Renovations and Repayments.

Debsnewbudget · 16 December 2015 at 6:43PM

I agree with maman
Keep posting on here as it keeps you on track and you have taken on board a lot of the advice. I think you need to ignore some of the negative comments and not take them on board though

What has your elf been up to this year ?

AlexLK · 17 December 2015 at 12:16AM

maman wrote: »

Good to see you back:).

Alex, you might have very little money but that doesn't mean you can't make the most of it and spend it wisely. That's what mse is all about and without stating the obvious there are so many on here far worse off than you.

I'm one that believes your new car is wise spending as hopefully you'll make a profit (probably far more than banking it) and meantime it'll make you happy and you need that.

How's Christmas preparation going? Is LittleK excited?

Maman, there are many far worse off when taking into account my wife's income, I'd agree with that. Personally, I earn very little and do rely on wife's income and my parents. It's actually something that shames me very much, I'd like to be able to say I passed life's challenges and being able to be financially independent is one of those challenges. Therefore, I'm clearly not managing to take responsibility and as a consequence failing to meet the MSE grade.

I realise from the poster telling me they were confused by this diary that I need to sort my life out before I can possibly hope to sort out the mortgage / house / finances. Well, I realised this before now and in my own mind thought writing things down would be a good idea in the hope things would get better and then the finances would slot into place. At least now I know I need to keep my thoughts to myself.

Son is excited about Christmas but I'm dreading it. Can't face dealing with cards, decorations, presents, relatives etc. etc. We have bought a tree and put some bows on it, think that will do for this year, though. Do have son's presents though. This year I've made him a wooden castle, sword and shield for his main present as he really enjoyed that project at school.

Debsnewbudget wrote: »

I agree with maman
Keep posting on here as it keeps you on track and you have taken on board a lot of the advice. I think you need to ignore some of the negative comments and not take them on board though

What has your elf been up to this year ?

I try to take on board advice.

Do wonder if the negative comments are right, to be honest.

Mrs K has mainly been in charge of elf duties this year. A fun one was "the elf" hiding son's school uniform with clues for how to find it. Another fun one was son finding "Elf" covered in paint after attempting a family portrait. "Elf" does seem to be hiding a lot of things this year, though including the king lead for the LR with a note saying "you won't find me, take a walk to school". :rotfl:

chevalier · 17 December 2015 at 4:31AM

Hi Alex
been missing in action, but reading your diary over the last month or so. One of the things I hadn't realised earlier was how young you are ie only in your 30's. To be in your head space - ie that you are a failure and will never amount to anything when you are that young is frankly ridiculous. Some people have started whole new careers in their 40s (and done very well) so you really don't have any excuse.

You write well, your are intelligent (not many people can do an MA or even aspire to do a PHD I know I couldn't), you are a loving husband and father.

The thing is you have decided that the only role that suits you is one of door mat. Sorry but I really think your low self esteem makes you think that you deserve all the cr*p that comes your way. But that isn't the case. Now don't get me wrong I don't think that some of the choices you make don't make your life harder

Eg with the business, you are going to let that fold rather than tackling the issues with the ex business partner head on. Why? Because it is too hard and because you feel like you don't deserve to fight for it. Far easier to say look I failed again, I always do don't I?

With your parents - you are slavishly tied to them because you have got it into your head that the only way you can be secure is if they fund you. There is NO WAY I would be around for my parents as much as you are for them. It would breed resentment for sure. There is no way it is normal for you to spend every Sunday with them, or every lunch time, when you COULD be doing more productive things rather than being ranted at by your dad. And you know what? All the disparaging that your dad does, it drips on your self worth like acid wearing it away. Remember how happy you were (in a guilty pleasure sort of way) when you didn't have to go for a Sunday lunch that week, and could instead do something fun just the 3 of you?

Well that is what you are missing out on Alex by not cutting the apron strings both mentally and financially. And whilst I don't like all of Mrs K's attitudes at all (she is in my opinion mentally abusing you in much the same way your parents do), I understand completely why she doesn't want another child, because she doesn't want to move in with your parents EVER , and subconsciously this is a way of holding something you really want over you.

I can guarantee if you NEVER mentioned moving in with your parents again, and really committed to the house and your wife, you would have a happier life.

Right I will get my coat
chev

SueP19 · 17 December 2015 at 10:40AM

AlexLK wrote: »

Therefore, I'm clearly not managing to take responsibility and as a consequence failing to meet the MSE grade.

I realise from the poster telling me they were confused by this diary that I need to sort my life out before I can possibly hope to sort out the mortgage / house / finances. Well, I realised this before now and in my own mind thought writing things down would be a good idea in the hope things would get better and then the finances would slot into place. At least now I know I need to keep my thoughts to myself.

I too think the TR7 was a good investment and last time I looked I couldn't find that MSE grade you are on about

We are all different, some kind, some loose, some sanctimonious some penny pinching to the point of bum clenching BUT we are all here for a reason........to learn, to pick out what's best for us.

