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  • FIRST POST
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 1st Mar 17, 8:15 AM
    • 6,228Posts
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    GlasweJen
    Wedding/dealing with mother
    • #1
    • 1st Mar 17, 8:15 AM
    Wedding/dealing with mother 1st Mar 17 at 8:15 AM
    I'm putting this here instead of the wedding board as it's more a "mum" problem than a wedding problem.

    I got engaged 17 months ago and we are getting married in a couple of weeks. Invitations went out in January and we sent save the dates out December 2015 when we booked the venue.

    We are on a budget, while all of my sisters had £20K + their dress handed to them I've had £5K handed over and that includes the price of my dress (more about that later). Our wedding budget is £15K and it's been spent, we've only just afforded it without getting into debt and we've spent £14,890. There's not much left and that's fine, our numbers have been confirmed with the venue and the bill has been made up and will be paid this week.

    Now I told OH I didn't want to involve my mum, just collect the RSVP cards and I'll construct a table plan, I know most of the in fighting and family politics and I'm capable of sorting it out. We made a table plan, tweaked it and OH INSISTED that I run it by mum.

    We arranged to visit home last night to show mum the table plan, she went out so I texted her and asked when she'd be home and the answer was basically I'm out with my friends just leave it and I'll do it. We are so close to the wedding that isn't a possibility so I told her no, she looks at it tonight, she visits us on Thursday to do it or she's not involved at all.

    So she starts asking where I've sat people and who I've put where and complained that I've put uncle X (not my biological uncle and not actually invited by me, that's a story in itself). I told her "oh with my favourite uncle, your best friends, his son and one of my nieces who his son gets on with" and she complained "you've sat him with boring c*nts". Well mum it's only for a meal.

    So then she starts listing who she wants where and I'm trying to explain that tables are only so big and she wanted them mixed so it's 2 couples from our side per table, she doesn't like that. So she asked about her cousins from one side of the family and I said none of them RSVP'd. She said they have a habit of not RSVPing and then turning up so I said "well they won't get fed". I explained numbers are finalised, tables are full and to add them on would cost £80 a head for the meals alone, they'll need a table, chairs, linen, a centrepiece and stationery and I'm not willing to add them at this stage, she literally ignored me and kept talking.

    So she got in touch with the cousins (we only have one address for all 4 and partners but I send 4 day invites, 3 evening invites for their kids and partners, 4 save the dates and they have me on Facebook). They said they had no idea I was getting married and not one scrap of wedding stationery made it to them - colour me sceptical. Anyway mum has invited them to the full wedding, she texted me to tell me at quarter past 11 last night!

    In the car on the way home from mums last night my fianc! was all mouth "oh if she tries to add people on I'll tell her no and I'll tell her it's evening only blah blah blah", at 11:15 he was suspiciously quiet and this morning he just asked what I texted back (mum the numbers have been finalised and the tables are full - she hasn't read it).

    And now for the back story, I'm the middle child born during a very messy divorce and mum has no interest in me, never really has. I had a heart transplant and she was interested then but only because of the attention it got her. She has a weird relationship with all of us girls (the boy doesn't talk to her at all). Every time my wedding comes up she talks about my sisters wedding, even showing off photos of my sister in her dress at my dress fitting last week.

    I've always been the burden child, mysterious illness growing up and the transplant (she loved that). She looked after me a lot and claimed carers allowance up until last year but got bored so now I pay more for private care. My (step) dad thinks she still looks after me during the week and lets her off with paying almost nothing into the house (they're both self employed). It's recently emerged that mum is probably having an affair with the uncle im not related to that's sitting with the boring c*nts. My dad is basically putting on a facade until the wedding is over.

    I genuinely think she has mental health issues or some sort of bonding issue with me. She's never really been "mum" like to me like she was with my sisters (not my brother, he was ignored then sent to live with our grand parents). Even when she was caring it felt more like a nurse-patient relationship. I don't hate her or anything I just hate what she's doing to my wedding. She's literally not spoken to dad for a month, has decided that she's divorcing dad but he's to stay at home and pay the bills because she's not selling the house and wouldn't be able to afford to buy him out, she hasn't told dad this yet and doesn't know he wants to divorce her and knows about the affair.

