Bereft and Broken

Smolly · 13 September 2016 at 4:49PM

Another load of lovely messages of support - thank you EM, Thistle-down, horseygirl and changeforbetter. I love reading all these positive messages and that is why I have logged on today....because I needed some support. I have been thinking about ringing the Samaritans - I feel such a mess. I seem to have adopted the speed of a sloth on crutches and felt so utterly down this morning that I called in sick. Then I rang to say I wouldn't be in all week. I feel so exhausted, so sad, so fed up. I seem to have really good days and then all of a sudden, wham! It hits me like a brick and I go sinking down. Changeforbetter - do you have a diary please? Your situation does sound very similar.

I'll update a few things while I'm here. I'm seeing my GP Friday and I'll be taking a letter with me from H5BC to let them have access to my medical records. I'm going to ask about my meds as I have started shaking again, feel like I need to sleep all the time and I keep forgetting stuff. It's worrying me quite a lot that one. And EM, I am going to the doctor if he can refer me for some exercise classes. I certainly can't afford them, and I fancy swimming too. It can't hurt to ask.

I am no longer with Stepchange. It was MBN@ that made me call them. I finally got through and told them that including 3Bay money wasn't a good idea. I had been so unwell recently that I hadn't managed to sell anything, and what happens when I run out of things to sell? So they removed that, added in my loan to my brother who had paid off one of my overdrafts, and I'm left with a negative figure and hence nothing to pay to anyone. That I knew, so they can't work with me obviously on a DMP. I'm actually more relieved about that than not. It means I'm not worrying about paying when I can't.

Following on from that I plucked up courage to ring HSB5 - another call with someone equally as helpful as MBN@. Complete understanding, will leave me alone for 3 months and nothing to pay in the meantime. I just have to get this medical record to them. I told the woman that I didn't see my circumstances changing in the next 3 months too much, but she said not to worry - there might be other options I could consider but didn't want to discuss those yet. No idea what options she has in mind but for now I can breathe. So that is 2 out of 6.

Barcl@yc@rd have also been in touch twice now by letter wanting me to phone them. At least they aren't pestering me by phone. I shall try to sort them out tomorrow and hopefully I can come back and say that 3 out of 6 are sorted. I haven't heard from the other 3 but I do now need to let everyone know I'm doing this on my own now.

I have left a message with MIND to call me regarding counselling but I think I'm going to have to go down there as they haven't got back to me. I did phone our Talking Shop however and I have a telephone interview with a counsellor tomorrow to see if I can have counselling sessions.

I am dealing with things but it makes me so tired. I know I am moving forward and I'm not trying to rush it either because I can't, but I feel so very low. Today enough felt like enough.

xx

ERICS_MUM · 13 September 2016 at 4:57PM

I think you are doing ok considering your situation. Don't expect too much of yourself too soon, you didn't get to this stage overnight so it will take you a while to unravel it.

Odd you should mention bring tired. When my depression was at its worst I had to go to bed every afternoon as sleep was the only way I could escape for a couple of hours how wretched I felt. Whatever I did in the mornings (nothing profound !) wore me out and I couldn't think straight.

Sorry to keep talking about myself, it's the only way I can explain my thoughts.

EM x

Smolly · 13 September 2016 at 5:15PM

EM please don't apologise - it helps me to read about how other people cope too. When I was in my 20's I suffered from 10 years of depression and chronic fatigue. I lost all that time and most of my afternoons were spent in bed as well because I was so exhausted. Funnily enough it was exercise and being outdoors that eventually brought me round and made me start to feel better. I will start to do something. I might ask for money for swimming sessions for my birthday if the Dr can't help (not that I expect him to give me money for swimming sessions for my birthday!)

I certainly need to factor time in for myself too. Even if it's just reading a book or watching something I want to watch on TV that isn't flaming darts!!

Take care EM anyway and thank you for popping by. I love the picture of Eric - mine was a ginger Tom. He was so naughty!! xx

changeforbetter · 14 September 2016 at 12:57PM

Smolly wrote: »

Another load of lovely messages of support - thank you EM, Thistle-down, horseygirl and changeforbetter. I love reading all these positive messages and that is why I have logged on today....because I needed some support. I have been thinking about ringing the Samaritans - I feel such a mess. I seem to have adopted the speed of a sloth on crutches and felt so utterly down this morning that I called in sick. Then I rang to say I wouldn't be in all week. I feel so exhausted, so sad, so fed up. I seem to have really good days and then all of a sudden, wham! It hits me like a brick and I go sinking down. Changeforbetter - do you have a diary please? Your situation does sound very similar.

