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  • FIRST POST
    • MSE Megan F
    • By MSE Megan F 8th Dec 16, 3:13 PM
    • 56Posts
    • 25Thanks
    MSE Megan F
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I say it's your turn to pay for Christmas dinner?
    • #1
    • 8th Dec 16, 3:13 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I say it's your turn to pay for Christmas dinner? 8th Dec 16 at 3:13 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    For the past few years we've had the family round to ours for Christmas dinner, and paid for most of the food and drink. We've been invited to my sister's this year, but now they suddenly want a kitty for us all to chip in, should I say something?

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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    Last edited by MSE Megan F; 19-12-2016 at 3:17 PM.

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Page 1
    • 7roland8
    • By 7roland8 14th Dec 16, 12:07 AM
    • 3,533 Posts
    • 6,800 Thanks
    7roland8
    • #2
    • 14th Dec 16, 12:07 AM
    • #2
    • 14th Dec 16, 12:07 AM
    Have they said how much? Just contribute a ittle and then ask for a contribution if they are with you next year
    Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. -- Sally Koch
    • scotsbob
    • By scotsbob 14th Dec 16, 12:22 AM
    • 4,463 Posts
    • 6,956 Thanks
    scotsbob
    • #3
    • 14th Dec 16, 12:22 AM
    • #3
    • 14th Dec 16, 12:22 AM
    Some members of my family would struggle financially to host a family meal, other members wouldn't.


    I'm sure you are not the type of person who calculates the value of every gift received in order to return one of the same value. Therefore I think you should contribute if you were asked to.


    .
    • an1179
    • By an1179 14th Dec 16, 6:48 AM
    • 1,649 Posts
    • 16,156 Thanks
    an1179
    • #4
    • 14th Dec 16, 6:48 AM
    • #4
    • 14th Dec 16, 6:48 AM
    It depends on their circumstances but I would have thought that they would make you an exeption due to your previous years' of hosting Christmas. If they are hard up perhaps bring your own drinks
    • Sean Burn
    • By Sean Burn 14th Dec 16, 7:30 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Sean Burn
    • #5
    • 14th Dec 16, 7:30 AM
    Liberty
    • #5
    • 14th Dec 16, 7:30 AM
    Damn right you should tell them to pay, too many takers in this world. If there are legit circumstances then let them explain then you have a chance to negotiate, but if you set a precedent by chipping in...it will always be there.
    • grahamb
    • By grahamb 14th Dec 16, 7:58 AM
    • 12 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    grahamb
    • #6
    • 14th Dec 16, 7:58 AM
    Too right
    • #6
    • 14th Dec 16, 7:58 AM
    Too right you remind them you have paid the lot before! I have a similar problem with my sister in law who has run to us at Xmas for years. Last year we were invited to hers but were asked to provide the turkey and desert. She`s coming back this year but my wife will not let me ask her (tell her) to provide something - plus sis in law has asked if we can pick her up and drive her home!

    Beat that!
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 14th Dec 16, 8:34 AM
    • 21,509 Posts
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    pollypenny
    • #7
    • 14th Dec 16, 8:34 AM
    • #7
    • 14th Dec 16, 8:34 AM
    Just remind them, very gently, that you have hosted Christmas for X years.
    Certainly take drinks.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 14th Dec 16, 8:58 AM
    • 16,978 Posts
    • 41,260 Thanks
    Pollycat
    • #8
    • 14th Dec 16, 8:58 AM
    • #8
    • 14th Dec 16, 8:58 AM
    Wouldn't it be really helpful if the original post told us something about family finances - whether the 'OP''s family is better off than the sister who is hosting this year?

    All things being equal, I'd point out that my family had hosted - and mainly funded - previous Christmas dinners so it seems a bit unfair to be asked to chip in this year.

    However, depending on the dynamics of the family, this may cause a huge rift so might be better just sucking it up and paying up.

    But this would then set a precedent for future years where all guests chuck some money into a kitty.
    • happyinflorida
    • By happyinflorida 14th Dec 16, 9:03 AM
    • 624 Posts
    • 536 Thanks
    happyinflorida
    • #9
    • 14th Dec 16, 9:03 AM
    • #9
    • 14th Dec 16, 9:03 AM
    Grrrrr - again more info needed before being able to answer

    1 is your sister financially not able to pay for all of you
    2 has she explained why she's asking for money to be paid, ie are they buying more expensive things for everyone?