    So what do I do? She's went ahead and invited these cousins, I have no space for them now and no money to pay to feed them. She might offer to pay but she's fly with money and I will probably never see it (she owes me £500 for something I paid for her 2 years ago, she asked me to buy it on my bank card as she doesn't use her cards online). I don't want to get into debt I'm happy for the cousins to come at night but I'm not willing to add a table in at this stage and don't think my linens guy will be too happy with having already been paid in full adding on extra places.

    Despite OH mouthing off he probably won't say anything and he is a bit of a push over.
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Page 1
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Mar 17, 8:44 AM
    • 17,625 Posts
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    Pollycat
    • #2
    • 1st Mar 17, 8:44 AM
    • #2
    • 1st Mar 17, 8:44 AM
    WOW! Oh WOW!

    What an almighty mess, Glaswejen.

    How strong are you?

    Personally, if it was going to mess up the whole table arrangements to have your cousins at the full do, I'd get in touch with them and say that as they didn't RSVP (don't get into the 'but...but....we didn't receive the invitation' argument) your Mum was out of order inviting them at such short notice and you are - with regret - rescinding the invitations but they are welcome at the evening do if they wish to come.

    If it's possible to fit them in, I'd tell your Mother that they can come but only if she tips up the full cost of their meals right now.
    Otherwise, you're ringing them to tell them she had no right to invite them and they are de-invited.

    Tell your Mother that she's created a mess that you don't need so close to the wedding and she is having zero input into the table planning.
    It will be as you originally planned.

    I'd then tell your OH that you know your Mother best and not to interfere in future.

    This is what I'd do but I'm a very strong person.

    I wish you well and hope your special day is perfect.

    Re this:
    And now for the back story, I'm the middle child born during a very messy divorce and mum has no interest in me, never really has. I had a heart transplant and she was interested then but only because of the attention it got her. She has a weird relationship with all of us girls (the boy doesn't talk to her at all). Every time my wedding comes up she talks about my sisters wedding, even showing off photos of my sister in her dress at my dress fitting last week.

    I've always been the burden child, mysterious illness growing up and the transplant (she loved that). She looked after me a lot and claimed carers allowance up until last year but got bored so now I pay more for private care. My (step) dad thinks she still looks after me during the week and lets her off with paying almost nothing into the house (they're both self employed). It's recently emerged that mum is probably having an affair with the uncle im not related to that's sitting with the boring c*nts. My dad is basically putting on a facade until the wedding is over.

    I genuinely think she has mental health issues or some sort of bonding issue with me. She's never really been "mum" like to me like she was with my sisters (not my brother, he was ignored then sent to live with our grand parents). Even when she was caring it felt more like a nurse-patient relationship. I don't hate her or anything I just hate what she's doing to my wedding. She's literally not spoken to dad for a month, has decided that she's divorcing dad but he's to stay at home and pay the bills because she's not selling the house and wouldn't be able to afford to buy him out, she hasn't told dad this yet and doesn't know he wants to divorce her and knows about the affair.
    Originally posted by GlasweJen
    I don't know if you've posted on or read any of this thread:
    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5590020

    Lots of people with similar Mothers.
    She may have a narcissistic personality - lots of discussion about that on the thread.

    Google it.
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 1st Mar 17, 9:32 AM
    • 6,228 Posts
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    GlasweJen
    • #3
    • 1st Mar 17, 9:32 AM
    • #3
    • 1st Mar 17, 9:32 AM
    WOW! Oh WOW!

    What an almighty mess, Glaswejen.

    How strong are you?
    not that strong when it comes to mum. She's painted me as the problem child for so long that I just can't stand up to her any more. This is the last of a long line of things she's done that she'll blame on me, guaranteed she's made out to the flake cousins that I probably forgot to post the invite rather than that they're a bunch of flakes who never turn up when they say they do so I was relieved when they didn't RSVP

    Personally, if it was going to mess up the whole table arrangements to have your cousins at the full do, I'd get in touch with them and say that as they didn't RSVP (don't get into the 'but...but....we didn't receive the invitation' argument) your Mum was out of order inviting them at such short notice and you are - with regret - rescinding the invitations but they are welcome at the evening do if they wish to come.