Hi Smolly,

I don't have a diary (as yet) though may manage one at some point. I am actually running around currently trying to improve my situation (work hunting), which is something I've been trying to develop for some time. Glimmers of hope, but never certain I find with the work side so far. But counting each gain as a positive to put toward the situation.
Like I say, I've been there with the anxiety and tiredness - know both very well! I'm trying to use both positive thinking and meditation practices personally on that front (and cut down on other easier solutions like alcohol - one advice, try avoid that if you can, it used to be a weakness of mine that doesn't help in the long run).

All the best, chin up!

bettyboo71 · 14 September 2016 at 10:03PM

Hi Smolly

I haven't posted for ages but I have been following your thread. I just wanted to say that you do sound better, you are achieving things, however slowly it may seem, and you are using this forum in the way it was intended - and I am very glad that it seems to be helping you.

You will have bad days, slow days, and times when you feel it getting to you again, but you do now know that you can deal with it. And you just have to come back here if you need a bit of moral support.

Well done so far.

Smolly · 15 September 2016 at 1:59PM

Thank you everyone again who has posted and offered support. I am feeling a bit better although don't necessarily feel as if I'm achieving much - I know that I am though it just feels like a fog is around me and I'm stumbling around.

So I went to the GP today - rather than tomorrow, and promptly forgot to ask him half of what I wanted to ask him as my memory is so bad. I had a list, but still forgot to look at it. It didn't help that I felt like I was about to have a panic attack just before I went in to see him. I did ask him if he would complete the form for me for H5BC - yes he could do that....for a small fee....they don't charge much....only about £10-£15!!!! :eek: I'm having debt problems and they want to charge me?! I will photocopy the form when I get it back (not sure yet though how I will pay for it) so that I don't have to pay again. He's also doubled my meds (he quadrupled them last time, and now he's doubled that dose).

I pay into a health scheme to pay for things like dental and opticians costs - I've found it really helpful over the last few years for being able to budget for essential things like these. I do know that they also offer financial help (such as 75% of the cost paid) towards complimentary therapies such as acupuncture. I may have a look to see what is available - I may be able to scrape some money out of the grocery budget for something more natural than all these pills.

So I am off work at the moment. I still feel very tense and am becoming obsessed with the time and I have no idea why as I have nowhere to go other than the school run, but I am finding if I do go out I'm getting more and more nervous. I keep tripping over things, willing myself to hurry up and get done whatever it is I'm doing so I can get home. I do suffer from claustrophobia but this feels different.

Some good news about B@rclaycard. I rang them yesterday - took everything out of me but I managed it. I rang with my budget details and within 15 minutes had been referred to their specialist team, and like MBN@ and H5BC don't have to make any payments. They did tell me I may receive a default notice which I'm sure I will if I don't pay anything at all, but also told me that my debt would never be sold on. It would always stay with the Specialist Team. I'm not sure if this affects anything but they were really nice anyway. So 3 down (the biggest 3 too), and 3 to go. I shall try and tackle them one day at a time.

Work just called me to tell me they're missing me. It was really nice of them to ring me. They know I don't have anyone to talk to just yet - I almost jumped in the car and went off to work but I shall give myself some time to get myself together before going back. I don't want to rush back and then be in this same position in a fortnight - it's not fair to them.

I have a counselling session booked - the first one is in October. They advised I could have some therapy or be referred to MIND for listening services (I had been trying to contact them anyway!). I chose the therapy, and then who should ring but MIND to offer me their listening service! It was advised I only do one thing at a time so I have had to put MIND to the back of my MIND for the time being.

DS has only been at school a few days and is already to be presented with a certificate in achievement assembly for doing really well in all of his lessons so far. They have picked him and a girl from his class to receive the first certificates. As DS proudly pointed out - him and his (girl)friend also got the first certificates for their class last year! I am so very proud of him. His appointment for his blood tests have come through and they're not hanging about - it's next Wednesday. Just hope all ok there.

