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  • FIRST POST
    • Former MSE Wendy
    • By Former MSE Wendy 10th Nov 08, 1:50 PM
    • 868Posts
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    Former MSE Wendy
    Free guide from Refuge for women experiencing domestic violence
    • #1
    • 10th Nov 08, 1:50 PM
    Free guide from Refuge for women experiencing domestic violence 10th Nov 08 at 1:50 PM
    What this is all about?

    Refuge, the domestic violence charity, has produced a free new guide called 'You Can Afford To Leave' to help women experiencing domestic violence or abuse take control of their finances.

    It's designed to cover all the basics, from benefits and basic budgeting to setting up a bank account and what to do about joint debts (mortgages etc). It’s aim is to help women who feel trapped with an abuser, but also to help those who have left and need help getting their finances sorted.

    How to get the guide

    The 35 page guide is available to download from the Refuge website (you'll need Adobe Acrobat to open it) or it can also send hard copies to women or to people who might come across women seeking help if you call 020 7395 7731 or send an email.

    Why has Refuge produced the guide?

    It's research has shown that domestic violence often involves economic abuse as well as physical, sexual and emotional abuse and that many women stay with abusive men because they are worried about the financial consequences of leaving and are unaware of the options that are available to them. Economic abuse can include taking the woman’s money, not allowing her to work, strictly limiting what she’s allowed to spend or, really commonly, placing debt in her name to trap her in the relationship.

    Refuge says that one in four women experience abuse at some point in their lives. If this affects you or anyone you know, check out or pass on the guide.

    Also read our 5 minute Benefits Check Up & Debt Help Guide.

    This Forum Tip was included in MoneySavingExpert's weekly email

    Don't miss out on new deals, loopholes, and vouchers

    Last edited by Former MSE Wendy; 12-11-2008 at 3:00 PM.
Page 2
  • clubberaddict
    i,ve been in a dv relationship once and it took me yrs to get away, i was so happy till i met this man who was so sweet till he got me in his grasp now i,m suffering again, never will i trust anyone again this has really knocked me for six, seems like i,m not meant to be happy i guess
    • yoni_one
    • By yoni_one 25th Jul 09, 8:31 PM
    • 579 Posts
    • 1,288 Thanks
    yoni_one
    i,ve been in a dv relationship once and it took me yrs to get away, i was so happy till i met this man who was so sweet till he got me in his grasp now i,m suffering again, never will i trust anyone again this has really knocked me for six, seems like i,m not meant to be happy i guess
    Originally posted by clubberaddict
    Are you getting professional support? Please contact Womens Aid or one of the other agencies, or pm me if you like, I work for WA.

    You don't need to go through this alone, and please don't blame yourself, you have as much a right and entitlement to happiness as the rest of us and a right to live free from abuse.

    Not all men are abusive, I promise you. x
    Domestic Violence and Abuse 24hr freephone helpline for FEMALE TARGETS - 0808 2000 247.

    For MALE TARGETS - 0808 801 0327.

    Free legal advice on WOMEN'S RIGHTS - 020 7251 6577.
    PM me for further support / links to websites.
  • danyga
    I do agree that males are also victims of domestic abuse. Conditions are not same everywhere, depends on the psychology of both.
    Down Pillow and Hotel Comforter
  • laurasbump
    Domestice violence - my mum
    Sorry to hi-jack this thread but as it already has lots of people's attention (including some experts) I thought I'd ask some advice.
    My mum admitted about 2 months ago that my dad had been frequently violent toward her throughout their 35 year marriage. The last occurence was about 2 years ago when he threw a mug at her and she ended up having stitches in her head. It shook him up enough to stop for the time being. He's still very controlling and verbally abusive toward her - frequently putting her down and humiliating her infront of others. She has no control over her own finances and is quite defensive of my father saying that it's down to a violent, love-free childhood.
    I've spoken to my mum over the last year or so about putting money aside for herself as a contingency fund - I've wanted her to take action for years as I hate the way he treats her. It doesn't surprise me (but it did shock me) that he's been violent toward her too. She agrees that it's a good idea but never acts. She wouldn't admit it but I think she's intimidated if not scared of him. I don't really know what to do.
    I love my dad. He's a brilliant grandfather but I can't excuse his behavior. I don't understand how my mum can. She begged myself and my sisters not to let on to dad that we knew but if it happened again I'd have no fear confronting him.
    Anyone experienced a similar situation? What was the outcome? How can I help her?
    Mummy to DS May 08 and DD Oct 09
    Started joint IVA in Nov 09 - 13 payments down 47 to go!
    • yoni_one
    • By yoni_one 27th Jan 10, 8:25 PM
    • 579 Posts
    • 1,288 Thanks
    yoni_one
    Hi Laurasbump.

