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    • trey101
    • By trey101 19th Mar 17, 4:15 AM
    • 15Posts
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    trey101
    Saw more messages between BF and ex. He told her he wants them to be together...
    • #1
    • 19th Mar 17, 4:15 AM
    Saw more messages between BF and ex. He told her he wants them to be together... 19th Mar 17 at 4:15 AM
    Hi all,

    I posted here last month and have an update to my story. I'm pretty gutted and could do with some advice.

    I'm a gay male and my boyfriend of 6 months is bisexual. He had recently left his long-term girlfriend when we got together.

    In my previous thread, I was concerned about some messages between and BF and his ex. All the advice on here was very much appreciated. Sadly I've still had insecurities and tonight I've looked at his phone while he was sleeping. (He has a passcode but I watched him enter it to find out what it was).

    My gut instincts were correct as there were many more messages between him and the ex. Just the other day he texted her saying he knows he wants them to be together but the fact he ended it and found someone else so quickly is something he could never forgive himself for, and that is the reason things are the way they are. She didn't say much, she just said she wants him to be happy. He told her he's happy with me but it wasn't that simple.

    I don't know how I was able to keep it all without telling him that I saw them. I just walked home and made up some excuse that I had a migraine, and now I'm posting on here... he's texting asking if I'm okay and I don't know how much longer I can hold it in.

    At least he didnt tell her he was miserable with me, that's something I guess. But he said he wants to be with her... I just... what am I meant to think after seeing that? Some advice would be appreciated. I don't know what to do. I love this man.
Page 1
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 19th Mar 17, 6:10 AM
    • 5,477 Posts
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    thorsoak
    • #2
    • 19th Mar 17, 6:10 AM
    • #2
    • 19th Mar 17, 6:10 AM
    Sorry Trey - I'm one of the majority who warned you about this in your previous thread.

    You asked what should you do? Walk away. Because you love someone does not mean that you can make that person love you back in the same way. Possibly he wants you both - but don't let him hurt you - or this woman - any more. Have some dignity and end things yourself.
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 19th Mar 17, 6:11 AM
    • 15,333 Posts
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    pinkshoes
    • #3
    • 19th Mar 17, 6:11 AM
    • #3
    • 19th Mar 17, 6:11 AM
    That he wants to be with her?

    Sounds to me like you are the rebound and he still misses his ex.

    you are clearly insecure and not ready for a relationship.

    move on with your life and be happy on your own before attempting another relationship.
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • 20aday
    • By 20aday 19th Mar 17, 7:02 AM
    • 2,061 Posts
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    20aday
    • #4
    • 19th Mar 17, 7:02 AM
    • #4
    • 19th Mar 17, 7:02 AM
    My advice OP? Walk away and don't look back, that's for sure.

    It sounds as if he's ended his previous relationship and moved on too quickly and rather than dealing with the issues surrounding that separation you've come along and "something is better than nothing".
    It's not your credit score that counts, it's your credit history. Any replies are my own personal opinion and not a representation of my employer.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 19th Mar 17, 7:16 AM
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    FBaby
    • #5
    • 19th Mar 17, 7:16 AM
    • #5
    • 19th Mar 17, 7:16 AM
    Just the other day he texted her saying he knows he wants them to be together but the fact he ended it and found someone else so quickly is something he could never forgive himself for, and that is the reason things are the way they are
    This doesn't much sense. It sounds to me that he is giving her signals that he is prepared to go back to her, but is waiting for her to take the initiatives of suggesting he dumps you and get back with her so he doesn't take the risk of finding himself without her or you and also this way feeling a little less guilty because he didn't make the first move.

    The reality is that you are currently being hurt by a situation you have no control over. The question you need to ask yourself is whether you are prepared to sit on the side, waiting to see what happened, being mentally tortured during that time just in case they don't get back together and therefore stays with you by default even though all the signs are there to suggest that it is just a question of time before they are back together?

    At least you would feel a bit better if you were in control of ending the relationship yourself and more likely to be able to move on quicker, however hard it is to do.
    • indiepanda
    • By indiepanda 19th Mar 17, 9:10 AM
    • 965 Posts
    • 6,439 Thanks
    indiepanda
    • #6
    • 19th Mar 17, 9:10 AM
    • #6
    • 19th Mar 17, 9:10 AM
    That he wants to be with her?

    Sounds to me like you are the rebound and he still misses his ex.

    you are clearly insecure and not ready for a relationship.

    move on with your life and be happy on your own before attempting another relationship.
    Originally posted by pinkshoes
    Seems a bit harsh to suggest the OP is clearly insecure and not ready for a relationship - the fault here is predominantly in the behaviour of the boyfriend. Anyone who saw all the signs of what his boyfriend is doing and didn't feel insecure in the relationship as a result would be delusional. If he had met someone who was committed to being with him and not still hung up on his ex then I imagine he'd be feeling very different.

