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  • FIRST POST
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 1st Mar 17, 7:15 AM
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    GlasweJen
    Wedding/dealing with mother
    • #1
    • 1st Mar 17, 7:15 AM
    Wedding/dealing with mother 1st Mar 17 at 7:15 AM
    I'm putting this here instead of the wedding board as it's more a "mum" problem than a wedding problem.

    I got engaged 17 months ago and we are getting married in a couple of weeks. Invitations went out in January and we sent save the dates out December 2015 when we booked the venue.

    We are on a budget, while all of my sisters had £20K + their dress handed to them I've had £5K handed over and that includes the price of my dress (more about that later). Our wedding budget is £15K and it's been spent, we've only just afforded it without getting into debt and we've spent £14,890. There's not much left and that's fine, our numbers have been confirmed with the venue and the bill has been made up and will be paid this week.

    Now I told OH I didn't want to involve my mum, just collect the RSVP cards and I'll construct a table plan, I know most of the in fighting and family politics and I'm capable of sorting it out. We made a table plan, tweaked it and OH INSISTED that I run it by mum.

    We arranged to visit home last night to show mum the table plan, she went out so I texted her and asked when she'd be home and the answer was basically I'm out with my friends just leave it and I'll do it. We are so close to the wedding that isn't a possibility so I told her no, she looks at it tonight, she visits us on Thursday to do it or she's not involved at all.

    So she starts asking where I've sat people and who I've put where and complained that I've put uncle X (not my biological uncle and not actually invited by me, that's a story in itself). I told her "oh with my favourite uncle, your best friends, his son and one of my nieces who his son gets on with" and she complained "you've sat him with boring c*nts". Well mum it's only for a meal.

    So then she starts listing who she wants where and I'm trying to explain that tables are only so big and she wanted them mixed so it's 2 couples from our side per table, she doesn't like that. So she asked about her cousins from one side of the family and I said none of them RSVP'd. She said they have a habit of not RSVPing and then turning up so I said "well they won't get fed". I explained numbers are finalised, tables are full and to add them on would cost £80 a head for the meals alone, they'll need a table, chairs, linen, a centrepiece and stationery and I'm not willing to add them at this stage, she literally ignored me and kept talking.

    So she got in touch with the cousins (we only have one address for all 4 and partners but I send 4 day invites, 3 evening invites for their kids and partners, 4 save the dates and they have me on Facebook). They said they had no idea I was getting married and not one scrap of wedding stationery made it to them - colour me sceptical. Anyway mum has invited them to the full wedding, she texted me to tell me at quarter past 11 last night!

    In the car on the way home from mums last night my fianc! was all mouth "oh if she tries to add people on I'll tell her no and I'll tell her it's evening only blah blah blah", at 11:15 he was suspiciously quiet and this morning he just asked what I texted back (mum the numbers have been finalised and the tables are full - she hasn't read it).

    And now for the back story, I'm the middle child born during a very messy divorce and mum has no interest in me, never really has. I had a heart transplant and she was interested then but only because of the attention it got her. She has a weird relationship with all of us girls (the boy doesn't talk to her at all). Every time my wedding comes up she talks about my sisters wedding, even showing off photos of my sister in her dress at my dress fitting last week.

    I've always been the burden child, mysterious illness growing up and the transplant (she loved that). She looked after me a lot and claimed carers allowance up until last year but got bored so now I pay more for private care. My (step) dad thinks she still looks after me during the week and lets her off with paying almost nothing into the house (they're both self employed). It's recently emerged that mum is probably having an affair with the uncle im not related to that's sitting with the boring c*nts. My dad is basically putting on a facade until the wedding is over.

    I genuinely think she has mental health issues or some sort of bonding issue with me. She's never really been "mum" like to me like she was with my sisters (not my brother, he was ignored then sent to live with our grand parents). Even when she was caring it felt more like a nurse-patient relationship. I don't hate her or anything I just hate what she's doing to my wedding. She's literally not spoken to dad for a month, has decided that she's divorcing dad but he's to stay at home and pay the bills because she's not selling the house and wouldn't be able to afford to buy him out, she hasn't told dad this yet and doesn't know he wants to divorce her and knows about the affair.

    So what do I do? She's went ahead and invited these cousins, I have no space for them now and no money to pay to feed them. She might offer to pay but she's fly with money and I will probably never see it (she owes me £500 for something I paid for her 2 years ago, she asked me to buy it on my bank card as she doesn't use her cards online). I don't want to get into debt I'm happy for the cousins to come at night but I'm not willing to add a table in at this stage and don't think my linens guy will be too happy with having already been paid in full adding on extra places.