    Women's Aid offers support for targets of domestic violence abuse regardless of whether they choose to remain in the relationship and continue to live with the abuser or not, so if your mum wanted to access non-judgemental support she could contact her local Women's Aid, the directory is here - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&itemTit le=A%2DZ+of+services

    I also recommend that you (and your mum if she is interested) have a look at the Freedom Programme http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ If you click on the link to the booklet 'Living with the Dominator' you can download some sample chapters. If you find it helpful, at the very least as an awareness raising tool, you can download the entire booklet.

    Your family have lived with domestic violence and abuse throughout their marriage and so the programme may be of interest to you all. If you can attend a programme then even better, I cant tell you how much the women I work with, and their families, tell me they gain from attending.

    Lots of people choose to remain in a relationship with people they are scared of and there are many many reasons why that is so.

    Women's Aid now have a Survivors Forum where you are far more likely to get a response from people who have been or are in your position http://www.womensaid.org.uk/forums.asp?section=0001000100080020&sectionTitle=S urvivor%27s+Forum

    I hope some of these links will be of help to you, it can be very frustrating trying to get your head around why others make choices that you believe to be the wrong ones, but the Freedom Programme helps make it clearer how and why that happens.

    But ultimately, you can't make your mum do anything or access any information that she does not want to access, but what you can do is let her know it is out there, point her in the direction of where she can find it, support her in accessing it if necessary and continually let her know that you will continue to support her even if you disagree with or can't understand her choices.
    Domestic Violence and Abuse 24hr freephone helpline for FEMALE TARGETS - 0808 2000 247.

    For MALE TARGETS - 0808 801 0327.

    Free legal advice on WOMEN'S RIGHTS - 020 7251 6577.
    PM me for further support / links to websites.
  • Arg
    Yes, there are irresponsible organisations out there who claim to support male victims of DVA yet are known to have strong links with male perpetrators of DVA.
    Originally posted by yoni_one
    I thought that was an odd thing to say and it has turned up some interesting info when looked into a little further. It's funny that a patron of mankind was one of the first people to set up help for battered women but then went on to claim radical feminists latched onto victim support groups in order to push their politics and claimed she was forced to leave the country.
    Pizzey's 'mistake' was to diverge from the theory of domestic violence that feminists at the time insisted dominate all discussion. She believed that men could also be the victims of domestic violence, and that women could be as violent toward their partners as men. Pizzey's views put her on a collision course with PC feminists who, according to Pizzey's own published account of events, initiated a campaign of harassment and violence against her. Pizzey described this harassment in an article she published in the Scotsman in 1999. "Because of my opposition to the hijacking of the refuge movement, I was a target for abuse. Anywhere I spoke there was a contingent of screaming, heckling feminists waiting for me," Pizzey wrote. "Abusive telephone calls to my home, death threats and bomb scares, became a way of living for me and for my family. Finally, the bomb squad, asked me to have all my mail delivered to their head quarters." One night, the family dog was killed. Eventually, "exhausted and disillusioned," Pizzey said she went into "exile with her children and grandchildren," leaving England in 1982 to live in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
    So what's that all about then???
    • yoni_one
    • By yoni_one 20th Apr 10, 7:55 PM
    • 579 Posts
    • 1,288 Thanks
    yoni_one
    It's about what it's about.

    I don't see the link between my point throughout this thread and the quote about Erin Pizzey?
    Domestic Violence and Abuse 24hr freephone helpline for FEMALE TARGETS - 0808 2000 247.

    For MALE TARGETS - 0808 801 0327.

    Free legal advice on WOMEN'S RIGHTS - 020 7251 6577.
    PM me for further support / links to websites.
  • Hardup Hester
    Another hijacker here I'm afraid, I have a work colleague who's partner is violent & controlling, I was expecting a text from her this morning telling what time she would be arriving at work, I didn't receive a text & when she arrived I asked why. She told me she's afraid to send texts as her partner told her he has access to a 'website' that allows him to access anyones text messages, he's proved this to her by quotings parts of messages she has received. I think he's bullshi*ing her, but want to be sure of mt facts before I tell her. He claims the website is one the police use & he's been given access to it by a friend. Can anyone confirm if this is possible?
    Hester

    Never let success go to your head, never let failure go to your heart.
  • VK-2008
    i have not read too much of this thread but i have a strong opinion of it

    whether you are male or female, straight or gay, young or old, rich or poor, sick or healthy, have children or not if your partner

    hits, slaps, pushes you

    abuses you sexually

    uses you in any way you are not happy

    and emotionally - which is a biggie - get out of that relationship

    is a partner can do it once they will do it again
    and again and again

    it does not stop

    in my line of work i witness this all the time

    if you speak out you will get help and your partner need not know anything about it

    i urge you seek refuge elsewhere

    confide in someone, a family member, a friend, the police, a helpline, a colleague

    anyone is better than no one

    do not sit in silence

    and NEVER blame yourself

    it is never your fault




    GET HELP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE
    VK
  • tenkas10
    economic survival guide
    this is such a comfort to know that such a guide exists... last year when i phoned up women's aid they informed me that i could only get shelter if i left my job as obviously staying in work would put all the other residents at risk. it was really awful knowing that was my only option.