    To the OP, I know you love this guy and have feelings for him but my advice would be get out quick before you get any more hurt. It seems like this guy is staying with you until such time as his ex girlfriend makes it clear she's willing to forgive him for breaking up with her and getting into a new relationship. Why should he get to have his cake and eat it? Guaranteed to have someone loving him either way. What about you? You deserve someone whose heart isn't elsewhere.

    I have had to break up with someone I still loved who wasn't treating me with the same love and respect I gave them and I know how hard it can be, but I am not sorry I did it. It was a relief really, once I'd got over the initial pain.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 19th Mar 17, 10:18 AM
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    Pollycat
    • #7
    • 19th Mar 17, 10:18 AM
    • #7
    • 19th Mar 17, 10:18 AM
    Hi trey
    Really sorry you've found this out - but better now than later.
    Just the other day he texted her saying he knows he wants them to be together but the fact he ended it and found someone else so quickly is something he could never forgive himself for, and that is the reason things are the way they are. She didn't say much, she just said she wants him to be happy. He told her he's happy with me but it wasn't that simple.
    Originally posted by trey101
    That's a contradiction in my eyes.

    How can he be happy with you if he's telling someone else he wants to be with them?

    He's either lying to you, her or both of you.
    And you both deserve better.

    I'd confront him and be prepared for declarations of undying love etc.
    But ask yourself if you can really ever trust someone who tells you he is happy with you but tells someone else he wants to be with them.

    Put on your Nikes and run for the hills.
    • emsywoo123
    • By emsywoo123 19th Mar 17, 1:18 PM
    • 4,952 Posts
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    emsywoo123
    • #8
    • 19th Mar 17, 1:18 PM
    • #8
    • 19th Mar 17, 1:18 PM

    I have had to break up with someone I still loved who wasn't treating me with the same love and respect I gave them and I know how hard it can be, but I am not sorry I did it. It was a relief really, once I'd got over the initial pain.
    Originally posted by indiepanda
    I am in the process of doing this right now and man alive, it is incredibly hard. To walk away from someone you love, who you admire and would have given everything for.... it is a toughie.

    "We accept the love we think we deserve"... You may not believe it right now, but you *are* worth more. Worth someone loving you as you love them, and melt your insecurities away.

    I do not know if I am talking to the OP or myself anymore Stay strong, this too shall pass.
    • emmatthews
    • By emmatthews 19th Mar 17, 4:40 PM
    • 650 Posts
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    emmatthews
    • #9
    • 19th Mar 17, 4:40 PM
    • #9
    • 19th Mar 17, 4:40 PM
    I'm sorry but I think he will dump you if she gives any indication that she will take him back.

    I would end things with him now, he's not committed to you.
    • lobbyludd
    • By lobbyludd 19th Mar 17, 9:47 PM
    • 1,243 Posts
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    lobbyludd
    In many ways it doesn't matter what his inner thoughts and motivations are re his ex.

    You don't trust him. If you did you wouldn't be looking at his messages. this is a relatively new relationship and throughout it all you haven't felt at ease, and as if you can trust him. That could either be because your gut is telling you he's not that into you, or because you have trust issues, or a bit of both - however, what scenario would make this better for you? If he confessed to having feelings for her would that make everything alright? if he said there was nothing there would you trust him? I can't imagine an outcome where you would feel that everything is good.

    basically you have to either trust that he wants to be with you and stop checking his phone (this will only work if you can truly put all this behind you and live in the moment) OR end it, because this isn't making you happy.
    A/give up smoking (done)
    • Judi
    • By Judi 19th Mar 17, 9:52 PM
    • 15,280 Posts
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    Judi
    he knows he wants them to be together but the fact he ended it and found someone else so quickly is something he could never forgive himself for, and that is the reason things are the way they are.
    In other words your a mistake.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • superpauk
    • By superpauk 19th Mar 17, 10:29 PM
    • 36 Posts
    • 13 Thanks
    superpauk
    Get rid... When you have a gut feeling its normally right i find. You need someone who doesn't cause you all this stress! life is too short!!
    • tea lover
    • By tea lover 20th Mar 17, 9:04 AM
    • 7,994 Posts
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    tea lover
    He's with you until she gives him the green light, and then you won't see him for dust. It's horrible when you realise you're just a back-up for someone, but the plus side of finding out is you can now walk away with your head held high.
    • Ozzuk
    • By Ozzuk 20th Mar 17, 3:23 PM
    • 1,145 Posts
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    Ozzuk
    Sadly you are the rebound. He may even be confusing feelings for you with feelings for her and actually mourning the lost relationship. It is highly unlikely your relationship will last long term - not impossible but the odds are stacked against you given your insecurity (justified in this case) and his continued contact/reliance.

