Frump to Fab 2017 - A Whole New World

LL how moving your words were about your Father's funeral. I can really emphasise with your conflicted feelings for your Father, because I loved my Father, but I went from disliking him to eventually loathing him.

My Father was always quick to dish out physical punishment that was really cruel and never warranted. He created so much fear and tension in our childhood. As an adult I found out things about him that was really disgusting and made me want to cut him out of my life for good, but I still dutifully visited him regularly and made my children come with me, even though I did not like him, because I could not choose another Father for myself and another Grandfather for my children.

Yet, I felt real grief that he died all alone and neglected in a care home, because he always managed to alienate people, when they eventually realised that they were dealing with a human being with almost no redeeming features to his personality. The staff not only neglected to care for him properly, but on the day he died, they falsified his time of death to the relevant authorities to try to cover up their neglect when he was critically ill. They did not bother to call one of my older sister's until hours after my Father had died, because they were too busy trying to cover their backs. Despite the man he was, my Father still deserved to have some of his family with him as he died, not die all alone.

I felt so much regret, that my Father was the type of man, that I would usually be wise enough to avoid and that his death was a release rather than a devastatingly emotional response.

Even as an adult I had really colourful nightmares because of my Father, but I had the last one days after he died. His hold over me had finally been broken. It is sad that I have never had a single day since the day he died that I have missed him, and my children have never felt any grief over the death of their Grandfather.

My Mother loved my Father for more than 60 years, and she was grief stricken when he died, but it was remarkable for the family to see how resilient my Mother was without him. She became much like how she must have been when she was young and took so much pleasure out of life without him by her side. This was very telling to me. It showed me that my Mother had felt because of her christian values that she had to stay with him until the death of one or the other of them, because he was an abusive husband, not just an abusive Father, but my Mother genuinely loved him and would never even entertain the thought of leaving him. I was glad that my Mother had the last years of her life where she could just enjoy her life and be herself and not be dictated to any more. All of her children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren visited my Mother a lot more often once my Father had died as they were visiting her out of love, whereas all of my family including me had only visited my Father out of a sense of duty and because we also wanted to spend time with my Mother who we all had a deep, enduring liking and Love for.

I will always miss my Mother and I try every day to ensure that my children do not forget her. I also try to make my Mother proud of the decisions that I make for myself, my children, my grandchildren and other family. We are her greatest legacy.

Ellsbel wrote: »

LL without wishing to sound too "gushy", your posts today have inspired me:)
Your words on relationships are so true; this is something I'd never say to anyone outside of this board but I think both my parents would have been happier people if they had gone their separate ways years ago:(
But they didn't, and quite often I'll have to listen to one of them moaning about the other, which makes me incredibly sad.
You did your Dad so proud yesterday - sounds like a beautiful send off. You did your absolute best for him despite your difficult relationship, and now you can focus on making exciting new plans for the future.
This is all I can do for my parents - my best. I can't live their lives for them, but I do have to live mine. - I'll listen, visit, do whatever I can for them, but when I put the phone down, or go home, I've got to draw a line and get on with doing things for me.

I was thinking the same while reading your posts LL and my feelings are similar about my parents Ellsbel I am not sure my Mum would have coped on her own - she hasn't ever even lived alone - but I've been listening to her complaints about my dad since I was a teenager and then my Dad started when I was at university when he used to drive me down to campus. I am not sure either of them really respects each other.

When I go home now when either one of them is out of the room they are complaining about the other. Dad is exasperated with Mum's lack of efforts in recovering from her depression - basically the only bit of the doctor's advice she will take has been about taking pills, she ignored the rest and was downright uncooperative with the therapist they sent to see her and the care visitors who were meant to be taking her out for little trips. But his exasperation with her is coming out in more sharp words and irritability - which I can totally understand as I can barely take a day with her without ending up snapping at her - and I don't usually snap at anyone. Anyway, of course she then complains about how he talks to her.

Dad would always like me to visit more often but I dread every visit and feel churned up when I come home. I swing between hating my Mum's selfishness and then hating myself for not showing more sympathy for a mentally ill woman. So it's easier to stay away as much as I can.

sugarbaby125 wrote: »

LL how moving your words were about your Father's funeral. I can really emphasise with your conflicted feelings for your Father, because I loved my Father, but I went from disliking him to eventually loathing him.

My Father was always quick to dish out physical punishment that was really cruel and never warranted. He created so much fear and tension in our childhood. As an adult I found out things about him that was really disgusting and made me want to cut him out of my life for good, but I still dutifully visited him regularly and made my children come with me, even though I did not like him, because I could not choose another Father for myself and another Grandfather for my children.