    They're my mums cousins not mine, the only contact info I have for them is the address that mysteriously doesn't receive post, we use the oldest sisters address for everyone so apparently a whole families worth of invites all went missing from one sorting office

    If it's possible to fit them in, I'd tell your Mother that they can come but only if she tips up the full cost of their meals right now.
    Otherwise, you're ringing them to tell them she had no right to invite them and they are de-invited.

    Tell your Mother that she's created a mess that you don't need so close to the wedding and she is having zero input into the table planning.
    It will be as you originally planned.

    I'd then tell your OH that you know your Mother best and not to interfere in future.
    i'm sick of telling him to not get involved with my mum and I but he thought it was "her place"

    This is what I'd do but I'm a very strong person.
    i'd love to do this, can I hire you to phone my mum?
    I wish you well and hope your special day is perfect.
    thank you

    Re this:

    I don't know if you've posted on or read any of this thread:
    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5590020

    Lots of people with similar Mothers.
    She may have a narcissistic personality - lots of discussion about that on the thread.

    Google it.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Thanks, I didn't want to say I thought mum was a narc because that would get pounced on but basically I think that's exactly the situation
    Last edited by GlasweJen; 01-03-2017 at 9:49 AM.
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    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Mar 17, 9:37 AM
    • 17,625 Posts
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    Pollycat
    • #4
    • 1st Mar 17, 9:37 AM
    • #4
    • 1st Mar 17, 9:37 AM
    Thanks, I didn't want to say I thought mum was a narc because that would get pounced on but basically I think that's exactly the situation
    Originally posted by GlasweJen
    I don't think you'd get pounced on at all - or at least I'd hope you wouldn't.

    So many stories of selfish Mothers, it's so sad.

    A friend of mine cares for her Mother and she's (the Mother) so evil.
    But these people are so charismatic in front of other people.
    She only shows her true face to the people who are closest to her, ironically the people she should be showing love to.

    I hope you manage to get this sorted.
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 1st Mar 17, 9:42 AM
    • 6,852 Posts
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    PeacefulWaters
    • #5
    • 1st Mar 17, 9:42 AM
    • #5
    • 1st Mar 17, 9:42 AM
    Ah, so my narcissistic ex-wife's influence over my step daughter is why I was seated in the darkest corner of the room that day on the "who the hell are these misfits?" table!
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 1st Mar 17, 9:56 AM
    • 6,228 Posts
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    GlasweJen
    • #6
    • 1st Mar 17, 9:56 AM
    • #6
    • 1st Mar 17, 9:56 AM
    I don't think you'd get pounced on at all - or at least I'd hope you wouldn't.

    So many stories of selfish Mothers, it's so sad.

    A friend of mine cares for her Mother and she's (the Mother) so evil.
    But these people are so charismatic in front of other people.
    She only shows her true face to the people who are closest to her, ironically the people she should be showing love to.

    I hope you manage to get this sorted.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I've seen threads where someone's mentioned a narcissistic mum being derailed by the "don't label without a doctor" brigade and really can't be bothered with those responses. I think my younger sister is golden child, brother was the black sheep until she sent him away and then it was me (he went away before I started primary).

    She's doing everything she can to sabotage my day from wearing a high street dress (her outfits for my sisters weddings were all north of £1K), wearing my bridesmaid colours for her accessories and complaining that the hotel charges for breakfast with the room rate she booked. Between her and my mother in law (who is just a bit mother of the groom-zilla and a control freak and has chilled a bit since we started paying final bills) I'm surprised I've not had a nervous breakdown.
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    • fairy lights
    • By fairy lights 1st Mar 17, 10:03 AM
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    fairy lights
    • #7
    • 1st Mar 17, 10:03 AM
    • #7
    • 1st Mar 17, 10:03 AM
    If you've got these cousins on Facebook, I would message them directly and tell them you're really sorry, but you've spoken to the venue and they can't fit any more people in for the day at this late stage, but that they're more than welcome to come to the evening do.
    If it's too difficult to confront your mum or she won't accept that you can't afford to add them in to your wedding, you can tell her that the venue has said no too.
    • Artytarty
    • By Artytarty 1st Mar 17, 10:09 AM
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    Artytarty
    • #8
    • 1st Mar 17, 10:09 AM
    • #8
    • 1st Mar 17, 10:09 AM
    Yep she does sound difficult!
    BUt...I think you are maybe just suffering from pre wedding stress the way many of us do and it seems like everything she's doing is designed to thwart you in some manner. Perhaps it isn't though?
    Maybe she chose your bridesmaids colours for her accessories so she would look cocordinated with the wedding party? Where's the problem with that? Or grumbling about the breakfast.
    I think the way she has treated you with less esteem than your siblings is really eating away at you and you're looking for more evidence.
    Re the cousins mind you- out of order. I agree with the poster who said either she pays or you uninvite them.
    Norn Iron Club member 473
    • Out, Vile Jelly
    • By Out, Vile Jelly 1st Mar 17, 10:15 AM
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    Out, Vile Jelly
    • #9
    • 1st Mar 17, 10:15 AM
    • #9
    • 1st Mar 17, 10:15 AM
    To be honest, with all this ongoing family drama, I'm surprised you didn't have a quiet registry office wedding with just two witnesses and then arrange a knees-up in a pub or suchlike later to keep costs and hassle down.

