Husband is fuming but I don't understand why

I am a long time lurker of this site so decided to come here for advice.
I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 young children. I have a decent job taking home just over 3K per month. My husband works part time ( long story) earning about 1k per month. It actually works out ok as he is able to do school drop offs and pick ups etc.

We have been in debt for as long as I can remember. Our debts accumulated due to mindless spending, 3k holidays, new cars, meals out etc etc . I never worried too much about it as I could afford the payments and thought that everyone was in the same boat. I deal with the finances so would just transfer balances, take consolidation loans etc and carry on spending. The threat of redundancy at the end of 2015 was my wake up call. We owed 55k at it’s highest. Over the last 14 months I have cleared 15k of debt using the snowball method. I am proud of this.
To cut a long story sh
ort, my husband found out that we owe 40k and he has gone mad!! I say ‘found out’ – It was never a secret and he knew that we had loads of debt. He has NEVER taken much interest in our debts and has always been happy for me to sort it all out. He was happy to take the holidays, shopping trips and the new car that he had 18 months ago. Surely he should have wondered how this lifestyle was being funded? #
He has hit the roof and has told me that he may need to re-evaluate our relationship. I am fuming with him. We both ran up the debts. I accept that I could have communicated more, however he is acting as though I have spent it all on myself.
Is he being unreasonable or am I deluded?
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Comments

  • He is being unreasonable, however you both need to stop being angry and hot headed and work through this together.

    You have already shown you can clear £1k a month, with a little more effort that could increase to £1300 or whatever. The fact is that it actually won't take that long to sort and you can change your attitude to money and life on the way.

    Good luck with the journey. A lot of people have been where you are, but you're right, being in debt makes you vulnerable so get out of it as soon as you can
    Mortgage Start - August 2013 £145,000 ************ Balance at April 2017 - £59,000

    Target - Overpay by £2,500 each month ************** Mortgage free by December 2018!
  • Unless your husband had no idea of your income, and perhaps assumed you were earning far more than you do, then I would say he is being unreasonable.

    Hopefully it's just an initial shocked reaction - albeit not a very nice one - and he will calm down and talk this through reasonably and hopefully you will be able to tackle the debt together.
    DFW Nerd No. 1484 LBM 07/01/15 Debt was £95k :eek: Now debt free and happy :j
  • Sazzie23
    Sazzie23 Posts: 2,634
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    Hi

    I'm going to take a guess that something has happened outside the debt to make your husband re-evaluate his financial position. This can be to do with worry over future income, such as illness, family illness, berereavements, someone close being involved in debt or needing financial support such as a parent going into a home. Even pension planning can trigger it off. Any of these things can make you suddenly realise that all this debt is not a great idea. Now I'm not says that his behaviour is reasonable or excusing it, but it's possibly just a reaction to the realisation that all this debt is going to need to be paid at some point.

    I'm not sure why sometimes people find the other person in a relationship to blame for debts, but my ex did the same. Even though for example I ran up debts such as paying his car insurance.....

    If you can sit down and show him where the money is going, do a SOA or perhaps try the Stepchange debt remedy, which is a free on-line tool which can show how to reduce your debt or whether you need to take more drastic steps. It's a useful tool as it shows you where you should be saving money, such as for car repairs, house repairs etc, so that one day debts and credit can be dispensed with.

    I hope you figure it out and strengthen your relationship, but it is a challenging time.

    Saz
    Debt -it's a fight that I'm winning, dealing with debt one day at a time.
    Estimated DFD August 2018 - 2031 - now 2027 :T

    Guide dog Tess, missing Scotland 2 years

    DMP support no438.
  • If he never showed an interest in the finances and spent money without ever questioning whether you were getting into debt then yes he is being unreasonable. I think there is more to this than that.

    There are so many people on this forum who struggle without their partner knowing they are in debt and think they are somehow at fault and their partner is blameless. If, as a couple, you are in debt you are both at fault regardless of who looks after the finances. Spending, while being unaware if you can afford it is the issue and claiming your partner looks after the money does not give you a get out of jail free card.