Yet, I felt real grief that he died all alone and neglected in a care home, because he always managed to alienate people, when they eventually realised that they were dealing with a human being with almost no redeeming features to his personality. The staff not only neglected to care for him properly, but on the day he died, they falsified his time of death to the relevant authorities to try to cover up their neglect when he was critically ill. They did not bother to call one of my older sister's until hours after my Father had died, because they were too busy trying to cover their backs. Despite the man he was, my Father still deserved to have some of his family with him as he died, not die all alone.

I felt so much regret, that my Father was the type of man, that I would usually be wise enough to avoid and that his death was a release rather than a devastatingly emotional response.

Even as an adult I had really colourful nightmares because of my Father, but I had the last one days after he died. His hold over me had finally been broken. It is sad that I have never had a single day since the day he died that I have missed him, and my children have never felt any grief over the death of their Grandfather.

My Mother loved my Father for more than 60 years, and she was grief stricken when he died, but it was remarkable for the family to see how resilient my Mother was without him. She became much like how she must have been when she was young and took so much pleasure out of life without him by her side. This was very telling to me. It showed me that my Mother had felt because of her christian values that she had to stay with him until the death of one or the other of them, because he was an abusive husband, not just an abusive Father, but my Mother genuinely loved him and would never even entertain the thought of leaving him. I was glad that my Mother had the last years of her life where she could just enjoy her life and be herself and not be dictated to any more. All of her children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren visited my Mother a lot more often once my Father had died as they were visiting her out of love, whereas all of my family including me had only visited my Father out of a sense of duty and because we also wanted to spend time with my Mother who we all had a deep, enduring liking and Love for.

I will always miss my Mother and I try every day to ensure that my children do not forget her. I also try to make my Mother proud of the decisions that I make for myself, my children, my grandchildren and other family. We are her greatest legacy.

So sorry to hear you Dad was such a difficult person sugarbaby. You sound like a fantastic mother and your love for our family always comes through in your posts. I think it's a real credit to you that you've changed the pattern of what you grew up with. So many people end up repeating what they have experienced at the hands of their parents on their own children, even if they hated it themselves as it's hard to unlearn what you were taught when you were young.

I've had a busy week, lots of fun at Ceroc but I was a bit surprised to have one of the guys I danced with give me his phone number. I was wondering if he was just being friendly but he made a point of asking if I was single first so am guessing perhaps not. Anyway he seemed pleasant enough but was at least a decade and possibly closer to two decades older and I am not physically attracted to guys that much older (might make an exception for George Clooney ) so I won't be ringing.

Was out last night at a club Rubyslippers would have enjoyed - pretty much all 90s Britpop. Was the first time in a long while I've been out clubbing without having a drop to drink but I didn't find it as hard to resist as I thought. Am trying my best to give this diet a good shot and even if they weren't saying have a month off alcohol, I know I invariably overeat my way though a hangover. As it was I slept in really late today because of the late night, but I don't have a hangover and am planning useful tasks for the day so I can go and enjoy my hike with an outdoor meet up group tomorrow.

Next week is even busier - going to see "Half a Sixpence" at the theatre on Monday, got a free work thing on Tuesday, some sort of music thing, then Ceroc on Wednesday, a local 80s club night in a pub near me on Friday, a friend visiting on Saturday and a Ceroc workshop on Sunday afternoon. Somewhere in that I want to get some exercise with weights in beyond what I do with my trainer on Monday - not done that this week. Also will need to get plenty of food prep done on Monday so I don't end up eating out during the week. I've done more proper cooking this week than I would usually do in a month and eaten way more vegetables - feels like this diet plan might be the one for me. I like the fact it has some clear restrictions but doesn't say "eat X on this day" just gives you lists of things you can eat and then some really nice recipe ideas for you to make with them.

It helps that I believe in the ethos of what they are saying - a friend of mine is busy calorie counting and with everything I have read, I just don't believe all calories are equal. It encourages you to think 200 calories of avocado will have the same effect on your body as the same of an equivalent calorie bar of milk chocolate crammed with sugar and it's just not true.

Funnily enough the restrictions would usually irritate me as I would feel like I was denying myself. But they've positioned it as if you have a lot of weight to lose you need to make the start of the plan really low in sugar and cut out things like bread / rice / pasta etc. so your body gets used to going to its fat stores to get a supply of energy for the day instead of doing the usual thing of going to the carbs you've just eaten and the logic of that makes sense to me. They don't say you have to eat like that forever and long term encourage you to have a little of what you fancy, just not all the time. Am not feeling hungry either which helps - the breakfasts are enormous.

