me their address I can have partner drive along and put an invitation through their door so they have the correct details about the venue"

    I sent that at 9:30 last night, sat back and waited for the bomb to drop and her to phone me but she hasn't called. Put my phone in the kitchen to charge over night as I didn't want her to wake me at the back of 11 for one of her rants. She's not called or texted so no idea what's going on. I'll call dad later and ask if she's mentioned it. He knows the situation and said he doesn't know what's going on in her head but she's out of order.
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