Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Former MSE Wendy
    • By Former MSE Wendy 10th Nov 08, 1:50 PM
    • 868Posts
    • 1,782Thanks
    Former MSE Wendy
    Free guide from Refuge for women experiencing domestic violence
    • #1
    • 10th Nov 08, 1:50 PM
    Free guide from Refuge for women experiencing domestic violence 10th Nov 08 at 1:50 PM
    What this is all about?

    Refuge, the domestic violence charity, has produced a free new guide called 'You Can Afford To Leave' to help women experiencing domestic violence or abuse take control of their finances.

    It's designed to cover all the basics, from benefits and basic budgeting to setting up a bank account and what to do about joint debts (mortgages etc). It’s aim is to help women who feel trapped with an abuser, but also to help those who have left and need help getting their finances sorted.

    How to get the guide

    The 35 page guide is available to download from the Refuge website (you'll need Adobe Acrobat to open it) or it can also send hard copies to women or to people who might come across women seeking help if you call 020 7395 7731 or send an email.

    Why has Refuge produced the guide?

    It's research has shown that domestic violence often involves economic abuse as well as physical, sexual and emotional abuse and that many women stay with abusive men because they are worried about the financial consequences of leaving and are unaware of the options that are available to them. Economic abuse can include taking the woman’s money, not allowing her to work, strictly limiting what she’s allowed to spend or, really commonly, placing debt in her name to trap her in the relationship.

    Refuge says that one in four women experience abuse at some point in their lives. If this affects you or anyone you know, check out or pass on the guide.

    Also read our 5 minute Benefits Check Up & Debt Help Guide.

    This Forum Tip was included in MoneySavingExpert's weekly email

    Don't miss out on new deals, loopholes, and vouchers

    Last edited by Former MSE Wendy; 12-11-2008 at 3:00 PM.
Page 3
    • Violetta
    • By Violetta 8th Jul 11, 11:06 AM
    • 3,501 Posts
    • 5,293 Thanks
    Violetta
    its nice that they help women but surely its slightly sexist of them only realising the guide to women about abusive male partners us men can be on the receiving end of domestic abuse too from female partners when will people realise that
    Originally posted by jamespir
    The 2nd post has info & link's to Mankind
    who do offer help & support to male victim's of DV. This page has Link's to other organisation's that may be able to help too.
    Thank you for posting this information, Wendy, but please let's not fall into the trap of assuming that all victims of domestic abuse are female, and all perpetrators male. While the British Crime Survey statistics you quote do indeed assert that one in four women will be a victim at some point in her life, the same research also suggests that one in six men will be a victim. The real figure may be even higher: while it's never easy for a woman to admit that she is a victim, social pressures often make it much, much more difficult for a man to admit to the same. One only has to look at the way the tabloids handled the alleged assaults on EastEnders' on-screen "hard-men" a couple of years ago to see how men can be vilified for "allowing" themselves to be at the receiving end of such abuse.
    I shan't quote a whole load of statistics here but for those interested, ManKind offers a really useful resource on this doubly hidden problem: their website can be found here and their page of statistics is here. As it says, there are fewer than 10 safe refuge places for men in the whole of the United Kingdom: in addition, men may feel unable to leave abusive relationships for financial reasons, because they fear they will not be permitted to maintain contact with their children, or because they fear for the safety of any children they leave behind.
    It's a horrible, terrifyingly disempowering situation for anybody to find themselves in and I'm sure moneysavingexpert will welcome this opportunity to redress the balance by offering support and information to anyone in such a situation - regardless of their gender.
    Originally posted by dom kaos
    Last edited by Violetta; 08-07-2011 at 11:09 AM.
    Booo!!!
    • yoni_one
    • By yoni_one 8th Jul 11, 5:44 PM
    • 579 Posts
    • 1,288 Thanks
    yoni_one
    its nice that they help women but surely its slightly sexist of them only realising the guide to women about abusive male partners us men can be on the receiving end of domestic abuse too from female partners when will people realise that
    Originally posted by jamespir
    James, it is realised and there is support, the support line number for men is in my signature.
    Domestic Violence and Abuse 24hr freephone helpline for FEMALE TARGETS - 0808 2000 247.

    For MALE TARGETS - 0808 801 0327.