Anyway, in being overweight I've been denying myself the chance to look in the mirror and like what I see without clothes on, to wear a bikini on a beach without feeling embarrassed, to feel confident around men, living with not feeling as energetic as I might and being out-walked by hikers ten and twenty years my senior so cutting out some more unhealthy food for a little while is a small denial by comparison.

Right, better shift myself, I want to get to the post office by 2 to collect a parcel and I am still in my pajamas as I didn't wake up till 11:30. Have a fab weekend all x

some very thought provoking posts - I particularly identify with the way you describe your relationship with your parents, Indie.
And it's so true that we can learn from the bad as well as the good behaviour of our "elders and betters"
I'm, as always, inspired and motivated by all of you:)

Had a nice walk earlier and am just doing some pottering now before settling down to watch the football.
I had to use E45 as a body cream today as I've used up all my others - very mse of me:) - any recommendations for a nice body lotion I can buy next?
Maman I keep my foot cream in the drawer where I keep my socks and opaques; that way I take it out and put it on before putting on my footwear

Hello Ladies,

I learnt a lot from having the parents I had. From my Father, I learnt very early on in life that if I treated my children with daily love and affectation, they would blossom and bloom. I knew that I had to do the opposite of my Father.

My Mother would try to stand up for us at times, but other times she seemed to turn a blind eye to her husband's cruelty. I learnt from my Mother that even a husband or partner should never come before your children. My children are never in doubt that they are always going to come first, if I have to make a choice. Yet my Mother was always trying to show her Love for all of her children by caring for us. She was never demonstrative in her love to her children, but made an exception for my Father, despite his many shortcomings. Yet the biggest bonus of my Mother getting senile dementia is that she lost all her inhibitions about showing her love and could not stop hugging and kissing her adult children, her grandchildren and her great grandchildren. She used to love it if when I visited her in her care home, we just sat holding hands as we talked. My Mother also became very talkative about her childhood, her Mother, her siblings and her childhood best friend. I was amazed at all she would reveal to me.

I organised a birthday party for my Mother when she was 83 years old and she had the time of her life. She was surrounded by so much family. She ate all her favourite Caribbean foods and cups of tea and soft drinks, despite her being an insulin dependent diabetic. I will never forget the sheer joy on her face blowing out candles on both of her birthday cakes. Only at the end of the party did she call me over to her to hug me and she whispered in my ear 'that is the best birthday I have ever had in my life, thank you'. I was astonished to find out from my Mother that she had never had a birthday party before that day.

I do try to be a positive role model for my children and encourage them to make wise choices and I have always tried to instil in them the belief that they can spread their wings and reach for the stars, that there is nothing that they are not capable of doing. I also try to be open and honest with them about my own feelings and my own goals for myself as I want them to learn the importance of expressing your feelings and sharing your feelings with others. I also encourage my children to practise on me how to have an open debate with another person, without trying to cram your own ideas into someone else's head and how to see things from the other person's perspective.

In the last few years my children have been surprised at my adventurous side but have been very supportive when I am trying new experiences or venturing forth to events on my own. They are equally surprised that I am part of this thread and the wombling thread, not because I joined both threads, but that I have stuck with them.

My nephew gets married in 2 weeks time and the big wedding that had been planned had to be abandoned and a small register office wedding is booked instead. It is lovely to have a positive family gathering to look forward to. I only allowed myself to buy a Biba luxurious velvet swing evening jacket for the wedding. I had been watching the jacket on eBay for 2 years, but finally had a reason to treat myself. It was an incredible bargain at £24.99 instead of the £149.99 it usually retails for. I tried it on and asked my 24 year old daughter her opinion and she was very complimentary about my 'posh' velvet jacket. Everything else I will be wearing will be chosen from what I already own in my wardrobe and I will choose all of my accessories from items I already own.

I am currently not at work, because I felt I had no choice but to initiate a Grievance against my supervisor and until my Grievance is heard on the 6th February, I am also choosing to withdraw my labour. I will not get paid for my non working days, but sometimes in life you just have to stand up for yourself and be counted. I just felt that my supervisor had made my working environment so hostile, that she was making my position untenable. I want to be able to do my job each day without being unfairly criticised, being shouted at and/or being given extra work to do without allowing me extra time to do the extra work. I have worked incredibly hard on my new floor and turned the whole floor from a really dirty, foul smelling mess to a very clean looking and smelling environment and still my supervisor keeps on finding fault. I have to prepare as much factual examples of her behaviour towards me in writing to support the facts I have listed in my Grievance. I will have to go through my diary to try to establish dates and approximate times. I am hopeful of a positive outcome, but if the company only seems to go through the motions with my Grievance, I will simply look for a new position and move on.

What ever happens. I will rise again like a Phoenix and live to fight another day.