    Despite OH mouthing off he probably won't say anything and he is a bit of a push over.
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Page 2
    • silvercar
    • By silvercar 1st Mar 17, 10:58 AM
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    silvercar
    He who pays the piper calls the tune.

    You are paying, your wedding, end of. Facebook message the cousins, tell them you only had one address, don't know why they didn;'t receive the invite but there is no room. Going forward either build a relationship with them directly or forget them. You certainly don't need a relationship that is only through your mum.

    If Mum wants to pay then tell her you need the money within 24 hours or its not happening, but personally I wouldn't go down this road. Really you don't want her using her paying towards the wedding as a weapon in the future.

    And tell your OH that he needs this to be a lesson!

    congratulations on your wedding.
    • tea lover
    • By tea lover 1st Mar 17, 11:15 AM
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    tea lover
    He who pays the piper calls the tune.

    You are paying, your wedding, end of. Facebook message the cousins, tell them you only had one address, don't know why they didn;'t receive the invite but there is no room. Going forward either build a relationship with them directly or forget them. You certainly don't need a relationship that is only through your mum.

    If Mum wants to pay then tell her you need the money within 24 hours or its not happening, but personally I wouldn't go down this road. Really you don't want her using her paying towards the wedding as a weapon in the future.

    And tell your OH that he needs this to be a lesson!

    congratulations on your wedding.
    Originally posted by silvercar
    She's already paid £5k, 1/3 of the cost.
    • Kirklees1992
    • By Kirklees1992 1st Mar 17, 11:17 AM
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    Kirklees1992
    The OP said in her first post that she had 5k handed over, I assume that's been from parents.
    And commented that other people got 20k. I do think it's a bit odd saying in the one breath that you got 5 grand given to you for your wedding and then saying that your mum owes you 500 pounds from a few years back.
    If you only just afforded it without getting into debt you could have had a wedding cheaper than 15 grand.

    This really isn't a mess. You tell her no or you tell her to pay for your cousins.

    Your biggest problem is with your OH, he was the one who insisted you run this table plan past your mum, if he hadn't none of this would have happened.

    As for her wearing a dress from the high street sabotaging your wedding, I don't know what to say about that except it seems that you have issues with how much she spent on your sisters weddings and what she wore to your sister's weddings, does that really matter?

    Its about you and your OH, not about her. He's caused this drama, Id be asking him to sort it.
    • -taff
    • By -taff 1st Mar 17, 12:03 PM
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    -taff
    I wouldn't worry too much about the dress, I knew someone who wore white to her sons weddings, the same white as the bride.....Awkward much....Yes, she did it on purpose....

    Your wedding, your rules. The cousins can't come unless they want to stand in the bar, sorry and all that.....
    • Gingernutty
    • By Gingernutty 1st Mar 17, 12:16 PM
    • 3,293 Posts
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    Gingernutty
    Sorry OP, you've got an OH problem.

    He ran it by your Mum even though you told him not to and he'll let her walk over him now.

    He had no right to involve her over something you'd already bought and paid for and him mouthing off about her and then allowing himself to be a pushover when he gets face to face or text to text is just not on.

    You've got to put on a united front against your mum and now the cousins. If he doesn't you're just going to have to ask him where he's going to find the extra money from.

    You're going to have to bite the bullet and uninvite the cousins. Tell them your Mum made a mistake and mistook the evening 'do' guest list for the dining guest list and they should have been invited to the evening 'do'.

    Let rip at your OH and tell him not to stick his oar into your family politics again.
    Don't know what I'm doing, but doing it anyway...
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 1st Mar 17, 12:25 PM
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    lika_86

    You're going to have to bite the bullet and uninvite the cousins. Tell them your Mum made a mistake and mistook the evening 'do' guest list for the dining guest list and they should have been invited to the evening 'do'.
    Originally posted by Gingernutty
    It's no good doing that if, as the OP suspects, the invitations did arrive but were never replied to! Better to say that numbers have been finalised now for the day but they can come for the evening.
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 1st Mar 17, 12:31 PM
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    GlasweJen
    My sisters had the budget so had massive weddings where mum could invite as many people as she liked and could demand extravagant things like designer invitations and £3K wedding dresses. She doesn't understand (or doesn't want to understand) that because our budget is much smaller she can't have that.

    We were comfortable spending £15K. That's was £5K from either side plus £5K that we saved. When our invitations came back we budgeted for that number of people to eat and that influenced our choice of food for the breakfast and the buffet.