    I'd say sit down and have a proper discussion - one option could be to stop seeing each other, leave it 6-months maybe even a year and see what happens. It gives him time to get over his past relationship and will help give you perspective so you know if you ever got back together it was for the right reasons.

    Good luck, sounds like you have tough times ahead but you will get through it.
    • beautiful_ravens
    • By beautiful_ravens 20th Mar 17, 7:13 PM
    • 718 Posts
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    beautiful_ravens
    what scenario would make this better for you? If he confessed to having feelings for her would that make everything alright? if he said there was nothing there would you trust him? I can't imagine an outcome where you would feel that everything is good.
    Originally posted by lobbyludd
    Indeed.
    Also, if you have to confess to looking through his phone, then can he trust you? And could you 'put all this behind you' in practice? People often keep events like this in a little corner of their mind, unable to completely forget.
    Unfortunately, I think the only way is out.
    ''A moment's thinking is an hour in words.'' -Thomas Hood
    • trey101
    • By trey101 20th Mar 17, 11:59 PM
    • 15 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    trey101
    Some of you are right that have trust issues and need to stop snooping. I'm going to try as hard as I can to overcome it.

    Now I've calmed down I feel a little better. I'm holding on to the fact that "he's happy with me" and think that's a good sign and does make me feel better. I'm not sure what he meant by "but it isn't that simple" after he told her he's happy with me as it's a very vague and confusing statement...
    • xXMessedUpXx
    • By xXMessedUpXx 21st Mar 17, 12:16 AM
    • 17,021 Posts
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    xXMessedUpXx
    I've only snooped once, and that was with my ex, i suspected he was cheating and i was right. Never dared say anything though cos i was in the wrong for looking and it would have been another excuse for him to kick off at me. It kiled me knowing he was cheating but being unable to confront him.

    Honestly get out whilst you can. I agree with others, as soon as he gets the green light he;s going to go back to her. I had that with another ex, thankfully on the end i ended it myself, thought he went straight back to his ex which pretty much conformed my suspicions that i was just a rebound. Thankfully after i left him i met someone much much better for me.
    "Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up"
    To see the rainbow you need both the sun and the rain to make its colours appear
    weight lost: 1lbs
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 21st Mar 17, 7:16 AM
    • 16,065 Posts
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    FBaby
    So your plan is to keep going in denial and hoping that everything will be ok, even though deep inside, it is unlikely you will shake the feelings that you might be taken for a fool. You are doing that because you can't bear to lose him and go through the pain of a break-up, even though as most have said, this relationship is unlikely to evolve positively and all you are doing is delaying it, with each weeks going by meaning that it will become more painful.

    Your relationship is built on a lie as it stands. He is not being honest about his feelings for his ex, not that he is in regular contact with her, and you are keeping away from him the fact that you know. How is this for the start of a healthy relationship? If you want to give it a chance, at least confront him, admit that you shouldn't have been snooping, that you know it is wrong, but the circumstances have led you to it and that you need to know where you stand.

    Ultimately, he will either be annoyed/angry, but understand where you are coming from and be honest with you, or he will go beserk and break up with you, in which case, at least you are not wasting more time with him.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 21st Mar 17, 7:50 AM
    • 18,317 Posts
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    Pollycat
    Some of you are right that have trust issues and need to stop snooping. I'm going to try as hard as I can to overcome it.
    Originally posted by trey101
    I don't think you'll be able to, trey.
    It will eat you up inside.

    Now I've calmed down I feel a little better. I'm holding on to the fact that "he's happy with me" and think that's a good sign and does make me feel better. I'm not sure what he meant by "but it isn't that simple" after he told her he's happy with me as it's a very vague and confusing statement...
    Originally posted by trey101
    But you're ignoring the fact that he also said this:
    But he said he wants to be with her...
    Originally posted by trey101
    Surely that's a bad sign?

    "None so blind....." and all that.

    I wish you luck - I think you're going to need it.
    • emmatthews
    • By emmatthews 21st Mar 17, 8:50 AM
    • 650 Posts
    • 1,272 Thanks
    emmatthews
    By ignoring it you are just delaying the inevitable.

    In a healthy loving relationship, people don't go telling their exes that they want to be with them.

    You are allowing yourself to be taken for a mug.
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