    If she's financially the same as you are and you've paid for years, then you should explain to her why you are unhappy about her request

    Talk

    Talk to the people concerned, not us
    • Holygrail
    • By Holygrail 14th Dec 16, 9:59 AM
    • 10 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Holygrail
    Agree with all the above. Only thing I would add to the post from happyinflo is that sometimes it is good to get non-interested parties opinions. They can add insights which the OP of a dilemma may not have thought of.
    • VfM4meplse
    • By VfM4meplse 14th Dec 16, 10:16 AM
    • 22,353 Posts
    • 45,932 Thanks
    VfM4meplse
    For the past few years we've had the family round to ours for Christmas dinner, and paid for most of the food and drink. We've been invited to my sister's this year, but now they suddenly want a kitty for us all to chip in, should I say something?
    Originally posted by MSE Megan F
    I find monetising the event in this way the height of bad taste.

    If the host had any sense she'd make it a planned "bring a dish" event which would save her on the prep too.
    Value-for-money-for-me-puhleeze!

    "No man is worth, crawling on the earth"- adapted from Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio

    Hope is not a strategy ...A child is for life, not just 18 years....Don't get me started on the NHS, because you won't win...If in doubt, don't pull out... I love chaz-ing!
    • Oakie
    • By Oakie 14th Dec 16, 10:55 AM
    • 72 Posts
    • 143 Thanks
    Oakie
    I would say 'Great idea about the kitty,I'll do that next year for Xmas'
    And then wait for the reaction...
    • crmism
    • By crmism 14th Dec 16, 11:21 AM
    • 56 Posts
    • 29 Thanks
    crmism
    Christmas
    If she is playing host, she needs to understand what that means. It definitely doesn't involve dividing the costs of food, drink etc among the participants, which might be excusable among friends who know and understand each other well enough and, in a pub, say, run a kitty where the costs of drinks are shared reasonably fairly.

    A host, though, always appreciates if guests contribute something towards the day, in much the same way that a party invitation includes the bringing of a bottle of plonk to keep the celebrations going.

    On this occasion, and rather than fork out money, I think your safest course is to tell your sister what you'll bring along, so that she doesn't need to think about buying or cooking them herself. Take what you think is appropriate and fair, but don't go overboard.

    The last thing you'll want to happen is for the family to fall out over this. Best of luck.
    • Jibeddy
    • By Jibeddy 14th Dec 16, 11:23 AM
    • 41 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Jibeddy
    Pay the money, but make some outlandish requests for very specific hard to find drinks, organic foods only or specific seating arrangements just to make things difficult. Sometimes in life you have to just stump up to avoid any rifts, but you may as well have some fun doing it!
    • nobile
    • By nobile 14th Dec 16, 11:43 AM
    • 437 Posts
    • 43 Thanks
    nobile
    If you can't afford to host it, then don't!

    If you offer to host it, then do so with the goodness of your heart!

    I would never ask any one to contribute, neither would I be happy to contribute other than the usual bringing gifts, drinks or a dish or 2.

    Your sister has messed this one up!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 14th Dec 16, 11:53 AM
    • 16,978 Posts
    • 41,260 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Pay the money, but make some outlandish requests for very specific hard to find drinks, organic foods only or specific seating arrangements just to make things difficult. Sometimes in life you have to just stump up to avoid any rifts, but you may as well have some fun doing it!
    Originally posted by Jibeddy
    A particularly vindictive and childish suggestion imho.
    • Tureenduve
    • By Tureenduve 14th Dec 16, 12:22 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Tureenduve
    Some people have the cheek!!
    I totally agree with you about charging her as well. Christmas time always brings the worst out of some people and the very best in others. I think you are just going to have to bite the bullet on this one, don't let it get to you, just enjoy ŷour day. 🤐
    • jmwillow
    • By jmwillow 14th Dec 16, 1:04 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    jmwillow
    I host our family Christmas dinner every year. Not everyone attends but those who wish to are welcome. I wouldn't dream of asking for donations as I just enjoy having my family round me. That said my sister who always spends Christmas with me brings bubbly, chocs, crackers and a happy face. If you can't afford to host it then you should let someone else do it and not ask for money. Don't fall out over it though no matter how annoying it is.
    • yellowsunflower
    • By yellowsunflower 14th Dec 16, 1:38 PM
    • 5 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    yellowsunflower
    I think I would be grateful for the family company as a guest or host, you are actually very lucky. Just enjoy it however you work it out.
    • skintscot
    • By skintscot 14th Dec 16, 2:28 PM
    • 37 Posts
    • 32 Thanks
    skintscot
    Maybe depends on your relative circumstances
    Maybe. If you are much better off than them then I'd chip in and say nothing, after all you're still avoiding all the work of hosting Xmas. If you're in roughly the same position financially then I don't see why they should eat free at yours and you should chip in to eat at theirs.

    Maybe they feel it's their turn but can't really afford it?

    Having said all that, I'm often hosted by relatives at Xmas and always take a new board game/wine/posh desserts so I'm making some contribution.
    if i had known then what i know now
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