    You have cleared more than 25 % in 14 months. Has he made any changes in his spending behaviour and is now getting fed up with having little spare money? Why did you not communicate the extent of the debt a few years ago when you had your LBM? I am guessing he must be a head in the sand type of guy which is unfair on you. You both spent, you are both culpable and unless all the debt is in your name and he was kept in the dark then you are both equally to blame.
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  • Fireflyaway
    Fireflyaway Posts: 2,766
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    Did your husband know that the holidays / cars / meals etc where paid off credit cards and that you took out loans ? Maybe he just assumed you were cash flowing it or paying off the cards in full and not just increasing the debt? Whatever happened, I agree that his reaction seems a bit unfair if the money was spent on you both. All I can think is maybe as he allowed you to manage the finance so trusted you not to go into debt and feels a bit let down? From what you say it sounds like he was aware though....
    OK so going forward draw up a budget together and stick to that. We allocate ' spending money' put it in plastic envelopes, one for each week then you can't overspend. That really helps. Don't spend anything outside bills and spending money till you both agree where the money is coming from. As for repayments, you are doing great! Many people have no way out or the debt is there for years but you are making great progress. I also agree with the poster who said your husband may have been triggered by something else. He could have had a bad day and it just came out this way. Dare I say it but you being the higher earner could be an underlying issue. Even if they don' t admit it, some men feel like they are not doing their 'duty' by not being the main earner. Having a go at you is a way to assert his authority regarding money. Just a thought. Good luck this will probably blow over x
  • cats2012
    cats2012 Posts: 1,182 Forumite
    I actually slightly disagree here. Yes he enjoyed the spending, but in being happy for you to manage the money he obviously trusted you and yes ok he could have asked but did you ever actually say to him "this new car will need to go on the credit card and we'll be paying it back for X months and X% interest" - if not, I don't think he was wrong to assume things were more comfortable than they are. You had as much of a responsibility to explain the pros/cons of those choices.

    Just my opinion though...and, as others have said, it's more important now to focus on calming down and moving past it. Blame game won't help.
    Officially Mrs B as of March 2013
    TTC since Apr 2015, baby B born March 2017
  • -taff
    -taff Posts: 14,423
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    Suggest to him that you both can sell his new car if he is that upset about the debt since it will obviously bring it down a bit and he can have an old banger.
    His reaction will tell you much about where he thought the money was coming from.....
    Shampoo? No thanks, I'll have real poo...
  • He has always known that we are in debt - some of it is in his name, although I make the payments.

    He knew that the car was on 0% credit card. He wanted me/us to get a loan but I felt that the 0% card option was better. He will often text me telling me that he is over his overdraft limit and can I put some money in his bank. He will ask to use my credit card to buy things on. He sees me online making balance transfers. He hears me talking about how I can't wait to be debt free. He sees me handing over my credit card when we go shopping. There should be no surprises. The only thing he didn't know was the exact balance of our debt but in reality I didn't know either until I logged on to credit report to find out!!

    I am not prepared to shoulder all of the blame for this
  • He really needs to get a grip and live in the real world. We were just like you 5 years ago, 60k in debt but just about enough income to manage. Mrs BB wanted to go back to Uni to retrain, so we bit the bullet started a DMP as losing a wage was the end of the juggling. 5 years on and it's not really worked out and although she has a qualification we've decided she can stop work as the DMP is working for us on my wage. Best thing we did for our home life. I know she could get a job and we would be out of debt quicker but what's the point? So we can spend it again? We will be debt free in 3 years max and life is great.

    Your husband will hopefully get past the initial shock, but just remind him he can always go back full time if he finds it that hard to comprehend.
  • -taff
    -taff Posts: 14,423
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    He knew that the car was on 0% credit card.


    That's pretty outrageous really. I wouldn't even dream of buying a car on a credit card unless I knew damn well I had the means to pay it off before the deal expired. Where did he think these thousands of pounds would be coming form?
    He knows how much he earns, does he think you're Rockerfeller and only there to fund his wants?
    Shampoo? No thanks, I'll have real poo...
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