Your diary was one of the first I followed last week, why, because you are real warts and all..............better to be like that than perfect, people will learn so much from your trials and tribulations, don't keep your thoughts hidden

SueP19 · 17 December 2015 at 10:48AM

chevalier wrote: »

There is no way it is normal for you to spend every Sunday with them, or every lunch time, when you COULD be doing more productive things rather than being ranted at by your dad. And you know what? All the disparaging that your dad does, it drips on your self worth like acid wearing it away. Remember how happy you were (in a guilty pleasure sort of way) when you didn't have to go for a Sunday lunch that week, and could instead do something fun just the 3 of you?

Well that is what you are missing out on Alex by not cutting the apron strings both mentally and financially. And whilst I don't like all of Mrs K's attitudes at all (she is in my opinion mentally abusing you in much the same way your parents do), I understand completely why she doesn't want another child, because she doesn't want to move in with your parents EVER , and subconsciously this is a way of holding something you really want over you.

I can guarantee if you NEVER mentioned moving in with your parents again, and really committed to the house and your wife, you would have a happier life.

I understand the above so well, having a derisory father until I was about 40 ish, funny thing is as you get older they do too and you start to be their parent, the roles reverse.

I would suggest you pick one small thing to change, just a little thing, from small acorns mighty oaks grow. Just do it quietly for yourself, don't lay yourself open for criticism from others

newgirly · 17 December 2015 at 10:49AM

Hi Alex, you seem very down at the moment. Its strange how people you don't know in real life can have such an impact.

I have had times when what has been posted on my diary has really stung, but I think it comes from a good place and even if its not what you want to hear it may be what you need to hear!

Don't ditch mse, the support and advice day and night is very worthwhile. Plus its the best time of year for all of us mfw and dfw's - new year! New targets, new challenges, lots of new diaries to read.

maman · 17 December 2015 at 10:57AM

newgirly wrote: »

Don't ditch mse, the support and advice day and night is very worthwhile. Plus its the best time of year for all of us mfw and dfw's - new year! New targets, new challenges, lots of new diaries to read.

Definitely!!:T

Two things that didn't add up for me Alex. Why can't you carry on with your furniture business in the new year? And I thought you had helping parents with BTL on a business footing rather than hand outs. And if not, why not?

hiddenshadow · 17 December 2015 at 1:31PM

Agree with the other posters that you haven't "failed".

If you'd said at the end of last year that as a reward for paying off so much debt you wanted to save up for a car, people would have cheered you on. I think the harsh tone is over the perceived change in your priorities from working on the house (generally a "need") to buying a car (which most would agree is a "want" and not a "need"). You made a conscious choice to spend your money in line with your lifestyle - that's great. It's not like you decided to sell your house and have your family live on the streets so that you could buy a car.

It's your life - if I recall correctly you did state near the beginning of this journal that one of the things you'd like to do post-debt is buy a car. You saved up, you decided how you wanted to spend your money, you bought a car - good for you! Would I do the same? Probably not, but you also wouldn't spend your money the same way I would.

I don't think it's possible to "fail" at MSE - yes, you can make financial/life decisions that may not be the "best" (though best by what standard - most frugal, most value for money, most beneficial to emotional health, etc). You can also make decisions that - at the time - seem great but with hindsight you realise were pretty rubbish (see: me during my 20s

). There's no deadline, though - you can/will always learn and grow (and forget and regress).

heartbreak_star · 17 December 2015 at 3:56PM

Please don't go - I might be a grumblebum sometimes but I do love reading your diary!

Agree with the others, there's no way to fail at being MSE. Even with the TR6 - and yes, that was a bit of a shock - as long as you sell it you'll have invested wisely and gotten some pleasure in the meantime

I do also agree with a lot of what chev's said though - said it myself in the past

Loving the stories of Elf...and this caught my eye:

This year I've made him a wooden castle, sword and shield for his main present as he really enjoyed that project at school.

How can you think you are rubbish when you can do things like this! That's fantastic!

HBS x

AlexLK · 18 December 2015 at 12:10AM

Hi Chev,

It's been a while ...

This past week, my wife worked from home two days because I couldn't face going out. Not really great foundations to build upon, age aside. Cannot see how I can move on, to be honest. Which before anyone else on here tells me I need to keep this to the finances and not as a "self help" diary, I think if my head were in a better place I'd be earning more and therefore my wife and I would be in a better position financially.

Can't see beyond the past and have no idea how to change what I think about myself. You're right about the rest. Regarding the business, I can't face dealing with it anymore for a few reasons (ex-business partner mainly) and whilst it's not a lot of effort, I also earn very little from it.

Not really sure what to say regarding my parents. I suppose they aren't getting any younger and have no one else to talk to. My father isn't exactly pleased with me as a son but I understand why. I hope one day I'll be able to make up for the past, though. I think my wife has just had enough, can't say I'd want to deal with me on a daily basis, either.

I wish I could move on and be happy with my lot in life but every time I think about it I am disappointed with myself because I cannot give my son the opportunities my parents gave me.

Sue, thanks.

I think people on here are generally better at dealing with their finances than I am.

I do know where you are coming from re. parenting the parents. My mother is still very independent and mobile but father seems to be more fragile as each year passes.

NG, thanks.

I'm not in a good place at the moment. I can relate to the rest of your post. As for new year, the last thing I'm looking forward to are more challenges that I cannot meet. Next year is looking very busy and I'm worried about it already.

Renovations and Repayments.

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