    am not in a dv relationship as such (just couple of minor incidents) but oh is addicated to alcohol, dope, call of duty and football and will steal from if i leave my wallet lying around. i have a two year old and a juvenile deliquent for a partner some days who shuts us out the lounge so that he can get on with drinking / gaming etc, This is me moaning, but i am so tired of looking at someone with red eyes / drunk face who never remembers conversations that we have had on a daily basis.

    it is very hard to leave, and i am terrified of being bancrupt etc, as i put my whole life saving, 30,000 into our property and it is hard to leave that behind, which i would have too. fear of what would happen about the mortgage also stops me so thank you for the post on freecycle and for posting the link to the survivial guide... the first feeling of hope i have had in months
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 9th Nov 10, 9:25 PM
    • 14,940 Posts
    • 10,720 Thanks
    hollydays
    .
    I think there are many women who suffer Domestic Violence (also known as DV) and I would like everyone to know that "Domestic Abuse" also comes under the "umbrella" of Domestic violence.

    This can mean Sexual control,psychological abuse,and very importantly financial abuse.

    Finanicial abuse-partners routinely will put you in debt so you are tied in to the relationship,or you support their gambling/obsession with spendin.

    So Domestic violence doesnt just mean hitting you,it can mean bullying(this word has a stigma btw) you,or psychologicaly abusing you,and the mental effects can be devastating.The type of abuse which is not physical can be far worse than the physical,and can leave you scared for your sanity.Good luck to all.xx Get out
    Last edited by hollydays; 10-11-2010 at 8:36 AM.
  • WhiteCat
    What constitutes emotional abuse?

    My OH blows hot and cold emotionally. Never touches me and has hit me a couple of times many years ago. I have financial control.

    I am scared to feel good because he will go into a silence and create an uncomfortable atmosphere or be all clingy then rant and cry when I don't respond.

    Yet when I feel low or loving, he tells me I am negative and withdraws emotionally.

    Whatever I feel, he has to create a drama and whatever mood I am in, I ultimately feel drained and/or cry.

    Of course, the end result is I feel as if it is my fault (even though I know it isn't all my fault)

    He isn't as bad as the other people on here.
    Last edited by WhiteCat; 26-02-2011 at 11:26 AM.
    I need to feel the fear and do it anyway
    • yoni_one
    • By yoni_one 26th Feb 11, 10:42 AM
    • 579 Posts
    • 1,288 Thanks
    yoni_one
    Although there are levels of severity of abuse and violence, if a partner is on that spectrum then it is not ok.

    Below is taken from The Survivors Handbook on the Womens Aid website:

    Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse. This list can help you to recognise if you, or someone you know, are in an abusive relationship.
    • Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting; mocking; accusing; name calling; verbally threatening.
    • Pressure tactics: sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnecting the telephone, taking the car away, taking the children away, or reporting you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands; threatening or attempting suicide; withholding or pressuring you to use drugs or other substances; lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
    • Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people; not listening or responding when you talk; interrupting your telephone calls; taking money from your purse without asking; refusing to help with childcare or housework.
    • Breaking trust: lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous; having other relationships; breaking promises and shared agreements.
    • Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing friends and relatives; shutting you in the house.
    • Harassment: following you; checking up on you; not allowing you any privacy (for example, opening your mail), repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you; embarrassing you in public; accompanying you everywhere you go.
    • Threats: making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun; threatening to kill or harm you and the children; threatening to kill or harm family pets; threats of suicide.
    • Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don't want it; forcing you to look at pornographic material; forcing you to have sex with other people; any degrading treatment related to your sexuality or to whether you are lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual.
    • Physical violence: punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling.
    • Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen; saying you caused the abusive behaviour; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.
    Also on this website you can access an area that helps you recognise domestic abuse: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310004

    Basically, domestic abuse is about gaining and keeping power and control over the target(s) of that abuse.

    So, if anyone regularly has to skirt around one person with whom they are in a relationship or have been in a relationship (or related to) fearful that if they don't it will result in having to deal with their negative behaviour, then they are not in an equal relationship.

    They are dealing with a person who is deliberately using abusive behaviour to attempt to control the other person in that moment.

    Switching between abusive behaviour and kindness is also recognised as a pattern used by abusers.

    The Deluth wheel of power and control is a model based on known behaviour where the victim is female and the perpetrator is male.

    http://www.theduluthmodel.org/documents/PhyVio.pdf

    In my opinion there is much more to it than this but it is good basic guide.

