Friend is a mess
Newlyboughthouse
Posts: 352 Forumite
Hi
My friend is a complete self-destructing mess, and I don't know what to do to help her any more.
Bit of background. She's 28. She has a good job with a decent wage, she has a supportive family and friends.
However, she is quite frankly an alcoholic and a cokehead (I can be blunt here as anonymous), and is kidding herself that her boyfriend is right for her when actually he is a cokehead himself and so is not a support.
A few weekends ago she ruptured her stomach lining due to the drink. The doctors wanted to keep her in overnight to prevent her drinking more. They warned her this is serious and the next time it happens she will need surgery.
So all was well for just less than a week when she didn't drink. She struggled but she did it. Then Friday night came and she drank a few beers (and a bottle of wine which her oh so supportive boyfriend brought home for her, despite knowing the gravity of the situation)
She's now back on the drink almost every evening and certainly every weekend again. She gets cocaine every weekend. She has a 'meltdown' almost every Sunday now following a heavy weekend, and today she has told me she doesn't want to live any more.
I have been to AA with her and it didn't help. She has been to the doctors countless times and they just keep prescribing various happy pills.
She is very open about all of this with most people apart from her parents.
What is this? Depression? Addiction? Attention seeking? I am out of ideas. I find that I am giving her the same advice over and over again, but it falls on deaf ears it seems.
My friend is a complete self-destructing mess, and I don't know what to do to help her any more.
Bit of background. She's 28. She has a good job with a decent wage, she has a supportive family and friends.
However, she is quite frankly an alcoholic and a cokehead (I can be blunt here as anonymous), and is kidding herself that her boyfriend is right for her when actually he is a cokehead himself and so is not a support.
A few weekends ago she ruptured her stomach lining due to the drink. The doctors wanted to keep her in overnight to prevent her drinking more. They warned her this is serious and the next time it happens she will need surgery.
So all was well for just less than a week when she didn't drink. She struggled but she did it. Then Friday night came and she drank a few beers (and a bottle of wine which her oh so supportive boyfriend brought home for her, despite knowing the gravity of the situation)
She's now back on the drink almost every evening and certainly every weekend again. She gets cocaine every weekend. She has a 'meltdown' almost every Sunday now following a heavy weekend, and today she has told me she doesn't want to live any more.
I have been to AA with her and it didn't help. She has been to the doctors countless times and they just keep prescribing various happy pills.
She is very open about all of this with most people apart from her parents.
What is this? Depression? Addiction? Attention seeking? I am out of ideas. I find that I am giving her the same advice over and over again, but it falls on deaf ears it seems.
0
Comments
-
Newlyboughthouse wrote: »My friend is a complete self-destructing mess, and I don't know what to do to help her any more.
It's very sad but you can't help an addict unless they reach the point of wanting to change.0 -
-
While I would never advocate snooping or snitching, I find it very revealing that she has not told her parents any of this.
Might some good come of somehow letting them know - an anonymous letter perhaps or a word in the ear of another relative?
It might be that having to face her parents loving, deep concern would be the thing that forced her to confront her own behaviour.
I also think that if I was her mother, I would want to know because kept in ignorance, I can do nothing to support my child.
A very unhappy position for you to be in and I feel sad for your dismay and upset.0 -
I agree with the 2 posts above OP. All you can do is advise her and be supportive. Unless you are an expert in these matters, you could be doing more harm than good trying to intervene.cooeeeeeeeee :j :wave:0
-
Newlyboughthouse wrote: »What is this? Depression? Addiction? Attention seeking? I am out of ideas. I find that I am giving her the same advice over and over again, but it falls on deaf ears it seems.
It sounds to me (and admittedly I'm no expert) like addiction.
Unfortunately some people need to hit the bottom before they can bounce up again. But the addict needs to want to give up.0 -
It's very sad but you can't help an addict unless they reach the point of wanting to change.It sounds to me (and admittedly I'm no expert) like addiction.
Unfortunately some people need to hit the bottom before they can bounce up again. But the addict needs to want to give up.
This is the thing - she admits to being an alcoholic, hence why she went to AA. She talks a lot about wanting to change. She just can't stick to anything.
How much more rock bottom can you get than the doctor telling her she will need surgery next time? She said at the time that was a massive wake up call. Clearly all forgotten now.
The fact her boyfriend is a useless deadbeat doesn't help at all. And she knows it. But she won't get rid.
She's gonna end up dead I'm sure
0 -
What she needs is to see a Community Psychiatric nurse who specialises in drugs and alcohol.
The first Mrs Toad is a CPN and works with people like your friend. I'm surprised the doctor didn't refer her to one, or perhaps he did but she doesn't want to.
As others have said, she's got to want to help herself, you can't make her.
Perhaps you can look up your local drugs and alcohol unit and call them for advice and see what they say.One by one the penguins are slowly stealing my sanity.0 -
Newlyboughthouse wrote: »This is the thing - she admits to being an alcoholic, hence why she went to AA. She talks a lot about wanting to change. She just can't stick to anything.
The fact her boyfriend is a useless deadbeat doesn't help at all. And she knows it. But she won't get rid.
Saying you want to change isn't enough.
Unfortunately, some addicts never reach that lightbulb moment that makes them really want to change.
She likes having her enabling boyfriend on the scene because she can blame him for some of her failure to change.0 -
Saying you want to change isn't enough.
Unfortunately, some addicts never reach that lightbulb moment that makes them really want to change.
She likes having her enabling boyfriend on the scene because she can blame him for some of her failure to change.
You're absolutely right. There's not a lot I can do is there.What she needs is to see a Community Psychiatric nurse who specialises in drugs and alcohol.
The first Mrs Toad is a CPN and works with people like your friend. I'm surprised the doctor didn't refer her to one, or perhaps he did but she doesn't want to.
As others have said, she's got to want to help herself, you can't make her.
Perhaps you can look up your local drugs and alcohol unit and call them for advice and see what they say.
I am going to suggest this when I next speak to her. As I say she is very open about it all and said they have referred her to counceling, but CBT counceling! I'm going to suggest she goes back and insists on seeing a drugs and alcohol specialist. Thank you.0 -
Maybe you could get some support for yourself eg Al-anon or a support group for friends/family of drug users.
This will help you establish boundaries for yourself so that you can go on being there your friend at a lesser cost to your own health.:heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 343.1K Banking & Borrowing
- 250.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 449.6K Spending & Discounts
- 235.2K Work, Benefits & Business
- 607.8K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 173K Life & Family
- 247.8K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
- 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards