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  • FIRST POST
    • *~Zephyr~*
    • By *~Zephyr~* 28th Feb 17, 11:02 AM
    • 506Posts
    • 998Thanks
    *~Zephyr~*
    I knew getting married was a bad idea...
    • #1
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:02 AM
    I knew getting married was a bad idea... 28th Feb 17 at 11:02 AM
    I am SO stressed out over this!

    We never wanted a "wedding". The thought of it brings me out in hives. I was hoping that they would open up Civil Partnerships to opposite sex couples purely because CP's can be done behind closed doors, privately, without the blooming hoo-har that surrounds weddings. We don't want a fuss, we just wanted to do it quietly, with the minimum legal requirements and a glass of bubbly after. That's it.

    So we very quietly went and booked the registry office for August. Its mid-week and at 10:30am, but its a special date for us (the 14th anniversary of when we met). We can have a maximum of 4 people with us as witnesses, which is fine, because obviously, parents and OH's kids. Then we thought we'd wander over the road to have tea in the posh hotel before going for a nice meal at lunchtime, a few drinks and then home before rush hour traffic. Simples. Exactly what we wanted.

    We broke the news this weekend to the parents and my brother + SIL they live 200m away from us. My parents' reaction was "meh" but SIL was over the ruddy moon. I mean REALLY excited. Which I found embarrassing and a bit bewildering, and she immediately started looking for hotel rooms and outfits and badgering me on what I will be wearing. I AM NOT HAVING A RUDDY WEDDING DRESS!! *deep breath* I really am amazed that they want to come to be honest. Its 10:30am on a Tuesday. Who wants to travel 200 miles to stand outside a RO waiting for us to come out? I thought they'd be happy for us, say congrats and "lets go for a nice drink next time you visit".

    We are supposed to tell OH's family this weekend before beginning to break the news to friends etc. But I'm dreading it. His sister is going to be even more excited than SIL. She's going to want to have a big celebration.

    So my quiet little dinner for 6 is going to grow exponentially. 6 is going to become 14 easily, and that's before we tell any friends. I'm beginning to wish we'd run away to Vegas, or Gretna. I'm hyperventilating at the thought of it! Seriously considering calling the whole thing off.

    How on earth do I put people off coming without upsetting anyone??
    Last edited by *~Zephyr~*; 28-02-2017 at 3:43 PM.
Page 1
    • DomRavioli
    • By DomRavioli 28th Feb 17, 11:35 AM
    • 3,008 Posts
    • 5,123 Thanks
    DomRavioli
    • #2
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:35 AM
    • #2
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:35 AM
    You tell them it is YOUR wedding, not theirs. It is YOUR choice to have a small wedding, and if they cannot respect that, then not to come to any celebrations.

    Sounds harsh, but you have to stand your ground and stick to your guns - family are terribly manipulative.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 28th Feb 17, 11:41 AM
    • 27,047 Posts
    • 68,966 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #3
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:41 AM
    • #3
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:41 AM
    I was hoping that they would open up Civil Partnerships to opposite sex couples purely because CP's can be done behind closed doors, privately, without the blooming hoo-har that surrounds weddings.

    So we very quietly went and booked the registry office for August.
    Originally posted by *~Zephyr~*
    So can weddings. All the hoo-har is optional.

    It's not too late for you to change the date. You can ask for a couple of workers at the RO to be your witnesses so no-one needs to know about it until it's over and you are married.
    • TonyMMM
    • By TonyMMM 28th Feb 17, 11:54 AM
    • 2,304 Posts
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    TonyMMM
    • #4
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:54 AM
    • #4
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:54 AM
    Weddings in E/W can't be behind closed doors and can't be done in secret.

    That doesn't mean you have to tell anyone the date though - just that the details will be on a noticeboard somewhere when you give notice (to allow people to object) and then another notice will be on view in the register office on the day with your ceremony details on and (in theory) anyone can attend.
    Last edited by TonyMMM; 28-02-2017 at 11:58 AM.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 28th Feb 17, 11:58 AM
    • 27,047 Posts
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    Mojisola
    • #5
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:58 AM
    • #5
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:58 AM
    Weddings in E/W can't be behind closed doors and can't be done in secret.
    Originally posted by TonyMMM
    In practice, unless someone who knows you scours the RO listings and sees your names and turns up on the day, your marriage can be private.
    • *~Zephyr~*
    • By *~Zephyr~* 28th Feb 17, 12:11 PM
    • 506 Posts
    • 998 Thanks
    *~Zephyr~*
    • #6
    • 28th Feb 17, 12:11 PM
    • #6
    • 28th Feb 17, 12:11 PM
    So can weddings. All the hoo-har is optional.

    It's not too late for you to change the date. You can ask for a couple of workers at the RO to be your witnesses so no-one needs to know about it until it's over and you are married.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    I REALLY don't want to change the date. Its a special date for us. And the bans have already been read and it's all paid for.

    It really is astonishing how people invite themselves to weddings! You tell them you're getting wed and they immediately assume that you are inviting them and start arranging ruddy accommodation!

    DomRavioli (ace name!) you are SO right. They are terribly manipulative.