    Free legal advice on WOMEN'S RIGHTS - 020 7251 6577.
    PM me for further support / links to websites.
  • bellodharma
    this guide is a real help for women who are in a serious and violent situation. never been in one but i want to know if having a husband who's a philanderer is considered as a domestic violence issue? one of my relatives is having this situation.

    she wants out of the marriage although he's not violent and provides for the children, she's concerned that her boys (children) will follow the steps of their father. is she eligible for the help this guide is saying?
    work to live or live to work?
  • jonesmiyh2011
    Trust And Society
    how to manage/be able to afford to leave a controlled relationship from the financial point of view. It is scary enough for many people just to think about splitting up, especially when children are involved.
    • jet77
    • By jet77 8th Feb 12, 9:50 PM
    • 1,580 Posts
    • 7,687 Thanks
    jet77
    Thank you for posting this x
    • Butterflymind
    • By Butterflymind 27th Mar 12, 2:06 PM
    • 145 Posts
    • 464 Thanks
    Butterflymind
    Is this abuse?
    Dear mse'ers

    I apologise if I am not posting this in the right place. Please re-direct if not...

    I have been going through a lot of bad things recently, but, in my introductory counselling session, a therapist shocked me by saying I was being abused by my husband.

    I feel weird, bewildered, all sorts of things, but, although some things rang a bell with me, I thought I was far from being a beaten wife... She pointed out it was emotional abuse, and could I recognise it as such. I couldn't get my head round it.

    However, this weekend, on another downer. I had worked hard on cleaning and laundering this week, and felt I was coming more out of depression, but, because I made mistakes with shopping (i bought dvd's we already had, and didn't spot that some things had gone off), my husband said that he would have to organise and do the shopping instead. I felt really upset. I felt a total failure and really low. Found myself binge eating chocolate and had horrible nights sleep.

    I also thought back to start of depression and struggled all day to even write a shopping list - why didn't he help me then? And this lead to other thoughts. Why didn't he take responsibility for all the drugs in the house when I asked him to? After I told him I wanted to over-dose? And why did he also make a point of 'accidentally' showing me an unknown woman's name on his mobile, claim it was an office girl, when we both know who works at his place (small firm), so I felt utterly worthless, unloveable, etc...

    Confused. He's being so nice to me that I feel a real bad person for even typing this. Yet then I also think about getting our rescue dog - to cheer up my situation, and how he reacted (because I said I needed to use ladies, he fired up and said he wasn't going to stand in reception waiting for me, I was to go first, hand in adoption form, then fetch him from car. He waited till I was at the boot before he got out, it was humiliating, but, I thought if I didn't do as he asked he would change his mind, ad I couldn't get our dog).

    Yet he is good in so many ways, helps with housework, doesn't smoke, womanise, spend all night in pubs, etc. Wants to be there 24/7, etc. My head is all over the place right now and I am feeling scared of doing anything. I am losing my job (redundancy)., he has pressured me to have a joint account together (we had separate ones when we split before because of his jealousy). I don't know whether I am coming or going....

    Feel like I am imagining it all, as have talked to work colleagues in past, but, when they meet him, he is shy, polite, charming, no-one ever sees how he can be at times. He now even denies he was ever jealous, even though we went to Relate about this? Am I going mad?

    BM
    Last edited by Butterflymind; 27-03-2012 at 2:23 PM. Reason: title
    Now MF (thanks in part to following advice from MSE - cheers!)

    DDCF: £225 Little acorns...

    • Jox
    • By Jox 27th Mar 12, 4:40 PM
    • 1,269 Posts
    • 2,688 Thanks
    Jox
    Sounds like mental abuse, as destructive as physical abuse.
    • Butterflymind
    • By Butterflymind 28th Mar 12, 3:31 PM
    • 145 Posts
    • 464 Thanks
    Butterflymind
    Just to say, thank you Jox, I am now rambling on under a separate thread: 'Is this abuse?'

    BM
    Now MF (thanks in part to following advice from MSE - cheers!)

    DDCF: £225 Little acorns...

  • MOTHEROF4
    Help with changing locks
    Hi, can any one help, iv just won an occupation order form the court, to have my x husband leave our house because of domestic violence towards me and my girls, he has to leave by 4.pm on Wednesday next week, can I get any help with changing the door locks of my home to make it more secure I'm on benefits and have 3 girls. Thanks
    • amyloofoo
    • By amyloofoo 12th Jul 12, 6:45 AM
    • 1,658 Posts
    • 9,467 Thanks
    amyloofoo
    Hi, can any one help, iv just won an occupation order form the court, to have my x husband leave our house because of domestic violence towards me and my girls, he has to leave by 4.pm on Wednesday next week, can I get any help with changing the door locks of my home to make it more secure I'm on benefits and have 3 girls. Thanks
    Originally posted by MOTHEROF4
    Hi Motherof4,

    It might be a good idea to start a new thread for your issues, as people are unlikely to be able to notice / help if it's just tagged on here. Do you own your own home, is it privately rented or HA / Council? If it's the latter then they would be your first port of call to help.
    • SmarterNotHarder
    • By SmarterNotHarder 20th May 13, 9:24 PM
    • 210 Posts
    • 1,348 Thanks
    SmarterNotHarder
    http://refuge.org.uk/about-us/campaigns/early-warning-signs/
  • Leslie999
    Dear mse'ers

    I apologise if I am not posting this in the right place. Please re-direct if not...