I shall have to sign off now - the dog is curled lovingly round my legs as I type this but he keeps trumping (so sorry) and it's poisoning me. :rotfl: It has really helped my mood today just to sit and type all this down. Re-reading it I can see that I am making progress, albeit very slowly.

xx

Smolly · 15 September 2016 at 2:08PM

Hi changeforbetter, you will have to let me know if you do start a diary. I do have a diary over on the Debt Free Diary Thread but seem to prefer posting here for now, particularly as my debt is not moving at all at the moment!
Don't worry about the alcohol - I tried a glass of wine last week on a mystery shop and almost passed out! I seem to get a headache just looking at it without drinking it!
I found a shiny new blog the other day - can't remember what it was called (my memory!) but it was about a yorkshire woman (I will have to look it up as I want to carry on reading it) - anyway she mentioned Glenn Harrold as someone who had helped her with meditation in the past. You can download apps to your phone and get a few to try for free. I've just started to listen to a few in the past few days and they may help me.

xx

Thistle-down · 16 September 2016 at 10:58AM

You are doing really well Smolly, and taking steps to regain control of your life. I hope you are able to rest properly before going back to work.

I've found that if I can try to keep going forward in any way, no matter how small, the momentum starts to build and I can do things I wouldn't have dared to even think about previously. You are much stronger and more powerful than you realise, your diary is a testament to that!

changeforbetter · 17 September 2016 at 9:56AM

Smolly wrote: »

Hi changeforbetter, you will have to let me know if you do start a diary. I do have a diary over on the Debt Free Diary Thread but seem to prefer posting here for now, particularly as my debt is not moving at all at the moment!
Don't worry about the alcohol - I tried a glass of wine last week on a mystery shop and almost passed out! I seem to get a headache just looking at it without drinking it!
I found a shiny new blog the other day - can't remember what it was called (my memory!) but it was about a yorkshire woman (I will have to look it up as I want to carry on reading it) - anyway she mentioned Glenn Harrold as someone who had helped her with meditation in the past. You can download apps to your phone and get a few to try for free. I've just started to listen to a few in the past few days and they may help me.

xx

Hi Smolly,

I'm getting to be a bit of a convert into the idea of meditation - really helping so far. I think I'm a bit of an anxious type in general, but money problems certainly never helped with that issue either.
Hope it can be a help for you too, if you decide to look into that more. Anything that promotes a calmer way of looking at things is good IMO.

Smolly · 18 September 2016 at 9:54PM

Thank you Thistle-down and changeforbetter for popping by. Thistle-down - I certainly do intend to try and rest before I go back to work. Last week didn't feel much like rest, I was too fraught with everything. Perhaps I can do better this week!

I had an impromptu stay at Mum's last night. I was over with her doing some mystery shops - very bad planning on my part as we ended up having to have two meals in a very short space of time but Mum was enjoying herself, especially after her cheeky glass of very sweet wine. I just had all the reports to catch up on when we finally got back and decided I really couldn't be bothered to then jump in the car and drive for over an hour back to mine. I'm having a bit of a break from these now.

For one thing I've run out of money so can't pay for any more meals upfront, and I'm tired. I'm off work sick anyway and I want to rest and just gather myself together. I still have 10 days until payday so I'm going to have to get creative. My PopulusLive cheque has finally turned up but it will take about 5 days to clear. I had wanted to use the money for my Christmas pot but that's not going to happen is it. I've emptied a jar of coins and found I have £10 in 20p's so I'll take that to the bank tomorrow with my cheque.

I decided as I was alone last night to listen to one of the Glenn Harrold meditation apps I had downloaded. I got myself settled, switched it on.....and the thing was in Chinese! It still sounded relaxing but it wasn't quite the effect I was after. After I'd found another one that was in English I listened to it and it was very good. I didn't fall into the deep trance that was promised within the 30 minutes it played, but I think if I keep playing it, it will get easier. I just find it so hard to relax. I once went for a massage and the woman had to keep telling me to relax as I was so rigid - like a plank. I kept telling her I didn't know how to relax my muscles and it was true!

I had a letter off the H@lifax at the weekend - 'you appear to have missed your last payment' Yes I know. I also wrote to them on 16 August like everyone else but they haven't responded, so rather than write another letter I'm going to bite the bullet and ring them tomorrow, and see if I can get them on board like the other 3. That will then leave 2. One for Tuesday, one for Wednesday, breathe on Thursday!

Hope everyone has had a good weekend - the weather has been lovely here today. It was really nice to just sit out in the garden earlier and do nothing for a little while xx

Bereft and Broken

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