    There is an awful lot going on here, and I think you have to separate out the important stuff:

    Important
    Logistics ie do you have the budget/space for last minute guests that you aren't even close to? Do you care if you offend your mum's cousins? Are you and your husband going to agree a strategy with dealing with your difficult mother going forward as a partnership? How much contact do you actually want with your family?

    Unimportant Stuff
    Pettiness ie the cost of your mother's dress (seriously, who will know or care?!).

    Table plans seem to be important to the bride and maybe the odd annoying relative. I would be pushed to name who I sat with at various weddings over the years. If people are still bearing grudges about who they sat near at Cousin Bev's wedding in 1998, do you seriously want these people in your lives?!

    Family finances are tricky; I know otherwise very happy families where there is underlying resentment about house deposits/wedding cash given to one sibling but not another. It's very common, and frankly there's not much you can do about it.

    I really hope you can relax and enjoy the day; it's not a competition with anyone else's wedding, or about past family dramas; it's just supposed to be you and your partner pledging your future together.
    They are an EYESORES!!!!
    • suejb2
    • By suejb2 1st Mar 17, 10:16 AM
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    suejb2
    Wedding
    You say she has always painted you as the problem child, my advice is to become that problem child. You haven't got the space for the second cousins don't accommodate them, they didn't reply so literally their names aren't on the list they're not coming in!
    Life is like a bath, the longer you are in it the more wrinkly you become.
    • tea lover
    • By tea lover 1st Mar 17, 10:17 AM
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    tea lover
    Honestly, I'd be more annoyed at my OH than my mum in this scenario! She sounds like a nightmare, but one you know about and knew how to manage (ie. leave her out of it). But thanks to your OH not backing you up you now have the potential of multiple people you weren't expecting turning up on the day and expecting to be fed.

    I'd be fuming - with him.

    ETA: how does the price of her dress sabotage your wedding??
    Last edited by tea lover; 01-03-2017 at 10:19 AM.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 1st Mar 17, 10:19 AM
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    onomatopoeia99
    I don't think wearing a dress that isn't haute couture quite counts as an act of sabotage. You must move in very different financial circles from me, one of my friends married in a dress that came from the high street (Monsoon) and she looked utterly gorgeous in it.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
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    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 1st Mar 17, 10:22 AM
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    lika_86
    She's doing everything she can to sabotage my day from wearing a high street dress (her outfits for my sisters weddings were all north of £1K), wearing my bridesmaid colours for her accessories and complaining that the hotel charges for breakfast with the room rate she booked. Between her and my mother in law (who is just a bit mother of the groom-zilla and a control freak and has chilled a bit since we started paying final bills) I'm surprised I've not had a nervous breakdown.
    Originally posted by GlasweJen
    I think you need to take a step back from it all to be honest. How is wearing a high street dress sabotaging your wedding?! Same with wearing the bridesmaid colours as accessories, as the poster above said, she's probably trying to blend with the wedding party, nothing wrong with this. As long as she doesn't turn up in a big white tulle dress then I don't see how what she wears is sabotaging your day in any way.

    If she'd had no financial input then you might be right to tell her to just bog off but as it is, a third of your wedding budget has been provided by her and so she probably had an expectation your cousins would be there and even if you didn't want to pay for them, she in a way has.