    I hope this helps.
    Domestic Violence and Abuse 24hr freephone helpline for FEMALE TARGETS - 0808 2000 247.

    For MALE TARGETS - 0808 801 0327.

    Free legal advice on WOMEN'S RIGHTS - 020 7251 6577.
    PM me for further support / links to websites.
    • Jox
    • By Jox 26th Feb 11, 11:02 AM
    • 1,269 Posts
    • 2,688 Thanks
    Jox
    this is such a comfort to know that such a guide exists... last year when i phoned up women's aid they informed me that i could only get shelter if i left my job as obviously staying in work would put all the other residents at risk. it was really awful knowing that was my only option.

    am not in a dv relationship as such (just couple of minor incidents) but oh is addicated to alcohol, dope, call of duty and football and will steal from if i leave my wallet lying around. i have a two year old and a juvenile deliquent for a partner some days who shuts us out the lounge so that he can get on with drinking / gaming etc, This is me moaning, but i am so tired of looking at someone with red eyes / drunk face who never remembers conversations that we have had on a daily basis.

    it is very hard to leave, and i am terrified of being bancrupt etc, as i put my whole life saving, 30,000 into our property and it is hard to leave that behind, which i would have too. fear of what would happen about the mortgage also stops me so thank you for the post on freecycle and for posting the link to the survivial guide... the first feeling of hope i have had in months
    Originally posted by tenkas10
    I just really want to say, for the sake of yourself, your sanity, your child and your future, I would say kick this man to the kerb (sorry if this is harsh - I don't know you or him), you deserve much better. You work, you have a child, you have saved 30k, I'm in awe of u already. I would say this man is not good for you and is wasting his own life and brain cells.
    Of course it is easy for others to say what to do and ultimately it is down to you to make your own decisions but make some plans and slowly but surely build a better future for you and your child xxxxx
    • rev229
    • By rev229 19th May 11, 9:12 PM
    • 1,015 Posts
    • 768 Thanks
    rev229
    Does anyone have any advice when the person causing the abuse is not a partner but a teenager. no history of any DV with me and DH. We are subjected persistant verbal and emotional abuse, me in particular. We have a disabed child who is constamtly being bullied by her teenage brother emotionally and deliberly hurting her. CAHMS and social service are involved but until DD is physically hurt they won't do anything as it is a sibling /son who is the cause of the DV. If it was my DH he would be out of the house ASAP. Impossible when its your son. I have spolen to young minds, NSPCC and parentline in the hope they could offer some advice, but nothing. Any advice would be welcome.
    • Jox
    • By Jox 20th May 11, 4:23 PM
    • 1,269 Posts
    • 2,688 Thanks
    Jox
    is there anywhere the teenager could stay for a while, a family member for example to give you a break?
    • rev229
    • By rev229 20th May 11, 7:14 PM
    • 1,015 Posts
    • 768 Thanks
    rev229
    No, DH parents are approaching 80 my mother lives too far away and would not cope with him. No other family would have him as they have own kids and work full time also don't live nearby so schooling a problem. No friends who who want to have him either! What he needs is some anger/behaviour management but won't attend CAMHs/speak to social worker unless they visit at school. DH and i attend all sorts of appointments. put all advice into action but he refuses to co-operate for more than a few days, We are not the type of parents to ignore professional advice but nothing is working. We are at the end of our tether and finding it very stressfull. If I could I would take DD and go but because of her disability I can't. And I don't want to leave DH.
    • Jox
    • By Jox 23rd May 11, 11:38 AM
    • 1,269 Posts
    • 2,688 Thanks
    Jox
    I'm sorry for your situation, I hope someone comes along with some advice that can help. Take care
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 8th Jul 11, 7:10 AM
    • 16,943 Posts
    • 41,138 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Math wizards
    Math class, xiao Ming prone on the table the bed, the maths teacher did not find out, keeps the lecture. Class is over, xiao Ming wake up, ask the math representatives sit at the same table: "I sleep how long?" Math representatives say: "you have to sleep for a lesson, about 2400 seconds, 40 minutes, two-thirds hours, one over thirty-six day, one over one thousand and eighty months, one over twelve thousand nine hundred and sixty, one over one million two hundred and ninety-six thousand century! www smbuys com
    Originally posted by qazwsx0
    However you say it matey, it's

    Reported.
    • jamespir
    • By jamespir 8th Jul 11, 7:14 AM
    • 18,728 Posts
    • 19,767 Thanks
    jamespir
    its nice that they help women but surely its slightly sexist of them only realising the guide to women about abusive male partners us men can be on the receiving end of domestic abuse too from female partners when will people realise that
    Replies to posts are always welcome, If I have made a mistake in the post, I am human, tell me nicely and it will be corrected. If your reply cannot be nice, has an underlying issue, or you believe that you are God, please post in another forum. Thank you
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