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Parents telling their children to keep secrets from the other parents?

Just a quicky ...

My boys have just returned from a night at their fathers and when asked what they have been doing today they looked at each other and said they couldn't tell me as their dad had said it was a secret.

I found this quite odd, and it made me worry it was something I wouldn't like.

They actually ended up letting slip what it was, and then the eldest of the 2 looked really worried, like he was going to get into trouble for me knowing. I had to sit them down and reassure them they weren't in trouble, but also that they shouldn't be keeping secrets from me, as I needed to know these things. I told them that no one should be telling them they had to keep anything secret. Basically, their dad has got a dog. Not a problem, so why does it need to be a secret? Well, I do know why it's a problem in his eyes (he hasn't paid maintenance for a year and no doubt doesn't want me to know he has paid out for a dog, but that is a whole other matter entirely).

I'm really quite upset and angry with my ex for frightening them into keeping secrets from me. I don't want them growing up thinking it's ok to lie and keep secrets. What kind of example is that setting?

Would you confront the other parent and discuss this, or just leave it be?
Olympic Countdown Challenge #145 ~ DFW Nerd #389 ~ Debt Free Date: [STRIKE]December 2015[/STRIKE] September 2015

:j BabySpendalot arrived 26/6/11 :j
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Comments

  • scooby088
    scooby088 Posts: 3,385 Forumite
    Ask him why he felt it necessary to tell the kids to keep it from you? I am sure that he was thinking about the maintenance issue when asking the children to keep it quiet. I agree that it's wrong to teach children to lie.
  • my mum used to make me keep secrets from my dad. She got a Credit Card in HIS name (this was 20 odd years ago - was easier then!) and i had to get up to beat dad getting the post incase it was a bill!

    My OH has told my DD to keep a secret from me this weekend . . . but it's my birthday next week and they went and brought my present. Keep trying to get her to tell me but she wont! lol

    If its a little thing, i wouldnt see the issue - such as a "surpriseE" but if its more serious then your kids need to understand they must tell you (im thinking along the lines of bullying, smacking, abuse etc - not saying thats anything to do with you OP but hopefully you'll know what i mean) x
  • squidge60
    squidge60 Posts: 1,129
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    Just a quicky ...

    My boys have just returned from a night at their fathers and when asked what they have been doing today they looked at each other and said they couldn't tell me as their dad had said it was a secret.

    I found this quite odd, and it made me worry it was something I wouldn't like.

    They actually ended up letting slip what it was, and then the eldest of the 2 looked really worried, like he was going to get into trouble for me knowing. I had to sit them down and reassure them they weren't in trouble, but also that they shouldn't be keeping secrets from me, as I needed to know these things. I told them that no one should be telling them they had to keep anything secret. Basically, their dad has got a dog. Not a problem, so why does it need to be a secret? Well, I do know why it's a problem in his eyes (he hasn't paid maintenance for a year and no doubt doesn't want me to know he has paid out for a dog, but that is a whole other matter entirely).

    I'm really quite upset and angry with my ex for frightening them into keeping secrets from me. I don't want them growing up thinking it's ok to lie and keep secrets. What kind of example is that setting?

    Would you confront the other parent and discuss this, or just leave it be?



    I would feel the same as you about it :(
    Got to say something or its making it ok for your boys to adopt this with other situations.
    I cant believe a parent would be so stupid/ignorant !
  • I guess my worry is if he can do it over something so insignificant, what else will he do it over? He is, himself, a compulsive liar.
    Olympic Countdown Challenge #145 ~ DFW Nerd #389 ~ Debt Free Date: [STRIKE]December 2015[/STRIKE] September 2015

    :j BabySpendalot arrived 26/6/11 :j
  • squidge60
    squidge60 Posts: 1,129
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    I guess my worry is if he can do it over something so insignificant, what else will he do it over? He is, himself, a compulsive liar.

    Its the whole "if you want your kids to be honest/truthful "
    as a parent you are setting an example.
    Feel for you got your work set out by the sounds of it.:(
  • jinky67
    jinky67 Posts: 47,812 Forumite
    My DD'S Dad does this as well, he doesnt want her talking to me about stuff they get up to, and neither does he want to hear of anything she does with me. I find it all rather sad to be honest. I dont ever want her to feel that she cant tell her parents anything :sad:

    I think he feels like I am prying...I am not, I actually couldnt give a stuff about what they get up to really, I just wanna know how her weekend went!
    :heartpulsOnce a Flylady, always a Flylady:heartpuls
  • CarolynH
    CarolynH Posts: 570 Forumite
    I was raised that 'surprises' and 'secrets' were different. Surprises were nice things that would soon become know - birthday presents, surprise parties, etc. Secrets were things that would never be told.

    Really naughty of your ex, can you keep reinforcing to your kids that it's ok/ right to tell you things, and they'll not ever be in trouble for telling? (even if in the future it's that they've done something wrong, you're happy that they owned up, even if you're sad at what they did sort of thing.

    Good luck sorting your ex out.
    :D Make a list of important things to do today. At the top, put 'eat chocolate'. Now, you'll get at least one thing done today. :D
  • shellsuit
    shellsuit Posts: 24,749
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    "Don't tell your Mum that Sharon has come out with us today" ~ because she was an alky, had her kids taken off her and I didn't want her or him drinking around the kids.

    "Don't tell your Mum that I've got these" ~ as he cracks open cans of cider in the cinema.

    "Don't tell your Mum about this" ~ when they're late for the coach coming back from Alton Towers because the selfish schwat decides to have a couple of pints first.

    That's just 3 out of 10's upon 10's of 'secrets' I wasn't to know. The thing with small kids is, they're innocent, but they know when they're doing something wrong or in a situation they shouldn't be in and so like to tell Mummy to clear it with her ;)



    I keep secrets from him though with the kids. Well, not secrets as such (as in I don't tell them not to tell him), but me nor the kids mention whatever it is to him, because he would just embarrass them and not shut up or moan about whatever it was for weeks.

    It's not right to tell little ones not to tell someone else something, because it does worry them and must make their mind turn over and over.
    Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty...
  • shellsuit wrote: »

    It's not right to tell little ones not to tell someone else something, because it does worry them and must make their mind turn over and over.

    That is what is bothering me. The eldest one (who is only 7) looked terrified of me. I just can't have my kids feeling like this. I had to sit and say to him that it was the same as if someone was bullying him at school and said don't tell the teacher - that yes, he should always tell the teacher. How can I teach my children to speak out and not keep secrets like that when their own father is asking them to? It's sick really.
    Olympic Countdown Challenge #145 ~ DFW Nerd #389 ~ Debt Free Date: [STRIKE]December 2015[/STRIKE] September 2015

    :j BabySpendalot arrived 26/6/11 :j
  • shellsuit
    shellsuit Posts: 24,749
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    That is what is bothering me. The eldest one (who is only 7) looked terrified of me. I just can't have my kids feeling like this. I had to sit and say to him that it was the same as if someone was bullying him at school and said don't tell the teacher - that yes, he should always tell the teacher. How can I teach my children to speak out and not keep secrets like that when their own father is asking them to? It's sick really.

    I'd just have words with him (the ex), and mention that if he told the children to keep quiet because of the money aspect, then that's fine if he thinks it's more important to buy and look after a dog than provide for the children he already has, but he should not to ask the children to keep it to themselves as it's unfair to worry them.

    How long did he think he could keep it a secret though? If the dog bit one of the kids I'm sure you would know about it soon enough!
    Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty...
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