    There's little you can do now if numbers are finalised short of apologising directly to your cousins that they cannot attend the wedding breakfast and ask them to the evening do. Perhaps suggest that at some point you all go out for Sunday lunch or something at a later date instead (you don't have to ever necessarily follow up on this).
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 1st Mar 17, 10:31 AM
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    suki1964
    Jen, I think we have the same mother

    It's hard, it's so very very hard

    I'm 53 now and I still find it hard to stand up to her. DH has finally realised what's she's like so no longer is on my back about my total indifference to her

    When we got married, I never even invited her, she just booked a hotel and turned up lololol

    You have got to find the strength to say to her, her mess, she sorts it or you will by rescinding the invite

    Don't stress about OH, he's probably thinking getting her involved it what should be done because that's what mums do. He will eventually come to have his eyes opened but only in his own time. Seriously the rows me and DH had over mother are unbelievable because he just couldn't believe what I would tell him. His relationship with his mother was wonderful. His first MIL was fantastic, he just never knew mothers came like ours
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 1st Mar 17, 11:05 AM
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    GlasweJen
    I don't really care what she wears but she is telling everyone that she doesn't feel part of the wedding and that she doesn't like the dress she's chosen and all the rest of it.

    She told the family that I had a fight with my younger sister over the wedding when we just had a normal sister chat about it. Even my sister was surprised to hear about this fight we supposedly had.

    I've finally got a reply back that she now wants to come over to my house tomorrow (must be serious as she never comes to mine any more) to talk about "the whole wedding". With only days to go there's really nothing to talk about, I can't change anything so close to the wedding. I'm feeling so anxious about this meeting I don't know what to do. I'm considering asking dad or my grandad (her dad) to have a word with her. The whole thing has been a nonsense from start to finish; I literally told her 9 times what we were going with floral - she constantly denied that I'd told her and made the same remark every time "oh paper flowers will look like chip shop scraps". Shes complained that she's not seen my cake, well neither have I as it doesn't exist yet and it exists only in the bakers imagination. She's complained that she isn't included then changes the subject or plays with her phone every time my wedding is mentioned and now that we are down to single figure days to go she wants to change things to suit cousins that no one has spoken to since the last time they turned up to a wedding.

    I've texted my other half and told him about the message and said I'm not coping. We're both at work, thankfully I'm on admin this morning but I don't want to deal with her. I have my therapist call at 8 tomorrow, she doesn't know I've been in counselling for a year and I didn't really want her to know.

    It's all a mess, I wanted to get married abroad and had the whole thing planned but was put under huge pressure from both sides to have a wedding at home and have had the pressure heaped on me ever since.

    I just want to cry.

    In terms of keeping in touch, if they do divorce I'd probably
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    • ariba10
    • By ariba10 1st Mar 17, 11:20 AM
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    ariba10
    I am a Male and I hate Wedding receptions. ( With a passion)
    I used to be indecisive but now I am not sure.
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 1st Mar 17, 11:20 AM
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    heartbreak_star
    I think you've been brilliant so far. If it were me, I'd be screaming in her face that it's MY EFFING WEDDING and withdrawing her invite.

    But I do have a bit of a temper...

    HBS x
    I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.

    #JC4PM
    • emmatthews
    • By emmatthews 1st Mar 17, 11:32 AM
    • 650 Posts
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    emmatthews
    Tell her not to come over as there is nothing to discuss. Everything is finalised, no changes can be made and you just want to relax for a couple of days before the day itself.

    I hope you have a fantastic day.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Mar 17, 11:38 AM
    • 17,625 Posts
    • 44,863 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Glaswejen
    What have you decided to do about the extra guests?

    Unless you need to discuss this with your Mother i.e. is she going to pay for their food? I'd do as emmatthews suggests and tell her there is nothing to discuss, you are busy tomorrow anyway and you'll see her on the day of the wedding.

    You really have to put on your big girl pants and stop this right now - before it ruins your special day and makes you ill.

    Failing that, give me and heartbreak_star your address and we'll come over and put her straight.
    And trust me, it won't be pretty - but she will get the message.
    Last edited by Pollycat; 01-03-2017 at 11:40 AM.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 1st Mar 17, 11:48 AM
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    Mojisola
    You really have to put on your big girl pants and stop this right now - before it ruins your special day and makes you ill.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    And the same with your OH - he knows the problems you have with your mother - what possessed him to pressurise you into involving her with the seating plan at this late stage?
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