Being friends with an ex.....

emsywoo123 · 27 August 2014 at 6:03PM

Just posting for some opinions really. My real life friends have strong opinions both ways, and I'd like some other perspectives.

Ex and I were together for only 5 months, and split about a month ago. It was circumstance, not incompatibility or infidelity or anything that caused the split.

We still speak daily, via text mostly. I was sad, very sad, but not only because of this but some other issues.

I was thinking today it was nice that we've retained a friendship, but then someone asked me how I'd feel if he started dating someone else. I thought I was ok, but promptly and unexpectedly burst into tears :eek:

I'm now wondering if actually I shouldn't speak to him at all. It seems a waste to lose a friend, but I'm clearly not ok with the prospect of him dating again.

So, what would you do?

Voyager2002 · 27 August 2014 at 6:06PM

Enjoy his friendship, but avoid being emotionally dependent since eventually he (and you) will find someone else... Maybe you should speak two or three times a week rather than every day.

emsywoo123 · 27 August 2014 at 6:16PM

Voyager2002 wrote: »

Enjoy his friendship, but avoid being emotionally dependent since eventually he (and you) will find someone else... Maybe you should speak two or three times a week rather than every day.

Not talk to him every day?! :eek:

Hmm. You might have a point about dependency

Person_one · 27 August 2014 at 6:20PM

If I were you, I'd leave it for a bit. No contact, no Facebook stalking. When (if) things change and for whatever reason you one day think it'd be nice to see how he was doing and you're at a point where you'd genuinely be happy for him if he had a new partner, then drop him a line.

I'm only friends with one ex though, its not compulsory. It can be nice and simple to just act as though they dropped off the face of the earth and move on!

emsywoo123 · 27 August 2014 at 6:25PM

Person_one wrote: »

If I were you, I'd leave it for a bit. No contact, no Facebook stalking. When (if) things change and for whatever reason you one day think it'd be nice to see how he was doing and you're at a point where you'd genuinely be happy for him if he had a new partner, then drop him a line.

I'm only friends with one ex though, its not compulsory. It can be nice and simple to just act as though they dropped off the face of the earth and move on!

I've always been the dumper, or mutually agreed, so dealt with all the emotions before the end. This "friends with ex" thing is a novel concept to me. :rotfl:

I've been good and not FB stalked, I actually de friended to remove temptation.

I'm worried I'm holding onto hope.

hgotsparkle · 27 August 2014 at 6:28PM

I always think that being friends with an ex creates problem within a new relationship. If you're friends with an ex, thats not really fair to a new partner as they might compare themselves.
I certainly would never be friends with any of my exes and I wouldn't be comfortable if OH was with any of his.

Yolina · 27 August 2014 at 6:54PM

I tend to remain on good terms whenever possible - it's not because things didn't work out as a couple that you automatically can't be friends

Been on holidays several times with one of my exes over the years, it's never caused any problems and frankly if anyone's got an issue with that then it's tough sh*t really. I would never put up with anyone trying to dictate who I can or can't be friends with; and I wouldn't have any problems whatsoever with someone who is friends with their ex.
I also know people who have had kids together, split up and now have kids with their respective new partners and who are perfectly happy to all go out together, or babysit for each other.

Gloomendoom · 27 August 2014 at 7:15PM

I remained friends with my ex for a few years but we gradually drifted further apart. I suppose me remarrying didn't help.

Shame really.

bagpussbear · 27 August 2014 at 7:16PM

Sounds to me like this isn't a friendship, but still a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without the physical side to it.

To move on you need to drop a lot of the contact you now have. I don't think its healthy or helpful to you to be knowing the in's and out's of each others daily lives, certainly whilst you still have feelings for him.

I'm not saying don't be friends altogether, just casual catchups might be better?

To be honest, I have never got this friendship thing with an ex, all mine with the exception of my hubby, have cheated on me, so maybe I am a bit biased in my opinion, lol!

Lone_Northern_Lass · 27 August 2014 at 7:24PM

hgotsparkle wrote: »

I always think that being friends with an ex creates problem within a new relationship. If you're friends with an ex, thats not really fair to a new partner as they might compare themselves.
I certainly would never be friends with any of my exes and I wouldn't be comfortable if OH was with any of his.

I find this attitude really odd. I've only ever had one romantic relationship. It was a significant part of my life, but it didn't work out because our plans and hopes for the long-term future differed to the extent that my life-plans were incompatible with his and vice versa. We remain friends. I would love to meet somebody I could marry and be with for the rest of my life. If that were to happen (and I'm not at all sure it will), the comparison would be:

* Ex-partner who's now just a friend: nice guy I really get on with, who I chat with about once a week and see in person once every few months.
* Partner / spouse: nice guy I really get on with, with whom I share my life every day, with whom I'm currently in a romantic relationship, to whom I've made a commitment, who's given me all the benefits of marriage which I was far from convinced I'd ever experience, etc, etc.

Why should such a comparison be a problem?

An ex-partner is an EX for a reason. For me, if I were to begin a new relationship, by definition I would think that that relationship would have the potential to be better than my relationship with my ex - if my relationship with my ex had been the best possible, it wouldn't have ended.

(In any case, if one's current partner is going to get wound up comparing themselves to one's previous partner, this can happen whether or not one's maintained any contact with the previous partner - should you avoid telling any anecdotes about previous relationships or talking at all about times in your life when you've previously been in a relationship?)

PlymouthMaid · 27 August 2014 at 7:55PM

I think it is possible to be friends with exes but only after a lot of time (years) has passed and only if you do not see much of each other at all as it could cause so many problems. Best to think of them kindly and fondly and when your paths do cross accidentally in the future you can have a catch up. I am still 'in touch' with my first serious boyfriend from 35 years ago but in reality that means a text for his birthday, a Christmas card, the occasional facebook conversation (on the main page not private) and a meet up if we are in each other's part of the country. Another boyfriend from long ago found me on Facebook along with other school friends and we chatted a little, then he removed me with no warning - I expect his wife was not comfortable with an ex being one of his friends on FB. I can respect that although it is a shame as it was nice to see him and hear about his family etc. So in short, I think you need to keep away from each other for a while and let your independent lives develop.

Being friends with an ex.....

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