    I had many meal options veto'd by mum as not being nice enough for a wedding. she's basically pressuring us to put on the same sort of wedding my sisters had and we simply don't want it and can't really afford it. Of course to the family she's implying that they've contributed the same as to my sisters weddings and we are just being nasty by not giving her 100% of her say and we're not using the money for the wedding but for other things.
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    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 1st Mar 17, 12:35 PM
    • 5,306 Posts
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    TBagpuss
    How frustrating.

    I think the biggest issue is. To avoid stress on the day, I'd suggest that you contact them directly now, either phone or e-mail.

    Say somthing like

    "Mum just told me that she had invited you to my wedding on [date] unfortuantely, as we had a hard deadline of [date] to finalise the arrangments with the venue and caterers , we can't now add any guests at all. I'm afraid that this means it won't be possible to fit you in.

    If you would like to join us fo the evening reception [give details] you would be more than welcome, it would be lovely to see you, but we will of course undestand f you're not able to make it. I wanted to let you know as soon as possible."

    If you are emailing rather than speaking directly I would add "If you have any questions please contact me, not mum, as Fiance and I are doing allthe arrangements ourselves, and well of couse we're talking to mum about a lot of it, she doesn't have all the details or al lthe information about the limits on numbers etc"

    depending on how far you think your mum may go, consider making a quick call to your venue and mention that your mum doesn't have authority to change numbers / arrangments and that any request for any change MUST be referred to you. I would expect them to do that anyway but if you think she might try to tell the venue to add extras herself, it's worth reminding them that they can't accept instructions from anyone other than you and your fiance.

    I hope that despite these issues, you have a wonderful day. Remeber, the main thing is that you and your fiance get to get married, and to be together. If your mum makes a scene or grumbles then 99% of people are going to think less of her, for making a scene at your wedding, not of you.
    • Kirklees1992
    • By Kirklees1992 1st Mar 17, 12:49 PM
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    Kirklees1992
    Again, your OH is the person who has caused this issue.

    Personally, if my relationship with my mum was so bad, I wouldn't have taken the 5k from her.

    Or caved and had the wedding she wanted you to have.
    • Kirklees1992
    • By Kirklees1992 1st Mar 17, 12:55 PM
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    Kirklees1992
    She's doing everything she can to sabotage my day from wearing a high street dress (her outfits for my sisters weddings were all north of £1K), wearing my bridesmaid colours for her accessories and complaining that the hotel charges for breakfast with the room rate she booked.


    I cant quote sorry, but that isn't sabotage. I think you need to take a step back.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 1st Mar 17, 1:20 PM
    • 5,326 Posts
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    thorsoak
    She's doing everything she can to sabotage my day from wearing a high street dress (her outfits for my sisters weddings were all north of £1K), wearing my bridesmaid colours for her accessories and complaining that the hotel charges for breakfast with the room rate she booked.


    I cant quote sorry, but that isn't sabotage. I think you need to take a step back.
    Originally posted by Kirklees1992
    It's GlasweJen's wedding, for heaven's sake! Her mum is being a complete wind-up merchant and sadly, the pressure is getting to GlasweJen.

    Jen - for what it's worth, if I were in your shoes, I would send a message to your cousins, to say that sadly for H & S reasons, the venue can only take X number of people for the wedding and as your mother had not let you know that they were able to attend the numbers have been filled.

    Or better still - get your MIL on board, and get her to talk to the cousins - and deal with your mother. Confide in MIL - who obviously wants the wedding to be done in "the right way" and get her to do the deed!

    it's so sad when what should be a happy day turns into a nightmare x
    • tea lover
    • By tea lover 1st Mar 17, 1:28 PM
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    tea lover
    It's GlasweJen's wedding, for heaven's sake! Her mum is being a complete wind-up merchant and sadly, the pressure is getting to GlasweJen.
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    The mum does sound like a bit of a nightmare (and wedding stress certainly can be a PITA too). I think what people are saying though is if you have a parent that you know is going to be interfering and trouble-making, why take a large amount of money from them and then wonder that they want their own way?!

    Yes, in an ideal world the money wouldn't come with strings, but if someone has been a pain your entire life they're unlikely to suddenly change when you add a wedding into the mix.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Mar 17, 1:30 PM
    • 16,369 Posts
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    Pollycat
    It's GlasweJen's wedding, for heaven's sake! Her mum is being a complete wind-up merchant and sadly, the pressure is getting to GlasweJen.