    It's too late to not tell anyone else. The cat is out of the bag. We can't go ahead with my parents, brother and SIL and not tell OH's sister - she would be terribly hurt.
    • 7roland8
    • By 7roland8 28th Feb 17, 3:51 PM
    • 3,528 Posts
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    7roland8
    • #7
    • 28th Feb 17, 3:51 PM
    • #7
    • 28th Feb 17, 3:51 PM
    You'll need to say that you aren't having more guests - and the quicker you tells sister in law etc the better. Its not their day so don't let people take over. We organised ours in a week and there was only 8 in total - do what you want.
    Otherwise you'll have a horrid few months and end up with 50+ guests.


    No one pestered us so maybe we were just lucky - or are people different these days?
    Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. -- Sally Koch
    • 7roland8
    • By 7roland8 28th Feb 17, 3:52 PM
    • 3,528 Posts
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    7roland8
    • #8
    • 28th Feb 17, 3:52 PM
    • #8
    • 28th Feb 17, 3:52 PM
    Cannot you just have the four parents and leave it at that - have siblings for a meal another time.
    Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. -- Sally Koch
    • *~Zephyr~*
    • By *~Zephyr~* 28th Feb 17, 11:32 PM
    • 506 Posts
    • 998 Thanks
    *~Zephyr~*
    • #9
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:32 PM
    • #9
    • 28th Feb 17, 11:32 PM
    Cannot you just have the four parents and leave it at that - have siblings for a meal another time.
    Originally posted by 7roland8
    There's only my parents, OH's have both passed. We're having my parents and his daughter and her partner at the RO because we're only allowed 4.

    It's the rest of the day that I'm worried everyone else will try and muscle in on.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 28th Feb 17, 11:42 PM
    • 14,365 Posts
    • 35,460 Thanks
    elsien
    Ok, so now you've told your family you need to tell his. But that doesn't mean you need to tell friends or anyone else. Why is 6 going to become 14? You, parents and siblings/partners if they want to come.
    Keep the date and be more assertive about what you want, no dresses, no fuss just a simple meal with close family. And that's it.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 1st Mar 17, 12:02 AM
    • 1,053 Posts
    • 3,880 Thanks
    lika_86
    Don't tell your friends until after you're married. What do you have to gain from it?

    Also, 12 family members isn't too bad. Why not book a private dining room somewhere and say that if those few people want to come along that's fine but in lieu of a gift they could contribute to the meal.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 1st Mar 17, 10:25 AM
    • 27,047 Posts
    • 68,966 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Then we thought we'd wander over the road to have tea in the posh hotel before going for a nice meal at lunchtime, a few drinks and then home before rush hour traffic. Simples. Exactly what we wanted.
    Originally posted by *~Zephyr~*
    Skip the tea across the road - book taxis to be ready outside the RO when you come out and head off to to a the posh hotel and the six of you can have your planned meal. Don't tell anyone else which hotel you're going to!

    You've got time to make it clear to all your relatives and friends that it is a quiet event with just the six of you and that you don't want anyone else turning up.

    Are your relatives going to be bonkers enough to do a "follow that taxi" chase across town so that you don't escape them?
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 1st Mar 17, 10:29 AM
    • 27,047 Posts
    • 68,966 Thanks
    Mojisola
    It really is astonishing how people invite themselves to weddings! You tell them you're getting wed and they immediately assume that you are inviting them and start arranging ruddy accommodation!

    DomRavioli (ace name!) you are SO right. They are terribly manipulative.
    Originally posted by *~Zephyr~*
    The manipulation is something you're going to have to stand up to if you don't want your day ruined.

    One of our sons got married with just him and DIL and two close friends. It was the way they wanted to it (for very good reasons) - of course, we would have loved to have shared the day with them but it was their decision and we had to respect that.
    • NCC-1701
    • By NCC-1701 1st Mar 17, 10:40 AM
    • 81 Posts
    • 134 Thanks
    NCC-1701
    We had a quiet wedding, only the people we wanted there were there because we told no one else ! You have I'm afraid let the Genie out the bottle!
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 1st Mar 17, 10:41 AM
    • 10,297 Posts
    • 23,761 Thanks
    suki1964
    I planned on just the four guests, but then word got around and friends got the hump about not being invited

    So I had around 40 people turn up, some to the registrars some came during the day It was OK as we just done a small afternoon buffet in the garden, very laid back and causal, some friends even popped in straight from a shift in work clothes

    It didn't cost much, was no big deal but in a way it was even more special for us knowing that friends did want to celebrate with us

    We had no wedding pressies, no speeches , no photographs , it was just like a summers BBQ with a wedding cake ( gift from sister)
    • Danny.Olier
    • By Danny.Olier 19th Mar 17, 8:55 AM
    • 3 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Danny.Olier
    We had a quiet wedding, only the people we wanted there were there because we told no one else ! You have I'm afraid let the Genie out the bottle!
    Originally posted by NCC-1701
    Exactly. People understand that a wedding is a personal thing and everyone chooses how he wants to celebrate it.
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 23rd Mar 17, 9:30 AM
    • 6,022 Posts
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    GlasweJen
    You need to learn how to say "that's not what we want" on a loop.
    Bounts, Quidco, Shop and Scan, Receipt Hog, Costco Cashback, Debit card cashback

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