neighbour in hospital refusing visits

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  • Art_Deco
    Art_Deco Posts: 188 Forumite
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    I agree that not every elderly person is seeking company, lots are very independant and enjoy a solitary life and this doesnt change when they become ill, send a card if you must,so they know you are thinking of them and call round if you feel the need when they return home but i wouldnt attempt to visit them in hospital also due to confidentiality issues dont ring the hospital enquiring about them .
  • tensandunits_2
    tensandunits_2 Posts: 919 Forumite
    It's interesting, reading all the replies here. My OH's father was in hospital for a few weeks before he died, and I kept saying to OH shall we go and visit your dad. His response was always: no, dad won't want us to see him like that. So we never went. He died in hospital and even now I can't help feeling a bit sad that he died all alone in hospital with nobody visiting him.
    It is not because things are difficult that we dare not venture
    It is because we dare not venture that they are difficult

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  • iwannanicerlife
    iwannanicerlife Posts: 205 Forumite
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    A few years ago, a friend's partner was killed in a car crash. Her "best" friend contacted us all with the news and told us our friend did not want to speak to anybody and had asked that any contact was via the best friend. It turned out some time later that there had been no such request made and our friend felt that we were avoiding speaking to her.

    In your case I think I would send a card and my phone number to the hospital. It does sound likely that your neighbour probably doesn't want any contact but at least you would know that you had offered.
  • hazyjo
    hazyjo Posts: 15,470 Forumite
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    tensandunits wrote: »
    It's interesting, reading all the replies here. My OH's father was in hospital for a few weeks before he died, and I kept saying to OH shall we go and visit your dad. His response was always: no, dad won't want us to see him like that. So we never went. He died in hospital and even now I can't help feeling a bit sad that he died all alone in hospital with nobody visiting him.
    Sounds like your OH was the one who actually didn't want to see his dad like that and he said it was the other way round.


    I remember a friend of mine having an op to remove a tumour. We went to see her (friends), but one of our group literally shut down - didn't ask about her, didn't visit, tried to put us off visiting... was quite strange. I suppose 'hospital' scares a lot of us and maybe it's a phobia we don't really know we have until a loved one is in.


    OP - definitely just send a card with your number and maybe a message like 'we'd love to visit so, if you're up to it, let us know and we'll pop along to see you'.


    My OH's son was in hospital for a week or so earlier this year and after the op, when we turned up he just burst into tears. I think people are at their most vulnerable, feel sorry for themselves, feel a burden, and feel guilty that you're all having to take time out of your day to sit in a hospital with them. It's often that people want to go, but as a patient it is very hard to accept visitors.
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  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,828 Forumite
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    tensandunits wrote: »
    It's interesting, reading all the replies here. My OH's father was in hospital for a few weeks before he died, and I kept saying to OH shall we go and visit your dad. His response was always: no, dad won't want us to see him like that. So we never went. He died in hospital and even now I can't help feeling a bit sad that he died all alone in hospital with nobody visiting him.

    That's very different. Visiting a close relative is not the same as a neighbour
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  • Marvel1
    Marvel1 Posts: 7,171 Forumite
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    tensandunits wrote: »
    It's interesting, reading all the replies here. My OH's father was in hospital for a few weeks before he died, and I kept saying to OH shall we go and visit your dad. His response was always: no, dad won't want us to see him like that. So we never went. He died in hospital and even now I can't help feeling a bit sad that he died all alone in hospital with nobody visiting him.



    Respect to your OH for listening to his Dad's wishes, wish more people did the same.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,557 Forumite
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    tensandunits wrote: »
    My OH's father was in hospital for a few weeks before he died, and I kept saying to OH shall we go and visit your dad.

    His response was always: no, dad won't want us to see him like that. So we never went. He died in hospital and even now I can't help feeling a bit sad that he died all alone in hospital with nobody visiting him.
    hazyjo wrote: »
    Sounds like your OH was the one who actually didn't want to see his dad like that and he said it was the other way round.
    cjdavies wrote: »
    Respect to your OH for listening to his Dad's wishes, wish more people did the same.

    Unless it wasn't his wish. :(

    I can understand a relative not wanting to go the hospital - but to leave someone there with no visitors at all is really sad, especially if the person is in their last few days.
  • hazyjo
    hazyjo Posts: 15,470 Forumite
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    Unless it wasn't his wish. :(

    I can understand a relative not wanting to go the hospital - but to leave someone there with no visitors at all is really sad, especially if the person is in their last few days.
    Oh God I totally agree! Especially if it's your parent (or your OH's parent)! But I still think you'd have to be very close to a neighbour to visit them in hospital. Our lovely old neighbour died in a nursing home and had been in hospital for a while before that, but we really didn't feel it appropriate to visit - we did send our best wishes, but it just didn't feel right to see her in bed in hospital. She had always been so proud and impeccably dressed. In her 80s with terminal cancer. Never saw her without perfect hair and makeup.


    She used to go on about not wanting a funeral and how she had told everyone not to come when she died and she just wanted a state cremation (or whatever it is) and nobody should pay. She was adamant - used to say it every time we saw her. Didn't want a fuss and was appalled that people would take time out of their day or weekend to attend as everyone lived all over the country. Sad really. Lovely lady. We used to visit her a lot at home.


    Jx
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  • fierystormcloud
    fierystormcloud Posts: 1,588 Forumite
    zaksmum wrote: »
    An elderly neighbour, who has no family, has been in hospital since early January. A few of us got together and spoke to her next door neighbour to say we'd like to visit when convenient for her.
    The response was, "she can't take it, she doesn't want anyone hassling her".
    We try to see her, shop for her etc when she's at home, despite her being far from friendly. But we hate the idea that she has no visitors week in, week out.
    This neighbour is the only one allowed to get close to her and she speaks in a sort of code to him
    Are we just wasting our time?
    Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »
    I wouldn't want loads of people turning up if I were trapped in my pyjamas in a hospital bed, either.
    Hermia wrote: »
    Same here! I hate seeing people when I am ill. If she has been in hospital since Jan she may have made friends with some other long-term patients.

    I think Anoneemoose's suggestion of a letter is a good one as she will know you are thinking of her. I would make it clear that you understand if she doesn't want visitors and tell her to let you know if that changes.

    I have to agree. I can't be doing with people around me when I'm ill. I know the OP probably means well, but if it were me, I would find it very annoying.
    cooeeeeeeeee :j :wave:
  • Spirit_2
    Spirit_2 Posts: 5,546 Forumite
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    I have had several longish spells in hospital. In addition to my immediate family, friends, colleagues and neighbours have all visited. On one spell it was post stroke and I was very incapacitated. It helped with my return home that so many people were prepared for how I was effected and the scale of rehabilitation and long term help I would need. It did mean that folk saw me in a poor state but helped motivate me to get dressed every day and there were many people to participate in massaging my hand, reading to me,helping do my hair, bring me home made meals. On balance it did me more good than harm to keep engaged with a wider world and built/reinforced the support network I and my family have needed to see us through the last couple of years.

    If no one is visiting how are they getting washing done? Supplies of toiletries and the consumables you need as a longer term inpatient beyond the nhs provision.

    Well done OP for your kindness, as suggested by others do follow up, I would also say pop in. Do not plan to stay unless it i s clear they want you to. Ask them if they would like you call in again. Take a card and tissues and cordial/squash.
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