    Jen - for what it's worth, if I were in your shoes, I would send a message to your cousins, to say that sadly for H & S reasons, the venue can only take X number of people for the wedding and as your mother had not let you know that they were able to attend the numbers have been filled.

    Or better still - get your MIL on board, and get her to talk to the cousins - and deal with your mother. Confide in MIL - who obviously wants the wedding to be done in "the right way" and get her to do the deed!

    it's so sad when what should be a happy day turns into a nightmare x
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    I'd be inclined to state the truth - they didn't RSVP (pretty rude, imho) so it was assumed that they weren't going to attend.
    • Kirklees1992
    • By Kirklees1992 1st Mar 17, 1:31 PM
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    Kirklees1992
    How exactly is wearing a high street dress sabotage?
    Or wearing bridesmaid colours for her accessories sabotage?
    Or complaining that the hotel charges for breakfast sabotage?


    It's not sabotage. If my relationship with my mum was so poor, Id have declined the money and taken myself off to have the wedding I wanted, rather than the one my relatives wanted, really, is it worth this misery?

    And it's not a nightmare, its completely fixable, as has already been suggested, her OH caused this, he can sort it out.
    • Kirklees1992
    • By Kirklees1992 1st Mar 17, 1:32 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 27 Thanks
    Kirklees1992
    The mum does sound like a bit of a nightmare (and wedding stress certainly can be a PITA too). I think what people are saying though is if you have a parent that you know is going to be interfering and trouble-making, why take a large amount of money from them and then wonder that they want their own way?!

    Yes, in an ideal world the money wouldn't come with strings, but if someone has been a pain your entire life they're unlikely to suddenly change when you add a wedding into the mix.


    Couldnt have put it better.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 1st Mar 17, 1:34 PM
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    onomatopoeia99
    Yes, in an ideal world the money wouldn't come with strings, but if someone has been a pain your entire life they're unlikely to suddenly change when you add a wedding into the mix.
    Originally posted by tea lover
    Powerful argument for eloping I'd say. Who needs the drama?
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    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 1st Mar 17, 1:39 PM
    • 4,335 Posts
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    iammumtoone
    I have never planned a wedding but for those you have invited don't you check that you got a reply (either way) at least for the daytime guests (evening not so much) and chase for an answer?

    What if they had sent back the RSPV as coming and it got lost in the post to you turned up and no space .

    However in this case you do have the advantage of them admitting that they never got the invite so easy for you to apologise (even if you don't mean it, better to be the bigger person ) and say as you didn't get a response you assumed they couldn't make it and there is no room due to H&S (great suggest above), but they are welcome to come to the evening.

    Good Luck when this is all over you won't remember any of it, or it will pale into insignificance. Just enjoy the wonderful time on your big day.
    Last edited by iammumtoone; 01-03-2017 at 1:41 PM.
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    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Mar 17, 1:43 PM
    • 16,369 Posts
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    Pollycat
    She's complained that she isn't included then changes the subject or plays with her phone every time my wedding is mentioned and now that we are down to single figure days to go she wants to change things to suit cousins that no one has spoken to since the last time they turned up to a wedding.
    Originally posted by GlasweJen
    It never ceases to amaze me why people invite what are virtually complete strangers to celebratory events simply because they are family.

    I've been married twice and me and husband-to-be paid for everything in both cases so it was definitely our cash - our say on invitees, venue etc.
    In fact at my first wedding, we invited one cousin who we socialised with every weekend but not his brother that I'd never met and my partner hadn't seen for years.
    The cousin we knew threw a strop and said he wasn't coming to the wedding if his brother wasn't invited.
    We told him he and his wife had been invited because we considered them friends rather than family.
    We ended by telling him he wasn't going to dictate to us who was coming to our wedding and that he was now de-invited.

    Oh, the joys of paying for everything yourself.
    Last edited by Pollycat; 01-03-2017 at 1:50 PM.
    • Quizzical Squirrel
    • By Quizzical Squirrel 1st Mar 17, 1:44 PM
    • 88 Posts
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    Quizzical Squirrel
    Since they've already been through it, have you asked your sisters for advice on this situation?
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 1st Mar 17, 3:14 PM
    • 3,411 Posts
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    paddy's mum

    Failing that, give me and heartbreak_star your address and we'll come over and put her straight.
    And trust me, it won't be pretty - but she will get the message.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I'm free then as well and I don't think it will take me long to dig out my gold and scarlet high top boxing boots and my steel-lined gloves are somewhere hereabouts...
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