    I have been going through a lot of bad things recently, but, in my introductory counselling session, a therapist shocked me by saying I was being abused by my husband.

    I feel weird, bewildered, all sorts of things, but, although some things rang a bell with me, I thought I was far from being a beaten wife... She pointed out it was emotional abuse, and could I recognise it as such. I couldn't get my head round it.

    However, this weekend, on another downer. I had worked hard on cleaning and laundering this week, and felt I was coming more out of depression, but, because I made mistakes with shopping (i bought dvd's we already had, and didn't spot that some things had gone off), my husband said that he would have to organise and do the shopping instead. I felt really upset. I felt a total failure and really low. Found myself binge eating chocolate and had horrible nights sleep.

    I also thought back to start of depression and struggled all day to even write a shopping list - why didn't he help me then? And this lead to other thoughts. Why didn't he take responsibility for all the drugs in the house when I asked him to? After I told him I wanted to over-dose? And why did he also make a point of 'accidentally' showing me an unknown woman's name on his mobile, claim it was an office girl, when we both know who works at his place (small firm), so I felt utterly worthless, unloveable, etc...

    Confused. He's being so nice to me that I feel a real bad person for even typing this. Yet then I also think about getting our rescue dog - to cheer up my situation, and how he reacted (because I said I needed to use ladies, he fired up and said he wasn't going to stand in reception waiting for me, I was to go first, hand in adoption form, then fetch him from car. He waited till I was at the boot before he got out, it was humiliating, but, I thought if I didn't do as he asked he would change his mind, ad I couldn't get our dog).

    Yet he is good in so many ways, helps with housework, doesn't smoke, womanise, spend all night in pubs, etc. Wants to be there 24/7, etc. My head is all over the place right now and I am feeling scared of doing anything. I am losing my job (redundancy)., he has pressured me to have a joint account together (we had separate ones when we split before because of his jealousy). I don't know whether I am coming or going....

    Feel like I am imagining it all, as have talked to work colleagues in past, but, when they meet him, he is shy, polite, charming, no-one ever sees how he can be at times. He now even denies he was ever jealous, even though we went to Relate about this? Am I going mad?

    BM
    Originally posted by Butterflymind
    It's part of the game 'be nice to you when you are strong', to create doubts. In doubting you become weaker and the abuse will start again.
    Google ' signs of an abuser' mental and emotional abuse can be more subtle, yet more devastating.
    Take care ...
    You deserve to be loved - even to be allowed to love yourself.

    Depression - is your body and mind's way of telling you your needs are not being met.
    It's your responsibility to get your needs met - start looking in the right places for it first. Clue - it's not him....:
    Well done for going to therapy !!!
    First step ...
  • LeeLoo
    I know of someone who was experiencing domestic violence. They were in the UK on a work permit and the only options they had were to either go back to their country or to put up with it.

    They were not allowed a place in a shelter as they had 'no recourse to public funds'. They could not afford the deposit on a new place for herself and the children as the husband controlled the money even though she worked in a professional job. A year after approaching the shelters she had squirreled away enough for a deposit and could move out.
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 15th Nov 13, 10:12 PM
    • 14,875 Posts
    • 10,657 Thanks
    hollydays
    I know of someone who was experiencing domestic violence. They were in the UK on a work permit and the only options they had were to either go back to their country or to put up with it.

    They were not allowed a place in a shelter as they had 'no recourse to public funds'. They could not afford the deposit on a new place for herself and the children as the husband controlled the money even though she worked in a professional job. A year after approaching the shelters she had squirreled away enough for a deposit and could move out.
    Originally posted by LeeLoo
    Awful .................................
    • terra_ferma
    • By terra_ferma 7th Feb 14, 10:47 PM
    • 5,450 Posts
    • 5,287 Thanks
    terra_ferma
    Domestic violence is not 50/50, you are not well informed.
    The day deaths and serious injuries due to domestic violence are 50/50 then we can say it's a problem that effects men and women equally.
    Last edited by MSE ForumTeam3; 08-02-2014 at 12:19 PM. Reason: Quoting deleted post
  • Toucan_Pecan
    Non-Battering or Low-Battering Abuse

    With rare exceptions, primary aggressors try to avoid anything like traditionally-defined violence, which in these pages is referred to as battering. Survivors understandably share this goal, and overwhelmingly, they back down and submit if the primary aggressor escalates.

    For this reason, a low battering abusive relationship is usually a testament to survivor resourcefulness, not an indication of respect and freedom. A relationship with no or little battering is the rule not the exception in domestic abuse, and that is true as well even for abusive relationships that eventually end in murder. Low battering alone is not a sign of low lethality.

    There is also a common pattern of abuse termed 'water-torture.' With this, a highly self-controlled primary aggressor keeps up a steady drip of small but demeaning and crazy-making power behaviors at low volume. Often it is the survivor that loses composure and acts out. The primary aggressor than believes he can either 'restrain' the survivor quite harshly, 'in self-defense', or claim that the survivor is the aggressor, and the only one who is hitting (which is only superficially true).

    The statement " I never touched her..." is rarely absolutely true. However, it does accurately reflect a secondary goal of most primary aggressors to never use battering. But also the statement "I never touched her..." is not central to the intervention in domestic abuse. Who is battering whom is important, but even more important, is who is controlling or limiting whom, because it is that that drives escalation and ultimate lethality.

    http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html
    Last edited by Toucan_Pecan; 01-05-2014 at 3:20 PM.
  • somyagilberts
    Thanks for the post!!Hopefully this information will prove helpful.
  • Toucan_Pecan
    Is it really abuse?  
    The defining point of abuse is when the man starts to exercise
    power over the woman in a way that causes harm to her
    and privileged status for him” (p. 124).

    I recommend that you read through if you are wondering "Is it really abuse?"

    http://www.the-ripple-effect.info/pdf/isitreallyabuse.pdf
  • Toucan_Pecan
    AVOIDING PEOPLE WHEN YOU GO BACK TO HIM Today I am going to describ
    From.... http://lundybancroft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/avoiding-people-when-you-go-back-to-him.html


    Today I am going to describe a pattern that sometimes plays out with when a woman is struggling with a partner who doesn’t treat her right. If it sounds familiar, you’ll find it helpful to recognize it and not let it happen again. And if you haven’t lived this one, you can think ahead about how to make sure you never do.

    It goes like this: First, you find yourself mired in one of those periods when he is just being rotten to you day after day, and you feel like you just can’t take it anymore. You rant to some of your closest people about what a jerk he is, and they are right behind you on it. You say you’re done with him, and they cheer you on to give him the boot, helping you to plan how you’ll do it. You’re all a team.

    But over a period of days or weeks you are feeling less and less sure. The thought of ending your relationship starts to feel overwhelming, and the loss seems too great. He senses that you are leaning toward the door – or you tell him outright – and he improves his behavior some and promises to make bigger changes. The upshot is that you are going to give it another try.

    Now comes the tricky part. You’ve been bonding with loved ones about how awful he is, so how do you explain to them that you’re staying?

    And something else starts to happen, which is that the crisis of your relationship almost coming apart makes you and your partner feel closer. He’s being sweet, and you’re feeling a little resentful towards people around you for being so negative about him. You tell yourself that they don’t really understand him, or you for that matter; in fact, you feel like he’s the only person who really gets you.

    So now you and he have become a secret society, a special team together against that hostile, non-comprehending world out there. You have a deep connection with each other that they just can’t grasp.

    In short, you have two reasons to keep them all away; you are a little ashamed in front of them, but at the same time you are feeling that you and your partner are a little bit above them.

    But what is really happening is that you are growing more traumatized and more isolated. Your partner is drawing you into a traumatic bond, and leading you away from your support system. Your secret society is not a healthy place to be. It’s an illusion, and a destructive one.

    Your people love you. Don’t cut them out. Whatever you decide about how to handle your relationship, keep reaching back toward the hands that are reaching out to you.


    “I can’t ever let my partner come between me and my people. I have to see this for what it is.”
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 9th Jul 14, 6:41 PM
    • 5,355 Posts
    • 24,398 Thanks
    thorsoak
    You can do it!

    I hope it is okay to post this here - I've read it in a local paper, and thought it might give some people courage to leave a violent relationship - see http://www.echo-news.co.uk/news/11330148.Domestic_abuse_survivor_tells_her_story/?ref=var_0
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

177Posts Today

1,324Users online

Martin's Twitter